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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh and ds - issues. Advice needed

55 replies

conniefused · 25/05/2023 21:46

Posting for advice as genuinely don't know I'm being unreasonable and biased here.

Dh and I have been married 4 years. I have a 12 year old ds from previous relationship and we have a toddler dd together. Dh has been in ds life since he was 5. On the whole he has been a good stepdad. Helped out with school runs, lifts when needed. Supported us financially. And loving in his own way.

I've noticed since ds has gotten older and more difficult (hormones and attitude) and also since our dd has come along that dh seems a bit more hostile towards him. Hostile maybe isn't the right word, he is never outwardly nasty to him but I can tell he's annoyed by him sometimes. He expects a lot from him in terms of chores whereas I am more patient and laid back I think.

Tonight there was a big row between me and dh as dh asked ds to do something which he did but not exactly in the way dh specified. Dh told me and I said he picks at ds too much and nothing he does is ever good enough. Dh then called ds lazy.

I feel naturally defensive of ds. I don't want him criticised. What dh is saying isn't entirely false. Ds can be sulky, lazy, reluctant to help out in the house. However he's also very loving, funny, clever and great company. I feel like dh doesn't see these qualities in him. He just seems to have such a downer on him. I've never felt like this before, I always thought we were a family regardless of genes. But I see a difference now in the way dh feels and acts towards ds.

I am worried that as the teenage years progress the two of them will come to blows and I will be caught in the middle. Make no mistake my son will always come first and I won't have him been made to feel like a second class citizen in his own hole. I also don't want my marriage to break down and we have another child to think of too.

Is there ever an easy way to navigate between a stepparent and stepchild? I don't expect dh to love ds like his own and never have. He has me and his dad for that, but I also don't want him to feel like an outsider.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 25/05/2023 21:50

He sounds like a normal teen to me, and he will resent being treated this way one day.

bluebeck · 25/05/2023 21:52

If your DH continues to behave like this, you may well have to decide between him and your son.

Original poster
conniefused · 25/05/2023 21:53

It's very difficult trying to be peacemaker because at times ds is being rude and unhelpful so that obviously needs pulling up. However I feel like I'm more inclined to let things go and pick my battles because he's my son and I love him. Dh just seems to expect perfection and zero backchat which isn't realistic. Doesn't help that dh was brought up in a fairly strict, old fashioned household and seems to think his upbringing is the only way.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 25/05/2023 21:55

Does your son see his dad at all, is there any chance he may decide to live with him if he’s not happy ?

MichelleScarn · 25/05/2023 21:55

Can you an example of what you let slide?

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 25/05/2023 21:56

What works for me is asking dh about his teen years.. How much washing up /cooking did he do? Was his bachelor pad hygienic? A sternly given fact that his expectations are too bloody high.. Never accept him bullying your ds...

Original poster
conniefused · 25/05/2023 21:58

The thing is ds is happy here. And if dh and I broke up he would be gutted. This is more of a me and dh issue because I can sense he is getting annoyed with ds and that doesn't sit well with me. The two of them do bicker at times but they don't hate each other or anything.

Things I let slide...well for example if I asked ds to bring me his plate and he left it on the side I would be like ok fine. Whereas dh would insist that he comes back and puts it in the dishwasher and when this is met with the inevitable grunting and complaining from ds he would pull him up on attitude so before you know it you've got a full drama over the positioning of a plate. That sort of thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
conniefused · 25/05/2023 22:10

I also wouldn't stand for anyone bullying dh, it's not like that. I sometimes think I'm just being biased because he's my son and we always defend our kids don't we. Dh has been around for over half of his life and ds does love him. I guess it's just a feeling I've got and it's bothering me.

OP posts:
AnonyMenOhPee · 25/05/2023 22:18

It’s not unreasonable to expect your DS to put his plate in the dishwasher and to do it without getting a cob on. Maybe you’re too lax in your expectations for your DS to contribute to family life.

OliveWah · 25/05/2023 22:20

In your shoes, I would have a conversation with DH along the lines of asking him to give DS the same benefit of the doubt he would give his own DD. I think you should explain to him that you're concerned that DS will start to feel 'other' in relation to DH's biological child and in his own home, and you would hate for that to come between you and DH. See if he is keen to work on things.

CheshireCats · 25/05/2023 22:25

I would expect my own teens to put their plate in the dishwasher, not on the side for someone else to have to put in the dishwasher.

Original poster
conniefused · 25/05/2023 22:31

Agree it's not a big ask. Is it worth creating a drama over though? I maybe am lax with ds.However I've taken offence to dh calling ds lazy and basically having a downer on him as a person for exhibiting very normal pre-teen behaviour.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 25/05/2023 22:32

Things I let slide...well for example if I asked ds to bring me his plate and he left it on the side I would be like ok fine. Whereas dh would insist that he comes back and puts it in the dishwasher and when this is met with the inevitable grunting and complaining from ds he would pull him up on attitude so before you know it you've got a full drama over the positioning of a plate. That sort of thing.

In the words of MN, you have a you problem. If you asked your son to do something then he should do it. You are raising a selfish, lazy, entitled and dismissive male.

Pixiedust1234 · 25/05/2023 22:32

raising your son to be lazy etc*

ringsaglitter · 25/05/2023 22:34

It's a constant thread on mumsnet, issues with mixing children and step parents - the answer is don't do it.

AnonyMenOhPee · 25/05/2023 22:37

conniefused · 25/05/2023 22:31

Agree it's not a big ask. Is it worth creating a drama over though? I maybe am lax with ds.However I've taken offence to dh calling ds lazy and basically having a downer on him as a person for exhibiting very normal pre-teen behaviour.

Well your DH isn’t wrong is he? Your DS does sound lazy and that needs to be sorted out. Should have backed your DH in that situation to stop it escalating into a big deal

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/05/2023 22:37

My 4 year old takes her plate through to the kitchen though can’t reach into the dishwasher. My young teen DSC do too so it’s not like hormones make these things impossible all of a sudden.

You need to be on the same page as much as possible, which probably requires compromise on both sides. Yes it’s just a plate but you see women on here who’ve been married for decades wanting to divorce men who don’t do stuff like this because it can feel indicative of wider issues - disrespect, treating a home like a hotel, not pitching in fairly, expecting others to do things for you you can’t be arsed to do for yourself never mind others you share space with.

You’re right, for as long as DH has known DS he doesn’t love him like his own or as much as you and his dad do. Even if he thought he did having his own will have shown him the difference. So you can’t expect the leeway you give your son from someone else. But he needs to be fair and not turn household chores into a blokey pissing contest. Decide, between you, what the big and small stuff is.

He might be harder on DS because he’s not his own and thinks he’ll have higher expectations of your shared child when they’re 12. You might be softer on him than your younger child because you’re defensive and think DS deserves a smoother ride because you and his far aren’t together.

Fluffycloudsblusky · 25/05/2023 22:39

Get your DH a book about teenage boys and parenting? There are quite a selection out there.
i found them helpful for me DC
Also have DH be around other groups of teen boys and ask him to really pay attention to what they are like eg he drives DS and some friends to the cinema/takes them for a meal of helps out a few times as a Club your DS is involved in.
When my DH started to do this his expectations of our DC became a lot more realistic in terms of organisation/social skills everything really.

MichelleScarn · 25/05/2023 22:41

Pixiedust1234 · 25/05/2023 22:32

Things I let slide...well for example if I asked ds to bring me his plate and he left it on the side I would be like ok fine. Whereas dh would insist that he comes back and puts it in the dishwasher and when this is met with the inevitable grunting and complaining from ds he would pull him up on attitude so before you know it you've got a full drama over the positioning of a plate. That sort of thing.

In the words of MN, you have a you problem. If you asked your son to do something then he should do it. You are raising a selfish, lazy, entitled and dismissive male.

That's just rude and ridiculous of your ds. Team dh here.

Quitelikeit · 25/05/2023 22:46

I think you need to talk to your dh. Tell him how you are feeling

but also point out that he is a teenager and they are lazy, grumpy, cheeky, not perfect but learning to be and that it’s not permanent

ask your dp to hold back from criticising your son until he has spoken to you about it first

remind him this is not the strict old days where you feared a ‘clip’ if you didn’t do as you were told

weirdthigh · 25/05/2023 22:48

I think your DH is right tbh
Please raise a son who cleans up after himself :) - help us out a bit!

AnonyMenOhPee · 25/05/2023 22:51

For something like that it’s not possible to say if he’s treating your DS differently than he would treat your shared DC. It’s totally ok to expect a child to do chores or to put their plate in the dishwasher without being asked. At his age my sisters and I were doing things like washing and drying up after meals, hoovering, dusting, and ironing. We probably had to be asked to do it but any whinging and complaining was met with short shrift.

He’s not exactly abusing the kid by having normal expectations to the amount DS should pitch in.

meditated · 25/05/2023 23:11

Many biological dads would be like that with their teenage sons. It doesn't make it right though.

The most important thing you can work on as a (step)parent is being a calm, respectful, empathetic authority - not name-calling or picking fights. He needs to work on his connection with your son. Children 'listen' better when they feel loved, accepted and respected.

meditated · 25/05/2023 23:13

And don't start doubting your parenting because of your dh or some of the comments on here.

You sound like a great mum!

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/05/2023 23:16

meditated · 25/05/2023 23:13

And don't start doubting your parenting because of your dh or some of the comments on here.

You sound like a great mum!

She’s asked for advice and got it, she’s acknowledged things she can work on and posters have agreed with her. No one’s being mean.