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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP annoyed at me for taking 90 mins to reply

77 replies

Sparkleandsequin · 27/05/2023 07:25

It's been a tough month. Various things have happened and I've had DS with no overnight contact with his Dad. Me and DP don't live together and haven't been seeing each other as much but try to when we can and call and text etc.

Yesterday one of the school mums suggested going to the pub after school. It's a local village so just a walk from school. There's a child's play park there too. There was 4 school mums in total and DS got to play with his friends and I got some adult company which I don't really get in the evenings or most of the day atm. I had a soft drink as I was driving and it wasn't about going out and getting drunk just socialising really. I was there for a total of 2 hours and DS was having a lovely time. For those 2 hours I didn't look at my phone as was obviously busy. DP had text me a few times with just pics of her and DD at the park. When I hadn't replied for a hour and a half I got hello? So I replied sorry I've been at the pub after school and hadn't a chance to look at my phone. She replied "oh you're one of those parents are you"
I replied and said one of what? One that has a soft drink whilst speaking to friends and my DS enjoying himself with friends. I reminded her what a tough time I've had recently and thought she would be happy that I'm out rather than in alone.
Then she said we'll you took ages to reply. I reminded her that sometimes she can take 2 or 3 hours after school to reply but apparently I'm not thinking of her and ignoring her.

Aibu to be annoyed and refuse to apologise? I feel like I've done nothing wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 28/05/2023 07:59

Weallgottachangesometime · 28/05/2023 07:26

Yes

She took a comment you told her about a difficult part of your childhood and threw it in your face when you didn’t act in the way she wanted you to. That’s disgusting. Then she is trying make out you are unreasoned and play it off as “just saying what you said”.

She is clearly showing controlling behaviour. I’ve been married 10 years…my husband wouldn’t text me like that just because I missed a text for a few hours. It’s not the behaviour of a normal healthy relationship.

Have you done any work around recognising the signs of a controlling relationship? Might be worth it if you can access it anywhere.

Honestly I think you should leave the relationship. She sounds awful. You had a lovely afternoon with your friends and child and she has come and shit all over it and made you feel like crap.

Show quote history

I've done all my own research of abusive relationships over the past 6 years since leaving my ex. I thought I would know what one would look like. I guess its different to my last relationship though. He was be quite shouty and intimidating whereas my current DP isnt.

Another thing which has been bothering me recently is I feel she's quite judgemental. I am struggling with my DS sleep atm and with him getting no overnight contact atm I'm on my own dealing with it. I just feel like she's judging me and feels as though she puts me down in subtle ways and basically blames me for not parenting better. But i'm trying my absolute hardest atm, im exhausted.

OP posts:
BritInAus · 28/05/2023 08:09

Your partner should support you and lift your spirits during tough times. This one sounds like they're making life even harder for you.
Be glad you don't live together, so can split without any difficult practical stuff to deal with.

AnotherDayAnotherUsernameForMe · 28/05/2023 08:51

Imagine your week without your partner… I bet it looks better than it actually was.

Met up with friends, you and DC had a lovely time. Only No horrible night afterwards because of your partners controlling behaviour.

Now think of other times your life, and your child’s life, would have been better without them in it.

Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 28/05/2023 08:59

I'm so close to ending it, she's been awful. No kindness or apology. It's all been my fault because I didn't check in and what she said she's just ignored.

The only thing that's keeping me hanging on is the loneliness and isolation of being on my own completely

OP posts:
LIZS · 28/05/2023 09:09

But you may be better off lonely than wasting energy on trying to please her and continually justifying yourself. She is already isolating you by not allowing you uninterrupted time to spend with others. Refocus your attention on dc and a more local and supportive friendship network.

pictoosh · 28/05/2023 09:13

I understand. Being alone is a scary prospect.

But more so, so is spending your life with a callous, selfish, manipulative partner. You will erode away under her control while your son watches and learns.

One silver lining of being alone is that you are free to meet a decent partner in the future.
There is no silver lining to staying with your current partner. She's a ghoul.

pictoosh · 28/05/2023 09:16

And yes, it is a blessing that you don't live together. Clean break.

monsteramunch · 28/05/2023 09:25

Witnessing this relationship dynamic can't be good for your child either OP, let that fuel you even if you're worried about being lonely if you're single.

Pineappleelephant · 28/05/2023 09:29

Sparkleandsequin · 27/05/2023 07:47

We have been together 2 and a half years. Hasn't been plain sailing throughout that time. I'm currently going through a court battle and pressing charges against my extremely abusive ex (we split 6 years ago) which she is all well aware of how it is effecting me.
It's getting to the point where I don't want to tell her things or that I'm doing things because I know that she would have this reaction.

Re read your post.Its very telling about how you feel about her in the relationship. At 2 and a half years its not going to get any better. Jealousy and possessiveness are not part of a good healthy relationship. As she's also a mum she should be more understanding.

pictoosh · 28/05/2023 09:44

It seems a petty thing to focus on but you have mentioned that she can (and does) take her time to respond to your texts, yet here you are being cornered and shredded over your 'late' reply.

NO ONE can happily coexist with someone who thinks it's one rule for them but another for everyone else. People like that do not make good bedfellows. They have a deeply ingrained sense of entitlement over their partners and expect to rule on every whim, changing the goalposts as it suits them without being challenged, while they may do as they please.
It simply cannot be.
You are not obliged to take this creature on.

Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 28/05/2023 09:50

pictoosh · 28/05/2023 09:44

It seems a petty thing to focus on but you have mentioned that she can (and does) take her time to respond to your texts, yet here you are being cornered and shredded over your 'late' reply.

NO ONE can happily coexist with someone who thinks it's one rule for them but another for everyone else. People like that do not make good bedfellows. They have a deeply ingrained sense of entitlement over their partners and expect to rule on every whim, changing the goalposts as it suits them without being challenged, while they may do as they please.
It simply cannot be.
You are not obliged to take this creature on.

This is EXACTLY it. Its one rule for me and another for her and her DC. It's so frustrating and when I try to raise the issue she tries any way to justify why its OK for her.
A few weeks ago she unmined me in front of the DC. I was trying to be fair and not cause arguments for DC. I walked out for 2 mins and she had told her DC that she could do what I had stated wasn't fair. It's was so petty eg. They were arguing over who was to go first for their turn in a game so I suggested rock, paper, scissors to decide. Her DC got in a mood and then didn't want to play. I walked out came back and her DC was taking the first turn of the game! It's stuff like this. All low level stuff

OP posts:
billy1966 · 28/05/2023 09:54

OP,

Don't have your son around another abusive relationship out of loneliness.

You both deserve better.

This is not a good person.

pictoosh · 28/05/2023 09:57

Well you've heard the expression 'death by a thousand paper cuts' haven't you?

It's the drip drip of the tap. The boiling of the frog.

PineappleLatte · 28/05/2023 10:03

She doesn’t consider you equals. She is the one in charge in her mind, and you need to “do as I say, not as I do”.

Life is far too short to put up with this bullshit. Put yourself (and your children) first and LTB.

Yes, you’ll get 99 promises of “I’ll change etc”. Spoiler alert - they never change.

polkadotdalmation · 28/05/2023 10:05

Sounds controlling. Look at the rest of your life together to see if she is controlling. Maybe a wake up call

AdvertisementBoard · 28/05/2023 10:08

She really didn’t like you enjoying yourself for two hours without her did she?
Horrid behaviour.

I have no respect for people who cannot apologise. It’s a weakness on their part.

She knows you are scared of being alone so can do what she wants :-(

Batalax · 28/05/2023 10:12

so she puts herself first and she’s teaching her dc to put themselves first. You can’t stay for your dcs sake. You can’t stand by and watch them become second best.

Please leave. Good partners build you up and support you. They don’t cut you down and diminish you.

Comtesse · 28/05/2023 10:16

Sounds manipulative and unsupportive to me.

tackling · 28/05/2023 10:21

It's incredibly normal to leave one abusive relationship and enter another one. I think you need some solid time alone OP Flowers it'll be good for you and also models relationships for children.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 28/05/2023 10:29

You know, OP, it doesn't really matter if you decide it's an abusive relationship or not, but this person doesn't seem to make you feel loved or cared for. That's enough of an issue. When you're in a healthy relationship you feel respected and valued, not judged and needing to be careful what to say. Personally I think she was rude, controlling, and quite ridiculous, based on what you've shared.

As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, pay attention. It sounds like you've been through a lot, take some time to fall in love with life and figure out what makes you happy and fulfilled. Don't waste your time and energy on relationships which don't.

pictoosh · 28/05/2023 10:37

Yes she's essentially telling you that she is the boss and anything less than your servility will be taken as a personal attack.
You cannot reason with fucked in the head.

pictoosh · 28/05/2023 10:38

And don't go feeling sorry for her. She doesn't give a flying toot about hurting you.

pictoosh · 28/05/2023 10:41

As far as she's concerned, you're hurt because you're stupid enough to disagree with her.

billy1966 · 28/05/2023 10:57

pictoosh · 28/05/2023 10:37

Yes she's essentially telling you that she is the boss and anything less than your servility will be taken as a personal attack.
You cannot reason with fucked in the head.

Agree.

She wants you ground down and sad.

She certainly doesn't want you having a couple of hours enjoyment amidst a difficult time.

She SO hasn't your back.

About time you realised that.

Your child deserves better.

Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 28/05/2023 18:06

Thanks for all your honest opinions and advise. Whats been said is right. I feel so sad and part of me feels like why cannot I not find a nice partner. I feel like damaged goods. After me and ex split I didn't have a serious relationship for a good 3 years, 1 of them I didn't even text or speak to anyone. I thought I had to sorted and I thought this relationship was good and I had found a person who was my equal and they understand me and had my best intentions. It's all just so sad.

OP posts: