To be irritated by the “when I was this age I was doing…” line

[Lovelydog1]

On so many threads about teenagers and young adults I see MNers post some variation of “when I was that age I was doing X so therefore dc should do Y”. It irkes me so much as it doesn’t seem to acknowledge that if a MNer is 40, then they were 18 some 22 years ago and the world has fundamentally changed since then.

Yes in the 80s and 90s young teens went out getting pissed every night but that doesn’t mean a parent today should be ok with their 16 year old doing the same. Because since then there have been stricter licensing laws, greater safeguarding, a change in social attitudes etc. Life in the current age (which I would probably class as having begun in 2020/21 with the ever faster rise of social media and covid) is totally different to even ten years ago let alone several decades ago.

So many MNers simply don’t seem to grasp the concept that these days, rightly or wrongly, people are a lot younger of their years. This is because of the financial pressures preventing young people from moving out, a change in social attitudes, greater focus on safeguarding, a greater pathologisation of children’s behaviour (“boys will be boys” etc has been replaced with “all behaviour is communication”.)

It’s actually cringeworthy to think what I got up to at my DD’s age (15) and it’s not something I would allow her to repeat with my knowledge as if I did I would likely have involvement from the school and social services whereas my parents left me to it and the school would have turned a blind eye if they knew.

The world has totally changed so what someone on MN did/ was allowed to do is not really relevant to parenting of a child in the modern era.

aibu?

What else can people offer apart from their own experiences?

There is a balance to find but generally I am in favour of people making their own mistakes and growing from them.

My teenage years were really tough but I quickly became an adult forged in steel. Parents broke up at 12, stayed with dad who worked full time and opted out of home life, so I raised two siblings. Attended school around 50% of the time. Had three part time jobs when I was taking my GCSEs. Moved out immediately after, at 16, for an easier life. Did my A-levels whilst working all hours as a waitress for £3 an hour and renting a room by the week. Got fantastic grades and went to a RG uni.

At uni, nothing but nothing phased me. Washing clothes at the laundrette? Fine. Reading a rental contract? Fine. Booking a removals company? Fine. Angry neighbour? Totally unruffled. Moving abroad for postgrad? Easy.

By contrast, my husband grew up in a hugely supportive family but even today he and his sister feel compelled to ask their parents’ advice on every damn thing - car purchases, educational courses, mortgages, holidays, everything. They are terrified to make mistakes and would rather share the blame with others.

As a society we have forgotten what young people are capable of and we are denying them the opportunity to discover it for themselves.

Personally I think people use what you've expressed here as an excuse a bit too much.

I've been known to say what you're complaining about, but I'm not 40, I'm often five years older than the "children" they are talking about, and people have been saying the same stuff on here since I was the same age.

I'm far from thinking modern life isn't tough but I think that seems to translate on here to treating people between 20-25, sometimes 25-30, as though they are young teens and are totally incapable.

@dizzydizzydizzy I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure your friend means well, as you say, but it must be so frustrating to listen to.
Are you getting any proper help? From Women’s Aid for eg? Do you have any other support - from relatives or friends?

If you were to start your own thread (name change if you need to) you would get a lot of help. It would be Best to put the new thread in Relationships.

Lol no, that's not me. She's been allowed to sleepovers where I know and trust the family from year 5.

What she's not been allowed to do is go to mixed sex sleepovers (altho she only asked that question once when she was 13/14ish) or to go to a sleepover at a house where I know nothing about the parents and they've not contacted me beforehand to say "hi, im sophies mum, just wanted to say hi and for you to have my number before the sleepover the girls are arrnaging"

So many MNers simply don’t seem to grasp the concept that these days, rightly or wrongly, people are a lot younger of their years.

From your statement above op...we absolutely do realise that people are younger for their age! But what we are saying is it is wrong. They shouldn't be. What the fuck is wrong with a 17 year old who can't be left alone over night, or a 12 year old who can't sit separately from her parents on a plane, or a 18 year old who can't go to a university open day on his own?
Why have parents been more interested in safety than resilience? It's a balance sure but resilience is a huge measure of future success and lot's of young people are at a big disadvantage by not having enough of it.
They should be challenged to take risks, feel uncomfortable and do stuff anyway.

So many MNers simply don’t seem to grasp the concept that these days, rightly or wrongly, people are a lot younger of their years. This is because of the financial pressures preventing young people from moving out, a change in social attitudes, greater focus on safeguarding, a greater pathologisation of children’s behaviour (“boys will be boys” etc has been replaced with “all behaviour is communication”.)

I really don't understand what connection you're making with teens who are about 15 and young adults who aren't moving out. They are totally different.

In the main - I hugely disagree with you. I think we do our children a disservice to blanketly protect them from everything. How many times have I read on here that a child should never ever be made to feel bad about anything, lest it causes them some uncomfortable feelings? Sorry - this is how we as human beings grow and learn. We're at risk of raising a generation of children who have never been told no, never had to deal with any sort of discomfort in their lives, never had to navigate even the most mundane of tricky situations and are therefore stuck in perpetual childhood.

My older children I would say are quite immature for their age and no, I don't want them trying to buy White Lightning and drinking it in the park like I did at their age.

I agree with @Secondwindplease there is a balance. We need to support our children to do stuff they're maybe uncomfortable with to enable them to grow in confidence - not just leave them with nothing like @highlandspooce says. My goal is that when my children want to move out, they can do so with limited input from me other that what they want.

To be fair - the main reason why parents now attend university open days is that they'll be paying so it's reasonable that they want some input! It was different before uni fees were introduced.

You've just put into words my feelings exactly. I was born mid 60's, formative years 70's, 80's. Had my DC's in the 90's. I actually feel sorry for the current generation, so many rules, so many restrictions. It starts with babies having to be with you all the time, delaying potty training, baby led, child led. Fear of strangers, so we keep them in, only for them to be mentally assaulted on social media. Perhaps those of us who experienced a different way, can gently suggest it doesn't have to be like that?

I think most people say it in response to posters who treat their teenagers like babies.

I think I may have said it myself in response to a poster who imposed a 9pm curfew on a 17 year old. This 17 year old I'm sure (since it's mumsnet) will be off to a RG University in just over a year and expected to live independently.

You do see some over the top parenting rules on here.

I'm sorry lol, I got confused, doesnt take much! 😂

I agree with this. My late teens DD still asks permission to go out, I can't get my head around it. It's not something I've ever insisted on. I actually told her this week, you're almost an adult, do as you please just let me know your plans so I know a) roughly where you are and b) when I should or shouldn't expect to see you.

It's been that way for twenty years or more. Why do parents need an input? They're paying regardless, right?

My parents came with me to look round on uni open days 20 years ago...not because I couldn't have gone on the train myself, but because they were curious what some of the cities were like and I wanted to know what thoughts they had on various places too.

If id have been keen to go on my own, there'd have been no issue with it, from either side.

Damn you put it so much better than me.

I do think that many young people are wrapped up in cotton wool for a long time. They seem to not be very robust or resilient, there is an article on the BBC news today where a young person complains about the novel Of Mice and men. Clearly it's of it's time and has the 'n' word in it. Now I understand that the young person is a POC, but would not studying the book, at A level, be a welcome opportunity for discussion?
My son read it for his GCSE, I really can't understand why people can't accept that life was rubbish for many people in times past and discuss rationally. Many books, plays etc are gory or have unpleasant scenes, or are actually a bit saucy/fruity. Are we all traumatised by Shakespeare?

I’m fairness, I am often quite taken aback at adults in their twenties who couldn’t possibly work the Tube or catch an aeroplane by themselves. I often wonder what it’s like to work with them.

Totally agree. I can't get my head around an 18 year old having a strict bedtime. According to MN this is quote common.

Teens are infantalised way too much, it's lazy parenting as it's way more stressful to deal with them going out, pushing boundaries etc

Ha, I also know adults in their 40s who won't attempt the tube on their own!

My DS does, he hasn't had a curfew etc for a long time, he's 17. I like it though as it's courteous. All we ask of him is that he let's us know roughly what he's up to and when he'll be home/how he's getting home so we don't worry. My parents did the same.

Quite.

I have never heard of kids being discouraged by schools to work weekends and holidays. Mine both did and really encouraged by school also who thoguht it was great experience. I have only heard parents saying until they finish A levels they aren't allowed to work.

Thanks @TheRevolutionmaywellbetelevised. Much appreciated.

I was actually on the phone to my Women's Aid support worker when you posted! What a coincidence! I am getting some support but I am in an incredibly difficult position. Hopefully it will get sorted eventually.

My DC have often been on their own in school holidays since the age of about 12, and at that age were perhaps slightly more independent than their peers with a parent at home.
They've known how to cook simple meals (jacket potatoes, pasta, freezer food mainly) since then and, how to use the washing machine etc and I leave them chores to do occassionally. They both hugely complain if I ask them to get a pint of milk from the shop (the shop is 10-15 min walk)
However DD (16) still messages me at work to ask if she can have x for lunch! I'm not sure why - I've never stipulated they can't have certain food or been cross about something being used up

Cheer up, at some point we all thought we would never do it but we do, even my 17 year old granddaughter moans about how cheeky the 'kids' in Year 7 are!