To think you'd get in touch with spouse if relative if marriage ending?

[WWYD123a]

I'm not talking a short marriage or one where the spouse didn't get on with the in laws. Think a 10 year marriage and didn't visit that often but saw each other every few months with DC in tow.

Would you expect in laws to get in touch? Or cut you off with immediate effect if a divorce was on the cards?

YABU - cut off with immediate effect
YANBU - really crappy not to get in touch

tbh if you don't want a relationship with them, I don't really see why you're het up about this. Not wanting a relationship with them also suggests you weren't that close and they may be secretly relieved the two of you have split . it's impossible to know really but seeing you don't want a relationship, their silence hasn't cost you anything.

I think people really do forget they are in laws. Not your family. They are your family due to your relationship with their child- when that ends, people (more often than not) side with the person they are blood related to.

But also, if they know the truth may feel you won't want to hear from them. Or may be mortified by their sons behaviour and not sure which is the best thing to do, no one eqnts to make it worse. They may not eant to appear they are siding with you. You don't know what he is actually telling them.

My ex inlaws, who had known me since I was 18 and married to their son for 16 years, didn't contact me. I put it down to his bad mouthing me and some awkwardness. When my mum died, my ex fil called my Dad and expressed his condolences and asked after me. That's it. I don't judge them for it and I am grateful that he did that.

They saw the kids when the kids were with their dad. On occasion it went months and months. That's not my issue and not my responsibility. If they had a problem with how often they saw the kids, that's a problem they have with their son. Not me.

The flipside is, I think lots of people would find it quite awkward if their parents were still in touch with their ex-partner - potentially they'd even see it as a bit of a betrayal.

welcome to divorce world. Your ‘so called’ best friends cut you off , in - laws go silent, in fact, Helloo… Nobody cares !!

I don't think it's that simple when it comes to in-laws.

Would you like it if your parents continued a relationship with your ex, and even spent time with them alone even though you'd divorced?

People seem to forget that divorce impacts the entire family, not just the married couple and children.

Well in my case given that it was a fairly straightforward affair and he chose to leave me and his kids (rarely sees them) , in that instance I think it would be a bit off if they just dropped me. I actually disagree that in laws are always "just" that. They are people, you are a person. My current v good relationship with my ex in laws has nothing to do with my ex. We meet up and have conversations about shared interests, I have been to exhibitions etc with ex MIL. EX hates it and I think gives MIL a hard time if he knows but tough. I think it's really sad that a decades long connection can just be dismissed if circumstances change. Of course if you were never close or especially got on, fine, but it shouldn't be a given that they are no longer your family.

Did you have a relationship between you and them or did everything go through your ex?

I don’t text or phone my ILs or visit them without DH. I don’t have a problem with them but my relationship with them is via DH and I think we’re all fine with that. So if we were to split up I suppose I’d expect them to talk to me as much as they do now - which is to say, they send me birthday cards and that’s pretty much it.

It was really unkind of you to override your sibling's wishes like that. You have no idea how much of the details of their marriage they held back from you. This would feel like a huge betrayal for me.

@Valour or, the sibling requested that because he didn't want the family to know he was a cheat / selfish / liar or whatever. Again, I would argue that a long term relationship can produce entirely separate connections with the in laws that the family member has no business interfering with.

Can I ask why you want them to contact you? Why’s it so important to you? It’s the last thing I’d want to be honest. For me it’s better to accept you’re no longer part of that family and be pleasant at any joint celebrations you need to attend for the kids.

reading your posts I would urge you not to weaponise your children against them. Whatever has happened it isn’t about your kids.

I phone my exMIL once a week and meet up with them for a meal with my DH a couple of times a year. I have been divorced from their DS for nearly 20 years.

I've spent the last 12 years getting to know my in laws and building a relationship with them. My MIL is one of the first people I would go to in a crisis. I like to think we have a relationship which exists in its own right now, and not just because she's my husband's mother and I'm her son's wife. I wouldn't expect our relationship to remain the same if her son and I split up, but suddenly ceasing all contact would be really upsetting.

When I divorced my first husband his mother told me she understood that he must have been impossible to live with, and then my parents in law would have nothing more to do with me. They'd never been very interested in the DC (their only grandchildren) anyway, and my XH's brother had decided some time before that he didn't want us in his life because we had no shared interests.

It was a horrible divorce, but I respected my former in-laws for choosing to support their son and wouldn't have dreamed of trying to bother them behind his back.

You clearly didn't particularly like them nor were you particularly close to them which suggests they probably felt the same way about you. Also, based on that, I can assume that they are only hearing their son's version of events which probably do not paint you positively.

I have two married brothers. The older one, if him and SIL were to get divorced, there is no doubt that we would all reach out to her and try to stay in touch, express regret etc. Doubly so if he had an affair. She is a lovely woman and we are not blind to the fact that Bro is a bit of a twat at times.

The other brother's wife is a strange and unfriendly woman who has made zero effort over the years and who, from our perspective, doesn't treat my brother very well. I can't imagine we'd do much in the way of contacting her if they divorced. I'm sure her viewpoint on that would not be the same as ours.

My PIL have not only cut me off, but also their grandchildren aged 16 and 14
Used to see them regularly and were pretty close to Grandma and Grandpa

If you want to keep channels open for them to be in touch with the kids, you can always drop them a note that says something along the lines of “I know it’s awkward at the moment, but please know that I don’t consider your son’s behaviour a reflection on you. We’ve yet to sort out access arrangements for the longer term, but you’re welcome to get in touch if you’d like to see me and/or the kids.”

He may have told them the truth and they’re embarrassed. He may have lied his arse off and they’re feeling protective. So this approach either gives them permission to get in touch without fear of you holding them responsible for his behaviour, or gives them something to think about. But you’ve nothing to lose, given they’re not in touch anyway right now.

I'm in a similar situation. Complete radio silence. It's usually announced that will visit every 4- 6 weeks. Absolutely nothing for ages now- lovely. They are emotionally impotent and withdraw completely in a crisis. They've never put in the leg work to build a relationships with the dc so their absence has gone un noticed.
Sounds like a lucky escape OP.

I have nothing to do with my x-ILs. I'm not bothered, I don't consider in-laws to be family and they certainly were not my friends. However they miss DD terribly and she them and only see her a few times a year when their golden child can be arsed to organise it. All those times they bitched at me for not seeing her enough - every 6-8 weeks not so bad after all.

Contact goes both ways. I was the DIL (still am but it’s 6 years ago), it was me that kept the contact going. There was no way I was letting them think I was keeping them from their grandchildren, I knew I had to be the bigger person. Now I just remind the kids to keep in contact themselves.

Have your parents been in touch with your ex?

It doesn't sound like you were very close to them if you only saw them every few months

But the flipside is that have no right to dictate who your sibling chooses to maintain a friendship is.

I know someone in the DIL situation, my side of the family, and there's no way I would ever connect with the ex-IL guy. He's an absolute idiot to make such an awful mistake and it's very clear where my allegiance lies, especially as there's children involved. YABU. Whose side are you on? And yes, you can't stay on both sides.