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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you'd get in touch with spouse if relative if marriage ending?

73 replies

WWYD123a · 25/05/2023 14:30

I'm not talking a short marriage or one where the spouse didn't get on with the in laws. Think a 10 year marriage and didn't visit that often but saw each other every few months with DC in tow.

Would you expect in laws to get in touch? Or cut you off with immediate effect if a divorce was on the cards?

YABU - cut off with immediate effect
YANBU - really crappy not to get in touch

OP posts:
UrsulaBelle · 25/05/2023 15:02

I was the ExDIL/SIL in my case. My exH made it very clear to his family that he expected them to stay 'loyal' to him. He asked his brother, my exBIL to stop being FB friends with me. I'd known my exBIL longer than I'd known my exH! It did upset me. My exFIL, bless him, sent me a card with £50 in every birthday and Christmas until he died 5 years later but I never saw him again and wasn't welcome at his funeral.

Blossomtoes · 25/05/2023 15:02

in laws will never see DC if they don't maintain a relationship with me.

Why not? They’ll see them when they’re with their dad.

UrsulaBelle · 25/05/2023 15:03

My boys never see that side of the family anymore, except for their dad.

Original poster
WWYD123a · 25/05/2023 15:03

Blossomtoes · 25/05/2023 15:02

in laws will never see DC if they don't maintain a relationship with me.

Why not? They’ll see them when they’re with their dad.

Who only goes to see them because I encourage it.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 25/05/2023 15:04

WWYD123a · 25/05/2023 14:32

Their son having an affair. The DIL not wanting to continue the marriage and now being a single parent...

Show quote history

In that scenario, yes, I would make contact and offer support.

LubaLuca · 25/05/2023 15:09

To be honest, I would take not having to maintain a relationship with my in-laws as the silver lining in a horrible situation.

bringonyourwreckingball · 25/05/2023 15:14

My in-laws (19 year marriage) didn’t even get in touch when I was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 months after we separated. Their loss, it was always me who encouraged the kids to call them.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/05/2023 15:16

He will go more often now he will have sole care of his dc some days.

luckylavender · 25/05/2023 15:17

WWYD123a · 25/05/2023 14:41

When my sibling got divorced we didn't cut their spouse off straight away, and they had no DC. In my mind it's just the human thing to do, to get in touch.

When this happened to a friend she got cut off straight away.

BlastedPimples · 25/05/2023 15:19

I think being polite is important. Expressing concern and sorrow that things didn't work out.

But it depends on the circumstances really.

For example, my stbx was violent and verbally abusive. All his friends and family have shown zero interest in the well being of me and the dcs since we separated and started divorce proceedings. They are all rallying round him because he says he attempted suicide.

They're clearly cool with domestic violence against women and children. And are totally fooled by his DARVO.

MidsummerNightsDream · 25/05/2023 15:19

This happened to me. I was devastated for months after exH left. Had very few family members I could turn to (my parents are long dead). Not a word from exILs. Eventually exMIL came to visit and behaved like nothing had happened. I had to apologise and tell her that I wasn’t really very good company right now and only then did she talk to me a little bit about things. Later on, exSIL told me that they were very upset about it and upset at their son. I don’t think they understood or knows what to do; maybe thought it was a blip and he’d be back.

I’m actually on very good terms with them now. Ironically, probably more pleasant than ever because they’ve not so directly involved in my life.

So IME this is normal. I was in an online private group of women whose H’s had left them and silence from the IL’s seemed to be a pretty normal thing for many of us in the whole experience.

Didtheythough · 25/05/2023 15:24

This really depends on so many factors. I have one SIL who i speak to regularly so I'd def stay in touch and contact her proactively if relationship broke up. I have another SIL who I never speak to except at family events so I'm unlikely to initiate contact if they divorce.

Summerfun54321 · 25/05/2023 15:30

The harsh truth is they aren't your friends or family anymore. They are the DC's grandparents and it's for your ex to arrange for in laws to see their grand kids. There are many relationships that are ruined after a breakup... joint friends, in-laws. Maintaining a relation with ex inlaws can prevent you from properly moving on and finding someone new, however alien that might feel now.

Original poster
WWYD123a · 25/05/2023 15:35

I don't want a relationship with them long term tbh. But after a decade, and birthing their grandkids, I expected a consolation text or at least a 'hope the DC are OK'. Ex hasn't been here for weeks so it's just me and DC. It just feels like the polite/decent thing to do to me. To acknowledge things are a bit shit. Instead of ignoring it.

OP posts:
AWhaleSwamBy · 25/05/2023 15:45

They might think you don't want them to contact you. The fact that you already know that you don't want a long term relationship with them shows you aren't too bothered about them.

If you want to chat to them you should give them a call and if you don't then surely it suits you that they haven't contacted you.

Being passed off that they haven't contacted you when you don't actually care about them makes it seem like you are looking for a reason to be pissed of with them.

thecatsthecats · 25/05/2023 15:50

It doesn't sound like they were regularly doing the decent thing beforehand though?

I get on pretty well with my in laws, but there's still an invisible line. Even now I'm pregnant, there's just a "grandkids vessel" vibe, where I'm not really prioritised as a person in their own right.

(worth saying that this doesn't apply to the whole family - his gran, for example, is a fantastic woman)

DitherDother · 25/05/2023 15:51

The parents probably feel like they can't win. Don't want to interfere, don't want to alienate son, who they need to keep on side if they're to see GC. They've probably heard a one sided story too. They might even be wondering why DIL hasn't been in touch, they don't want to over step etc.

I'd like to think I'd check in to make sure she was doing OK, but I'd also be embarrassed by DS's behaviour, upset and know she's probably not OK and there's nothing I can do about it.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 25/05/2023 15:54

Have you tried to contact them?

icclemunchy · 25/05/2023 15:59

When my parents divorced due to mums affair my Grandad blanked her but my nan would chat if she saw her out and about and sends birthday/Christmas cards to my half siblings.

My mums parents would talk to my dad if they saw him but tbh wouldn't go out of their way even when they were married!

Both parents attended both grandads funerals and we're welcomed by extended family

LadyEloise1 · 25/05/2023 16:02

bringonyourwreckingball · 25/05/2023 15:14

My in-laws (19 year marriage) didn’t even get in touch when I was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 months after we separated. Their loss, it was always me who encouraged the kids to call them.

Christ on a bike, that's awful Shock

MargotBamborough · 25/05/2023 16:05

I would find it hugely upsetting if my in laws cut me off in this situation. I don't think they would but I have no way of knowing because no one on their side of the family has ever got divorced.

My uncle got divorced after 20 years of marriage and I was close to his wife (who I had known as "auntie" since I was old enough to talk). She doesn't want to stay in regular contact with her ex husband's family but we have seen her a few times. I don't have her on social media, or even have her phone number. But I've seen her a couple of times at my cousins' birthdays, and she came to my gran's funeral, and she sent presents when each of my children were born. So I guess she doesn't want regular contact but wants us to know she still cares, and I have to make do with that.

meandtheboy · 25/05/2023 16:17

I asked my abusive ex to leave, and my in-laws haven't spoken to me, or asked about the kids, from that day to this. I'd been with their son for 20+ years and apart from one silent phone call the day I told him I wanted a divorce, I've heard nothing from them.

It was very, very hurtful, it still is...even knowing that he'll have told them all sorts of lies about me, I still thought they might get in touch to check if I was ok. But no. Nothing.

In your situation OP I think I'd decide if I wanted to have contact for the kids' sake, and act on that basis; you can't make them talk to you, but you can hold out an olive branch if you want to.

FourFoxSake · 25/05/2023 16:24

I am maybe naive but I mostly think people just don't know what to do for the bloody best. Whether or not what they choose to do is seen as 'the right thing' is so subjective.

And fwiw, I think it's barely recognised that the wider family-in-law can be going through a degree of grief, themselves. They have, effectively, lost a family member.

Divorce is shit for so many reasons, one of which is the great cleaver it often drops right through extended family bonds that have taken years and effort to build up.

Thekormachameleon · 25/05/2023 16:46

Haven't heard a peep from mine in 18 months, had been married to their son for 22 years

But honestly, if my parents were contacting him I'd feel really betrayed but then he's the liar and cheat

Maybe they're embarrassed, I would be if he was my son

PicaK · 25/05/2023 16:48

Ex's family cut me off and banned me from visiting their area of the country or contacting my nephews/neices. 14 years of birthday and Christmas present buying and ensuring cards sent etc counted for nothing.