To change my opinion of my own parents since having kids

[Froggles1]

Just wondering if anyone has experienced similar as I feel guilty feeling like this but since becoming a parent, I feel really hurt and annoyed by the way my parents are.

There is probably too much to explain here but growing up they always had a volatile relqtionship (not abusive but argued a lot and mum would often leave with bags packed etc then return as if nothing happened). They dont discuss things ever & just continued this pattern (still together)

Both can be kind people but I feel like everything is on their terms. They live about 45 mins away so not far but theh very very rarely visit us. We work full time etc so we typically can only do the journey once a month. My mum comments that they never see our children a lot and insists on buying them things to make up for this. I confided once that I felt our son was missing them and her response was “well then he should come see us more”. 😒I think this is completely unfair to expect a 5 year old to maintain their relationship! They also see my sisters children a lot more & subsequently my kids are less comfortable there than them just due to familiarity.

throughout my life my parents, although I know loved me, very much put their social lives, friendships and wider family members before me. I was slso given silent treatment (mum) if i did something wrong or she would share too much with me regarding her life etc. Now, I feel they dont really listen to me or have much interest in me. Mum in particular talks over me and monologues about her life, ranting etc whereas Dad barely says a word

i have had a lot of counselling and have built a lovely family. I have a good job and a lot to be proud of but I feel so heartbroken that they dont ever acknowledge me, say they are proud etc

they have very different values to me and whereas i always felt we were close, over the last few years I have really noticed these things and feel a distance due to them.

aibu to be upset?

I totally agree with this post. A very good friend who is now deceased brought up her children with the main aim of creating independent confident children. As toddlers they brought their own clothes to the washing machine, selected their own clothes, emptied dishwasher etc.It was a very interesting upbringing and the sad thing was that her children became independently functioning adults v quickly after her premature death.

Yes agree with this - my feelings about my parents have drastically changed since having DC1 and 2 - I feel quite a lot of anger and bitterness towards them which I never did before

My dad always had a temper but I’ve realised that they were so abusive and manipulative when younger and my mum often sides with my dad now about this stuff - defends him etc

At 7 my dad once pretended to be dead to see how much I love him, he was so narcissic and to this day thinks he knows best and is controlling. He said I was a parasite when I was born as he needed to spend his finances on me. He would always blame me for everything - eg he Once hit a lamppost in the car and said I was distracting him

he would blame me for their financial situation eg if I just listened to his ideas about generating wealth at 17 and helped him find a way he/we could have been millionaires by now. But it’s my fault that he isn’t

he was physically violent at times eg throwing plates which is a whole other thing - and I spent much of my young life hiding in the bathroom as it had a lock - or just being scared

he didn’t want me to move out to live in a flat as I wouldn’t be able to survive or cope

when I didn’t get offered a long term job after my training/probationary period due to lack of space he and my mum said I should have worked harder - I worked incredibly hard for a long time (late nights, weekends) - it was just an error by the firm and they literally created a job the next morning to keep me.

he embarrasses me in front of my husband by talking about the one silly thing I did 20 years ago as a teen- speaking for hours with a friend on the phone and generating a large phone bill. It’s the worst/only bad thing I’ve ever done as a teen

he demands money even now and finds it difficult to understand that I must provide for my children over them

they say I was awful for goikg to ibiza as a 20 year old - like I was wasting money - and like I was a layabout wasting my life.

it’s emotionally immature, toxic, unpredictable, narcisstic behaviour

I always felt like they loved me in their own way - but loved themselves more and were really bad at regulating feelings or behaviour - and never bothered

There’s a lot there and I probably need therapy

I don’t think we can generalise like this though for everyone, the same idea with having kids younger in their generation. My Mum had me at 30 in the 90s, is in her early 60s now and active enough to be a part of a walking club, took early retirement from part time work since mid 50s, and goes out every single day but can’t come 40 minutes down the road to me. The only part of me that feels bad for her is that I know her parents weren’t that great (they raised me practically so I know how severe their parenting could be if we misbehaved).

of course it’ll be the way for some, not most, but some people are just shitty parents.

Sorry to hear what a bad time you had. Don’t know if therapy would help or not but it sounds like you have processed it well, in that you understand it wasn’t your fault at all and you were just a normal child/teenager doing stuff young people do.

Sorry, my post was for @Namechangedforthis25

Absolutely this!

I was scared of my parents, so was my DH. I’d be so upset if my kids were scared of me. It just seems so wrong to me. My DHs parents are quite proud of it and still laugh about it now. Makes me feel really sick.

I barely have a relationship with my DM any more. It's only since having children and realising that I wasn't happy with how my DM treated my DC and also that I could never do or say some of the horrible things she has done and said to me when I was young, that I've realised that she wasn't (and still isn't) 'doing her best' at all. It's been devastating and I can never go back to 'not seeing' how very selfish and unkind she is. I can still remember how lucky I felt when I was first pregnant that my child would have such a loving grandmother. I was so so wrong.

@Froggles1

i also think part of parenting well is being open to hearing what you children have to say about it, whether when they’re children or as adults looking back.

this isn’t a conversation I could have with my parents that would get us anywhere.

is get a lot of defensiveness and self justification and minimising of my experience.

hearing a genuine ‘yes I can see that was hard for you and I’m sorry, I wish I could do it differently’ would be healing but isn’t available.

Go NC with him, seriously.

I can relate to a lot of what you’ve described with my highly narcissistic parent, and being so scared as a child - I lived in a constant state of anxiety. Going NC as an adult has been one of the best decisions of my life.

There is no excuse for cruelty and neglect. It’s as simple as that. If that’s the best they can do, it’s okay to say it wasn’t good enough and you damaged me.

There is a world of difference between good enough parenting and hobbling along loving your kids and doing your best, life is really hard and exhausting but no one gets excused for throwing plates at their child or making them live in fear day in and day out, nope. These people should not have had kids in the first place, and it’s very damaging to children.

I see my dads failures as a single parent of two daughters in a kinder light now that I’m also a single parent. yes for sure .
I wonder how my mum could have left her young daughters even more now that I have my own children.

As a parent myself, I realise that whilst not perfect my mum worked damned hard and was totally carrying all of the mental load. She also had to be the consistent one (my dad could be quite emotionally volatile). I loved them both as a kid and still do - but dad did the 'fun stuff' so got an easier ride especially when I was a teen. Mum did all the actual parenting, and to be frank her work ensured there was fun stuff planned in the first place.

For those of us who were disciplined physically, perhaps not abusive by the standards of the day, but certainly by today's standards, 💐

I remember being hit across the face regularly from the age of 7 or so, and when my DC turned 7 having a revelation that literally nothing they did would make me do that to them. So, it wasn't my fault when I was a kid.

It's hard to reconcile that with the narrative of a "happy childhood".

Not dismissing anything you've said OP, but 45mins drive is nothing, the effort could be made on both sides.
I only ever find it on MN that anything other than 10mins is a journey.

Yes and no. When mine were babies I couldn’t believe that my mum did it 5 times! She was also such a help when my 2 were newborns. However having children was a catalyst for me questioning so much about my life. I grew up a evangelical Christian and having children made me question my faith and ultimately reject it all.

I now really struggle with the religious upbringing my parents gave me. I was essentially brain washed from birth! I also think teaching children concepts like heaven and hell is abusive and I am so glad I am not bringing my children up like this.

My parents love me but they were very controlling. I have also realised they can’t except anyone who has different views than their own. My children are getting older now and instead of appreciating the people they are my parents are just sad they aren’t Christians. It’s an awful way to be.

Damn, did I write this in my sleep?! I know exactly how you feel, OP.

It really bothers me, since my DD turned the same age, that my mum used to let my 21+ year old bf sleep over (in my bed) when I was 14/15 onwards. No one looked out for me (neither did my non resident dad), and I would absolutely never tolerate such a thing with my own children. In fact I've had to access therapy over it (and maaaaany other things). Kids need boundaries built on love and their parents actually giving a shit. And I have had to distance myself from my parents, before the resentment and hurt about the past ate me up.

Also- the difference suddenly becomes glaring in adulthood when you and your peers start getting married and having babies.. I have had some extremely bittersweet feelings, seeing my lovely friends more "normal" families being...well, normal. Being loving and proud and involved at life's milestones, where mine were heartbreakingly lacking. I wasn't expecting that blow. Of course I do not begrudge my friends their decent families, but damn if it didn't underscore it all for me.

I wasn’t a huge fan of MIL before I had children but even less so after I had DC.
She was incredibly disinterested in her children. I think I was always aware of this but having my own made me wonder how someone could be like this.
She lived a big distance away and we did see her regularly but I realised she just had no idea or interest in us at all really. She didn’t even know what we really did for work, just the fact it wasn’t near her and what an inconvenience it was to her.

DH always used to go on about her being brilliant but I think he’s realised too. She didn’t care how they did in school, not interested in his friends. Not interested in the out of school activities. Doing well and going to uni was just an inconvenience, they should stay home and do her shopping for her.

when DH and I were young he was very very unwell and was in hospital and she just didn’t seem very interested. She never visited (nothing to stop her coming). My FIL did ring once. When he came out of hospital she complained there had been nothing wrong with him (he was still very unwell) and he should come see her as she had a cold and refused to speak to him for weeks. Now I have DC even when they are adults nothing would stop me going to see them.

You are very much uneducated about parenting, and it shows.

And no, we did not "study" things like emotional abuse, physical abuse, and other childhood issues until very recently (last 30 years or so).

Nobody really cared before then. It was just expected that children would suck it up, and parents would continue doing their own thing.

The current generation of parents now understands the reality of what a terrible way of raising children that was.

@Cloudburstings I couldnt bring it up with mine either as I’d get defensiveness too. Its hard as I used to feel like I could tell them anything but actually reflect now on how much of a people pleaser I am due to the eggshells I sometimes had to walk on as a child.

@HerMammy I agree its not far hence why we usually are the ones making the journey. Its just nice if it could be shared but they always seem to want to be on their turf so to speak.

🤣🤣🤣 most mumsnet post time of all time. Unbelievable.

YANBU OP, I think one of the things no one really prepares you for when you have children is the ways in which it drags up your own childhood, often in painful ways.

I totally agree with this. I think future generations will be horrified by how childcentric this generation of parenting has been. Yes we are all impacted by the parenting we had. My parents made some mistakes which I have learnt from and parent differently cause of that, but they also did a lot of good things and I didn't grow up believing that I was the centre of their universe. Their marriage, jobs, the house etc were also priorities. I'm not sure all the focus being on the kids is such a good thing.

A little humility wouldn't go amiss.

100% agree. Anyone who is critical of past childrearing practices without understanding that future generations will view our practices with the same scorn is an idiot.