How to explain your "mental load" without sounding like a whiney b*tch

[Justsawamagpiechasingarat]

Just that really.
Marriage is absolutely on the rocks but still a lot of love underneath it all and we are committed to trying to work it out.
Went to first couples therapy recently and I found it really hard to describe the practical things that I wish DW would help with. When I started listing actual tasks it sounded ridiculous - they were all things that only take a couple of minutes and aren't really a big deal. DW's problems with me / life were HUGE and I am there saying I feel undervalued because she never makes a packed lunch for our child. I do however think that my gripes are as valid as hers - just not well communicated.
I really hate the term "mental load" and don't like the things that people share about women taking one thing out of a dishwasher only to end up cleaning the entire house etc etc (no offence if you are prone to sharing them, you will know the things that I am trying to describe).
I need to find a way of describing this problem and how it makes me feel....but I am really struggling.
By the way - I am not intending to drip feed anything but have a feeling that I may open up to bitching about stuff more and more as this thread goes on. I am trying to express my feelings and react to my wife's feelings in an open and healthy way IRL so might need to let off some anonymous steam here! Apologies in advance.

Changed username for this one but long time member / poster. Genuinely saw a magpie chasing a rat yesterday near my house. Disturbing and disgusting but natural I suppose. Curious how things ended up.

Not sure why I dedicated a whole paragraph to the magpie and the rat at the end of that post. If that is the part which resonates with you the most you are still so welcome on this thread though, please make yourself at home.

OP
Sorry no help with your actual question.

I think whether you're a man or a woman would greatly influence the tone of the responses here.
I'm getting the impression that you're a woman so I'd say it would be helpful to you to explicitly say so if so.

@SeulementUneFois
Thank you - I am a woman. Apologies, I should have made that clear.

This might help you organise your thoughts about the impact this has on you and how you feel about your relationship:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sinkbb_9055288/amp

Also can you share without outing any of the detail around her concerns shared at counselling? It might help posters understand the dynamic

@SeulementUneFois
Also, not sure if this helps but I carried DS4, took the parental leave and am the primary person for childcare.
I work 3 compressed days a week (around 30 hours) and DW works full time (37 hours over 5 days).

Give her Wifework to read?

I had a thread the other day about similar and got a lot of helpful responses. I'll try to link it ...

Cannot get rid of resentment around metal load. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4809819-cannot-get-rid-of-resentment-around-metal-load

There you go. You’re the default parent. Am also in a same sex relationship
though we became parents through adoption. I took the leave etc. The kid-related tasks and way of thinking about them just sort of ‘stick’ to you during leave and it’s really difficult to shake them off.

And it feels harder for people in our position because we feel ‘hang on, there’s no gender dynamic at play here, we’re supposed to do better at this’.

I’m in the same position. It’s really hard.

@YukoandHiro
Thank you - I have read that one before, but a long time ago. I will take another look.
DW says has three main concerns:

• Physical intimacy. This has been a reoccuring argument for us, I need to feel completely relaxed. The ensuing arguments and pressure for us both around the subject now mean that I am never relaxed when I think about it and there are loads of hurdles + actual barriers like time / privacy etc = hardly ever having sex.
• Job stress. DW's job has more responsibility than mine and she feels very stressed by it.
• Me prioritising DS. DW says that she used to be the centre of my world and now we have DS she finds it very difficult that he gets so much of my attention.

She also has an elderly relative that depends on us (but mainly me) quite heavily, which adds to the mix.

Your ds is supposed to be the centre of your world ffs

@Rainallnight
a) sorry that you also find yourself in this tricky position.
b) delighted to have found you and not be alone in this.

I don't know if this is the same for you, but I have always been the "caring" role in our relationship. I guess that is why it was so natural for me to be the carrying mother and the default parent. Recently though, I have started to feel like the caring I do for DW is just more motherhood...which doesn't help the relationship dynamic.

Well yes, quite! I have made it very clear that I am committed to working on things but if DW needs to be at the centre of my world again I cannot offer that so we will have to separate.

You’re not alone at all. I think it’s the unspoken thing in the two-mum world.

No, if anything there was more of a dynamic of DP caring for me before we got together. And I think tbh we’re both just a bit ‘cared out’. One of our DC has some additional needs and has been quite challenging so we are very tired!

I think they dynamic you’re talking about with you feeling overloaded and her feelings unloved is common to couples of any sexuality. It’s all linked and probably not quite as straightforward as sharing the mental load. Definitely something to unpick in counselling.

One thing that helped me, though, was to write a list of ALL of the things I did and have an honest conversation with DP about sharing them out.

But realistically, I’ve come to the conclusion that the mental load and default parent will just sit more with one parent.

@Tadpolle
Thank you - I had somehow missed this one and it is useful. I haven't read the whole thread but will return to it.

I think, like the OP in that thread I am enabling DW. The problem is that I have been doing that for so long if I abruptly stop it will be an obvious move and possibly seen as playing a game or being deliberately "difficult" to make a point.

For example, tomorrow DW is taking DS to preschool so that I can work early (start at 07:00) so before I go to work I will get up with DS, get his packed lunch and bag sorted, give him breakfast and at the very least lay out some clothes for him (will get him dressed if I have time) so that the act of taking him to preschool will cause as little disruption to DW's morning as possible.
Of course, I will get myself ready, keep the pets and plants alive, get stuff out of the freezer so it is defrosted ready for cooking dinner etc too.
If I just get up and get myself ready tomorrow when DW asks if I have got DS's stuff ready, he's had breakfast etc. I say "no, you'll have to do that today" she will feel dropped in it. She isn't wrong either, she is used to me doing all of those things so I will be dropping her in it.

I screenshot this from a different mental load thread as it really resonated with me

"But realistically, I’ve come to the conclusion that the mental load and default parent will just sit more with one parent."

See, that is how all of these threads seem to end.

The fact is being the only one thinking about childcare, food shopping, meal planning, cooking, cleaning to loo, getting the pet food, watering the plants....(add whatever mundane activity you like) whilst me so called partner completely suits themselves is not working for me. Especially when I have to sympathetically listen to their work problems, how fucking tired they are and then have them whinge about not being "the centre of my world". Half of the tasks I do go completely unnoticed (the pets could be dead without her realising) and the other half are not often appreciated.
For example, last night I cooked DW's favourite meal and bought the best of ingredients from the local shops. I wasn't cooking for the elderly relative and it was our opportunity to have a treat. DW got delayed by something whilst I was cooking so some elements of the meal were sitting around for a while either fully cooked or half cooked, some bits were cooked perfectly but cold, other bits were overdone from re-heating. By the time we sat down to eat DW was cranky from being hungry and stressed by the thing that delayed her. She didn't comment on the food when I presented it to her and instead asked if we had mayonnaise. I told her to check the fridge, she returned having not found the mayonnaise in the fridge. She then started huffing and eating without the mayo. Half way through the meal I apologised for it not being at it's best and for some bits being over-done. She said the meal was "fine" and did not thank me for it. I imagined shoving the easily findable jar of mayonnaise from the fridge up her arse sideways.
There is a meal that elderly relative particularly likes and DW always said that it wasn't her favourite but she was happy to eat it. I like the meal, it is cheaper than a lot of things elderly relative demands and fairly easy to make, but knowing that it wasn't DW's favourite I would make it every couple of months and not more often (even if elderly relative started nagging me). THEN I went out with DW and some of her workmates, only to discover that the meal was the butt of one of their office jokes, DW hates it and they often joked with her saying "oh dear, is the wife cooking XYZ again for your dinner?!" I felt really hurt and confused by this.

Ask your wife how she thinks life would go if you both only did the amount she does. Ask her what she thinks you do in the morning before she does the preschool drop off. Either she is unaware these things need doing (unlikely, but once she is aware she can then just do them like you do, so that's easy) or she is already aware but thinks they're your job (in which case you CAN just stop doing them, because she knows they need to be done).

Also, in light of the whole "not my favourite" actually meaning that DW hated the meal with a passion (enough to mention it to several colleagues) I now find myself constantly trying to work out if she likes things or not...looking for subtle clues and asking her whether she is happy with things repeatedly. It is pathetic, exhausting and completely unnecessary.

@ClementWeatherToday
I have and it is the latter. I have to ask her to do those things as a favour if I am not going to do them, so there has to be a good reason for me not doing it and eating into her special selfcare time. Then it goes one of two ways;

1. she "tries" to do it, gets stressed and I end up meeting them on the school run (my workplace is half way between home and school) to take over so that she doesn't take stress out on DS.
2. she does it and makes a huge fuss over the tasks being easy, not taking much time etc. but next time I have to ask her as a big favour and the cycle starts again with the same possible outcomes depending on her mood.

@InvincibleInvisibility
I like that one - thank you

Are you a carer for her relative? How has she managed to make this your responsibility and yet blame you for her not being the centre of your world?

You need boundaries, she needs to take care of her own relative. Take a massive step back.

@mainsfed
I am not the carer as such, but I do cook for the relative five evenings a week. Our living / financial arrangements are very much tangled with the relative also.
It started with me cooking a couple of meals a week for the relative as I was cooking anyway....but then it kind of grew. Now I plan our evening meals / whether I can go out etc etc around the relative five nights a week. I send a menu once a week and have to take into consideration the relative's tastes and tolerances. There were a whole host of quick, easy and cheap meals that I used to be able to throw together that we no longer eat because of this, so our food shopping is really expensive and the whole thing takes up a huge amount of headspace.
DW does not cook.
Relative does make demands on DW's free time though, often DW will spend a weekend afternoon with relative at short notice, which means we have less family time. If I try to pre-empt this by making plans for DS and I to go somewhere, relative will always have a reason that she needs DW on the other day instead.
We both really love the elderly relative and care for them. However, elderly relative is selfish and narcissistic, so very manipulative.

relative pays towards ingredients, but a very small amount compared to what things actually cost. She is taking the piss and everyone knows it, but because she has helped us financially in other ways I cannot really complain.