To wonder if I can just go out on my own?

[Whirlywiccan]

I've been with my partner for 8 years. He's self employed and works a few days a week, I work from home.

Neither of us have any friends - he lost touch with all his when he temporarily became homeless before we met and I've never really felt the need for friends.

However, I'm 40 this year. My children are teenagers and I feel like life is passing me by sat in the house all the time.

Can I just go places on my own? Should I tell my partner what I'm doing, should I go when he's at work during the day, on his days off...? I literally have no idea where to start, other than I'd like to go out of the house a couple of times a week.

I do have one friend, we've been kind of online friends for 20 years, but he's male and I've only met up with him 4 times in those 20 years because...well, staying in has just been easier than leaving the house, even for social activities, plus he's a man and none of my previous partners ever liked me socialising with men.

This friend has invited me out a few times - to the pub quiz with some of his mates, etc., but I've never felt like I can go because I can't work out how to tell my partner I'd be meeting up with my male friend! Would it be weird to just do that as a starting point for some sort of social life, or should I just start with a walk or something on my own once a week?

Apologies if this is really weird; if it helps understand at all, I'm autistic and socialising isn't ever something I've wanted to do until now.

If he's making you feel bad about going out he's a run of the mill controlling fucking bastard. You don't need permission, tell him as it's common courtesy. Your DC are old enough to be alone for 2 hours in the evening. Tell him you are doing a pub quiz on Mondays, Zumba on Tuesday and choir singing on Friday. His reaction will tell you everything.

OP, this is so sad to read. Of course you can go out on your own. Why not just go to a coffee shop for an hour, and enjoy reading your book or a paper? I have been married for decades, and we both do lots of things on our own because we have different hobbies, interests and friends (as well as those we share). We are two independent adults - we have lives as individuals, as well as being a couple. Just get out there!

She did. she said the only thing stopping her going out with a friend is that he won't like it.

No, she didn't say that at all.

She says she imagines he wouldn't like it. Which is not the same thing.

He may be controlling or not. Either way your DC will leave home soon and have their own lives. Do you really want to be 50 and have no one in your life but your partner? What happens if he leaves or dies?

Do you never go out alone? Even to the shops? Or work?

I'm not sure about joining a club. What about going to the cinema together?

On a Saturday I go to a local shopping centre for a wander round. Sometimes I'll have coffee and a bun while I'm there (alone).

Most MNers would tell their partners that they’re going out and possibly what they’re doing too.

I personally struggle with the concept of telling someone what I’m doing and where I’m going when I am an adult but I am autistic too.

The only time I think you need to tell someone where you’re going or what time you’ll be back is if you have children.

If you don’t usually go out then it would be a bit odd if he found out you were going out when he wasn’t there, it would seem a bit suspicious.

Just tell him you’re planning to go out with your friend on Saturday night to the pub for a couple of hours because you’ve not been out in so long.

I would definitely start doing a daily walk and perhaps join some clubs to get you back into the routine of going out.

Do either of you work?

I don’t like the sound of your partner.

It was her first par.

I've been with my partner for 8 years. He's self employed and works a few days a week, I work from home.

How come?

Nothing in her posts suggests he's abusive or controlling. It's all about how she "imagines" he'd react if she went out alone - but there's nothing about how he'd actually react.

It reads to me like OP doesn't have much confidence and is convinced that going out alone after all these years would cause a row, even though there's no proof that it actually would.

I'd start going to a class in the evening.

Do you go out without him with your teenagers? That might be a good way to push yourself out of this isolation.

Plan a day in half term doing something you will all enjoy. Go Ape, an escape room, skating, gallery in the next town etc. Don't talk about it in advance and then just go.