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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To miss my pre-baby life…

63 replies

Sfex · 25/05/2023 16:14

I don’t even really know where to start with this, I guess I just want to know that I’m not alone/unreasonable to really really miss my pre-baby life, and not really enjoy the whole mum thing.

DD is almost one and I absolutely love/adore her more than anything in the world. Just not the lifestyle that comes with her. For context she was a very much planned/wanted baby after years of trying and fertility struggles, so we definitely didn’t go into this lightly. I also am well aware how lucky and privileged we are, after many struggles ourselves, to have DD when so many others can’t.

I just really really miss everything about my old life, more so the older she gets. We’ve just come back off holiday and I think that made me feel it even more - it’s honestly one of the worst weeks I’ve ever had, it felt like anything but a holiday. Then looking at all the older kids in the pool etc it made me dread holidays even more the older she gets as it does not look fun.

I just miss how easy/stress free life was before. I miss having time to myself, I miss having a successful career and feeling good at my job (recently back off mat leave but obviously can’t devote the time/brainpower to it that I used to), I miss my life being my own, I miss nice holidays/travelling…I just find the whole motherhood/
family life mind numbingly boring.

I have a great support network, in-laws who have DD a lot, lots of great mum friends so it’s not even like I don’t have ‘the village’ around me. Being a mum is all I’ve ever wanted, for so long, and I hate that I feel like this about my life now. Please somebody tell me it gets easier/better as I can’t imagine the next however many years of my life being like this!

OP posts:

dreamersdown · 25/05/2023 16:20

I promise, promise, promise it gets better. DD is 3 and it’s already better. Plus the older they are, the easier it is to leave them with other people while you go on mini breaks etc. it will always be different because there’s always them at the back of your mind - but it gets easier.

iloveautumn3 · 25/05/2023 16:24

I have found it gets easier. I had a plan of how being a mum was going to be. It isn't at all how I thought it would be. I do enjoy it now but felt bewildered the first year. Tiredness plays a big part in not feeling great and overjoyed at everything.

AylesBuck · 25/05/2023 16:25

I would say it will only become easier if you accept that your life has changed. It’s like a grief process, your old life will not come back anytime soon.
Older children are more independent but bring different challenges. But as someone put it when mine were little, children are about 20 years of your life, I’m half way through and it goes very fast. In short, it’s all about acceptance.

Vegalam · 25/05/2023 16:31

YANBU to miss your pre baby lifestyle but I agree there has to be a level of acceptance of your 'new' life. Is there anyway you can work some time for yourself into your days? My DD is only 4 months but I always make sure to have a little bit of time in the day just for me (10mins of skincare usually lol)

thelinkisdead · 25/05/2023 17:01

I grieved my old life horribly. I missed everything about it but most of all my relationship when it was just my husband and me. Our two are 10 and 7 now and honestly life is fantastic. All the hard bits are well gone and they’re such interesting, funny, entertaining little humans.

I remember a holiday when my second was nearly 1 and my elder nearly 4 and it was hands down the worst two weeks of my life. We still talk about it now with shivers 😂 Holidays now are a joy: relaxing but the children force us to try new things.

You’ll get used to your new life. I hated the baby / toddler stage but I got used to it and stopped grieving the old me. Then they grew up a bit and suddenly I preferred my new life, and my career is back on track. Hold on; it gets better!!

Hopingforno2in2023 · 25/05/2023 17:10

It gets so much easier! DS is 7 and easy as pie and has been since around 3. I get loads of time to relax and do the stuff I enjoy.

Dulra · 25/05/2023 17:11

Our two are 10 and 7 now and honestly life is fantastic. All the hard bits are well gone and they’re such interesting, funny, entertaining little humans.
Hate to burst your bubble but it will get hard again...the teenage years 😝

As others have said it does get easier and you do begin to get yourself back bit by bit, especially as they get a little more independent and you start getting back more consistent sleep BUT life won't ever be the same as your pre-kids life how can it be? Your responsible now for a child you are no longer free to do as you please and acceptance is key. My kids are 16, 13 and 11 and although me and dh have a lot more time with just the two of us and our kids are no longer under our feet they are definitely busy in our heads stressing us out, you will always be mum no matter how big they get 🙂

Letsdance8188 · 25/05/2023 17:23

I have a 5 year old and still really miss my pre-mum life. Majority of my friends have chosen not to have children so it always feels like their childfree lifestyle is smacking me in the face when I have to turn down yet another social invite. I totally know how you feel.

I agree with others though, it has got easier. We've decided to stop at one child and I find we get on really well and hang out together lots. DH and I even managed to enjoy some wine and a huge seafood platter with DS at a nice restaurant the other day. It was heaven. We also get to relax loads. Right now he's been playing beautifully with his toys for 2 hours straight.

You will also get back into the swing of things at work. I've worked full time and been promoted three times since DS was born. I just had to be patient with myself for that first bit when he was still really little. You can do it. Unfortunately the first few years are quite a slog...

cottoncandy78 · 25/05/2023 17:35

I not gonna sugar coat it baby year no sleep the toddler years are hard up at 5-6 am wanting to play the tantrums etc when you just want to have a tea and wake up.
But the teen years are worse don`t get me started.
Holidays where not holidays untill they was teens then i could relax abit in the sun .
it got better for me when they left home and now have lifes of there own
i love them dearly and very proud of them but
all the money in the would not get me to do it again .

thelinkisdead · 25/05/2023 20:13

Dulra · 25/05/2023 17:11

There’s absolutely no way teenagers are anywhere near as bone-achingly hard work as babies and toddlers. All ages have their own difficulties, but the further away you get from those early years, the more equipped you are to cope with the problems each age throws at you IMO. You also develop a new identity in a way, and gain back more and more of your old self, whereas at first it feels like you’ve lost everything you once knew.

FWIW I find comments like that really unhelpful to new mums because you’re basically saying ‘buckle up; it’s hard until they leave home’ which just isn’t true

Toloveandtowork · 25/05/2023 20:23

I still miss my freedom and think I always will. My youngest is 11. I still feel very sad about it but accepting it now.

philautia · 25/05/2023 20:27

I could have written this 7 years ago. I spent my whole pregnancy terrified something would happen to the baby, planning maternity leave and all of the things we would do if I could just get to the end and give birth. My life was going to be perfect.

Well, it wasn't. I felt like I had died. Ignoring the fact that she wouldn't be put down EVER, she didn't sleep more than 30 mins at a time, the loneliness, the worry - the worst of it all was the absolutely boredom and mourning for my old life. I swore I would never ever do this again.

You are grieving your old life, that is so, so normal. There is a saying that when the baby is born, your old self dies and the mother is born.

Guess what? By about 18 months, I found things so much easier. Then again at about 3 years, a huge difference. Now she is 7 and we are hopefully going to meet our second this week.

Napoleandynamite · 25/05/2023 20:28

Me too. I’ve just gone back to work - dd is almost 8 months - and I have literally cried every day. Not from working, but having to come home after work lol. It’s bloody hard. It’s ok to feel sad sometimes. Look after yourself xx

Sillybanana · 25/05/2023 20:29

Sorry but for some mums it is true. Some teenagers are much more challenging than others.

Sillybanana · 25/05/2023 20:29

That was to @thelinkisdead

Adviceneeded234 · 25/05/2023 20:33

I feel like you have written down my thoughts.

I suppose I am grieving too, I didn’t even think that is what I was going through.

I love my dc dearly, especially after losing our son but I miss my old life. I miss me.

it has to get better, right?

itsmylife7 · 25/05/2023 20:34

People will lie and say of course it gets easier but it's a different type of "easier " as in no nappies to change,sleeping through the night ect.

Unfortunately, your life will never be how it was previously.

I often wonder why women crave being a Mother and then have " regret " at their lost live.

It's like a friend I had who wanted a baby so much, but didn't realise she'd have to teach her child "everthing" cleaning teeth, wiping bum,getting dressed, reading books etc. She honestly hadn't given any thought to this.

I've put my hard hat on for the onslaught

Sillybanana · 25/05/2023 20:38

I think they do give it thought but the reality is so much more consuming than we can ever imagine. I don’t see the point in complaining though as there is literally nothing you can do but carry on and try and make the best of it/think of the good times/positives

PrincessHoneysuckle · 25/05/2023 20:39

I shudder at the early years and felt exactly the same as you then around school age I felt so much better.Ds is 9 now and it's easy.

Mooshroo · 25/05/2023 20:42

Mine was a few months off being one last year when we went away. Hahahha. This year, I’m having a week off and still sending him to nursery. Genuinely.

user7637292 · 25/05/2023 20:42

itsmylife7 · 25/05/2023 20:34

People will lie and say of course it gets easier but it's a different type of "easier " as in no nappies to change,sleeping through the night ect.

Unfortunately, your life will never be how it was previously.

I often wonder why women crave being a Mother and then have " regret " at their lost live.

I've put my hard hat on for the onslaught

Speak for yourself.

Now that my children are primary age my life is pretty cool- great career, go out two nights a week, drunk/party, get my hair and nails done, go to the gym, go to the cinema etc.

GoalShooter · 25/05/2023 20:44

I remember our first holiday after having a baby, DC1 was about 9 months and I was really looking forward to it as a chance to relax. I hadn't fully realised that holidays are just as hard as being at home when you have a little one!

It does get easier OP. The first three years were the hardest by miles for me - yes, including the teen years (mine are currently 13, 15 and 17).

CandyLeBonBon · 25/05/2023 20:45

My eldest is 21 and youngest 14 and I STILL miss my pre baby life op. I wouldn't trade them though - it's like a pp said. Life changes and acceptance is key. The good times do come back ❤️

Dulra · 25/05/2023 20:46

thelinkisdead
I was being lightheartedbin my comment but for some the teenage years are extremely challenging it depends on your circumstances and your child but that can be said for all stages each child is an individual. I think the op was talking in general about her life before kids though and no matter how easier your kids get you've to accept that that period of your life is gone you'll always be a mum and always experience all the emotions that go with that fun, love, pride, fear, anxiety, frustration and so on

SheilaWilcox · 25/05/2023 20:46

Part of the problem is that it blindsides you. You have no idea what being a parent is really like until you do it, no matter how much you think you have researched and are ready , and then you’re stuck. It’s not like you can put it back!
No one IRL really talks about the grief of your old life, so when you get those thoughts, you beat yourself up, feel guilty and think it’s a judgement on you as a mother. It’s not.

i still struggle with it sometimes. My DD is nearly 13 and an ungrateful little madam at times. She had no idea how much of my life I sacrificed for her.

I don’t know what the answer is. As others have said, acceptance helps, as does making the best of it, but you are not alone.

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