Ex’s fiancé posting my 4 year old

[fouetter]

My husband and I haven’t finalised our divorce but he is already engaged to his girlfriend, that he’s be secretly with for 10 years. My husband has not spoken to me in a year since i discovered her existence. She is now posting my 4 year old son on social media, and my lawyers complained to his lawyers it was inappropriate, and to my surprise, his lawyers countered the fact I had a private account dedicated to my son (set up within the marriage for mine and my husband’s friends and family), that I was hypocrite as I have an account. But I am his mother… My lawyers seem to think little I can do. I have never met this new fiancé , and think this is inappropriate she is posting our child. Would anyone have any advice?

I've never met my DSS's mum and have zero interest in doing so. Be careful with that - it doesn't confirm or deny anything about whether she'd be a decent step parent, or comes across just like a power play from the ex and will not increase the likelihood of her having a positive relationship with your child, which you should want.

And it doesn't really matter if you think she's doing it to look good, it doesn't make it a legal/safeguarding issue.

I know that the law says otherwise, but personally, yes. I think parents should have the right to veto what non-parents put on social media. I think if the ex wants to say that OP's mum can't post pictures of their DC that's fair enough. I don't have DC on any social media, and if be beyond upset if someone I'd never even met started posting photos of them.

The annulment on the fact he now claims we were an unholy alliance. I would laugh, as no actual grounds and I married an atheist, if not my life. I think it’s another pressure tactic, to appease her parents (she is only 28 and quit her legal job, moved from US for a married man with a family) or simply they want to have a wedding in church. As her deep Catholicism, his planned conversion obviously at odds with their infidelity and how my son is being treated in this.

Yes have a great counsellor and seeing a specialist for coercive o troll, as blinkers off and realise his bullying and gaslighting extreme. Not just in premeditation and affair but on every level. Ordering me which toilet I could use. And what I could do in each one! Stopping me driving.

The seeming immaturity/ fantasy narrative of new partner, and his history of control, worries me so much as I want to protect our son ABOVE ALL. Xx

OP

Sorry this has happened and they sound like they deserve each other.

It is not her son, you are his Mum. Not her; no matter what she will never be his mother.

Catholic? I am one have had all my Sacraments as far as Confirmation and I am pretty certain having sex with another woman's husband is a no no!

I am not a regular church goer though.

I can’t totally understand that you’re upset about, well loads of things. Quite rightly.

But, the thing is, you are getting divorced. They are getting married. She’s his stepmother and that is going to be the family life your DS has with his father.

You can’t do anything about that. It’s just is how things are and the only thing you can do is try to detach and concentrate on the time you spend with your son. Trying to do anything else will only upset you further.

You don’t have to be happy about any of this obviously. But it might help you to have some counselling to help you to accept it and to focus on the things that are within your control.

Jesus Christ this whole situation is enough to drive anyone mad. Poor you and poor son. You're right, they are not working in his best interest, getting the poor little boy to call her mummy and spinning a fantasy narrative. Remember, you don't know what he's told her, for all she knows she is saving a child. What's the split like, how often does he see them?

All you can do is be a strong grounding anchor for your son. You are his mummy. He knows that. You are his one and only mummy, no matter what anyone says, and because you are his mummy he will trust and lean on you. If he reports back something like that, just give a reassuring breezy response that shows you're not bothered ("did they darling? Oh that's funny. Would you like some toast?") . Eventually this relationship might blow over, and even if it doesn't, your son will eventually see it for what it is.

You can't stop her unhinged behaviour on SM, but it's highly unlikely to do her any favours. The best thing you can do is not respond or react in any way, difficult though it is. They are both getting a kick out of hurting you. Take that power away from them, and your advice to what is a truly appropriate response from your lawyers only. Don't waste your time fighting such pettiness.

As for the rest of this sorry narrative, so he met her when she was just seventeen, and she's been waiting around on the periphery of his life for an entire decade whilst he plays happy families with his wife and son. I find this so unutterably pathetic that I'd even feel pity for her, were she not deliberately now rubbing your face in it by setting herself up as your son's 'mother' and claiming to be rescuing him. That is such disgusting, needlessly spiteful behaviour that it's difficult to imagine how much lower a person can sink. But looking beyond the spite, it's sad.

This silly woman has expended the best years of her youth on a married man and is now crowing because she's finally walked away with her 'prize'. Keep in mind, though, that he is the one who firstly took advantage of her youth and naivety, and secondly is egging her on in this childish behaviour.

You'll be free, able to process this and having moved on with your life by the time she discovers that this prince among men is hardly the prize she imagined. And it's well-evidenced that he really isn't. He's already treated both you and she with unimaginable callousness for a whole ten years. He's let her waste some of her best years whilst he kept his cake, ate it and made tiramisu out of it as well, until finally, he's taken the insulting timescale of a decade to make up his mind he wants her.

Her embarrassing odyssey is unlikely to bring her any ultimate happiness. Any woman with an ounce of pride would have been long gone. I hope all this is some comfort to you, OP, as you come to terms with what's been done to you. You really are better off rid.

YANBU I don’t think anyone other than the parents should be posting photos of their kids.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it and if your ex says it’s ok then she has every right to.

Can you put a mon her instagram telling her to stop posting pictures of YOUR child? Connasse! I’d go mad at her.

Yes

I don't have Facebook but if I did I would never ever put my Nephews' photos on it without asking my brother and his wife first.

Your Ex and That Woman sound like absolute nightmares.

Agree.

This would be far better dealt with face to face.

Agreed. This app is good.

And pick your battles. This doesn't seem one worth fighting, however annoying

Good lord they both deserve each other.
Try your best not to engage. I agree with the poster who said every time your son mentions his prick of a father of the tart he is shagging say “Dud they, would you like jam or marmalade on your toast?” Change the subject every single time.
Do not enter any conversation with her. She has already got the booby prize-your vile soon to be ex.

This would drive me nuts too. I'm of the opinion that no child should have a digital footprint before they are old enough to consent to it. I'm curious to know what the effects of chimdren having their daily lives will be once they are adults. At the moment we just don't know.

Children having their fault lives put on the Internet *

The Ex’s fiancée did ask… she asked the child’s father. OP might not like it and the ex’s behaviour is questionable at best (let’s face it he has cleared groomed a young woman from her teens) but the new fiancée posting photos of her son online sounds to be the least of her problems.

Provided that the photos of the child aren’t inappropriate, it’s not really the OP’s concern what is posted online.

The father who broke his marriage vows and the family home? Thinking with his penis obviously.

I think it is absolutely the OP's concern.

The Fiancee has no business doing this and unless she is a total idiot as well as a trollop she knows this.

She’ll have her own child soon enough, I expect.

Apparently a lot of people on here don't understand that she's posting these photos and declaring this child "her child". The exhusband is telling the child to call her "mummy". Along with the woman's US ties I would be concerned he would abscond with the child at some point.

I assume his father has given her permission so yabu.

This isn’t going to go well for them. Everyone who knows you knows the ´saving a child’ and ´unholy alliance’ talk is absolute batshit and few reasonable people are likely to put up with listening to it for long. They may well convince a few people who don’t know you that there’s something wrong with your home or your parenting, unfortunately, but even then, most people know to take that stuff with a pinch or salt and that many people with a ´crazy ex wife/girlfriend’ are actually just trying to gloss over their own bad behavior. Anyone who is ever told of the time line - she’s 28, they met ten years ago, he has a 4 year old son with you - is immediately going to know that they are the issue, not you.
Concentrate on your son. Be his safe space where things are predictable and almost always positive and all the important everyday boring stuff happens like talking about school and doing homework and regular showers and teethbrushing, and healthy food and bedtime stories and favourite games and mum listening to him and not telling him things he knows are nonsense. He’s only 4 now but sometime in the next 10 years he’s absolutely going to stop cooperating with nonsense like calling someone mommy who isn’t.
Ignore nonsensical solicitor’s letters and don’t waste money sending them. Only communicate about things that you must agree with your ex on - like contact dates. He’s been ordered to use OFW so you can absolutely use it and expect him to use it. Word things in a way that that doesn’t require a reply but shows that you are sticking to whatever the court ordered and are avoiding getting drawn into any unnecessary drama. Aim for business like, respectful but unemotional, and precise.
eg. ‘If these dates/times/school choices are not acceptable to you, please reply with your own suggestion using OFW or via your solicitor by Xdate. If I do not hear anything from you I will assume you agree with the dates/times/school choice I have suggested and proceed with plans.´

That is actually something OP CAN legally take steps to prevent. She can refuse permission for travel abroad. They can go to court to ask for permission to be granted by the judge but OP would then be able to voice her concerns (if she had genuine concerns) and they would basically be required to prove they were not trying to kidnap the child - return tickets, school place for the following year, jobs in the UK from which they are only taking holiday etc.

I expect she’s had permission, from the child’s father!!!

This sounds incredibly hard for you. My best friend’s ex is engaged to a woman who seems to dedicate her entire (excessive) SM to gushing posts about her fiancé and bff’s daughter. Going so far as to post photos of herself with best friend’s little girl on Mother’s Day with the comment “behind every great step mum is a great mum who stepped up when no one else would”. 🤢

I think all you can do is block her. She sounds young and insecure about her relationship. Anyone with any sense looking on will see the desperation in her posts.

He must've had a lot of explaining to do when you got pregnant. Your poor son being told to call her Mum. That is really really shocking.