Dh and ds - issues. Advice needed

[conniefused]

Posting for advice as genuinely don't know I'm being unreasonable and biased here.

Dh and I have been married 4 years. I have a 12 year old ds from previous relationship and we have a toddler dd together. Dh has been in ds life since he was 5. On the whole he has been a good stepdad. Helped out with school runs, lifts when needed. Supported us financially. And loving in his own way.

I've noticed since ds has gotten older and more difficult (hormones and attitude) and also since our dd has come along that dh seems a bit more hostile towards him. Hostile maybe isn't the right word, he is never outwardly nasty to him but I can tell he's annoyed by him sometimes. He expects a lot from him in terms of chores whereas I am more patient and laid back I think.

Tonight there was a big row between me and dh as dh asked ds to do something which he did but not exactly in the way dh specified. Dh told me and I said he picks at ds too much and nothing he does is ever good enough. Dh then called ds lazy.

I feel naturally defensive of ds. I don't want him criticised. What dh is saying isn't entirely false. Ds can be sulky, lazy, reluctant to help out in the house. However he's also very loving, funny, clever and great company. I feel like dh doesn't see these qualities in him. He just seems to have such a downer on him. I've never felt like this before, I always thought we were a family regardless of genes. But I see a difference now in the way dh feels and acts towards ds.

I am worried that as the teenage years progress the two of them will come to blows and I will be caught in the middle. Make no mistake my son will always come first and I won't have him been made to feel like a second class citizen in his own hole. I also don't want my marriage to break down and we have another child to think of too.

Is there ever an easy way to navigate between a stepparent and stepchild? I don't expect dh to love ds like his own and never have. He has me and his dad for that, but I also don't want him to feel like an outsider.

I can completely understand how you feel. Teenagers are meant to be a bit grumpy and a bit lazy. But we teach them that this isn't ok and we teach them that plates go in the dishwasher and all that other stuff. But, it's a process. It doesn't happen over night.

I'd feel defensive of my D's, because your DH is an adult and I'd feel like he needs to be the adult. And teach D's with patience. Sure if you've asked him 20 nights on the trot to put his plate in the dishwasher, and he leaves it on the side patience will wear thin!

It sounds to me like your DH has forgotten about the teenage years and that perhaps his teen years aren't the bar. I'd have a good old chat with your DH about this. And say that you're probably always going to feel defensive of your kid and that he needs to understand that, while you understand that D's not doing what he's asked is always going to frustrate DH. So how do you, as the adults, get through this?

Put some responsibility onto your DH to manage this with you.

Yes, it is. If he is lazy, he can be called lazy.

You need to manage the behaviour, not just shrug it off and say its normal and ok.

It sounds like DH is adapting to having a teenager with more of his own opinions as opposed to a child. It sounds not dissimilar to the battles my DS has had with this dad, so not sure it is linked to him being a step parent.

Some of it is about different ways of communicating. Some of it is about DH thinking more about things from DS's perspective.

So, to give an example. If it's a house expectation that you put your plate in the dishwasher after dinner, then leaving it on the side is lazy.
If you'd like DS to hoover the lounge, it's probably unreasonable to expect him to drop what he's doing and hoover it now, but it would be more reasonable to ask if he can do it at some point before he goes out with his friends.

I think my upbringing was like your DH's - I was expected to do things when and if my parents wanted me to and to have no say in the matter. Maybe ask your DH how this made him feel? For me, it's made me resolve not to do it with my own children, so DH might like to pick out the bits that were positive (reasonable to expect child to do age appropriate chores) and not positive (child must do exactly what chores whenever we ask regardless of anything else they have one).

Well I guess you need to figure out if you are being oversensitive over your DH's frustrations over your DS, or whether he is genuinely being mean. Parents are allowed to be annoyed and frustrated over their children - I would imagine espeically teenage children - and you might just be feeling over protective. However, equally, your DH might be being too harsh, in which case that isn't fair on DS. It's impossible for us to say which way around it is.

Part of it is a You problem.

Don’t ask DS to “bring me your plate” because he will do just that, job done, walk away.

Ask him to “put your dinner things in the dishwasher.”

I found when I was specific we got much better outcomes from DC as teens. Don’t assume they’ll do the job as you would expect - “take the towels to the bathroom please,” resulted in the towels being stacked in the toilet seat rather than in the towel cupboard right next to it more than once 🙄

In general they don’t mean to be annoying, they just want to get on with their own stuff and don’t show any initiative. It improves in time.