To change my opinion of my own parents since having kids

[Froggles1]

Just wondering if anyone has experienced similar as I feel guilty feeling like this but since becoming a parent, I feel really hurt and annoyed by the way my parents are.

There is probably too much to explain here but growing up they always had a volatile relqtionship (not abusive but argued a lot and mum would often leave with bags packed etc then return as if nothing happened). They dont discuss things ever & just continued this pattern (still together)

Both can be kind people but I feel like everything is on their terms. They live about 45 mins away so not far but theh very very rarely visit us. We work full time etc so we typically can only do the journey once a month. My mum comments that they never see our children a lot and insists on buying them things to make up for this. I confided once that I felt our son was missing them and her response was “well then he should come see us more”. 😒I think this is completely unfair to expect a 5 year old to maintain their relationship! They also see my sisters children a lot more & subsequently my kids are less comfortable there than them just due to familiarity.

throughout my life my parents, although I know loved me, very much put their social lives, friendships and wider family members before me. I was slso given silent treatment (mum) if i did something wrong or she would share too much with me regarding her life etc. Now, I feel they dont really listen to me or have much interest in me. Mum in particular talks over me and monologues about her life, ranting etc whereas Dad barely says a word

i have had a lot of counselling and have built a lovely family. I have a good job and a lot to be proud of but I feel so heartbroken that they dont ever acknowledge me, say they are proud etc

they have very different values to me and whereas i always felt we were close, over the last few years I have really noticed these things and feel a distance due to them.

aibu to be upset?

Yes, very much so.

A chunk of it was that it was a different era...but, if I compare our family to the other families in the locality at the same time, yes, they dropped the ball a lot as parents.

Now, some of that I can directly trace it back to the dysfunctional childhoods they themselves had but it can't actually excuse much of it. They had a choice to do things differently to their own parents, but chose not to.

I have a choice to do things differently to my parents, and I try very hard to do pretty much most of what they didn't bother to do. I get lots of eyerolling from DM over my parenting, but I don't really care.

Well obviously if you've been the victim of abuse you'd know this doesn't apply to you. You wouldn't need me to tell you so.

No no she’s me! Well apart from it was my dad who would pack his suitcase and she doesn’t buy presents!

Please don’t minimise peoples experience. It’s really not on.

Your definition of abuse. that’s not your call to make.

'Humans have been raising children since the beginning of humanity. It's never been perfect and never will be perfect'

No one is asking for 'perfect', and what would 'perfect' parenting look like anyway? You're minimising and dismissing something you clearly don't understand

It’s interesting that you are being so judgemental. So why do you feel you have to be? What’s happened to make you feel it’s okay to post and minimise other posts? Are you a crap parent feeling defensive for instance?

I have no worries about labelling my childhood abusive - the law will confirm my experience, but abuse comes in many forms and it’s subjective. It’s simply not acceptable to say to others that their abuse doesn’t count, it absolutely does count, and I am
sorry op your parents are not better. Their loss in the end

@onefinemess Is that really all you think a child should expect from their parents? I find that horrendously sad.

I absolutely had all of those things growing up - which I’m well aware is a hell of a lot more than some children can say. BUT, I was rarely (if ever!) given cuddles or affection from my parents. I was never told that I was loved. I was given absolutely no emotional support. And similar to @Froggles1 describes, I spent most of my childhood listening to screaming arguments from upstairs and having parents walking out on each other. I’m in my 30s now and they still behave this way.

I now have one DC of my own and yes, I do feel that my parents should have done better in some respects. My son is told that he is loved every day and I will do everything in my power to make sure that he knows he can rely on us emotionally as well as physically. Do DH and I argue? Of course! We bicker like most couples do but my son will never sit upstairs and listen to us arguing and wait to see if mummy or daddy come home after walking out.

I went through this exact mind process myself, after I became a mother. I think it must be a thing our minds do when the cycle of life continues… I was thinking that parenting has changed since the 1990s, people are much less neglectful and don’t use violence for behaviour control anymore. I don’t think my parents were bad people, I just think they acted in the same way everyone did without thinking very much. It wasn’t so unusual to just settle down and make a family in those days, whereas now it’s much more of an effort to be able to do that, with the affordability of it. My friend asked me whether I was confident my mum could do childcare for my son considering the way she was when I was a child, but I replied that she has matured a lot and has become much more of a responsible person, so I am more than confident.

I am making sure that I don’t repeat their youthful mistakes. I’m also paying a lot of attention to the language I use, and making deliberate choices in order to encourage a healthy psyche. I don’t think my parents would have ever thought in that way. They still don’t, but they move with normality, which has shifted.

Raising a child, and loving a child can be very different. Not being a smug new age parent. Some of these comments are very snidy and horrible I wonder what their childhood was like. Kids should be treasured and loved with firm boundaries. Also kids need us to be their parents and not their friends.

There's a world of difference between abusive parents and not-the-best/could-do-better parents. If you know that you were the child of the former, clearly my comment doesn't apply to you. There are other posts than yours on this thread. If you think my comment applies to you, of course you'll feel upset at your experience being minimized. Don't go looking for harm or hurt where there is none.

I'm sorry for the abuse you suffered.

I have made no such calls, anywhere. Neither have I sought to define what abuse is. I think your response is about you, not what I've written. I'm sorry if you had a difficult childhood.

I always knew my parents had done a decent job, but I felt there were a few things I would do better when the time came. Ha! I will never have half as much patience, calmness, good humour, creativity and general parenting acumen as them. They made it look easy and I now know it is not.

In terms of maintaining DS's relationship with them I feel that is my responsibility. They are always delighted to see us but they wouldn't be the ones to arrange it, which is fair since I moved away.

Sorry OP, that’s crap. I’m fortunate to have had the opposite experience. Since having DC I realise how much effort my parents made and how much I took them for granted. Parenting is bloody hard work but they made it look easy most of the time. There’s a couple of things I’ll do differently but overall I’m so grateful to have them as role models and also caregivers to my DC.

Your views also happen to be completely incorrect.

Over the last 30 years we have been able to study parenting styles, as well as what the effects are of abuse, neglect, humilliation etc..

The current generation of parents is much better at it because they are better prepared (educated).

Your generation (born in 1940s to 60s) knew little about parenting beyond generational word of mouth "truths" and shared social values.

I will give you an example:

If you had a child that was born with Downs Syndrome or Autism, parents would hide their child at home due to feelings of shame.

Society (and Parenting) has now evolved beyond that behavior.

And the next generation (our own kids) will likely be better parents than we were because they will have more experiential information.

Oh my word, this thread is like the twilight zone! How do you know when I was born? It wasn't between 1940 and 1960!

Do you really think humans started "studying" being parents only in the last 30 of our 300,000 year long history? Seriously??!

Do you think people born between 1940 and 1960 "knew little about parenting beyond generational word of mouth"? Do you think the printing press was invented after 1960?

Finally, are you really - REALLY - saying "the current generation of parents is much better at [parenting] because they are better prepared (educated)"?

Are you 17 years old?

Thanks for the replies!

I never meant to sound smug; I am not a perfect parent but I am trying to be more engaged and tell my kids how much I love them and how proud they make me.

my parents did both have difficult childhoods that really they would now probably seek counselling for but I agree; it is a generational thing.

ultimately I love them and want a relationship it just hurts that its one sided sometimes. I think lowering my expectations is key

@Froggles1 i follow an expert on social media who uses the phrase ‘emotionally immature parents’ to describe parents like yours.

maybe not outright abusive, but emotionally inadequate and reactive.

i saw my parent’s parenting differently when I became a parent. There were some parts they were good / strong at and others where they were very lacking.

their marriage deteriorated as I grew up and neither of them have or will ever take responsibility for what a horrible atmosphere that was to grow up in or how it gave us a very bad example of what was ‘normal’

it seems to me PP who say that if material needs were met, or all parenting is equally a failure are probably EIP emotionally immature parents themselves.

yes the knowledge and research HAS moved on in the last 30-40 years.

via the internet is it’s easy to find great resources that lay out the evidence for trying to parent well, and clear guides to how to do that.

But children just weren't the centre of attention in the same way in previous generations. It's the way it was.

Don't forget that your parents were brought up by grandparents who
A) didn't have access to contraception so got babies whether they wanted them or not, and
b) expected infant mortality hence the need for lots of children (you do not need to go back that far for this, just look at what happened before

Of course that makes things different.

I'm really not sure it is helpful to us to start analysing fairly normal childhoods in the way.

I certainly hope my own kids don't judge me in 30 years time because I'm sure by the way things have changed we'll all be found lacking.

You sound really old, very old school approach?

I judge their parenting decisions less. I rely heavily on research and advice from social groups on the internet and my parents had none of that - I absolutely cannot blame them for the actual decisions they made based on the info they had.

I blame the fuck out of them for the emotional abuse though. Once I had my own kids I could see how little love they had for me, how little they liked me as an individual, and how little of a shit they gave about my emotional wellbeing.

Similarly I used our eldest as a reference point for pointing out my in-laws abuse of DH. He was so deeply embedded still that he couldn't see what was wrong/right until I was able to ask him if he'd think their behaviour was ok towards DD. I understand why they had their own issues, but they chose to take it out on DH, and unlike my family they had more choices and information.

Like probably more than that very very low bar. I hope if you're a parent you're aiming for more than this.

Don't forget that your parents were brought up by grandparents who
A) didn't have access to contraception so got babies whether they wanted them or not.

This is unlikely unless PP are in their 90s as condoms have been widely available in the UK since the 1920s.

"product of their relationship" - how lovely. people who think like that should not be parents, there are various contraception methods available even in the 70s

It is totally normal to reflect on your own childhood once you have your own children. I didnt have a bad childhood and my parents love us all very much but ive come to realise since i had my own children that my mum was seriously mentally ill and still is. I think she might be undiagnosed BPD. She has a tendancy to make all these big plans and promise things then move onto the next thing. I never had a problem with this as im used to it. Indulge the fantasy, roll eyes and wait for the next big thing but once she started making big promises to my kids i had to step in and tell her to reign it in. Ive also vowed to parent differntly to them as i can see how their mistakes has effected all of their kids. Just little things that make a huge difference.