To confront men who ghost me online

[kokanoodlesagain]

I really feel fucked off about this .
Manners out the window.
We chat online for days , plan to meet etc .
They're not feeling it, fine.
I always say that I dont feel it and say all the best.
So when a couple of these have just stopped contact after days in line, I think it's the height of rudeness .
AIIBU to want to say something.
I dont even know what to say but acknowledge rudeness or am I completely old fashioned ?

So should I bother responding to the apology and explanation?

With kindness, I think you're going to have to grow a thicker skin and learn to take things far less personally if you're to get anywhere OLD.

These are strangers. You can't be wasting energy and emotion on strangers not behaving precisely as you would like them to. You start out saying you're angry at being ignored, now plan to ignore the guy back as you're still annoyed with his response. So you're not actually against ghosting in principle, just don't like how it feels. So learn to take it on the chin when online chats fizzle. Just move on.

People vanishing from chats is part of OLD. Maybe not great but as PP says, they're either unavailable or have lost interest. Do you really want every bloke you start a chat with telling you why you're not the woman for him? I wouldn't particularly. Either a simple 'take care' if you feel the need to end the chat, or delete/ unmatch/ block.

Ghosting is the polite wayof saying “we aren’t compatible”. Would you prefer they went on a date and told you politely? Yes it can be annoying. I wouldn’t confront because you will just get labelled ott and that’s being polite.

I agree it’s upsetting though.

So he didn't ghost me and I thought he had. He came back with an apology and explanation.
I don't want to appear to needy but how do I respond to that having essentially called him rude the night before for not closing this down, if that's what he wanted

I would take it with a pinch of salt. Sometimes these "apologies and explains" are lies. OLD is full of idiots. If someone was serious and a good person, how long does it take to send a quick message and say you're going to be out of contact for a bit because of x reason. Unless they've been in a coma/incarcerated , I can't really think of a valid reason why someone would just disappear without any explanation.

Yes, you now owe him an apology.

You owe him an apology for being rude and making assumptions imo.

How long fid he "ghost" you for?

This is key. If it was 2 weeks then he did ghost you and is now just squirming. If 2 days then maybe he was busy and now you look a bit nutty.

I’d just send a polite “no worries, all the best” type response and leave it at that.

You don't know how they feel. You don't know what is going on in their life. If you've never met them f2f and all it has been is online exchanges, your best way forward is to always go into it with low or moderate expectations.

Don't overinvest, keep things busy in your RW life just as they are and basically give zero F*cks.

This is unfortunately encouraging OP, who like you is taking it all much too seriously. This is someone she has never met; after a bit of online chat. There is no reason why someone owes the 10-15 people they are chatting with an explanation about their work, family issues, other dating life etc. You chat a bit, if you like each other then you arrange to meet. If one is other isn't ready then keep up your other conversations. Going all-in as though this is a life-in partner who owed some explanation of their calendar is madness. How would you really feel if you exchange a few messages with a random and then they start badgering you that you must respond every day? OP is waving the big red flag here and needs to understand her expectations are unacceptable.

This is going to sound harsh, but you sound needy. Maybe accept OLD isn't for you, it doesn't suit everyone.

This is unfortunately encouraging OP, who like you is taking it all much too seriously. This is someone she has never met; after a bit of online chat. There is no reason why someone owes the 10-15 people they are chatting with an explanation about their work, family issues, other dating life etc. You chat a bit, if you like each other then you arrange to meet. If one is other isn't ready then keep up your other conversations. Going all-in as though this is a life-in partner who owed some explanation of their calendar is madness. How would you really feel if you exchange a few messages with a random and then they start badgering you that you must respond every day? OP is waving the big red flag here and needs to understand her expectations are unacceptable It's been a long time since I partook in online dating, but I can only speak from my own experience, so the OP can take it or leave it. There are plenty of weird guys on there who drop in and out, some with incredible reasons why they haven't been in contact for weeks/didn't follow through on a date etc. Of course there are normal people who've just been busy or whatever. I personally wasn't looking for anything serious on OLD, but if the OP is then it can be a bit of a minefield to separate the normal men from the weird ones that you wouldn't want to touch with a barge pole. If there's a real connection, it's unlikely someone is going to disappear without a word. If the guy OP is talking to does it again and comes back with another excuse, she'll have her answer. If you met someone IRL and were chatting with them and they ghosted you and came back, you'd probably think it was a non starter, so I don't see why the same doesn't apply on OLD.

I was assuming by ghosting the OP meant for a few weeks it something? I think if it's a couple of days, it's different, but then I wouldn't refer to that as ghosting.

I know this isn’t the point of the thread, but why do people spend weeks sending messages to someone they met online, isn’t the point of all this to meet up and ascertain if there’s anything worth pursuing (or not)?

There are plenty of weird guys on there who drop in and out
It isn't weird to drop in and out at all. OLD is a numbers game because you're trying to weed through a lot of people to find a suitable one. You sign up, get a raft of messages, chat to some of those and block a few, meet a couple, then while you go on a few dates with one that's a possible you might stop chatting to all the randoms. That one falls through, so you take a look at who else was in the pot plus anyone new. Sitting at home twiddling thumbs waiting for one person you've never even met to get around to sending a message is the strange behaviour here.

It isn't weird to drop in and out at all Maybe not, but there are weird guys who do and come back with all sorts of weird reasons, which aren't particularly believable. I was catfished twice by two weird guys who did exactly this, albeit many years ago now, but I'm sure it still happens.

For people looking for something serious, it's exactly the point of OLD I would think.

Dating is very hard. I'm 24 and I wish dating for me was how my mom described it was for her. I've been ghosted about 8 times and I'm at a point where I just expect it to happen. I don't do OLD anymore either (sigh)

I wouldn’t bother they have shown you who they are

it is extremely rude but i no longer get into these drawn out conversations if you want to call call meet up then let’s meet up

I no longer do OLD too many negatives attached to it

I wouldn’t with regards to online apps, no. It happens all the time, I do it, I have it done to me. It’s just how it is..

after sex on the other hand..

It's part of OLD. I've never deliberately ghosted anyone, but there have been some I've been chatting with, and then I've been busy with other things (work, evening class, exercise, sleep, driving, housework, supermarket, sometimes other men, whatever...) and suddenly it's been a few days, or weeks, and then you think, why bother? Obviously I didn't miss them much. Though I wouldn't do it if we got as far as agreeing to meet (I have cancelled last minute, but let them know.) And if it ends up in an actual relationship, then ghosting is definitely not okay. But in the early just chatting stages, it's normal- it's not really different from chatting to someone at the bar, popping to the loo and then going back to your mates instead of the guy at the bar.