To change my opinion of my own parents since having kids

[Froggles1]

Just wondering if anyone has experienced similar as I feel guilty feeling like this but since becoming a parent, I feel really hurt and annoyed by the way my parents are.

There is probably too much to explain here but growing up they always had a volatile relqtionship (not abusive but argued a lot and mum would often leave with bags packed etc then return as if nothing happened). They dont discuss things ever & just continued this pattern (still together)

Both can be kind people but I feel like everything is on their terms. They live about 45 mins away so not far but theh very very rarely visit us. We work full time etc so we typically can only do the journey once a month. My mum comments that they never see our children a lot and insists on buying them things to make up for this. I confided once that I felt our son was missing them and her response was “well then he should come see us more”. 😒I think this is completely unfair to expect a 5 year old to maintain their relationship! They also see my sisters children a lot more & subsequently my kids are less comfortable there than them just due to familiarity.

throughout my life my parents, although I know loved me, very much put their social lives, friendships and wider family members before me. I was slso given silent treatment (mum) if i did something wrong or she would share too much with me regarding her life etc. Now, I feel they dont really listen to me or have much interest in me. Mum in particular talks over me and monologues about her life, ranting etc whereas Dad barely says a word

i have had a lot of counselling and have built a lovely family. I have a good job and a lot to be proud of but I feel so heartbroken that they dont ever acknowledge me, say they are proud etc

they have very different values to me and whereas i always felt we were close, over the last few years I have really noticed these things and feel a distance due to them.

aibu to be upset?

I think when you have your own children it does make you reevaluate how you were parented. I feel similar, in that when my DC got to an age I remember being I could not help comparing how I parented to how my parents did. I would be horrified to do some of the things they did, whereas at the time it just seemed normal.

Reading this and wondering if you are me!! Almost word for word, which may or may not be reassuring to you!!

I do think having your own kids makes you re-evaluate your own experience. Not sure of your age but the focus on social relationships (and in my DPS case, the booze) might be down 'to a different time' when parenting was generally more hands off (grasping at straws...!)

Anyway, solidarity to you. My childhood was in many ways lovely, and I know I was loved, but it's hard to shake the shame of uninterested parents (and now grandparents).

I wasn't able to have children, but honestly, the older I get the more I wonder about some of my parents parenting choices. I think this is only normal as your perspective changes.

No OP you’re not being unreasonable to be upset by what sounds like quite a difficult childhood and home environment - although in some ways sounds somewhat “average” for those of us growing up in the 70s through to the 90s (they were some brutal parenting decades).

On the other hand and only to add another perspective and not to devalue your feelings. Since having my own kids and becoming older (40+) I am much more able to see the struggles my parents had and to understand their childhoods and what happened to make them the way they are. I can stand back and appreciate just how difficult some of our life circumstances were for my parents and the choices they made (regardless of the outcomes being good or bad).
What I have learned most since becoming a parent myself is that my own parents were people too. And they were fucked up by their parents.

Something important to remember is also we (us around 30/40s) are the first generation to really utilise talk therapies, counselling and self help. My parents generation didn’t have the resources to be able to properly resolve their childhood trauma, they just got on with shit. As most working class people did.

We are the first ones who have the resources and privilege of holding up our experiences and really trying to understand and reconcile them. And we can take that learning and be better parents ourselves (hopefully).

You’re not wrong to feel the way you feel, I’ve been there. I just definitely feel less angry and more compassionate about it now I’ve worked through some stuff

Why do you believe that you should have been the focus of your parents lives?

I'm guessing that to them, you were a product of their relationship, not the reason for it.

You were healthy, had a roof over your head, food in your belly, clothes on your back.

What more did you expect?

Yeah I was always disappointed with how my parents treated me but I used to get a very strong "wait till you have kids then you'll understand" vibe from both them and to some extent other people. Well I have got children now and while the odd thing seems more forgiveable (eg they forgot my 7th birthday or at least didn't get round to buying anything or cooking for it which I've never done but I can actually see how it would happen) mostly I just think I gave them too much of the benefit of the doubt. Even by the standards of the time they were neglectful and self absorbed and checked out virtually completely when I turned 18. Fairly uninterested in grandchildren, but now they are too old to do their long haul holidays they are lonely and sad and I'm supposed to feel guilty about it

Jesus. Thank god my parents didn't aim for this bare minimum of parenting.

I expected love and attention - just as I show my kids

You're absolutely not unreasonable OP. My parents are similar in that I feel they don't really see or hear me for who I am, they talk over me or ignore what I say, and hold me responsible for maintaining the relationship. It bloody hurts, of course it does! It's perfectly understandable to want to be loved and accepted and valued by your own parents

I don't have children, but my feelings about them have changed over time, and through a lot of therapy. I can well imagine that having your own child, and not being able to imagine treating them that way, feels very painful

Therapy and time, and taking very good care of myself, have really helped with healing for me, as well as limited contact with my parents. Good luck. It's very tough x

I often talk about this with DSis. Now that we're both parents, we look back at some things my parents did/ said and think WTF

On the other hand, I also now understand that they only ever tried their best and although as a parent I have made very different decisions from them, I know I'm not perfect and DD will probably have her own list of complaints...

Since I have had kids I have a lot more sympathy for my mum and dad and understand them a lot better.

Honestly? From what you've written I think your parents were regular people with their own issues and not the most Disney/fairytale/perfect parents, and that you're overreacting. You're still looking at them as your parents, and see yourself relative to them as a child. They're adults. You're a grown adult. You're separate people. Detach (as hopefully one day your children will too, if they're to be healthy.) See them and yourself for what you are. Everyone is flawed and everyone has something good to hold onto. Move on. There's nothing in your post to merit heartbreak and this much sorrow. See the good in them, too.

Everyone I know, myself included, has a worse relationship with their parents after having children of their own. I think it’s only natural to compare your parenting to how you were raised, I knew my Mum wasn’t a great Mother as a teenager but it’s something that bothers me a great deal since having DC.

It does make you reflect a lot. Makes me appreciate the mortgage they paid, meals cooked, effort made etc.

Main bugbear of mine is why we didn't get sent to private school, they could more than afford it. I feel they emphasized the wrong things sometimes. I was sent to shitty local comp instead which was absolutely dog eat dog. I have never met people as rough and hard as that since I left school and not sure it contributed effectively to my education really!!

I also think that the previous generations put more emphasis on simply parenting enough, rather than patenting above and beyond. They prioritized themselves, rather than the kids.

I think many of us will relate to this @Froggles1

I for a long time would write off things my parents did as it being from a different time, but then when you have your own family and they're still behaving in a toxic fashion without any accountability you realise actually, they're just not suitable people to have children.

This is possibly an unpopular opinion but it only that.
The thing I've realised the older I've got is let's say we've levels of shit parenting.
Imagine we have categories 1 - 10, 10 the highest abuse, to 1 being just a bit shit.
Well the damage done seems to be very similar to everyone who experienced anything from 1 - 10.
I'm from an abhorrent upbringing, i'd say 8, but my damage levels often aren't dissimilar to others who's parental shittiness may have peaked at a 4.
If your parents damage you through negligence it takes just as much as a toll on a child as if they're being beaten or sexually abused, just because the crime is different, doesn't mean being fucked up in your formative years don't mean you spend the rest of your life trying to figure out how to almost fix and parent yourself.

It's like losing a leg, you could lose it through an axe maniac or diabetes, either way its traumatic, obviously one is worse but the outcome is learning to manage with the loss of a leg.
Not saying one isn't far more horrendous to endure but you're left with the same problem in the end.

I really hope that's not offended anyone, just from personal experience that no matter how much or mildly your parents fucked up, the children often struggle through adulthood.

'You're still looking at them as your parents, and see yourself relative to them as a child. They're adults. You're a grown adult. You're separate people. Detach (as hopefully one day your children will too, if they're to be healthy.)'

That's a very simplistic way of looking at the situation, but ultimately OP, detaching emotionally is somewhere you can get to, with time and therapy. Parents like yours and mine often do treat you like a child well into adulthood, because that's the only way they can relate to you. As their child, rather than as a separate person in your own right. It's not just as simple as 'move on', but it is possible to reach a place of peace and acceptance

I think this is very common. I know a few people who say this.
I've actually gone the other way and have become more forgiving of my parents now I've seen how complicated parenting can be! I used to be quite critical of the choices they made but now I have children I understand! I can see they were doing their best and that no one's perfect.

@onefinemess what a horrible nasty bitter reply. If you are a parent I hope you treat your kids with a damm site more compassion. No OP you aren't in the wrong. Just because you get fed and watered and have clean clothes does not mean you are loved and emotionally cared for. Neglect can be in different ways.

I felt just the same when my first baby was born. It’s the sheer indifference that hurt me the most. The lack of protection I had as a young girl meant I was always at risk - and pain the price by being sexually assaulted when I was eleven. They shrugged that away too. Having dc helped me see my parents were deeply dysfunctional, and a result parts of me were traumatised, neglected and damaged. It’s taken years to find my wholeness and find some acceptance. I have put things right for my dds and that is in itself a great achievement- we break the cycle. Celebrate your own family, get some help to process it - manage your expectations of then to zero and let it go.

I think you really need to consider thgs relatively. By the time I was around 10 l definitely felt that I was a 2nd class family member, ie just a kid. I certainly felt that I had to fit around my parents and at times I felt like a liability....but I think everyone did so it didn't affect my esteem and I still felt loved.
I then had my own children and of course, I had the perfect balance! I'm a grandmother now and I feel parents are 'soft' nowadays.

As for visiting, yes I do think you have a valid point there. I'd regularly invite them round (with option of different day). If they decline, bring up all the times gheyve turned you down. My mum irritates me when she won't do anything if she can't be home and in her PJs for teatime. She always wants people to visit say 11 to 4 which means you can't really do much more that day. She's retired and lives 35 mins away and drives. When she moans that she hasn't seen the grandchildren I suggest she drive over for 4pm, stay for tea then leave at 8pm but she doesn't want to 'drag out'....so I offer no sympathy when she complains. I dare say ill be the same too
I really don't think this is about your parents but more an era.

There's a whole section on this in the relationships forum.

It's definitely a thing.

I thought my parents were good because I was never in trouble and new right from wrong. One was also a teacher, so they must be great parents, right?

Not so, and it's glaringly obvious as first an adult and then a parent. At least I can learn from the indifference and mistakes that they made.

I think my main issue with them looking back, is that I was obviously terribly bullied and had a horrendous school life, and they didn't care. I can't imagine me or my partner ignoring or being oblivious to the same thing happening to our child,

It sure made me appreciate my parents more!
My sister, who has one child, looked after my two for an afternoon. When I returned she was knocked out. I said 'and now you know what our mum dealt with for years'. This gave her pause - she never really thought about that our mother was wonderfully patient with three wilful daughters.
I know my parents struggled financially at times (my father was in hospital for nine months shortly after I was born and had to retrain when he came out). But we never felt it. They showed us the world and encouraged us in so many ways. Yes they had faults for sure, but not in their parenting. And when I think how they were brought up (both born in the 1920s, neither in this country), and the world they lived in, it is truly amazing.

Yes, I'm now finally having proper therapy, a good 10 years after I should have started

There are an awful lot of smug new(ish) parents on this thread, complementing themselves on their superior parenting styles! Not to mention passing judgement on a different era with the benefit of newer and/or better and/or greater knowledge.

Every generation fucks up the next, to a greater or lesser extent, one way or another. Personally, I think it's pretty much a wash each time. Our children will undoubtedly criticize us, and our certainty that killing ourselves to provide the absolute best at all times for our precious children who we put at the center of our lives, is definitely the best possible parenting strategy ever.

Humans have been raising children since the beginning of humanity. It's never been perfect and never will be perfect. A little humility wouldn't go amiss.

For me it was the opposite - having children made me realise what excellent parents I have. I didn’t realise how much hard work is involved and both of them were self-sacrificing and did lots for my sister and I despite not having much money. Doesn’t mean they were perfect (no one is) but I appreciate all the effort they put in so much more now I’ve seen the other side of it. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong OP - I think it’s different for everyone and obviously depends on what your parents are like.

That is a crass post minimising abuse. Not cool.