To wonder if I can just go out on my own?

[Whirlywiccan]

I've been with my partner for 8 years. He's self employed and works a few days a week, I work from home.

Neither of us have any friends - he lost touch with all his when he temporarily became homeless before we met and I've never really felt the need for friends.

However, I'm 40 this year. My children are teenagers and I feel like life is passing me by sat in the house all the time.

Can I just go places on my own? Should I tell my partner what I'm doing, should I go when he's at work during the day, on his days off...? I literally have no idea where to start, other than I'd like to go out of the house a couple of times a week.

I do have one friend, we've been kind of online friends for 20 years, but he's male and I've only met up with him 4 times in those 20 years because...well, staying in has just been easier than leaving the house, even for social activities, plus he's a man and none of my previous partners ever liked me socialising with men.

This friend has invited me out a few times - to the pub quiz with some of his mates, etc., but I've never felt like I can go because I can't work out how to tell my partner I'd be meeting up with my male friend! Would it be weird to just do that as a starting point for some sort of social life, or should I just start with a walk or something on my own once a week?

Apologies if this is really weird; if it helps understand at all, I'm autistic and socialising isn't ever something I've wanted to do until now.

Could you take up a new hobby? Join a art class or a choir or something like that?

Yes go out with your friend, tell your partner or ask if he wants to go too.

Alternatively look for a class or group that's near you and join that.

Calligraphy, flower arranging, yoga, netball, running, furniture making, walking, belly dancing, art, history......

There's loads around. Look up adult education and your town name, or local libraries, leisure centre or community centres to see what's available.

There may also be volunteering or befriending schemes run by food banks, age U.K., local charity groups that would interest you.

Yes you cam go out on your own. And have male friends. I do both. My DH is fine with it.
He has female friends too.

So you’re reaching a milestone birthday this year, you’re in a long term relationship and have teenage children, and you work from home. All sounds quite normal.

You say you have started to feel a little like life is passing you by, and recognised you have no friends (except one online) and you now seem curious about socialising more than you do now and what things you might try out?

Your long term online long friend has extended in-person invitations previously but you have been hesitant to accept invitations from this friend because they are male.

What else is stopping you meet up with this friend?

Yes of course you can.

I hope you build some connections and get pleasure from them.

What about work? Do you get on well enough with any colleagues to get out and about with them?

Look around your area for:

Book club
Sewing class
Language class
Volunteering
Gym class
Pilates

They will get you out and meeting people while doing something that interests you.

I agree with finding some kind of class or social or volunteer group to start with. Meetup.com is a good place to find groups. Have a look if places like your local library or community centres do coffee mornings or bingo or something.
Groups like the WI (Women's Institute) might also be good.

So do you just never go out anywhere without your partner? Like for a coffee or a wander round the shops?

I am sitting eating lunch by myself right now. It is one of life's greatest pleasures. I have a DH and kids. But I am a person in my own right.

Well, the only thing stopping me is imagining that if I tell my partner "I'm going out with x on x day", he'll think how strange that is and won't like the idea of it.

Also my children aren't his, so leaving him to look after them whilst I swan off out seems a bit wrong, too. I can't imagine he'd be too happy.

I did join an app called peanut, once, which was for making female friends but he said that was silly.

I also used to volunteer with a local charity but stopped when I met my partner. Have mentioned going back but although he doesn't discourage me, he doesn't particularly encourage either. Just kind of "yeah, whatever" which then makes me feel like I shouldn't go.

See if there's one of these near you
https://www.placesofwelcome.org.uk/

Yeah your partner is a controlling jerk and you are being abused.

As strange as it sounds, what kind of times of day do you go out?

Do you tell your partner you're going/have been out?

My partner quite often pops out during the day and sometimes he tells me where he's going, most of the time he just goes which is why I'm wondering what's usual.

Sound slike he is not much of a oartner tbh.
He is alone and wants you to be too just going by the discouragements.
Also you have been together 8 years, your kids are teenagers and don't need constant entertainment from him so what's the priblem

All times. At night. In the day. For weekends away on my own. Whenever I feel I want to. He is not my keeper. I sometimes tell him. Sometimes not.

When DC were young I would tell him. Now they are in their teens.

Erm just go out lol or even better go out with your other half makes a relationship even stronger

Do you chat much to your partner? Instead of jumping in with telling him you are going, can you tell him about how you have been feeling with wanting to get out more and make new friends?

Then I do think you need to ask him rather than tell him as you shouldn't expect him to look after your kids without him agreeing to it. But I do think he should agree to it!

a) sure you can
b) sports clubs are pretty good for broadening our circle of acquaintance - running, cycling, tennis, golf... Swimming even though by its nature, more of the chat is in the cafe after. You don't have to be good at it!!!

Your partner doesn't own you op
.go out. Have fun
Have a friend

Just because he doesn't want or need one doesn't mean you can't have one either just because your friend is a guy

So many controlling men who have no lives and want their partners to have no lives either.

If your children are teenagers, will he really be looking after them? Or is it more that he might have to get everyone lunch?

Does he ever make lunch or dinner for everyone when you're there?

I suppose I'm wondering why your children actually need looking after. Is it more that they are a bit young to be left entirely alone?

I'm trying hard not to make assumptions because it sounds as if a lot of your thoughts on what you're allowed to do are because of your partner, and previous partners.

I missed that OPs kids are teens. if so why can't they be left alone while you go out for a couple of hours?

I second telling him how you've been feeling and what you'd like to do, if he's likely to be receptive. If not I would just casually say 'I might go to a pub quiz with 'friend's name' on Friday, do you want to come?' The ball is in his court then, he can join you or not but it's clear that you're not excluding him or doing anything wrong.

Don't listen if he tries to discourage or disparage you going, it's perfectly normal to go out with friends and he was invited. I'm autistic too and think you're really brave for getting out of your comfort zone, it's actually made me want to be a bit braver! Have a lovely time, whatever you end up doing.

You have teenagers - I don't understand why you can't just go out and leave them to it at home? It's nothing to do with your partner - he doesn't need to be there.