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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you'd get in touch with spouse if relative if marriage ending?

73 replies

WWYD123a · 25/05/2023 14:30

I'm not talking a short marriage or one where the spouse didn't get on with the in laws. Think a 10 year marriage and didn't visit that often but saw each other every few months with DC in tow.

Would you expect in laws to get in touch? Or cut you off with immediate effect if a divorce was on the cards?

YABU - cut off with immediate effect
YANBU - really crappy not to get in touch

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 25/05/2023 14:31

YANBU

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 25/05/2023 14:31

Depends on the reasons for the split, I suppose.

pimplebum · 25/05/2023 14:32

If kids involved then keeping contact
Depends on what's been happening and previous communication

Original poster
WWYD123a · 25/05/2023 14:32

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 25/05/2023 14:31

Depends on the reasons for the split, I suppose.

Their son having an affair. The DIL not wanting to continue the marriage and now being a single parent...

OP posts:
TheGoogleMum · 25/05/2023 14:33

My parents friends daughter got divorced - they got on really well with son in law and kept well in touch and meeting up and friendly. Daughter felt uncomfortable and had to ask them not to and they had to awkwardly distance themselves. I can see that it's hurtful to cut off the relationship immediately but it might be what their child wants them to do?

pimplebum · 25/05/2023 14:33

Do they know true reason ? Why not get in touch yourself ?

Original poster
WWYD123a · 25/05/2023 14:35

pimplebum · 25/05/2023 14:33

Do they know true reason ? Why not get in touch yourself ?

Genuinely have no idea what to say. I'm gobsmacked at the silence. It's been weeks.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 25/05/2023 14:37

They may have been asked not to make contact. Or, given the circumstances, be hugely embarrassed.

UniversalTruth · 25/05/2023 14:37

Surely communication is two way though - why not send a message saying DIL (you?) wants to stay in touch and for them to see their grandchildren.

OttoGraph · 25/05/2023 14:39

id expect to just see the ex in laws on joint celebrations, weddings, big birthday parties etc

I wouldn't be expecting to stay in touch otherwise

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/05/2023 14:39

OK I'm confused by the third person references.

Are you saying that you've dumped your DH for cheating and his parents haven't contacted you?

If so, welcome to the world of divorce! My black sheep BIL was the only one who was nice. Everyone else closed ranks (Golden Boy DH was fine). These were the "call me Mum" type of ILs. I knew that wouldn't last!

Original poster
WWYD123a · 25/05/2023 14:40

OttoGraph · 25/05/2023 14:39

id expect to just see the ex in laws on joint celebrations, weddings, big birthday parties etc

I wouldn't be expecting to stay in touch otherwise

Would you not expect a 'I'm sorry it didn't work out let us know if you need anything' text? Just to instantly be cut off?

OP posts:
BibbleandSqwauk · 25/05/2023 14:41

I was the DIL in that scenario. it took a lot of hard work and tongue biting from me as ex inevitably fed them all sorts of crap from the Script about how awful I was to justify his affair but we are on good terms, arguably better terms than he is with them, and he absolutely hates it. He can no longer feed them bullshit stories about my deficient parenting because they see me more than him, with the kids. They'd barely ever see them if I didn't visit. Alongside that, I actually get on very well with them and have shared interests etc. A long marriage, with the relative at fault especially, the in laws should keep.in touch if the spouse wants them too. I don't believe blood is thicker than water at all costs.

JeandeServiette · 25/05/2023 14:41

Sometimes the bystanders to a divorce feel awkward or bewildered and don't quite know what to do or say. It isn't necessarily a case of the portcullis slamming down.

Original poster
WWYD123a · 25/05/2023 14:41

When my sibling got divorced we didn't cut their spouse off straight away, and they had no DC. In my mind it's just the human thing to do, to get in touch.

OP posts:
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 25/05/2023 14:42

I bet they don’t know the real reason.

If I were wi would ring them, find out if they know. If they do, casually ask how come they hadn’t been in touch.

You owe them nothing

DustyLee123 · 25/05/2023 14:43

YABU

Original poster
WWYD123a · 25/05/2023 14:44

BibbleandSqwauk · 25/05/2023 14:41

I was the DIL in that scenario. it took a lot of hard work and tongue biting from me as ex inevitably fed them all sorts of crap from the Script about how awful I was to justify his affair but we are on good terms, arguably better terms than he is with them, and he absolutely hates it. He can no longer feed them bullshit stories about my deficient parenting because they see me more than him, with the kids. They'd barely ever see them if I didn't visit. Alongside that, I actually get on very well with them and have shared interests etc. A long marriage, with the relative at fault especially, the in laws should keep.in touch if the spouse wants them too. I don't believe blood is thicker than water at all costs.

Thanks for sharing. Sorry to hear you were married to an arsehole too.

You raise a point which is on my mind, in laws will never see DC if they don't maintain a relationship with me. But I'm not sure how much they really care, especially as they've not been in touch to even ask after DC.

OP posts:
ShivWambsgans · 25/05/2023 14:45

WWYD123a · 25/05/2023 14:41

When my sibling got divorced we didn't cut their spouse off straight away, and they had no DC. In my mind it's just the human thing to do, to get in touch.

So you’ve tried to contact them and they haven’t responded?

Original poster
WWYD123a · 25/05/2023 14:45

DustyLee123 · 25/05/2023 14:43

YABU

Care to share why?

OP posts:
BibbleandSqwauk · 25/05/2023 14:45

How do your DC feel about them? Will they mind / notice if they don't see them? Why would he not take them to see them on his time? ( I'm assuming he'll have contact?)

IfOnlyIdHadMNThen · 25/05/2023 14:48

It hurts but I think it's common. They might be feeling bad for you but unsure what to say, and ultimately their connection is with their son so they just maintain that relationship and hope you're ok.

I remember feeling stung when I heard via a friend of exh that his family thought I was overreacting about his cheating with my friend (?!) They were nice people but I never heard from them again after a few calls from his mum to try and persuade me to stay with him. I would have appreciated a 'sorry about how it all turned out, we wish you all the best' sort of call.

It sucks but its not what really matters so try not to waste too much of your emotional energy on it.

ThirstyThursday · 25/05/2023 14:49

WWYD123a · 25/05/2023 14:41

When my sibling got divorced we didn't cut their spouse off straight away, and they had no DC. In my mind it's just the human thing to do, to get in touch.

How do you know he hadn't asked them
not to contact you?

How often did you have text type contact with them before?

maybe they haven't 'cut you off' so much as just not been in touch?

Original poster
WWYD123a · 25/05/2023 14:53

@ThirstyThursday my sibling asked us not to contact their spouse, but we did it anyway and explained why (basic human decency, we all got on really well). Doesn't mean we've stayed in touch long term.

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 25/05/2023 15:00

I think it's pretty normal. Their son has done a hugely shitty thing, but he's still their son. For some people, that's why they don't keep in contact. They also sound like shitty grandparents, so maybe they're just not great people.