To wonder if I can just go out on my own?

[Whirlywiccan]

I've been with my partner for 8 years. He's self employed and works a few days a week, I work from home.

Neither of us have any friends - he lost touch with all his when he temporarily became homeless before we met and I've never really felt the need for friends.

However, I'm 40 this year. My children are teenagers and I feel like life is passing me by sat in the house all the time.

Can I just go places on my own? Should I tell my partner what I'm doing, should I go when he's at work during the day, on his days off...? I literally have no idea where to start, other than I'd like to go out of the house a couple of times a week.

I do have one friend, we've been kind of online friends for 20 years, but he's male and I've only met up with him 4 times in those 20 years because...well, staying in has just been easier than leaving the house, even for social activities, plus he's a man and none of my previous partners ever liked me socialising with men.

This friend has invited me out a few times - to the pub quiz with some of his mates, etc., but I've never felt like I can go because I can't work out how to tell my partner I'd be meeting up with my male friend! Would it be weird to just do that as a starting point for some sort of social life, or should I just start with a walk or something on my own once a week?

Apologies if this is really weird; if it helps understand at all, I'm autistic and socialising isn't ever something I've wanted to do until now.

It doesn't matter if he thinks something is silly, if you want to do something go for it. Am sure DH thinks half of what I do is a waste of time, doesn't matter, I don't ask him to be involved. Wouldn't catch him at a Pilates class.

If we're both in I tell him where I'm off to out of basic courtesy, would do the same for a housemate. But I'm telling, not asking.

This is a good post and leaves out a the silly "don't tell him and just do it" advice which the OP clearly isn't up for doing.

I wish you all the luck in the world OP

Start by going out for a walk at lunch time, and maybe stopping in a cafe for a coffee. Then maybe go and see a film one evening. A solo cinema trip is lovely. Go to the library at the weekend, or for a look around the shops, or a gallery. Work out what sort of things you like doing outside the house, then you can find the right sort of people to do them with.

I guess what is normal in your relationship isn't necessarily what's normal in mine or anyone else's. But the imbalance here is a worry. He is free to go out and if you don't feel able to, that's not right.

In my relationship, we mostly ask each other, or might say "popping out to the shop, do you need anything?". It's not really a permission thing, it's more are you ok to have to kids at this time, have you got anything else booked in that I should take into account? For us it's treating the other person with respect, and importantly it is equal.

I can see things working just as well in couple who are a bit (or a lot!) more autonomous. I don't need DH's permission to meet a friend, in any way, however I do consult him if he's likely to be around, so I can find a time that fits with his plans. More important than how much you consult with him, IMO, is that your plans and wishes are held as just as important as his, and treated with the same level of respect. If the norm for your partner is he doesn't tell you where or when he's going, then absolutely you don't have to tell him where or when you are going. He needs to treat you how he'd want to be treated himself.

How old are the teens? 13 14 so need some supervision of 17 18 so can look after themselves?

, my kids and DHs kids so I liaise with hi when hes free to have the kids, and vice versa. He went out last night, pre planned with a male friend whilst I had the kids. I went out the night before short notice alone.

So with the kids, I'd they need supervision, I'd discuss it with orange partner but I'd expect him to be fine with it. Is their Dad around?

Or if your wfh hours are flexible go out in the day.

Things I like to do alone
Cinema
Theatre
Coffee shop and a book
Eating (I have 3 year olds....)

Re make friends, is he local? If he invited you to X could you invite DP too? But I don't think it's fair to limit a partners friend based on sex. I have lots of make friends who i volunteer with away from home a few weekends a year, one I met up with the kids and one I see twice a year for a full day out

If yo u want to volunteer, ignore his negative comments, and do ot

Why are you allowing your partner to be the one in control of your life?

You aren’t just x’s mum and y’s partner - those are aspects of your life, but primarily, you are WhirlyWiccan, and the only person who has a right to tell you what do is you!

Please take this chance to rethink and to do things for yourself. I’ve been with DH for 25 years, but we do things together and apart. He goes walking and camping; I go to book festivals and the theatre. I go and meet friends in for flung places when I want to. He would never dream of thinking that he needed tp approve or disapprove because it’s my life.

What about going for a walk with DH? I've been out walking with my DH on Monday evening at a castle grounds. Sometimes we go for a walk that ends up in a beer garden. You could go alone if your DH isn't up for it. The summer is almost here don't spend all your time in the house.

Don't overthink things. If OH says OK whatever when I ask him it basically means he's fine with it and probably doesn't get why I'm asking.
Unless he's a total arse he won't be too bothered about you going out provided it's not all the time. As said before you can always ask if he wants to come along.
How old are the children? You'll usually get that it isn't the step parents responsibility to care for the children and he has every right to say no.

What would you like to do?

it's perfectly fine to go out by yourself at any time you want to.

i would tell my partner, but I think that's a basic courtesy, I'd tell anyone I lived with that was in a communal area, depending on the relationship I would tell them
if they were in their own space too.

id tell my partner if it was planned in advance, when it was convenient.

I wouldn't live with someone (like your partner) who just goes out without saying where they're going & roughly when they expect to back or forth or not for dinner etc. but it's a discussion, not permission or whatever.

your children are teenagers, what 'looking after' would he need to do?

if going for a walk by yourself is a big step, then why not start with that when you're home alone. If my partner was out at work, I'd feel no need to tell him.

it is really nuanced and it's hard to explain, it's not something non autistic, non controlled/abused women give much, if any, thought to, it just comes naturally

sorry.

Talk to your partner about how you've been feeling. He should encourage you - it would be worrying if he tried to dissuade you.

It's normal to say you're going out but you don't need to ask or make a big announcement. Just "I'm popping to the shop" or "I'm going for a walk, I'll be about an hour". For something longer I'd generally mention it in advance "I'm going to the pub quiz with X on Thursday night". If your children are teens they shouldn't need much in the way of looking after. His kids or not, you're living as a family unit, he shouldn't begrudge looking after them.

And do it all! Start getting out for walks, so good for both physical and mental health. Meet up with your friend. And find a class or club to try.

I'm excited for you!

Join your nearest Rock Choir, best thing i ever did

Rock Choir

yeah, you've got a BF problem

Any man who doesn't want you to go out with a friend is a bad man.

Rock choir is a good idea - or any other kind of choir. There are several in my area and a couple are women only if that makes you feel more comfortable.

I’m always popping out, I mean on a memorable occasion I bumped in to a mate and disappeared for 5 hours leaving him at home. I had my phone on me so was contactable but we just don’t notice the time. We are both pretty bad at measuring time.

I am hoping to go to an outdoor yoga class for the first time this weekend but have a bit of a cold. I will just say right I’m off to the park at x time to a class.

I find it mind boggling that you live like this 😳 (I have autism too, so perhaps I find it hard to see things from a different perspective but still….!)

I don’t work, I am 42 and I’m always popping out and about all over the place!! Dh works full time so I don’t tell him what I do during the day at the time but I might mention it later. If he’s at home and I am going out of course I’ll tell him but I try to keep weekends free for us to do stuff together. But during the week I’m going for walks / taking myself off to McDonald’s or whatever / having a coffee with a friend / going to the nearest city for the shops / all sorts! I’d go mad just staying in!

My DH isn't much for going out. I just inform him. I often go for walks after the kids are in bed, by myself or with friends, take one of the children out and leave the other, or book swimming or something else at the weekend or evening.

Just because he's happy at home all the time doesn't mean you have to.

I used to go to the cinema and to exercise classes on my own a lot before lockdown and before having my little one and I imagine I will do all that again when I’m older 🤷‍♀️

It sounds like your partner isn't fussed about his lack of social life which is fine if he is happy but you are allowed to be different. Don't be put off by his lack of encouragement, he's not your parent and you don't need someone else to tell you it's a good idea....well you sort of do because you are here asking us, what I mean is you don't need enthusiastic permission from him.

I think you should go to the pub quiz, join some clubs, maybe a walking group or craft group. Look for one off workshops too. When you go along just try chatting to people be honest that you are being brave and trying to socialise a bit more as you've got out of the habit. I'm sure you will meet some like minded people.

If your children are teenagers then they surely don't need 'looking after'. Doing what you want to do is normal- go to the pub quiz or whatever you want to do.

It is not normal to feel worried about telling your partner you want an evening out.

Any man who doesn't want you to go out with a friend is a bad man.

Where has she she said he doesn't want her to go out with her friends?

Can I just go places on my own? Should I tell my partner what I'm doing, should I go when he's at work during the day, on his days off...? I literally have no idea where to start, other than I'd like to go out of the house a couple of times a week.

Reminds me of a Victoria Wood joke; the one where she escaped by knotting sheets together to make a moped.

Don't forget a bag of crumbs to scatter, so you can find your way home again.

She did. she said the only thing stopping her going out with a friend is that he won't like it.

Start with the walk.

Say yes to the friend about the quiz.

And go from there.

Your partner sounds like a boring, controlling wanker. Why are you with him, why did you decide to live with him? Doesn't sound like he improves your life much.

Indeed...

Well, the only thing stopping me is imagining that if I tell my partner "I'm going out with x on x day", he'll think how strange that is and won't like the idea of it.

Her imagining that he won't like it is exactly the same as him actually not liking it.