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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex’s fiancé posting my 4 year old

94 replies

fouetter · 21/05/2023 16:40

My husband and I haven’t finalised our divorce but he is already engaged to his girlfriend, that he’s be secretly with for 10 years. My husband has not spoken to me in a year since i discovered her existence. She is now posting my 4 year old son on social media, and my lawyers complained to his lawyers it was inappropriate, and to my surprise, his lawyers countered the fact I had a private account dedicated to my son (set up within the marriage for mine and my husband’s friends and family), that I was hypocrite as I have an account. But I am his mother… My lawyers seem to think little I can do. I have never met this new fiancé , and think this is inappropriate she is posting our child. Would anyone have any advice?

OP posts:

CheezePleeze · 21/05/2023 21:45

fouetter · 21/05/2023 16:56

Thank you. I am just concerned for our son, and seemed rather odd and not in his best interests.

Posting photos of children on the internet is never in a child's best interests, it's only ever in the interests of the adults involved.

Somewhere in all this, is a child too young to give any of you permission to put their images online.

truthhurts23 · 21/05/2023 22:15

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 21/05/2023 17:23

She has permission from the child's father.

She doesn't need OP's permission as well.

Show quote history

you're right there are TWO parents , so if the dad says its OK and the mother is not OK with it , why does the dads rights overshadow the mothers ?
if the girlfriend was a decent person she wouldn't want to post the photos knowing that the mother is not OK with it

Tlolljs · 21/05/2023 22:30

How can she be a catholic if she’s been shagging your husband for 10 years? Pretty sure that’s not allowed.

adviceneeded1990 · 21/05/2023 22:35

KarmaStar · 21/05/2023 16:47

Post on her page how sad it was that strangers felt entitled to post photos of another woman's children and without seeking the mum's permission.state she unequivocally does not have any authority or agreement in place to post them so please remove them.
but you know what? I wouldn't look any more at her or his social media.
They are going one way in life,you have a new life,a better life,ahead of you.So concentrate on your happiness and future.🌈

She has the child’s fathers permission though…

Peanutlatte · 21/05/2023 22:40

Starlightstarbright1 · 21/05/2023 17:38

On top of everything else posted if his solicitor asks something that is child related - not a legal matter reply yourself or not at all - save your money .

also get used to parallel parenting - you won’t be co parenting with someone who won’t .

it’s hard so much has been out of your control - focus on what you can

Never heard of this, how can I parallel parenting please? My ex doesn't want to discuss anything about our daughter. Not education, activities, meals, nothing..

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2023 22:47

truthhurts23 · 21/05/2023 22:15

Show quote history

It isn't about sex.
If op gets engaged and she's OK with her partner posting odorous of the child online, the Dad also doesn't get to veto it.

SchoolTripDrama · 21/05/2023 22:52

fouetter · 21/05/2023 16:56

Thank you. I am just concerned for our son, and seemed rather odd and not in his best interests.

If you report each image to Facebook and select the option stating that the child is yours and the child is under 13, then Facebook will remove them

Theunamedcat · 21/05/2023 22:57

Well he has set the precedent now so when you move on and get a new partner he cant complain cam he

truthhurts23 · 22/05/2023 01:01

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2023 22:47

It isn't about sex.
If op gets engaged and she's OK with her partner posting odorous of the child online, the Dad also doesn't get to veto it.

Show quote history

Im not making about sex,

actually if the OP had a boyfriend and he was posting photos of the child online , the dad would have every right to ask him not to do it .
the point is that posting other people children online is not OK

AnotherDayOfSun · 22/05/2023 04:51

Your ex and his girlfriend sound utterly shameless, not to mention aggressive. I am afraid you may have bigger fish to fry than just the occasional social media post. The calling her "mommy" and talking about her "saving" your child is very unsettling. I would be very careful. Always focus on what is best for your son, but be prepared to defend yourself from them.

And the converting to Catholicism "for her" is so hypocritical, given their behaviour over the last ten years! I'm not sure how annulments work, but it will be very interesting if the church needs to interview you as part of the process. I'm sure they will get a different perspective from what your ex is telling them!

RedRosette2023 · 22/05/2023 06:00

You do not need the other parent’s permission for holidays.

https://fb.watch/kGI42Diwwx/

See posts, photos and more on Facebook.

https://fb.watch/kGI42Diwwx/

WandaWonder · 22/05/2023 06:20

Why does 'I am his mother' mean more than a father agreeing with something, if he has no problems

I do not think children should be on social media at all but you are both his parents

letshaveanicecuppatea · 22/05/2023 17:04

Delete your son's page. Seriously, he's 4 and won't miss it. Explain to family and friends why. If you desperately want him to have it then wait a while and set up a new account in a made up name and without his photo as the profile pic. Use an old female school friends name and make it private. If there's nothing there to argue about you won't be wasting money on lawyers and you wont have to worry about ex and his gf.

EsmeSusanOgg · 22/05/2023 17:31

fouetter · 21/05/2023 19:00

The annulment on the fact he now claims we were an unholy alliance. I would laugh, as no actual grounds and I married an atheist, if not my life. I think it’s another pressure tactic, to appease her parents (she is only 28 and quit her legal job, moved from US for a married man with a family) or simply they want to have a wedding in church. As her deep Catholicism, his planned conversion obviously at odds with their infidelity and how my son is being treated in this.

Yes have a great counsellor and seeing a specialist for coercive o troll, as blinkers off and realise his bullying and gaslighting extreme. Not just in premeditation and affair but on every level. Ordering me which toilet I could use. And what I could do in each one! Stopping me driving.

The seeming immaturity/ fantasy narrative of new partner, and his history of control, worries me so much as I want to protect our son ABOVE ALL. Xx

I hope you said no to the annulment request. I would ensure his Catholic priest is aware that he cheated on you, and she knowingly slept with a married man for years. Her narrative around 'saving' your child is very concerning. I would be flagging that with lawyers and social services as potential parental alienation. Do not allow them 50/50 or primary custody. Push for primary custody of your son with then having occasional weekends. Do not give them the annulment in order to make their affair seem something it was not.

EsmeSusanOgg · 22/05/2023 17:34

aSofaNearYou · 21/05/2023 18:58

I've never met my DSS's mum and have zero interest in doing so. Be careful with that - it doesn't confirm or deny anything about whether she'd be a decent step parent, or comes across just like a power play from the ex and will not increase the likelihood of her having a positive relationship with your child, which you should want.

And it doesn't really matter if you think she's doing it to look good, it doesn't make it a legal/safeguarding issue.

Show quote history

The rhetoric around 'saving' them. And claiming OP's marriage was an unholy alliance... If that isn't a concern I am not sure what is!!

Also, I presume you are not the affair partner of your DH? OP's situation is different.

EsmeSusanOgg · 22/05/2023 17:39

Carryonkeepinggoing · 21/05/2023 21:31

That is actually something OP CAN legally take steps to prevent. She can refuse permission for travel abroad. They can go to court to ask for permission to be granted by the judge but OP would then be able to voice her concerns (if she had genuine concerns) and they would basically be required to prove they were not trying to kidnap the child - return tickets, school place for the following year, jobs in the UK from which they are only taking holiday etc.

Show quote history

This isn't automatic. You only need permission from the other parent if there are open proceedings in place. OP absolutely needs to make sure her solicitor is on this and that it is not possible for the father to take the child abroad without her consent.

aSofaNearYou · 22/05/2023 18:45

*The rhetoric around 'saving' them. And claiming OP's marriage was an unholy alliance... If that isn't a concern I am not sure what is!!

Also, I presume you are not the affair partner of your DH? OP's situation is different.*

Yes she sounds batshit in a few ways, but that doesn't really affect whether her posting pictures with only dad's consent is an issue legally. Similarly, her being an affair partner doesn't really make a difference.

Laurdo · 22/05/2023 20:28

Peanutlatte · 21/05/2023 22:40

Never heard of this, how can I parallel parenting please? My ex doesn't want to discuss anything about our daughter. Not education, activities, meals, nothing..

Show quote history

Co-parenting implies cooperation. Working together for the best interests of the child. When that's not possible parallel parenting is what happens. My DH parallel parents with his ex as her values and parenting style do not align with his. He's tried discussing things with her, raising concerns etc but she does not care, is volatile and wants to turn everything into an argument. So she "parents" the way she wants to and so do we. Unless there are real safety issues, neither comment on how the other parents. Not ideal for the child as they often have to live in 2 houses with vastly different boundaries and rules but sometimes there's not much you can do.

If your ex doesn't want to discuss those things with you there's not much you can do. You can only do what you feel is best for your child on your time and allow him to parent how he wants to on his time. It's tough but really you can't control someone else's behaviour. The sooner you learn to detach from how your ex parents the better. It's just wasted energy as he won't change.

Shadowworry · 22/05/2023 20:49

All of this needs to go to the court but your solicitor needs to send letters saying

our client requests that your client uses to app …. That the court ordered on ……. He has refused so far - could your client please a start date and inform us by return
our client has been told by third parties (get them to write a statement if they will or confirm it by text or screen shot her Facebook) see attached evidence that xxxx who is the new partner of xxxx is telling mutual friends that she is a new mommy, this is her son, she is saving him - etc all of these things are not correct and are determential to xxxx’s emotional and mental well being. Xxxx has two parents xxxx who is the one and only mother and yyyt who is the one and only father. No one else should be using these terms as it is disrespectful to the parents and confusing for …… for xxx to say she is a saving a child - could your client explains what she means - it must not be said in front of the child or indeed calling their marriage unholy or not valid is not acceptable to my client or in the interests of the child. See the previously submitted marriage certificate.
once again our client asks that your client engages in mediation with the aim of saving court time and in the interests of coparenting.
our client does not and will not agree to annulment - they were legally married

regards
solicitor

do it through the solicitor then you can prove you tried

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