To be irritated by the “when I was this age I was doing…” line

[Lovelydog1]

On so many threads about teenagers and young adults I see MNers post some variation of “when I was that age I was doing X so therefore dc should do Y”. It irkes me so much as it doesn’t seem to acknowledge that if a MNer is 40, then they were 18 some 22 years ago and the world has fundamentally changed since then.

Yes in the 80s and 90s young teens went out getting pissed every night but that doesn’t mean a parent today should be ok with their 16 year old doing the same. Because since then there have been stricter licensing laws, greater safeguarding, a change in social attitudes etc. Life in the current age (which I would probably class as having begun in 2020/21 with the ever faster rise of social media and covid) is totally different to even ten years ago let alone several decades ago.

So many MNers simply don’t seem to grasp the concept that these days, rightly or wrongly, people are a lot younger of their years. This is because of the financial pressures preventing young people from moving out, a change in social attitudes, greater focus on safeguarding, a greater pathologisation of children’s behaviour (“boys will be boys” etc has been replaced with “all behaviour is communication”.)

It’s actually cringeworthy to think what I got up to at my DD’s age (15) and it’s not something I would allow her to repeat with my knowledge as if I did I would likely have involvement from the school and social services whereas my parents left me to it and the school would have turned a blind eye if they knew.

The world has totally changed so what someone on MN did/ was allowed to do is not really relevant to parenting of a child in the modern era.

aibu?

Having lived through past decades, doesn't mean we're not also alive now, does it? Our experience and knowledge isn't restricted to how things were in our youth, so I'm not sure why you think you have a special insight into how things are different in current times that others of us lack?
When people speak of their experience, they're quite capable of applying it to a different context and time, and still coming to the same conclusions.

Is this thing about the brain developing (which keeps getting trotted out on here) an excuse to try to stop adults starting their adult lives until late?

ie make out that it is ok for them to be living at home, paid low wages etc.

Whereas, really, a lot can be achieved by 25. Getting on with life makes it all easier in my view

My older children I would say are quite immature for their age and no, I don't want them trying to buy White Lightning and drinking it in the park like I did at their age.

But no one looks at their own child and thinks they’d really suit drinking white lightning in the park, do they? I’m sure your own mum thought you were more innocent than you really were.

@ImAGoodPerson, well, this would have been 2005 - 2009, London schools, local education service. I must admit that what with OFSTED, SATs and Ratings, I assumed at the time that this was another ridiculous diktat by out of touch inspectors. Good to know that some DC are encouraged to work on stuff other than GCSE’s and A-Levels now!

Grown up kids do seem to be infantilized far more nowadays. I am typical Gen X and I am not going lie I do find it bewildering how so many adults in their twenties seem to be incapable of life admin eg sorting their own phone contracts out etc. I agree the world has changed and it’s harder for parents to place boundaries when there adult children still live at home but if I had an adult child in their late teens or twenties who needed me to make an appointment for them I would think I had failed at parenting badly.

Totally agree!

Such a shame isn't it as it teaches them so much that being at school can't. I suspect you're right that it's all about ratings and so on. It's helped my youngest DS who has autism and ADHD massively, he's really grown in confidence.

Exactly - I did all sorts of disgraceful things aged 15 (mostly alcohol related) in the late 80s but my parents had no idea. They thought I was at a friend's house or whatever. I think it's highly likely my daughter will get up to the same mischief when she's 15 and I won't know. She's already very secretive at 12.

The thing is though when your a teenager you see yourself and the world through a teenagers eyes. Now you are looking at the world through an adults eyes. It's easy to feel confident and grown up and 16 but actually not appear it to an adult. I think it's easy to view yourself through tinted glasses

At 18 I was very confident, but this was also because I was naive. I didn't really understand the consequences to a lot of the decisiosn I made. Maybe I should have had more support. A lot of my friends made really foolish decisions

Also as a teenager there were lots of things my parents didn't know I did, my view of me as a teenager is different to theirs.

And who is raising these mollycoddled teens? Surely it's the generation who were less? It doesn't come from nowhere. Perhaps there's a reason?

I also suspect a lot of it is Bs

Today's young adults have so many more opportunities it seems like. Like every generation things are different though. I wouldn't dream of saying anything along the lines of do because I did but I do expect them to have a degree of awareness as they have access to so much more information.

Do young teens do Saturday jobs or summer jobs now?
Myself and all of my school friends had Saturday jobs the minute we turned 13. We worked in the summer holidays. Loads of us did paper rounds before school.

When I left school at 16 I'd already been in the world of work for 3 years.
It is a really important part of growing up which we seem to have lost.

I think it is sometimes unfair to compare like with like for teens having Saturday jobs in shops.

I had a Saturday, Sunday and late night Thursday job as my first job. The permanent and senior members of staff didn't work Sundays (it was the very early days of Sunday opening) and iirc took turns on saturdays/late nights.
Now if you work in retail I'm pretty sure you'll be expected to work 5 of 7 days and those can be any 5 including the weekends. Or zero hours contracts. Instead of having a teen working in the shop at weekends, all the staff will be spread more thinly across 7 days to save employing/training an extra person. Also some places don't employ those without an NI number which you only get at 16.

Yes I was a teen in the 80,s there were loads of kids at my school who had Saturday jobs at stalls on the local market and in newsagents ect but these days there is more rules around employing teens I suspect it was mainly cash in hand in the 80,s , I think it's far harder to do that these days

I'm 51 and have a nearly 18yo dd and a 15yo ds. Tbh I can see virtually no difference in the level of freedom, responsibility or maturity my dc have compared with what I had at their age.

Totally agree with you op

I didn't really understand the consequences to a lot of the decisiosn I made. Maybe I should have had more support. A lot of my friends made really foolish decisions

But that’s part of learning and growing - making folkish decisions while you’re young enough to work your way out of it. I made some silly decisions as an older teen - mainly overspending on cheap credit thrown at 18 year olds at the time. I’m responsible with money and understand instant gratification -v- long term debt partly because I learned by getting it wrong.

I think some parents now are so fearful their kids won’t have straight As (or whatever), a university place, a future career and a substantial house deposit by the time they leave school they micro manage every part of their teenage child’s life.

It annoys me when people come on here and act like they were superior at a certain age because they had a mortgage by 25, kids and were oh so grown up compared to the childish adults of today.
The world changes over the years and throws up different challenges. I don't think anyone can argue that houses in London and owning them is not a million times harder than it was in past years for example.
Everyone can hit hard times or struggle. Everyone can find themselves in a place where they didn't think they would be at a certain age and nobody is better than anyone else.

I think you've missed the point - which is that as they get older I won't be policing them to ensure they're not doing that, even though I would prefer they don't.

I work with several gen z young people and they are all much more competent, well socialised and mature than I was at their age. I’m astonished by their maturity actually. I was very under parented and I may have been capable of going out and getting off my face at 16, and of living alone at 18, but I was clueless about adult life really. My own teens are equally as useless as I was, but a lot more honest and open with me than I ever was with my parents, so it’s not all bad. I do agree life is a lot more shit for young people now, and they know it is. Their resilience in the face of this is impressive ime.

I salute you!! Brilliant post!!