Dh and ds - issues. Advice needed

[conniefused]

Posting for advice as genuinely don't know I'm being unreasonable and biased here.

Dh and I have been married 4 years. I have a 12 year old ds from previous relationship and we have a toddler dd together. Dh has been in ds life since he was 5. On the whole he has been a good stepdad. Helped out with school runs, lifts when needed. Supported us financially. And loving in his own way.

I've noticed since ds has gotten older and more difficult (hormones and attitude) and also since our dd has come along that dh seems a bit more hostile towards him. Hostile maybe isn't the right word, he is never outwardly nasty to him but I can tell he's annoyed by him sometimes. He expects a lot from him in terms of chores whereas I am more patient and laid back I think.

Tonight there was a big row between me and dh as dh asked ds to do something which he did but not exactly in the way dh specified. Dh told me and I said he picks at ds too much and nothing he does is ever good enough. Dh then called ds lazy.

I feel naturally defensive of ds. I don't want him criticised. What dh is saying isn't entirely false. Ds can be sulky, lazy, reluctant to help out in the house. However he's also very loving, funny, clever and great company. I feel like dh doesn't see these qualities in him. He just seems to have such a downer on him. I've never felt like this before, I always thought we were a family regardless of genes. But I see a difference now in the way dh feels and acts towards ds.

I am worried that as the teenage years progress the two of them will come to blows and I will be caught in the middle. Make no mistake my son will always come first and I won't have him been made to feel like a second class citizen in his own hole. I also don't want my marriage to break down and we have another child to think of too.

Is there ever an easy way to navigate between a stepparent and stepchild? I don't expect dh to love ds like his own and never have. He has me and his dad for that, but I also don't want him to feel like an outsider.

Thank you I appreciate the comments and there is a bit of a mixed view which reassures me that it's not a clear cut issue.

Re the plate. I do try to instil responsibly and respect in my ds. I also try to pick my battles. There is fault on both sides - ds could do more but dh could also communicate better and understand teenagers can be arseholes and not expect perfection at all times.

It is very hard being in the middle as my gut instinct is always to defend my ds. On the whole he is a lovely lad and I maybe do over compensate because he is the one from the broken home.

Doesn't help that dh was brought up in a fairly strict, old fashioned household and seems to think his upbringing is the only way.

Hmm. I can see where the problem lies.

I think with the example you have given I also would ask for the plate to be put away properly. I expect that from my 6 and 9 year old. So I don’t think your DHs expectations are wrong.

However having high expectations and boundaries with children works easier when you are someone who has a good relationship with them. Eg I hold boundaries with my children, occasionally give consequences but I also play with them, read to them and do a lot of positive activities with them. So I disciplining on the basis of a good solid relationship.
sounds like your DH doesn’t have that with your son. So I’m effect he is just stepping in to discipline in and sometimes letting it escalate…without the other side of the positive. I don’t think that’ll end well, especially as your son gets older.

Have you spoken to your DH about your concerns. Maybe you need a chat when you are both calm and in a good space. Possibly you radiating your expectations of your son a bit (eg you being the one to ask him to put his plate away properly) and your DH taking a step back and maybe doing some positive activities with your son (even if just having a look at his home work/asking about his mates)….I think little things like that go a long way.

*raising not radiating

OP

I think that the general issue is that stepparents bring to the fore in the world's view of the young people/teenagers, and parents aren't prepared for that.

E.g. you mentioned yourself that your DS can be lazy. But you don't want your DH to point that to you. (And I do mean to you, if it was to your DS himself it would be a different thing and I can see why that would not be acceptable.)

Why is that? It might be the objective truth. But you don't want that pointed out. Just like some parents don't like hearing any criticism of their children from school etc

Sounds like a bit of compromise is needed here. Your DH needs to try and be patient and understand that good habits like helping in the house are not built in a day. Your DS needs tighter expectations from you; it does sound like you are a bit slack.

Would you like to live with the sort of man that tends to leave his plate for someone else to sort out? Will you be happy going into his room once a week in a few years & bringing out a load of mouldy cups & plates, empty packaging etc? That's who you're bringing your DS up to be. Your future DIL won't thank you for this.

I am not sure expecting a teenager to put his plate in the dishwasher is strict or old fashioned. Ds tries to shirk this task but I now leave his plate so he finds his plate still there for the next meal. He is slowly getting better at clearing when he has just finished but I think it is a small effort for him to make but shows respect for everyone else. If you had said your dh was expecting him to hoover the house, whilst still in the realm of childhood chores it is more understandable that there would be conflict.

I would perhaps think for yourself is there anything that you would think that an adult man should be doing for himself in a household rather than relying on a partner to do it. So for example putting dish in dishwasher, picking pants up off the floor. That should be the line in the sand for you and dh is not unreasonable expecting ds to do that, unless he also does not pick up after himself.

This kind of thing is not confined to step child and step parent. Often two parents have different boundaries and different ways of parenting. My dh clashes terribly with my oldest dd (she's 15) imo they are actually quite alike but he lets nothing go and is constantly poking the bear iykwim which escalates things. I deal with things very differently and let things calm down before addressing it.

My advice would be to chat with dh about how you both want to parent your children what your boundaries are what behaviour is ok what's not ok and how you'll deal with misbehaviour. You both need to back each other up and be consistent that's the key. Maybe look into doing a parenting course together especially for the teenage years they can be very beneficial

I am a step parent. You are being wholly unrealistic if you expect your DH to never get frustrated by him and never criticise him (to you), and you will increase those feelings if you are defensive and won't hear a negative word said. It's very hard living with somebody else's kid and you need to be supportive of that if you want the relationship to work.

I suspect you'll find that if he's able to vent to you sometimes without you being defensive, he will be less irritated.

It doesn't sound like your DH is unreasonable to your son.

Does he call him lazy to his face? Because if it's only to you you can't complain as you've said the same thing here. And if he has said it straight to him well, maybe it's what he needs to hear, the truth.

FWIW I had a lot of rows with my stepdad growing up, lots of full blown rows but we are close as adults. I never got the sense it was because I wasnt his blood child.

Do you think it's because DS is not his blood child? If so, that's a red line.

If not then I think you need to seperate the step-parent/step-child thing in your head and accept that its just a difficult parent/child/different parenting opinions and that ultimately you cant override him based on bloodline. Because if you play that trump card then you will destroy your family dynamic. Which isnt to say you can't draw a line or disagree or even LTB if you want to. But unless you genuinely feel it's due to bloodline and he wouldnt treat his own blood child that way then it's quite likely he finds DS as annoying as any teenager and it's a standard fractious relationship at the moment.

DS sounds like a normal teen and DD will probably be the same at that age when hormones and attitude kick in
I don’t think the fact he’s his step son is relevant he’s treating him like many would

think both have different parenting styles you need to work on that with compromise from all sides

the plate thing isn’t unreasonable sounds like u undermined him which isn’t great

Similar issues in my house though my DP is a very chilled teasing type of person so he tends to wind my DS up by teasing him rather than having a go at him but the underlying issue is the same. He only really sees the rude, teenage, lazy aspects of DS (and those are plenty!!) but doesn't see the good qualities in the way I do.
may DP had a very self sufficient teenage hood and never had lifts or things bought for him and whilst that's character building it was also because his parents were unloving and neglectful and I occasionally have to remind him of that! And that good self esteem and mental health is more important than teaching lessons about independence sometimes...

Also DP has a tweenager and I remind him that she will be just as bad in 3/4 years...

I'm not sure if this is a step parent thing, do you think it is? Maybe if you think back to how their relationship has been over the years. Your DS is at a challenging age - many biological parents feel that too. It just sounds like you and your DH are on slightly different pages when it comes to what is expected, 'rules' etc.

To be honest we expect our 7 year old to do things like this. I get picking your battles but you sound very lax but your DH will find frustrating as he’s having to be the bad guy. Look how many women complain on here about men being unable to do simple household tasks like putting away their own mess. This starts as children/teens when Mummy enables unfortunately.

Too right. The post is about DH clearly treating DS differently since his own biological kid came along, and that's a big problem. Don't reduce this to pages and pages of responses about one dish example!

OP you need a very serious chat with your DH because you're correct, this can't go on throughout puberty. It'll be a really difficult household.

My DH is actually a total drama magnet in these situations and sounds like your DH - has a fair point to begin with, but doesn't know how to deal with it, without it becoming totally over dramatic and blown out of proportion. The difference is he's very reflective about it after the fact. We've actually agreed that with specific situations now, he has every right to raise the point, but to not 'deal' with it directly - I am the parent who always does that. I'm still strict, but I also have a far less dramatic parenting style and everyone's happier all round. We have a far more harmonious house. I've told my DH our kids are approaching puberty and it'll be WWIII if we carried on with the old strategy and he agrees.

It's not like any 12 year olds aren't at loggerheads with their own parent, is it? The majority of the threads that I've seen like that recently all seem to involve a 12/13 year old. I have a 13 year old of my own who can be surly, argumentative and doesn't want to do anything asked of her. I was the same with my stepdad at that age - I didn't feel I could get away with as much with my mum. Now I'm older I appreciate everything he did for me. At 13 I appreciated nothing and acted like...a 13 year old.

Yes this is another issue we have. Dh has built a matey/banter sort of relationship over the years with ds which is fine but now sometimes the banter and jokes edge into cheekiness and rudeness from ds and dh is the first to complain. Yet he created this dynamic and he can't really expect ds to suddenly understand that it's no longer acceptable. He can also tease ds to a point where ds gets angry. Dh thinks he's just joking but it's another source of rows.

I really do appreciate the viewpoints and can see I've been a bit lax in some ways.

Too right. The post is about DH clearly treating DS differently since his own biological kid came along, and that's a big problem. Don't reduce this to pages and pages of responses about one dish example

No it isn't, it's imperative to at least consider the possibility that he has got more frustrated because his behaviour has got more challenging and might have a point, rather than jumping to the conclusion that it's about his own child being born and totally unreasonable. If you can't do that you aren't cut out to get into a relationship with a kid in tow, you are too defensive and can't handle it.

Been through this in my own family. DH isn't the father of either of my DC and doesn't have any of his own so was new to parenting anyway. DC are now adult and have an excellent relationship with him. He's been in their lives since they were around 6/7.

However, when DC were early years of secondary school, I almost ended our relationship over his constant nit-picking of DS. Poor kid couldn't do right for doing wrong. Absolutely nothing DH was pointing out was unreasonable, it was the way it was done - almost like he was looking for transgressions to pick up on - and the fact that it wasn't being balanced with praise when praise was due. It created a rather toxic atmosphere.

What I did was this:
Calmly sat down and told DH how I felt, including that my principle that home be a sanctuary for everyone in it was so non-negotiable that I would end things if this continued.
Arranged relationship counselling to make the point I was serious.
Made him work through an example with me to better understand how DS felt being on the receiving end.
Deliberately handled something DH did in the same way he had handled something with DS.
Had a chat about parenting styles and positive/negative parenting.
Bought him 'how to talk so kids will listen'.

It was the relationship counselling which probably helped most -it took the heat out of all the discussion and helped us get to the bottom of things. Turned out to be mostly due to factors which had nothing to do with DS but everything to do with DH's own childhood coming out because of horrendous pressure at work.

I'm pleased to say that with a change in job role and a lot of hard work from DH, things improved massively.

Thank you @Resilience that's a really balanced and helpful reply that gives me some hope that this is fixable.

Yes this is another issue we have. Dh has built a matey/banter sort of relationship over the years with ds which is fine but now sometimes the banter and jokes edge into cheekiness and rudeness from ds and dh is the first to complain. Yet he created this dynamic and he can't really expect ds to suddenly understand that it's no longer acceptable. He can also tease ds to a point where ds gets angry. Dh thinks he's just joking but it's another source of rows It sounds a lot like your DS has changed - completely normal, as he's at the most difficult part of puberty and full of hormones- and your DP is still trying to have the same relationship that he had with him when he was younger. It's a difficult transition into the teenage years even for a parent, and we face the same changes/sudden hostility from our own kids. I think even with birth fathers and their sons, the relationship can be tricky at this age and take sone navigating, but the difference is that it's your biological child and the love is unconditional. It's going to be a difficult few years. You need to be able to talk without defensiveness and also not to undermine him in front of DS. You both need to be on the same page with things, and you need to be open to the fact that maybe you are being too lax and take his opinions on board, as does he with your opinions. Things aren't going to work as a blended family if you don't do this.

I think it's worth pointing out to some posters that it's much easier to get a sub-10yo to play house than a young teen!

Most young kids enjoy being responsible, copying their parents, being "adult" in some way.

It's a different ballgame when the kid has grown up and clocked that it's a chore.

OP - your DS can be reasonably expected to be BOTH funny, charming etc but also basically responsible for non-onerous tasks. Because he does need to learn part of the way you love someone is to not habitually treat them like a dogsbody. Not just cute smiles, hugs etc.

I think you just need to find a middle ground: you buck up a bit with keeping basic standards of respect, and your husband show more appreciation for the good side.