To miss my pre-baby life…

[Sfex]

I don’t even really know where to start with this, I guess I just want to know that I’m not alone/unreasonable to really really miss my pre-baby life, and not really enjoy the whole mum thing.

DD is almost one and I absolutely love/adore her more than anything in the world. Just not the lifestyle that comes with her. For context she was a very much planned/wanted baby after years of trying and fertility struggles, so we definitely didn’t go into this lightly. I also am well aware how lucky and privileged we are, after many struggles ourselves, to have DD when so many others can’t.

I just really really miss everything about my old life, more so the older she gets. We’ve just come back off holiday and I think that made me feel it even more - it’s honestly one of the worst weeks I’ve ever had, it felt like anything but a holiday. Then looking at all the older kids in the pool etc it made me dread holidays even more the older she gets as it does not look fun.

I just miss how easy/stress free life was before. I miss having time to myself, I miss having a successful career and feeling good at my job (recently back off mat leave but obviously can’t devote the time/brainpower to it that I used to), I miss my life being my own, I miss nice holidays/travelling…I just find the whole motherhood/
family life mind numbingly boring.

I have a great support network, in-laws who have DD a lot, lots of great mum friends so it’s not even like I don’t have ‘the village’ around me. Being a mum is all I’ve ever wanted, for so long, and I hate that I feel like this about my life now. Please somebody tell me it gets easier/better as I can’t imagine the next however many years of my life being like this!

I find two 100% easier than one. Might help that mine are both boys and have a lot of similar interests and only three years apart, but they entertain each other most of the time. I’m rarely needed when we’re at home because they have (and prefer) each other’s company.

Well, nobody asked to be born, not us, our mothers or their mothers.
We evolved as a species with around 15 people to hand to care for each child. Now we do it in isolation which is probably why a lot of us feel short changed.
I also think it's better to let kids know how hard being a parent is when they are older teens. But with the internet, they might figure it out by themselves.

@itsmylife7 of course I'd go out on a whim with a friend! Those are the best nights.

The kids have a father who is more than capable of watching them for a few hours...

Could your husband or partner not just watch the kids so you go out? This is what we do whenever one of us gets an invite from friends.

Kids are hard but I can't say my social life has really suffered - going out partying is still there if I want to, I just don't want to as much (still do on occasion)

For the OP... if you genuinely feel like this I would advise just having one.

I grew up in a family of three and my husband is a single child, who I knew as a teen. Seeing his home, his parents honestly had so much time alone while he was growing up. And my friends with just one child are the same - once the child turns five they have soooo much time, but it's nice because they've also experienced parenthood, so you kind of get both - an easy life, time to focus on your career/you, and also parenthood.

Personally, I've really enjoyed having a baby last year and I already want more (my DH wants four 😳) but when I feel as you do, that it's too much and impacting my life negatively, I will definitely stop having kids - and whether you stop at 1, 2 ... 12 there's nothing wrong with that.

Of course, for some of us, this is a bonus to parenthood.

Can't wait to use it shamelessly to get out of every last thing I don't want to do. New Years can fuck off for the next seven years minimum for a start.

Are you sure you aren’t looking back with rose tinted glasses?

Life without a child, when you wish you had a child, is not so great. That free time looks good to you now, but back then it was quiet and miserable.

oh op I totllly feel you. I used to feel like this all the time. Some days I still do but far less so now she’s 15 months. Now she’s charging around, showing different interests and bits of her funny little personality really coming out, I find mum life so fun. There’s so much I miss about pre baby life still and would give almost anything to have a weekend on the sofa playing video games with my husband, but it’s easier now and the older she gets the easier it gets.

I still miss pre children holiday to an extent - ie each year would be a big holiday - two weeks touring Vietnam ,diving in Thailand etc. they are not holidays for small children.

My children are 2 and 5 now and this summer I am really looking forward to our camping holiday in Italy. Lots for them to do equals a good holiday for us.

So for now while they are little - we are doing holidays that suit them. When they are Oder we can start being more adventurous again!

I used to miss those pre-child holidays of adventure but now things are changing I am older (late 40s) and my kids are teens they want more adventure and I want a quiet life 😂couldn't cope with the holidays I did pre-children. We are also camping in Italy this summer where my kids will no doubt spend their days doing water sports and bike trips while I will quite happily lie by the pool/ beach reading my book and sipping an aperol spritz 😁

I have this, but my situation is slightly different as I have disabled child who is 6 non verbal,but very much like a baby still, so not only do I miss my old life without children I miss the idea of motherhood with a verbal child who is developing typically . I don't know how to stop the feelings people say it gets better over time but I honestly belive that's said to u as people don't know what to say. But that's different to ur situation so I'm sure it does for u.

I went through this badly. DD wasn't planned and it felt like a real mourning period for my old life. I missed it for about 5 years (not all the time, and it probably was worse than if she'd been actively planned)

She's 12 now and I can honestly say I haven't felt like it for years now. You do adjust.

OP it's perfectly normal to be grieving for the life that you had, because it had lots of 'great' things which you enjoyed.

The issue is that you are now only seeing the 'great' things about it, you've forgotten about the stress and longing to become a parent. You've no doubt 'forgotten' lots of other negatives about you previous life too, because you're only missing the positives and not the negatives.

You clearly adore your DC, and you will settle into a new 'normal life' being a Mother, which, like every life, will have positive and negative aspects.

It will just take time. Most parents have a 'favourite' age/stage of their childs development. For some it's the infant stage, for others the primary school years etc, and much depends upon who your DC grows to be ? They may be a 'mini me' of either parent ? Or they could be a totally different personality to either of you. It doesn't matter, the fun and excitement of their evolution from infant to adult and beyond will inspire immense pride, love, joy, laughter etc as well as some anger, frustration and fear for them at times. You will be your childs biggest cheerleader, their fiercest protector and their biggest love, and your love for them just keeps growing, with every year.

It truly is a rollercoaster, but I can promise you, it's so worth it !