To be irritated by the “when I was this age I was doing…” line

[Lovelydog1]

On so many threads about teenagers and young adults I see MNers post some variation of “when I was that age I was doing X so therefore dc should do Y”. It irkes me so much as it doesn’t seem to acknowledge that if a MNer is 40, then they were 18 some 22 years ago and the world has fundamentally changed since then.

Yes in the 80s and 90s young teens went out getting pissed every night but that doesn’t mean a parent today should be ok with their 16 year old doing the same. Because since then there have been stricter licensing laws, greater safeguarding, a change in social attitudes etc. Life in the current age (which I would probably class as having begun in 2020/21 with the ever faster rise of social media and covid) is totally different to even ten years ago let alone several decades ago.

So many MNers simply don’t seem to grasp the concept that these days, rightly or wrongly, people are a lot younger of their years. This is because of the financial pressures preventing young people from moving out, a change in social attitudes, greater focus on safeguarding, a greater pathologisation of children’s behaviour (“boys will be boys” etc has been replaced with “all behaviour is communication”.)

It’s actually cringeworthy to think what I got up to at my DD’s age (15) and it’s not something I would allow her to repeat with my knowledge as if I did I would likely have involvement from the school and social services whereas my parents left me to it and the school would have turned a blind eye if they knew.

The world has totally changed so what someone on MN did/ was allowed to do is not really relevant to parenting of a child in the modern era.

aibu?

I think people infantilise their grown adult children far too much. Yes, it's hard to get on and get a house etc but I know of 18 year old who are incapable of making their own hair appointments, dentist appointments cos no one has ever got them to do it themselves before. That's not healthy.

FWIW, my DD is 16 and has been drunk before. I'm 37 and she and her friends seem much the same as I was back in the day.

I wasn't able to do these things when I was that age back in the 90s.

Sadly no one did it for me either. Parental support would have been life changing.

It’s actually cringeworthy to think what I got up to at my DD’s age (15) and it’s not something I would allow her to repeat with my knowledge as if I did I would likely have involvement from the school and social services whereas my parents left me to it and the school would have turned a blind eye if they knew.

The ‘with my knowledge’ bit is surely key here? 15 year olds will always do stuff behind their parents backs/without permission. Social services don’t exactly have the resources to get involved in families that are basically normal but where teens are drinking/smoking/shagging etc and fibbing to their parents about what they’ve been up to. The world has changed, but not that much.

Parents are far too controlling these days. The age of consent has been the same for decades. The law regarding being an adult at 18 was introduced in about 1970.
I absolutely think that teenagers have a rubbish time compared to the 70s & 80s. Those nearing 18, subject to strict regulations, even bedtime, seen recently on another thread. I would definitely rebel!

Interesting take. That can work the other way too. I was expert at doing all these things. More parental support with life would have been welcome.

One of the most annoying things I find when people talk about millenials not being able to afford to buy a house, is mentioning smart phones and Internet- as if they're an unnecessary luxury . Well yes of course we all survived in the 1990s without them because they weren't widely available at that time! Now they are pretty much essential.

It’s gone too far, IMO. People seem to be children until about age 25 these days. We have young grads at work who basically seem to view their line manager as a parent

Bloody hell. I thought being able to mumble on about how it was done 'back in my day' was one the guaranteed perks of getting older?

Are you telling me I sat through my Gran and then my Mum doing similar but I won't be afforded the same enjoyment of a good moan about 'the youth of today'?

Totally unfair!

@Fizbosshoes yes that's fair enough, but there's plenty of people complaining they can't afford a house when they spent their 20s paying out for gym memberships, flash cars, flash holidays, constant festivals, big nights out and new clothes/shoes every turn about.

There is an assumption on mumsnet that ALL.16-18 year-olds will.be doing Aevels in a school sixth form and then going to university so they perceive them to be school.children
this is obviously not the case but I do think a lot of posters. Can't accept that 18 is an adult

YANBU

Most mumsnetters were interrailing at 14 by themselves. 🤣

Yes the who ,the brain doesn't stop.developing untill.25 often trotted out on here gets me
I was a fully qualified mental health nurse at 22 but apparently my brain hadent,stopped

I wouldn't want my children to have my upbringing I think of it like my parents were an absentee landlord and the house fell apart without maintenance then I got evicted and while I did manage for the most part alone lessons were definitely skipped and avoidable mistakes were made

Well, my DM was working full-time at 14, but her DC were expected to stay in school until 18. But I worked Saturdays and holidays from 15, which is now discouraged by Schools, and having that independence did mean that I, at 18, was far more mature than most 18-year-olds today. Many of my friends had started full-time work at 16, so they were also more mature.
I have noticed that those who pull the “when I was your age” card are often those who have mollycoddled their DC, hence the reason for their DC to be less mature than them at the same age! People are strange…

Can't both things be true though;

• technically and legally you're an adult at 18 (and as such have certain responsibilities)
• but accept that part of the brain is still developing in ones early 20s

That doesn't mean you're still a child, or that you can't hold down jobs or responsibilities but explains for example why car insurance premiums are higher for that age group.

I think there has to be balance. Obviously some comparisons don’t work and it should be noted that there’s differences.

But also people do treat adults like children now and completely ignoring things, previous generations did doesn’t really work either.

"It’s actually cringeworthy to think what I got up to at my DD’s age (15) and it’s not something I would allow her to repeat with my knowledge"

That's the point OP. With your knowledge. Suspect your parents would have felt exactly the same - if they knew.

Nothing has changed in this dynamic. It's the same in every single generation.

Oh stop it.
They could do nothing except eat beans on toast until the end of time and they STILL couldn't afford a house.

Affordable housing is now out of the reach of almost everyone without inheritance or a huge salary, or the right to inherit a council housing tenancy.

Meanwhile the cost of the so-called luxuries you speak or have enormously reduced making them much more accessible to young people.

In the south east, I agree with you. In most others parts of the UK, I 100% disagree.

yes that's fair enough, but there's plenty of people complaining they can't afford a house when they spent their 20s paying out for gym memberships, flash cars, flash holidays, constant festivals, big nights out and new clothes/shoes every turn about

I think that's unfair. Many young people now wouldn't be able to get a mortgage for a first house, even if they never spent a single penny. It's definitely not as affordable as it was a couple of decades ago. Rising house prices have totally outstripped wages. 30 years ago, I was lucky enough to afford a mortgage in my twenties, and still had a car, went to the gym, had holidays abroad. I wouldn't even get a mortgage for that same house now, on my current wage.

I do encourage my young adult children so save towards a deposit, but they still should be able to live a life as well.

But also people do treat adults like children now

I agree. When I was a teenager, looking to go to Uni, I visited several uni open days on my own. I got the train, made my own way there, no one had their parents with them. It's not like that now.

It’s actually cringeworthy to think what I got up to at my DD’s age (15) and it’s not something I would allow her to repeat with my knowledge as if I did I would likely have involvement from the school and social services whereas my parents left me to it and the school would have turned a blind eye if they knew

And that's the key, isn't it? I'n sure that most 15/16 year olds are doing things that their parents don't know about, it's part of growing up. It would have to be something pretty serious for social services to get involved.

Saying anything along the lines of "when I was in your situation/your age/had your problem, I didn't do x, I did y" is extremely annoying and generally rather dismissive. Not just to or about teens but anyone of any age.

Each one of us is different, living in a different environment and therefore what is right for the one person is not necessarily right for the next. If you use that kind of line, it is dismissive because you are saying tbey are less capable etc that you.

I'm currently suffering domestic abuse and my fiend keeps telling that when it happened to her she upped and left with just her clothes and her cat and so therefore I should be able to do it too. That was back in 1980, she was early 20s with no kids and every chance of her income going up. I'm mid 50d and on a very low income due to I'll health. Totally different people and different life
Stages. I just wish she would do something constructive to help rather than implying I'm useless. (I know she doesn't mean it but she is really not helping)

Am I confusing You with Someone else or did you say recently on a thread that you will not allow you 16 year old to have a sleepover anywhere?

Sincere apologies if I have mixed you up.

That’s not true in the North. The flat I bought 6 months into my £19.5k grad job is now on the market for £60k less than we bought it for. I needed a 15% deposit, and my then boyfriend earned closer to £30k - but we managed to save enough. It’s even more affordable to anybody wanting to buy it now.