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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First world problems - who should go on holiday?

81 replies

EmmetEmma · 21/05/2023 21:05

My husband and I live more as friends. We have three children. We often don’t have money to go on a big family holiday, but we came up with the idea that we could perhaps go away separately with the children.

My husband went away with my son in January for a long weekend.

I have just come into a bit of money and want to take the girls away - I could possibly take them out of school for a few nights and we were considering going to Egypt. My son thinks this isn’t fair as he didn’t get to miss school when he went to Morocco and he wants to come and to pay the cost of it from his savings - I think the girls think that’s unfair and potentially also don’t want to be over ruled on various things by their brother.

I can’t think how to make it fair - going to Egypt would cost the same per capita as my son and husband spent but I don’t want my son to feel left out or unwanted - but equally he has already had a trip.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2023 22:40

00100001 · 21/05/2023 22:19

So bizarre.

You didn't have much money, so decided to send DH and DS on a small trip away, with no indication that there'd be any more money coming for holidays.... So the girls were never going to get a holiday?

Why wouldn't you just save up and go away as a family at a later date?

This is what gets me.

You didn't know you'd have this money so DS got a lovely weekend away in Morocco with Dad whilst you, to your knowledge, had no intention of the girls going away.

If a weekend to Morocco costs £2k and the family holiday to Egypt for you all is £6k you either spend 2k all going to Devon or you save 4more k.

Original poster
EmmetEmma · 21/05/2023 22:41

@saltinesandcoffeecups it wasn’t a plan. It was probably more than anything a lack of a plan.

it seemed like a nice thing for my husband and son to go and watch a football game - which eventually evolved into Morocco - with the idea that at some stage my daughters and I would go and do something fun when a bit more money came in.

Obviously, it would have been better for neither trip to happen and for us to put the money aside for a big family holiday but that didn’t happen for a variety of reasons, some of which were valid - and some less so.

I am not doubting that this hasn’t worked out well, or that it would have been better to have thought it through more fully. I have completely agreed with that.

I was asking which option people thought was the most fair with where we are now.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2023 22:42

Honestly it sounds like ab elaborate mess to no go away with your husband.

Is the marriage worth keeping?

Blip · 21/05/2023 22:42

You will probably find it more comfortable in Egypt when you have a man with you so I would take DS.

ModestMoon · 21/05/2023 22:43

I find the idea of telling my own son that he can't come on holiday with me, even if he's paying for it himself, pretty terrible. Imagine your DS sat at home while you're having a great time in Egypt, knowing that you didn't want him there even though it wouldn't have coat you a penny.

Forget the money or the fairness: you are telling him loud and clear that you don't want to spend a holiday with him. You're suggesting that your girls don't want to spend a holiday with him either, because he overrules them. You are the parent. It is your job to make sure that a child is not overriding the other children. You don't just leave the more vocal child at home because you can't or won't step in.

If your girls complain, make it clear that DS is paying. If they still complain, tell them to buckle up their ideas. You are a family and if one of you wants to come away with the rest then he bloody well can, and if there's any more moaning then they can stay at home instead.

sunsetoranges · 21/05/2023 22:43

Just the girls this time.

No using savings for holidays, I'd put boundaries in place for savings use like 'when XX age' or 'for an item to keep/ use' as ds could regret using his money if he doesn't enjoy the trip (you'd feel guilty) or he could use it against you and say he needs to choose activities etc as he paid...

Bottom line is he had his holiday, now dd's turn. Then next year a discussion for all about how they're worked- you don't know til you try these things.

Don't be hard on yourself you're doing your best and yes take them in school time it's ridiculously cheaper!

PinkyFlamingo · 21/05/2023 22:50

What an odd set up just because you and your DH won't holiday together. Get a divorce and then holiday separately with all your children.

Itsanotherhreatday · 21/05/2023 22:52

Why not take all three kids and your DH can take the girls another time. That makes it fair. Excluding him from the trip is a terrible way to treat your child. I couldn’t do it.

Your DH excluded the girls, so be like him.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 21/05/2023 22:53

EmmetEmma · 21/05/2023 22:41

@saltinesandcoffeecups it wasn’t a plan. It was probably more than anything a lack of a plan.

it seemed like a nice thing for my husband and son to go and watch a football game - which eventually evolved into Morocco - with the idea that at some stage my daughters and I would go and do something fun when a bit more money came in.

Obviously, it would have been better for neither trip to happen and for us to put the money aside for a big family holiday but that didn’t happen for a variety of reasons, some of which were valid - and some less so.

I am not doubting that this hasn’t worked out well, or that it would have been better to have thought it through more fully. I have completely agreed with that.

I was asking which option people thought was the most fair with where we are now.

I think you re where you are now and are going to cause resentment no matter what you choose. Have you explained this to the kids?

Original poster
EmmetEmma · 21/05/2023 22:53

@ModestMoon that is absolutely what I worry about him thinking. I agree that it is my job to parent.

Thank you so much @sunsetoranges - I genuinely did just think it would make it easier for everyone to get to do something they want and to have a bit of a treat - my husband in particular has had a shit time recently and I thought it would be a nice break for him, and my son was really excited about it - and enjoyed it very much. I didn’t think it through properly. But it was always the intention that the girls would have a chance to go somewhere and do something which would appeal particularly to them when we got a chance.

I am not at all trying to avoid a holiday with my husband - I would love to see him get a chance to relax and have fun with his children. It’s just we do live quite separate lives so perhaps the idea of us having separate holidays isn’t as horrifying to us as it might be to some couples.

OP posts:
XelaM · 21/05/2023 22:53

No need to be dramatic about getting divorced just because they didn't go on holiday together. I went away with my dad a few times without my mum (for football games abroad for one 😃) because she either had to work or didn't want to go. It's not the end of the world to go on separate holidays with kids a few times.

Atishoos · 21/05/2023 22:54

First of all, the last place on earth I would go as three females is Egypt. Just a personal opinion having been there as a group of three ahem, mature women and it was hassle hell. Not to a resort but the usual sights. Hurghada is a kip where we had a couple of nights R+R. OK I'm biased by my experience. Glad I got there, but never again!

Go with the girls for a short break to Malaga for example. They will love the shopping, the restaurant/tapas quarter, the beach, easy to get to and civilised! There are so many nice places out there though, Egypt as a mum and two daughters is not one of them. IMO.

Oh and I think girls only is the right approach. The boys had their fun already and it appears the girls didn't have a strop about that.

CC4712 · 21/05/2023 22:57

Are the children all from the same parentage? If not, this could fuel the fire even more!

Given that this is a screwed up scenario already IMO, I'd take the girls on a weekend away- Eurostar to Paris, spa weekend away, short trip abroad to even things up.

Then- I'd save and have a family holiday with everyone included. No more spit trips in future.

Original poster
EmmetEmma · 21/05/2023 23:00

@Atishoos - good point about the hassle! Thank you! Malaga is a fab idea! Thank you so much

@CC4712 - yes, totally the same parentage. I think I shall do that - we will do a short, equal length of time Malaga trip and save for a holiday all of us.

OP posts:
CC4712 · 21/05/2023 23:01

*No more SPLIT trips I meant to write, not spit! 🙄

CC4712 · 21/05/2023 23:05

OP- If you do go to Malaga, I've been several times and always stayed in 'Malaga city' not the many Brits abroad beach resorts along the coast. Lots to see an do, 3 euro bus from the airport, beach, prommenade, amazing fruit/veg market, great restaurants/cafes, castle, picasso museum and more. A day trip via an easy train trip to Ronda to see the bridge is amazing. (Never thought I'd rave about a bridge!) Look it up though. I would 100% return to Malaga on a girls trip- not Egypt!

Original poster
EmmetEmma · 21/05/2023 23:05

I liked the spit trips - I thought it was a niche expression - like Lickety- spit - hasty and perhaps ill thought our

but I just googled that and realised that is Lickety-split not spit at all!

OP posts:
Original poster
EmmetEmma · 21/05/2023 23:06

That sounds awesome! Thank you!

OP posts:
CC4712 · 21/05/2023 23:11

Pre-covid, I stayed at Santa Cruz apartments which have various room sizes to choose from. It was near the fruit/veg markets with several grocery stores nearby, including an aldi. Having an apartment gave us the option to eat out, but also cook breakfast if we wanted or re-heat food for snacks.
Santa Cruz Apartments Malaga | Welcome (santacruz-apartments.com)

Santa Cruz Apartments Malaga | Welcome

Santa Cruz Apartments offers you several luxury apartments for your holidays or business trips in the centre of Malaga, (Andalusia, Spain)

https://www.santacruz-apartments.com/index.php?lng=en

Atishoos · 21/05/2023 23:30

The Santa Cruz apts are in a great location, I'm getting withdrawal symptoms here for Malaga city! For OP, the main shopping area is in Calle Molina Larios, and the tapas places and restaurants - hundreds of them and a great buzz - are around the Cathedral area. I can also recommend a walk down to the newly refurbished port area, and the beach is right there too, Playa Malagueta. Oh I envy you, it will be a great few days. Enjoy.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 21/05/2023 23:54

This whole thing is a mess. If son is willing to pay for himself then it says a lot about how much he really wants to go. And taking them for different lengths of time is unfair.

Also strikes me as odd that you apparently can't afford much but can afford all these holidays abroad...

Agree with PP. Book a long weekend for the girls to match what DS and DH had in Morocco and save up for a full family holiday later.

ToddlerIs2 · 22/05/2023 00:05

I am not at all trying to avoid a holiday with my husband - I would love to see him get a chance to relax and have fun with his children. It’s just we do live quite separate lives so perhaps the idea of us having separate holidays isn’t as horrifying to us as it might be to some couples
Perhaps tho it's all the more reason to do a, daily holiday. You live separate lives more as friends. Personally you either need to make the effort to do stuff as a family like this, or consider if it's better to co-parent in your own homes.

aloris · 22/05/2023 05:06

Your son paying for his trip with his savings goes not work because how is your primary age daughter going to get similar savings to do something like that? Is she going to go to work or what? (no, of course she is not). It would just make your daughters feel less equal, not more so.

I think a short trip to an equivalent type destination is a good idea, just to make things equal for now. Then if everyone is enthusiastic about going to Egypt, save up and go as a family and take the menfolk.

PinkyFlamingo · 22/05/2023 09:24

XelaM · 21/05/2023 22:53

No need to be dramatic about getting divorced just because they didn't go on holiday together. I went away with my dad a few times without my mum (for football games abroad for one 😃) because she either had to work or didn't want to go. It's not the end of the world to go on separate holidays with kids a few times.

It's nothing to do with them wanting separate holidays, thays just a symptom, it's more tbe fact she describes them ad just frie ds and now they live separate lives, not much of a marriage to me.

musicforthesoul · 22/05/2023 10:10

I think maybe this is just because you were planning egypt. That's a proper bucket list destination for a lot of people if you were planning on pyramids/Valley of the Kings etc sightseeing, so I can see why your son desperately wouldn't want to miss out.

I think the Malaga idea or somewhere that's more equivalent to the Morocco holiday just for the girls is best, then save up for everyone to go somewhere together next time.