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Original poster

how can I convince him I’m not lying

75 replies

moonmoon123 · 22/05/2023 15:09

please don’t say ‘you sound young’ or ‘immature’ I am only 20 and just asking for some opinions and advice.
my partner believes I look at other men/am interested in them etc. I hand on heart have zero interest to look at or think about anyone other then him and our daughter- I am so invested in my family and so in love- I want to spend the rest of my life with him. It’s starting to get to me the way he doesn’t believe me, no matter how much I reassure him he still won’t trust me. he thinks I want to look good for other men but I just want to look good for myself and him, self care is important to me. I don’t need validation from other men and he is more than enough for me. how can I prove how much I love him and only want him?
I haven’t had the best start in life and just want to be settle and content, have good jobs, have a nice home, holidays etc. This is all too much for me now, I feel too old for this shit

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 22/05/2023 15:11

Basically you can’t. It’s all about him. He’s jealous. And probably controlling. If he doesn’t trust you there is no foundation for a healthy relationship.

WeeOrcadian · 22/05/2023 15:11

Why do you feel the need to prove this to him? if he doesn't trust you, why are you wasting your time with someone who is so insecure?

Original poster
moonmoon123 · 22/05/2023 15:12

WeeOrcadian · 22/05/2023 15:11

Why do you feel the need to prove this to him? if he doesn't trust you, why are you wasting your time with someone who is so insecure?

because I love him so much and it’s breaking my heart that he doesn’t realise that.

OP posts:
skippy67 · 22/05/2023 15:13

You can't. He's the problem, not you. So get rid.

Whattodo112222 · 22/05/2023 15:14

I would look up gaslighting and coercive control if I was you.

Scarletthoo2 · 22/05/2023 15:14

If he's that insecure then he needs to clearly grow up. When I was younger (your age) I was with a man just the same and it only gets worse, not better. They either trust you or do not trust you. His insecurities are his problem not yours

RagingWoke · 22/05/2023 15:15

It's about him wanting to control you. He doesn't actually care what you look at, he just wants to know he is in control.

It's a slippery slope from this kind of childish accusation to much worse abuse, he'll see your insecurity and desire to please him and take advantage of it.

Justcallmebebes · 22/05/2023 15:16

You will never, ever be able to prove that you are trustworthy to his satisfaction. However far you go to prove your trustworthiness, he will up the ante.

This behaviour is such a red flag and it won't get better because that is how he is wired

UsernameNotAvailableNow · 22/05/2023 15:16

He does know it, however ot works to his advantage to keep you second guessing yourself and trying harder and harder to prove your love for him

At best it's emotionally manipulative, at worst its coercive control.

How do you prove your love to him currently?

Does he:

  • think you dress too much for other men
  • not like it if you wear makeup out the house
  • get arsey if you see friends/family/ think they're a bad influence etc
  • tell you that you cause his negative behaviour
  • have you treading on eggshells not knowing whether he is going to blow up

This list can go on forever tbh.

Essentially it's not you it's him, please leave and don't have kids with him

Clementineorsatsuma · 22/05/2023 15:18

I know you don't want to hear this but he is a jealous controlling insecure mess.
Why would you love such a man?
You need to leave.

jay55 · 22/05/2023 15:18

He just loves having you bow and scrape. He loves keeping you in the cycle of doing everything to make him feel good and it not be enough.
He's an utter shit messing with your self esteem for kicks.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 22/05/2023 15:19

You will never, ever be able to prove that you are trustworthy to his satisfaction. However far you go to prove your trustworthiness, he will up the ante

Yep

Mabelface · 22/05/2023 15:19

It's really him, my lovely, not you. He's insecure and controlling and no matter how much you try and prove to him that you're faithful, he'll never believe you and it'll get worse and worse. Nothing you do will be good enough, even if you end up with a couple of kids, no friends or family as he's made you push them away and wear no make up and clothes that cover you in your entirety. There's also the possibility of him becoming violent in his bid to control you.

I'd urge you to look at doing the freedom project, which will teach you red flags etc. You can do so much better than him. You're worth so much more.

Maddy70 · 22/05/2023 15:19

Why do you need to convince him? this is his problem not yours and he is being controlling

Every time he says it, ask him why he is so insecure

Repeat

Don't engage in the drama

Frogger8395 · 22/05/2023 15:22

my partner believes I look at other men/am interested in them etc.

He doesn’t believe it because he wouldn’t hang around if he did. He’s pretending to believe it. And you’re supposed to tie yourself in knot’s trying to convince him. Do not get manipulated into doing that.

What happens when he thinks you’re interested in other men? Does he sulk at you, verbally abuse you?

He’s abusive and this will only get worse.

Stompythedinosaur · 22/05/2023 15:24

It isn't your job to fix this man.

It's so easy to get sucked into the idea that if we just give a bit more, we can fix someone, but it doesn't work. You could agree to any unreasonable level of him controlling your life and he will still feel the same, because the problem isn't you.

He can fix it, if he wants to, but you can't.

gamerchick · 22/05/2023 15:25

You're going to lose years of your life to this controlling arse OP. I know there's no point in telling you to dump him, but you will eventually.

Tell him that if he's not happy, the door is over there. You can't make him believe anything. He's going to get worse.

Do no have any more kids with this person and instead, look at what your child is learning about relationships.

LubaLuca · 22/05/2023 15:25

I agree with everyone else, this is his problem to solve. He needs to take a look at his own insecurities.

CharlottenBurger · 22/05/2023 15:25

I have met women of in their 30, 40s, 50s and 60s who have husbands or partners like this. He may or may not actually believe that you are intending to flirt with other men or be unfaithful with them. If he does, then nothing you can say or do will convince him. He may even think all women are like that. If he secretly does not actually believe (or only half believes it) then that's just as bad, because men say things like that to women to keep them guessing and fearful. It's called coercive control. Unfortunately, early in your adult life, you have had the bad luck to fall in love with a bad type of man. Watch out for warning signs. Does he question you about where you have been? Does he try to check your phone or social media? Does he try to make you see friends or family less? Has he asked you to let him track your phone? If you don't break this off (and, sadly, many women don't) then that happy life you want may not happen for a long time, and it won;t be with him.

CharlottenBurger · 22/05/2023 15:27

You are getting a lot of good, wise, guidance from people on here. You made the first step by asking your question. Don't stop there. Don't fool yourself saying 'love will find a way'.

Tinkerbyebye · 22/05/2023 15:28

he is the problem not you and it’s his issue to deal with. I suggest you have a sit down session with him, tell him how you feel about him, but also you have a right to dress nicely for you. Tell him this jealously and insecurity has to stop, and if necessary he gets counselling to help

But be warned, it’s a red flag, if anything he will get worse if he doesn’t get help now

Dartmoorcheffy · 22/05/2023 15:30

This is a sad thread to read. Yes you are young, but that's a good thing as you can get away from him and not have wasted your best years. You may not agree with what I am about to say, but I've been in your situation, thankfully without a child and it won't get better. He's jealous and he's controlling. I absolutely guarantee he will be violent at some point. He will make your life a misery and isolate you from all your friends and family and he will most likely be cheating as its very very common for them to try and blame you to deflect and excuse their bad behaviour. Please don't have any more children with him and have an escape route planned.

Greenlight1 · 22/05/2023 15:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

yellowsmileyface · 22/05/2023 15:31

At best he's deeply insecure, in which case it's up to him to address this issue, it's not up to you to provide sufficient reassurance. As others have said it will never be enough. There's no magical thing you've not yet said that will suddenly resolve things.

At worst, he's not actually insecure at all, and this is all a control tactic.

In any case, it's not healthy to be in a relationship where you're constantly having to prove yourself.

Laurdo · 22/05/2023 15:32

He's either doing it to try and control you or he's projecting because he knows he looks at other women so he reckons you must do the same or he's just distracting you from the fact he looks at other women/is interested in other women. My ex husband used to accuse me and be jealous of me going out without him. Turned out he was cheating. My DHs ex used to constantly accuse him and it was actually her cheating on him. It's so so common.

I'm not saying he is cheating but I wouldn't be surprised if he was, or at least considering it.

Either way, it's not up to you to make him believe you. Either he trusts you or he doesn't. I would advise you to leave him but I know you probably won't so I'd say the next time he brings it up just brush it off with "oh not this again" "this chat is getting boring now". Just cut him off, do not entertain him.