Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss my pre-baby life…

63 replies

Sfex · 25/05/2023 16:14

I don’t even really know where to start with this, I guess I just want to know that I’m not alone/unreasonable to really really miss my pre-baby life, and not really enjoy the whole mum thing.

DD is almost one and I absolutely love/adore her more than anything in the world. Just not the lifestyle that comes with her. For context she was a very much planned/wanted baby after years of trying and fertility struggles, so we definitely didn’t go into this lightly. I also am well aware how lucky and privileged we are, after many struggles ourselves, to have DD when so many others can’t.

I just really really miss everything about my old life, more so the older she gets. We’ve just come back off holiday and I think that made me feel it even more - it’s honestly one of the worst weeks I’ve ever had, it felt like anything but a holiday. Then looking at all the older kids in the pool etc it made me dread holidays even more the older she gets as it does not look fun.

I just miss how easy/stress free life was before. I miss having time to myself, I miss having a successful career and feeling good at my job (recently back off mat leave but obviously can’t devote the time/brainpower to it that I used to), I miss my life being my own, I miss nice holidays/travelling…I just find the whole motherhood/
family life mind numbingly boring.

I have a great support network, in-laws who have DD a lot, lots of great mum friends so it’s not even like I don’t have ‘the village’ around me. Being a mum is all I’ve ever wanted, for so long, and I hate that I feel like this about my life now. Please somebody tell me it gets easier/better as I can’t imagine the next however many years of my life being like this!

OP posts:
MathsNervous · 25/05/2023 20:49

It is fine when they are around 8/9, then as they head into teenage years it gets bloody stressful again. They go to bed late.

thelinkisdead · 25/05/2023 20:50

user7637292 · 25/05/2023 20:42

Speak for yourself.

Now that my children are primary age my life is pretty cool- great career, go out two nights a week, drunk/party, get my hair and nails done, go to the gym, go to the cinema etc.

Show quote history

I’m with you here. I love my life with my two way more than my life before. My career is great, my husband is doing really well at work. We have a great life and I wouldn’t change a thing. Mine even love going to the pub for a drink or to a restaurant for dinner. That may not be everyone’s reality but it’s mine; my life is much richer and more enjoyable for my two children. And I’m someone who detested every minute of the baby years.

That being said, I stopped at two. I had no desire to drag that part of my life out out any longer than necessary.

Feelinadequate23 · 25/05/2023 20:55

OP I could have written your post apart from the fertility struggle (I have a 12 month old). Solidarity. I miss it so so much. I’m a slightly older mum so I thought I’d find it easier as I’d “done my partying/travelling” but I think in reality it’s made it harder as I had SUCH a good life before as we had money and good careers. Now travelling/fancy dinners/ gigs/ theatre - all gone for the foreseeable, and my career has tanked too. I’m just clinging on to the fact things are already much better now than they were at 6 months so hopefully by 18 months things will have improved again.

itsmylife7 · 25/05/2023 20:55

user7637292 · 25/05/2023 20:42

Speak for yourself.

Now that my children are primary age my life is pretty cool- great career, go out two nights a week, drunk/party, get my hair and nails done, go to the gym, go to the cinema etc.

Show quote history

No need to get defensive.

Of course your life has changed if a friend invited you out right now,unless your kids are old enough to look after themselves, you couldn't just GO.
You'd have to decline or attempt to get a sitter.

So therefore you life dramatically changes as a Mum.

Quinoawoman · 25/05/2023 20:56

It's perfectly normal to love your kids and find motherhood really hard going.

I think it does get better though, but others are right - you do have to reach a point of acceptance. I don't think I reached that point until my second child arrived, 4 years after my first. I still have moments where I struggle to accept the loss / stagnation of my career.

elizzza · 25/05/2023 21:03

itsmylife7 · 25/05/2023 20:55

No need to get defensive.

Of course your life has changed if a friend invited you out right now,unless your kids are old enough to look after themselves, you couldn't just GO.
You'd have to decline or attempt to get a sitter.

So therefore you life dramatically changes as a Mum.

Show quote history

If a friend invited me out right now I could just GO and their dad would be here with them.

itsmylife7 · 25/05/2023 21:05

elizzza · 25/05/2023 21:03

If a friend invited me out right now I could just GO and their dad would be here with them.

Show quote history

And what if their Dad wasn't there ?

Commentsonpics · 25/05/2023 21:08

SheilaWilcox · 25/05/2023 20:46

Part of the problem is that it blindsides you. You have no idea what being a parent is really like until you do it, no matter how much you think you have researched and are ready , and then you’re stuck. It’s not like you can put it back!
No one IRL really talks about the grief of your old life, so when you get those thoughts, you beat yourself up, feel guilty and think it’s a judgement on you as a mother. It’s not.

i still struggle with it sometimes. My DD is nearly 13 and an ungrateful little madam at times. She had no idea how much of my life I sacrificed for her.

I don’t know what the answer is. As others have said, acceptance helps, as does making the best of it, but you are not alone.

I don’t think children should ever know how much we sacrifice for them. My mum certainly let me know and now I’m a mother i wouldn’t do the same.

My child didn’t ask to be born, I chose to have them so they don’t owe me for it!

But agree with the OP - I think I’m still in the denial phase!

elizzza · 25/05/2023 21:08

itsmylife7 · 25/05/2023 21:05

And what if their Dad wasn't there ?

Show quote history

Just think it’s weird of you to assume everyone would have to get a sitter in order to go out. Loads of parents have a partner.

Lolaandbehold · 25/05/2023 21:11

OP, the easiest way you can get a semblance of your old life back is to only have one.
Honestly wait til she is 4/5 and she will be so easy so you can leave her with your husband as you go out with friends, holidays etc.

I found the time until they hit the 3rd birthday very hard. But now you get great chat and they’re lots of fun. As she gets older you might not yearn for the life you had before because life is no longer the chore it was with a toddler. But either way it gets better.

SheilaWilcox · 25/05/2023 21:12

Commentsonpics · 25/05/2023 21:08

I don’t think children should ever know how much we sacrifice for them. My mum certainly let me know and now I’m a mother i wouldn’t do the same.

My child didn’t ask to be born, I chose to have them so they don’t owe me for it!

But agree with the OP - I think I’m still in the denial phase!

Show quote history

Absolutely agree.
I would never let on.
My mother also not the best in the world!

AgathaAllAlong · 25/05/2023 21:13

OP, this sounds made up but I promise you it's true. On my son's first birthday, I got into the shower and sobbed uncontrollably. I loved him so much, more than anything, but I just could not believe that this was my life. I felt like a shell of a person. I missed my life, my job and my friends. His second birthday is, I think, the happiest day I've experienced in my life so far. I couldn't believe that I had been so upset just one year previously. Suddenly I had this wonderful little child who could talk to me and play with me, who would sleep through the night. I was back doing well at work, I was back to spending time with my friends, I'd gotten into the swing of things.

Of course it's not entirely straightforward. I did find two and a half challenging, and then it got better. Potty training sucked, and then it was done. And so on, ups and downs. But I have found that it does steadily get better, and least for me, I suddenly hit a point where it was not only bearable, it was way better than my previous life had been. Now I still have all of those things, but I have DS too.

ManchesterGirl2 · 25/05/2023 21:13

Commentsonpics · 25/05/2023 21:08

I don’t think children should ever know how much we sacrifice for them. My mum certainly let me know and now I’m a mother i wouldn’t do the same.

My child didn’t ask to be born, I chose to have them so they don’t owe me for it!

But agree with the OP - I think I’m still in the denial phase!

Show quote history

Totally agree with this. My mum held it against me and I consider it part of her emotional abuse. I never asked for her to do it, I had no choice in the matter, then got called ungrateful, selfish, horrible. It makes it hard for me to ask for things from others as an adult, or feel I deserve anything nice.

If you have children then regret the decision, that's on you, don't expect them to somehow make it up to you.

Toloveandtowork · 25/05/2023 21:13

You can work all you want, go out all you want, but bottom line is you are somebody's mother and it can be a crushing responsibility because you are no longer free.
I struggle with it so much and it doesn't feel right or just. I feel its human nature to want to be free.

CandyLeBonBon · 25/05/2023 21:16

Toloveandtowork · 25/05/2023 21:13

You can work all you want, go out all you want, but bottom line is you are somebody's mother and it can be a crushing responsibility because you are no longer free.
I struggle with it so much and it doesn't feel right or just. I feel its human nature to want to be free.

^^this.

I love the very bones of my three but of course there are times when the weight of it all feels too much and I wish I had my ex husband's carefree, virtually child free life - it's only human to feel that from time to time. But I grew three amazing humans. And they're brilliant. As yours will be.

It is ok to grieve your loss

Thislife1 · 25/05/2023 21:27

It gets easier when they can do things for themselves. At 1 you need to do almost everything for them or with them, and it takes up every spare moment of time and headspace. As they get older and can do more things for themselves, you start to claw back some of that time for yourself.

I do still find family life a bit dull. Sometimes I don’t want to rush home from work and organise dinner and do bedtime. I just want to grab some food on my way home from work, maybe see mates, maybe have a few drinks. You can still do all that but you need to make an arrangement with your partner or organise a babysitter. Everything takes a lot more planning.

Emfrancesca · 25/05/2023 21:28

I am in the depths of this myself at the moment. I have a 7 week old and I love her so much but I do miss life before when it was just me and my boyfriend. We could go out for meals whenever we wanted, go away for the weekend, watch a movie on the weekend in peace.
I have good days and bad days, some days where I don't miss it and I think it will all be okay but today has not been one of those days. My little girl had a bad night last night and has been irritable most of the day and I've lost all my patience and had enough.

SheilaWilcox · 25/05/2023 21:54

I came across wrong.

I absolutely never want my DD to know about any regrets I sometimes have.

SOMETIMES she’s a madam, but even then, I admire her strength, passion and tenacity.

She is my world and that is hard sometimes, but I would still give my life for her happiness.

Usernamen · 25/05/2023 21:56

It seems like things are easier with just one child, or is it only like 5% easier than two or three? (because it’s still the same number of play dates, nursery drop off’s etc.)

ManchesterGirl2 · 25/05/2023 21:57

SheilaWilcox · 25/05/2023 21:54

I came across wrong.

I absolutely never want my DD to know about any regrets I sometimes have.

SOMETIMES she’s a madam, but even then, I admire her strength, passion and tenacity.

She is my world and that is hard sometimes, but I would still give my life for her happiness.

Fair enough, I was assuming the situation based on the lens of my own experience, which may be completely different to what you meant. 💐

SheilaWilcox · 25/05/2023 22:05

ManchesterGirl2 · 25/05/2023 21:57

Fair enough, I was assuming the situation based on the lens of my own experience, which may be completely different to what you meant. 💐

Show quote history

Thank you.
My own mum spent a lot of my teenage years being a cow to me, so I’ve done a lot of reading and work on myself to make sure I don’t pass on trauma.
Flowers to you too. We can survive and thrive DESPITE any crap parenting we endured.

ClemFandango1 · 25/05/2023 22:06

  1. there is no holiday with young kids, alas.

  2. who wouldn't miss not being on call 24/7 forbloodyever?

You feel how you feel. It's ok.

AnneElliott · 25/05/2023 22:08

It gets easier op. And I think it's harder if you've had fertility issues as you've tried so hard to be a mum that I can imagine it's difficult when you feel that motherhood isn't all that great.

But once they sleep it gets so much better and then every could of months they do more and get more engaging.

Maebh9 · 25/05/2023 22:09

SheilaWilcox · 25/05/2023 20:46

Part of the problem is that it blindsides you. You have no idea what being a parent is really like until you do it, no matter how much you think you have researched and are ready , and then you’re stuck. It’s not like you can put it back!
No one IRL really talks about the grief of your old life, so when you get those thoughts, you beat yourself up, feel guilty and think it’s a judgement on you as a mother. It’s not.

i still struggle with it sometimes. My DD is nearly 13 and an ungrateful little madam at times. She had no idea how much of my life I sacrificed for her.

I don’t know what the answer is. As others have said, acceptance helps, as does making the best of it, but you are not alone.

It is pretty common knowledge what it's like. Having kids is the definition of hope triumphing over experience.

That said, op, if you wanted to be a mum that spark will ultimately get you through I think. So many people seem to regret #1 then hasten to #2

Maebh9 · 25/05/2023 22:10

As for gratitude... Why should a kid be grateful their mum forced them to exist??? It's a lot more hassle than not existing.

Swipe left for the next trending thread