Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

how can I convince him I’m not lying

75 replies

moonmoon123 · 22/05/2023 15:09

please don’t say ‘you sound young’ or ‘immature’ I am only 20 and just asking for some opinions and advice.
my partner believes I look at other men/am interested in them etc. I hand on heart have zero interest to look at or think about anyone other then him and our daughter- I am so invested in my family and so in love- I want to spend the rest of my life with him. It’s starting to get to me the way he doesn’t believe me, no matter how much I reassure him he still won’t trust me. he thinks I want to look good for other men but I just want to look good for myself and him, self care is important to me. I don’t need validation from other men and he is more than enough for me. how can I prove how much I love him and only want him?
I haven’t had the best start in life and just want to be settle and content, have good jobs, have a nice home, holidays etc. This is all too much for me now, I feel too old for this shit

OP posts:
greenspaces4peace · 22/05/2023 15:34

This is called a red flag, you love the idea of him. This insecure trait runs deep and can not be changed.
Please know you have eyes and should be looking at men at women at the environment you need not apologize or feel guilty for looking.

TequilaNights · 22/05/2023 15:35

Is your partner older than you OP?

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 22/05/2023 15:37

You are trauma bonded to him, its a symptom of abuse. Its not love sorry, I know it feels like it, but love is peaceful and calm, what you are experiencing is not. This behaviour is a slippery slope, it gets so much worse. Your early trauma makes you less likely to spot these red flags, and have good boundaries. For the love of future you, and the baby you inside who was not cared for as she should have been, break free from this dynamic and heal your wounds before any more relationships. Time slips away so quickly, you dont want to waste your 20s on this.

WheelsUp · 22/05/2023 15:38

OP You will never be able to fix this man or prove to him that you're not a cheat. He is the one who is young, controlling and should not be in a relationship.
Stick with him and you will be stick with a man who will get progressively worse because he'll have you enabling his bad behaviour by changing who you are and worrying about what he thinks.
You deserve better than this. Relationships should be fun at your age and this man will just bring you down.

MadelineZott · 22/05/2023 15:43

I know it's not what you want to hear but please, please listen to the PPs above. Many are speaking from experience with similar men. It's absolutely impossible to prove that you are faithful and, if you try, you will end up never going anywhere without him, him having control over your phone or other devices, never seeing friends or relatives... basically you will have no life whatsoever. Don't give in to this.

Postbox87 · 22/05/2023 15:43

I have been in a relationship (4 years of hell) with a man like this. In my case it was because HE was interested in/looking at other women, please believe me this is only the start of the controlling behaviour and things will only get worse. Do not pander to him and just leave.

tattygrl · 22/05/2023 15:45

This is a massive red flag.

It should not be an issue even if you were "looking at other men". We all find other people attractive. Acting on that attraction when you're in an agreed monogamous relationship? A problem. Finding people who aren't your partner attractive in your own mind? Not a problem.

Listen. This is not someone you want to invest time and emotion into. He is insecure and is keeping you hooked on this impossible mission of convincing him you only have eyes for him. This is childish, impossible, in bad faith and an utter waste of your time. I wish I could help you see that fully. Someone this insecure is only going to bring you misery.

SargentSagittarius · 22/05/2023 15:49

Sorry OP, there’s literally no advice any of us can give you on how to convince this man that you’re trustworthy and aren’t interested in other men.

Because he’s choosing to behave this way as a means of controlling you.

There is nothing you can do about this, so you’ll either need to accept it, or leave him.

At 20, you’re throwing away your life on someone who doesn’t deserve you. As someone old enough to be your mother, it’s gut-wrenching to watch.

OhBling · 22/05/2023 15:56

OP, you don't sound young. You sound like the many many many other women, of all ages, who are also with (or have been with) controlling manipulative men. Age is irrelevant I'm afraid.

Here are a few things that I bet are already happening or will happen:

  • you second guess what you do and say in case it "triggers" him.
  • You don't go out with girlfriends or other people becuase you know he will just be insecure and needy and so it's not worth it and/or you're trying to reassure him.
  • When he does or says something to upset you, if you challenge him he throws it back at you - "well, I only did/said XX because I was so upset that you were flirting with that man yesterday" or similar.
  • When he is "upset" because of his insecurities, you run around doing everything you can to make him feel better? anything from sex you don't want to doing all the chores to letting him go off with his mates etc etc.

I understand you love him but this is not healthy. As a PP said - if he really believes you're not into him and are looking at other men, why does he stick around?

MzHz · 22/05/2023 15:56

I haven’t had the best start in life and just want to be settle and content, have good jobs, have a nice home, holidays etc.

this tells me what I suspected before I even opened your thread.

you’re in a relationship with an abusive man. Your desperation (or perhaps need is a kinder word) to have a good family has sadly summoned a person who is there to exploit your emotional make up to their own advantage

it’s regrettable that you have already had a child with him, you’ll be linked to him for life now while he will slowly try to wear you down until there’s only a hollow shell of you.

you’ll never have a good family/life with him. He’s going to constantly find issues with you no matter what you do or don’t do.

he’s showing you who he is, pay attention and make moves to get yourself and your baby away from him.

sorry to be so blunt, but there’s a script and he’s following it.

MammaTo · 22/05/2023 15:57

I haven’t had the best start in life and just want to be settle and content, have good jobs, have a nice home, holidays etc.

If this is really important to you then you need to get rid of him now sadly.

He’ll start drip feeding this into the relationship and it’s the start of being controlling as he’s insecure.

Maybe take time to work on yourself and your self esteem so you don’t sell yourself short. Then you can find someone who is secure in themselves to build a life with.

jannier · 22/05/2023 15:59

This will only get worse and more controlling, has he got you to change your outfit yet? Not go out without him? Call him wherever you are or he calls you? Turn up at places he knows you should be?

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 22/05/2023 16:19

@moonmoon123 You can't. He has a jealousy problem. Everything will be a problem for him. If you have a job, it will be an affair with work colleagues. If you're a SAHM it's a dad at school, a friend, even a siblings spouse. He won't ever be happy, he will isolate you from everyone and make you feel worthless.

I had 2 ex's that suddenly got very jealous. Both times THEY were cheating. They found it so easy for them to do without me suspecting they convinced themselves I must be up to it too.

Dump him now and find someone worthy of you. Do the freedom programme to help you learn about healthy relationships and red flags.

Cookiemonstersnana · 22/05/2023 16:22

You love him but he doesn't love you, he just wants to control you.
Please leave and show your child that mum is important too.

TiredButDancing · 22/05/2023 16:22

SIL, after nearly 15 years, has been going back over old emails and text messages from when her and exBIL first got together.... in hindsight, she sees how it all started, mostly with him melting down if she had male friends/ worked long hours (especially with male colleagues)/ went to the gym etc. He found it "so difficult to cope becuase of his traumatic past relationships" he would ghost her for weeks at a time.

Sadly, she didn't see the red flags then. You ARE young so you have a lot of time to move on and find happiness elsewhere. I know that's easier said than done and you say you love him, you have a small child etc. But honestly OP, please please please think about this thread over the coming weeks and months as this will continue and probably get worse.

Roughashouses · 22/05/2023 16:23

I'd put money on him knowing you're not doing anything wrong. He just wants you jumping through hoops, confused and doubting yourself for his own gains.

CharlottenBurger · 22/05/2023 16:25

Controlling men very often home in on women who 'haven't had the best start in life'.

CharlottenBurger · 22/05/2023 16:26

TiredButDancing · 22/05/2023 16:22

SIL, after nearly 15 years, has been going back over old emails and text messages from when her and exBIL first got together.... in hindsight, she sees how it all started, mostly with him melting down if she had male friends/ worked long hours (especially with male colleagues)/ went to the gym etc. He found it "so difficult to cope becuase of his traumatic past relationships" he would ghost her for weeks at a time.

Sadly, she didn't see the red flags then. You ARE young so you have a lot of time to move on and find happiness elsewhere. I know that's easier said than done and you say you love him, you have a small child etc. But honestly OP, please please please think about this thread over the coming weeks and months as this will continue and probably get worse.

"Been hurt before". Classic excuse.

Lazyladydaisy · 22/05/2023 16:27

Please leave.
I spent 5 years in a relationship like this when I was your age (although we had no children together).
It will never get better. You will walk on eggshells until you forget who you are and are briken because if it. Don't do that to yourself or your child.
It might be hard to do, but I don't think it will be something you ever regret.

turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly · 22/05/2023 16:27

Step one is to stop. Stop explaining my love cos he isnt ever going to listen to you.He likes the control of you,of you being upset. I know you think you love this guy but this isnt love. Love comes with respect.care.decency. He is playing an awful game with you I promise you he is. In your 20s you should be having so much fun and adventures and laughter and joy. This is not that at all. The only reason I know this is because I have been round the block so many times you would be dizzy!! I know what he is doing to you and he will grind you down sso much you wont recognise yourself soon. Please respect yourself enough to get out of this mess my darling girl it is so not worth it. Kiss a few more frogs and find a prince worthy of you ..he is out there waiting for you promise.This person is so not that.

Qbish · 22/05/2023 16:29

OP, as everyone else has said, these are really, really big red flags.

He is gaslighting and controlling you. He is making you beg to be good enough for him.

He won't change. You can - by leaving.

TiredButDancing · 22/05/2023 16:30

@CharlottenBurger Yup. Nowadays, if a friend or someone on MN talks about how her DP is traumatised from his "crazy" "bitch" "other word" ex and that's why he does x or y, I immediately put him in the massive red flag category in my head.

I'd give a great deal for 30 minutes over a glass of wine with exBIL's ex.....

ModestMoon · 22/05/2023 16:30

I agree with every single person on here. It's him, not you. You are fine. It's ok to want to look nice. Do you know what, even if you did like the feeling of other men finding you attractive that would be fine. But he is completely in the wrong. He's being controlling and manipulative. It suits him to have you constantly second guessing yourself.

If you want to stay with him, you need to stop playing his game. Stop reassuring him and placating him. Every time he brings it up say calmly and clearly "I don't know what you're talking about" or words to that effect. Don't get drawn into a discussion about it. If he tries to tell you what to wear tell him "Don't be ridiculous I am old enough to choose my own clothes". If he accuses you of looking at other men simply ignore him. If it continues tell him very clearly that you are sick of this shit and if he continues you will leave. This is your only hope of saving this relationship. Refuse to engage, and then escalate to show that you are not prepared to put up with it. You have to be prepared to follow through, though. If he doesn't change you will have to leave.

turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly · 22/05/2023 16:33

OP please listen to us all . We cant all be wrong! Do yourself the biggest favour ever for you and dump him.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 22/05/2023 16:34

You can't do anything, it's all him. You could remain firm every time he brings this up "this is your problem not mine. I am not doing anything wrong so we are nor discussing this". Every single time. It won't make much difference but if you insist on staying in this relationship then you will have to maintain your own boundaries. Do not let him shrink your world. This is his aim.

Swipe left for the next trending thread