To think young women just don’t realise... (TW: fertility/ TTC)

[DespairingALittle]

Nc as this combined with various other posts would be outing, this is a bugbear I’ve thought about a lot when ttc myself and something today brought it up again...

Anyhow, AIBU to think ladies In their late twenties who freeze their eggs (or plan to as a ‘failsafe’) don’t realise it’s not a guarantee or the same as ‘pressing pause’ on biology?

This comes about as i was chatting to childhood friend (29, same as me) about kids (I have recently had DS so this is why we were chatting about kids) and she said ‘oh x (school pal) froze her eggs recently, if I haven’t had kids by 33 I’ll do the same, x is so relieved to press pause and take the pressure off’ another friend has also mentioned egg freezing recently for the same reason, both have just said they don’t want the responsibility of kids yet but are in a ‘good’ position to do so ... each to their own but all I could think was that it’s all well and good but it doesn’t guarantee anything! Sadly the demon biology also makes it harder to carry as you age too, it’s not all about eggs!

I just think so many in my generation have the attitude that it will just happen later regardless thanks to science but everyone I know who has had kids or tried to have kids later has struggled (not a guarantee ofc but a statistical probability nonetheless)... interested to hear other people’s thoughts on this. Perhaps this is more of a ‘my circle of friends’ issue than a wider one.

YANBU - it’s a concern, many may end up disappointed in the future, not to mention already falling birth rates etc
YABU - mind your own!

Well the opposite to the idea that ppl are not conceiving bit keeping quite about in their 30s is that most women over 35 are not ttc. So we don’t know how successful they’d be. This is why the data on fertility is poor because we can’t know how high the fertility rate would be post 35 without everyone giving it a go.

Yes. There is a smug patronising tone to the OP. I was lucky and didn’t have fertility issues but find the faux concern in the OP irritating.

My male friend got divorced at 37, decided he was only going to date women 29 or younger, because he wanted children. I think most men know!

I have a friend who ‘worries’ about others. It’s fake and patronising as hell and actually just means she feels superior to them. Her teen daughter has started doing it about her peers and it’s irritating for all their friends.

I am 47 my DCs are 17 and 19, it is not so farfetched to have grown children in your 40's.

And tbh maternity leave was a breeze in comparison with a junior Dr rota. DM was only 56 when DS was born and very happy to babysit so we could party.

As someone who has been targeted by ads for egg freezing, I would say that there is a whole industry around this peddling the idea of this as an insurance, however, you're correct that there is no guarantee. In fact research showed recently that a 40 yr old woman has more chances of conceiving naturally than through this technique - you pay thousands to have this procedure and thousands more to keep them frozen. It's more or less a money-making scheme.

The only time where it is really legitimate is if the woman has a medical problem which can cause early menopause or other fertility issues. But for the average woman it's not actually a great option.

I have a sympathy though with wanting to buy more time. Most young woman simply feel that they cannot afford to have children. Most are renting in house shares well into their 30s and with the COL crisis, things are only getting worse. You can say egg freezing costs money, but no where near as much as having an actual child to care for.

So basically you think your friends are stupid?

@Neurodiversitydoctor mine will be a grown up when I'm 44.

I asked earlier but not sure if it was seen or lost in the sea of other comments. We want to have our babies (either one or two, will play by ear) before DH is 30 which gives us another 5 years. I’m a couple years younger than him. We haven’t begun trying yet but will later this year. Aside from that… I thought there was no real obvious difference for women bearing children in their early 30s versus your mid or late twenties? Surely the risks only increase post 35, slightly, then more and more with each year. I didn’t know there were any lesser biological chances at 32, say.

YAB(slightly)U. Lots of women nowadays are having children in their late 30s and 40s, and naturally too.

I think you are very sensible. If you marry and have children in your early/mid 20s, you will (all being well) have loads of 'couple time' in your 40s. Which is likely to be when you've got a bit more money to enjoy it.

I had my children in my late 20s/early 30s, and I wish I'd had them in my early 20s. We were too conditioned to focus entirely on careers, but nobody ever suggested you could have children and then have a career. I spent 13 years at a high-powered girls' school in the 70s and 80s, and having children was never, ever mentioned as a thing we might do. We were all going to be doctors, lawyers, and engineers, and that was that.

People who talk about "fertility choices" are making massive assumptions. When it actually comes to TTC, a huge number of women find that their fertility hasn't been listening to their "choices".

I’m your age and I know of no one with these views.

No, but you were claiming to the other poster who is 42 with a 1 year-old that by the time her child is 5 years old her contemporaries wouldn’t have dependent children anymore, which is complete nonsense.

Most professional women who become mothers will absolutely still have dependent children by the time they’re 46, it’s laughable to suggest otherwise. Even the ones who had children “at the right age” of 29/30 (according to this thread) will likely have had multiple children perhaps even had their youngest in their late 30s (horror of horrors…).

Thank you so much that means a lot to read you think that. I find it quite hard because generally attitudes to parenting are so negative, ‘you’ll never have money, time, sleep again’, or people saying they want to have two kids under 2 simply to get it over with. Can it really be that bad? Doesn’t seem to be the experience of anyone I know IRL but it keeps being said on here over and over! I don’t fancy being nearing retirement and having to support through uni. Best earning years probably 40s as you say, so plenty time to travel, support DC with house deposit and driving lessons and all the expensive things!

I said some not all. I am often struck by the fact I had a pregnancy scare just before my A-levels (I wasn't pregnant) had I been that child I would have been 36 with an 18 yo. Having DCs early(ish we are talking about 27 here not 17) you may miss out on freedoms in your late 20's / early 30's, although as I said we had very willing babysitters. But you get it back in your mid to late 40's, having given your children the priceless gift of their parents' youth. DS has expressed openly how pleased he is that we are still young enough to enjoy extreme sports with him now he is an adult.

I think the cruellest thing for women is the expectation to have chosen a career, found a partner and made wise financial choices to accommodate a family at an age when most of us just want to fanny around a bit and not take life so seriously and then bam! Hit with the reality of fertility not being a given.

I do think that women should be told more that having kids isn't something they need to have.
That life is fulfilling enough without motherhood.
But then I also think women need to be made aware that if they do want children, then they do have to consider their age to make it as smooth sailing.

It's so difficult and I was shamed for having babies young, but I've friends who've said since 16 "I DONT WANT KIDS" and they've been shamed also.

Essentially, women get the shitty end of the stick in this situation and I think that we should be given more support.

The thing that also goes under the radar is just because older dads have fertility there's no risk, simply not true. The facts show older dad's have more risk of ASD in their children which is hard enough being an asd parent at 20 (like I was) wouldn't fancy it at 55.

It's certainly better than doing nothing. The benefits will be realised most amongst people TTC in their 40s.

And yes we are in our peak earning years while he is at University and learning to drive. We definitely plan to reduce our hours and travel the world once these obligations are over.

I like this perspective. My parents were 35 having me and even though that’s not old, I do feel a bit jealous that my sister has had an extra 10yrs with them and will always have that!

Yes you care about them.

But it isn’t your business to be judgemental over their choices to prioritise other things because it isn’t your personal choice.

Let me tell you what starts to happen in your 50s very commonly.

Menopause. Osteoporosis. Arthritis. Heart disease. COPD. High blood pressure. Diabetes. Cancer. Etc etc

https://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/ss/slideshow-what-to-expect-in-your-50s

I buried my mother at just over 60. Just attended a friends mothers funeral who was 67. DH mother went mid 50s along with other friends parents….

Someone in their 50s is not going to be inclined to make the most out of experiences such as inter-railing or whatever else… they may travel but for many it will be at a slower pace than a person in 20s/30s. Or focus on different activities.

Besides which - if you have children in your late 20s, by 50s you are paying for them to go to Uni, for their driving lessons/cars, house deposit, wedding etc… how when all this is added up is it even possible to afford all the travelling.

Sorry, but I have friends having their babies now late 30s/early 40s - no issues. They have had a fabulous decade of career progression, lovely house, car, life experiences. And they can now afford for kids to have the best.

It’s not a bad choice and worrying after your friends and trying to throw cold water over them choosing to prioritise having fun, is as bad as it would be for them to say you choosing to have a baby right now is a bit crap and you’re missing out etc etc.

Different choices, both should be respected without fretting.

So instead condemn teenagers to deal with this as well as everything else they are dealing with and grandparents in their 80/90's ? No thanks

@knitpicky @strawberryjeans

Part of the problem is education is easier to access (and free!) when you're young. There should be more money made available for people to train later in life. So if you want to have kids earlier you won't lose out on those opportunities.

Jesus OP is 29 not 19 ! Who is still in FT education at 29 ? Very, very few people .

^ This 100% @LeftASituation

Patronising and superior.

She is probably acting so defensive and using this “concern” to validate her own choice because no doubt the friends are going on about fabulous holidays and how free they are to enjoy and have babies later.

(which by the way is not cool either - they should be more supportive of her as a new mum but clearly are oblivious)