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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP annoyed at me for taking 90 mins to reply

77 replies

Sparkleandsequin · 27/05/2023 07:25

It's been a tough month. Various things have happened and I've had DS with no overnight contact with his Dad. Me and DP don't live together and haven't been seeing each other as much but try to when we can and call and text etc.

Yesterday one of the school mums suggested going to the pub after school. It's a local village so just a walk from school. There's a child's play park there too. There was 4 school mums in total and DS got to play with his friends and I got some adult company which I don't really get in the evenings or most of the day atm. I had a soft drink as I was driving and it wasn't about going out and getting drunk just socialising really. I was there for a total of 2 hours and DS was having a lovely time. For those 2 hours I didn't look at my phone as was obviously busy. DP had text me a few times with just pics of her and DD at the park. When I hadn't replied for a hour and a half I got hello? So I replied sorry I've been at the pub after school and hadn't a chance to look at my phone. She replied "oh you're one of those parents are you"
I replied and said one of what? One that has a soft drink whilst speaking to friends and my DS enjoying himself with friends. I reminded her what a tough time I've had recently and thought she would be happy that I'm out rather than in alone.
Then she said we'll you took ages to reply. I reminded her that sometimes she can take 2 or 3 hours after school to reply but apparently I'm not thinking of her and ignoring her.

Aibu to be annoyed and refuse to apologise? I feel like I've done nothing wrong

OP posts:
Batalax · 27/05/2023 08:25

pictoosh · 27/05/2023 08:21

I don't want to write an essay about how many BIG RED FLAGS she is flying. I'm sure other people will fill the gaps anyway.
She is controlling, manipulative, selfish and callous. There you have it.
Anyone who uses your vulnerability as a weapon is a bad fucking sort.
End of.

This basically.

You did absolutely nothing wrong.

And you shouldn’t be forced into hiding things from a partner. That’s not healthy.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/05/2023 08:25

So many red flags here. You won't be happy with this woman. Nobody would be. She is mean and controlling and hypocritical.

Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 27/05/2023 08:34

She's now saying it wasn't about the time it took to message back. It's the fact that we always communicate after school and she thought id check in on her and her her DC. Which is a lie because sometimes she doesn't reply until 5 or 6 or later depending on when she's finished her work. But it seems these rules only apply to her.

OP posts:
StayingZenInTheVipersDen · 27/05/2023 08:38

Hmmm I think it sounds as if she was just a bit jealous maybe that you were hanging out with other people and is doing some mental gymnastics trying to justify it now. Sorry if that's too harsh but on paper (in text) that's how it seems

Chickenkeev · 27/05/2023 08:40

Sparkleandsequin · 27/05/2023 08:34

She's now saying it wasn't about the time it took to message back. It's the fact that we always communicate after school and she thought id check in on her and her her DC. Which is a lie because sometimes she doesn't reply until 5 or 6 or later depending on when she's finished her work. But it seems these rules only apply to her.

You know the answer youself so. She sounds like a right dick, get rid of her.

LIZS · 27/05/2023 08:42

She's gaslighting you. Is she local, did she think you could have invited them along?

SquirrelSoShiny · 27/05/2023 08:57

I'm concerned you have swapped one abusive twat for another. The current one is just more covert. Be careful OP.

LisaD1 · 27/05/2023 09:03

I couldn’t be doing with that level of needy.

I’ve been with DH for almost 20 years, if we need each other urgently we call, any other form of message gets responded to when we have time. I’d be unimpressed with a sarcy response to not responding immediately.

grayhairdontcare · 27/05/2023 09:06

The rule in this house is that there is no such thing as an urgent text.

LittleBearPad · 27/05/2023 09:06

Relationships aren’t meant to be this hard, OP.

Maybe it’s time to think about what you’re getting out of it. Is it worth it?

ProfessorXtra · 27/05/2023 09:09

Op, unfortunately you have left one abusive relationship. And got into another.

HadEnough2023 · 27/05/2023 09:14

Sparkleandsequin · 27/05/2023 08:34

She's now saying it wasn't about the time it took to message back. It's the fact that we always communicate after school and she thought id check in on her and her her DC. Which is a lie because sometimes she doesn't reply until 5 or 6 or later depending on when she's finished her work. But it seems these rules only apply to her.

Op she's abusive.
Replying to pictures of her dc in the park isn't a emergency nor checking in with you, she wanted attention and is furious she didn't get it. She also doesn't like the fact you have a life outside of her.

Dump her, you can find a much nicer girlfriend you sound lovely.

OfTheNight · 27/05/2023 09:19

She doesn’t love you. If she loved you she’d have been happy that you got some downtime with friends. Her reaction is really unkind and controlling.

misskatamari · 27/05/2023 09:20

This would be a "time to have a long hard look at the relationship" moment for me. After school is one of the busiest times of day, many people wouldn't even think of looking at their phones in this time. She's being so unreasonable, controlling, and trying to turn it all around on you is really not okay. You say you were previously in an abusive relationship - and are walking on egg shells with your new partner. I would be rethinking things

morbidd · 27/05/2023 09:43

Is she local to you? All sounds like too much hard work.

AnotherDayAnotherUsernameForMe · 27/05/2023 09:48

I am glad you’re spotting the controlling behaviour in this relationship. It’s definitely time to reevaluate where you see this going.

Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 27/05/2023 10:12

morbidd · 27/05/2023 09:43

Is she local to you? All sounds like too much hard work.

No she lives around 40 mins from me so not local. I doubt she would have come even if she was

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 27/05/2023 10:13

AnotherDayAnotherUsernameForMe · 27/05/2023 09:48

I am glad you’re spotting the controlling behaviour in this relationship. It’s definitely time to reevaluate where you see this going.

There have been other things too and I'm just annoyed I've kept the relationship going. I guess with my ex it was way more obvious. I kind of feel a bit unsure in my head like she makes me feel I'm the one being unreasonable

OP posts:
MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 27/05/2023 10:20

It's controlling behaviour and a massive red flag.

I sometimes get a text from DH at 8am and I don't respond till 3pm as I've been busy with work. But I'll also ignore his phone calls haha

My friend often messages me and I forget to respond totally!!

You are under no obligation to reply, and certainly not within a set time frame.

FinallyHere · 27/05/2023 10:24

Possessiveness and putting own needs ahead of your well being.

Soz. That's a red flag.

Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 28/05/2023 07:19

Thanks everyone for you words and advice. She refuses to acknowledge she wasn't nice and refuses to apologise. Her apology was "i'm sorry that me repeating a comment you made about people taking their children to a pub offends you"
But that isn't what I said at all. I said about being dragged to a pub by my parents who got very drunk so hours on end into the evening and I was very bored.
Then she said I werent nice and gave her no reassurance when she said she was upset that I didn't check in with her and her DC. Shes turning it on me saying im being dismissive of the way shes feeling, however she won't even acknowledge what shes said and her rudeness to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 28/05/2023 07:20

ProfessorXtra · 27/05/2023 09:09

Op, unfortunately you have left one abusive relationship. And got into another.

Do you think it's abusive too?

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 28/05/2023 07:26

Sparkleandsequin · 28/05/2023 07:20

Do you think it's abusive too?

Show quote history

Yes

She took a comment you told her about a difficult part of your childhood and threw it in your face when you didn’t act in the way she wanted you to. That’s disgusting. Then she is trying make out you are unreasoned and play it off as “just saying what you said”.

She is clearly showing controlling behaviour. I’ve been married 10 years…my husband wouldn’t text me like that just because I missed a text for a few hours. It’s not the behaviour of a normal healthy relationship.

Have you done any work around recognising the signs of a controlling relationship? Might be worth it if you can access it anywhere.

Honestly I think you should leave the relationship. She sounds awful. You had a lovely afternoon with your friends and child and she has come and shit all over it and made you feel like crap.

SouthCountryGirl · 28/05/2023 07:26

Sparkleandsequin · 28/05/2023 07:20

Do you think it's abusive too?

Show quote history

It sounds controlling. As PPs have said if it's that important, she would have called. Text messages can wait.

Chchchchchangesss · 28/05/2023 07:32

Apologise if you are not the same person, but you've posted about her before haven't you? Multiple times.

She's a vile, disgusting bully who is making your child's life an absolute misery. How many more times will you need to be advised to LTB? How many more times do you need to be told she's abusive to you and your poor child?

If it's not you then i apologize. But if you're not, then your dp is abusive too.