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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I rude/cheeky?

70 replies

PaintDiagram · 20/05/2023 23:39

DP is currently midway his busy period at work. This week he’s not finished work until 9/10pm, today he was out of the house by 7am, he won’t be home tonight until midnight (he’s had to do emergency cover), and next week work will be similar.

I’m also 6 months pregnant, exhausted (I’m trying to support DP) and my patience is running thin.

My mum came to visit yesterday/today and after some hinting she left this afternoon. She never seems to leave as she’s never just visited for the day, and quite often will stay a few days. She’s asked me to ‘give notice’ when I want her to leave as she needs to mentally prepare for the journey - she never leaves of her own accord and would easily stay four days before I started to be firm of how long she’s welcome for. She’ll also find excuses of why she should stay longer/why she can’t leave. She’s got good intentions but she’s hard company to be around at the best of times.

I called DP with the good news that she had left. Great, a day of no plans tomorrow, spending quality time together and recharging.

Mum calls, she’s left her bag here and needs to collect it tomorrow. I kindly ask her if she could make it a flying visit as we’re really not in the mood to entertain more than a cup of tea. Apparently since I’ve been pregnant I’ve been rude and it’s a bit cheeky for me to expect her to do a two hour round trip with ‘just a cup of tea’.

she did sound quite offended and now I’m feeling quite bad. I know this is a non issue but I’m quite hormonal and I know I’ve got absolutely no patience these days.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 20/05/2023 23:41

Doesn’t sound like it to me. Plus a 2 hour round trip is barely anything. I’ve had longer round trips to work. I think your boundaries need stepping up before baby arrives

Saucemonkey · 20/05/2023 23:43

She should have taken her bag with her. This is not your fault at all.

EL8888 · 20/05/2023 23:44

Saucemonkey · 20/05/2023 23:43

She should have taken her bag with her. This is not your fault at all.

My cyclical side thinks she deliberately “forgot” the bag

Original poster
PaintDiagram · 20/05/2023 23:50

It has crossed my mind that she may have deliberately left the bag as she was pretty keen to stay for tomorrow but she’s not a great actress and she was pretty flustered that she may have lost her bag.

OP posts:
Original poster
PaintDiagram · 20/05/2023 23:56

EL8888 · 20/05/2023 23:41

Doesn’t sound like it to me. Plus a 2 hour round trip is barely anything. I’ve had longer round trips to work. I think your boundaries need stepping up before baby arrives

Two hours is nothing to us either - I’m tempted to drop it off in the morning but it does change the whole dynamic of the chill out day tomorrow.

She is an anxious driver and to her, an hour journey is a day trip. I’m thinking if popping in for a cuppa isn’t enough to break up the journey she does know others in this area, or she could go shopping etc.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2023 23:58

Meet her half way. Problem solved.

Notimeforaname · 20/05/2023 23:58

Just tell her u have to go out after her short visit and no, she cant come.

buckeejit · 21/05/2023 00:01

May have been deliberate leaving the bag. Have you other children? I know being pregnant is exhausting but imo it depends how much else you have on. If you're working & doing all the housework, it's a lot for you at the minute. However I've lost both my annoying parents in the last 18 months & I'm glad I made allowances for them. Don't let her walk over you though, be honest & do your best.

Also you could just post it special delivery to save her the trip?

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 21/05/2023 00:05

Two hours I wouldn't do for a cup of tea. I would for a visit of a few hours. It's not a drive that needs an overnight stay. Can you post her the bag, or can she pick it up next time she comes?

BodegaSushi · 21/05/2023 00:06

Courier it to her via Evri or something. I forgot something at a friend's a couple hours drive away and send her a prepaid label all via the app. She could print the label in store.

Original poster
PaintDiagram · 21/05/2023 00:18

I’m thinking that I’ll just drive over in the morning. With Sunday traffic I should be able to do the journey in less than two hours. I’m used to driving so two hour round trip is nothing (I don’t actually mind driving).

I’m sure mum will think I’m being rude for not wanting to hang out tomorrow as I’m just going to act as a courier service.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 21/05/2023 00:18

You need to get on top of this before the baby is born. Is she lonely? How often does she visit? Do you ever visit her? Do you invite her or does she invite herself?

I would suggest making it clear before she arrives how long the visit will be, so there’s no need for giving notice, mental preparation and hinting.

Mum: “I thought I might come and see you next week”
You: “Ah, no, we’re busy next week but how about Friday and Saturday the week after?”

Or

You: “Would you like to come and visit Monday & Tuesday next week?”

Or

You: “Can I come over and visit you soon? When would be a good day?”

etc

whynotwhatknot · 21/05/2023 00:19

its her fault so yes she should just come and go hur there and back is nothing

BodegaSushi · 21/05/2023 00:21

PaintDiagram · 21/05/2023 00:18

I’m thinking that I’ll just drive over in the morning. With Sunday traffic I should be able to do the journey in less than two hours. I’m used to driving so two hour round trip is nothing (I don’t actually mind driving).

I’m sure mum will think I’m being rude for not wanting to hang out tomorrow as I’m just going to act as a courier service.

Much cheaper to courier it than to pay for petrol, but you do you

Haywirecity · 21/05/2023 00:32

I can't ever imagine,saying to anyone that I wasn't in the mood to spend time with someone unless I'd had an argument with them. So that does sound rude to me.
But your whole set up is weird, with her just living an hour away and calling to stay indeterminate amounts of time. So maybe I'm harsh and you and your mum just have an original type of relationship going on.

Soundofshuna · 21/05/2023 00:34

Why don’t you offer to meet her half way?

Haywirecity · 21/05/2023 00:38

BodegaSushi · 21/05/2023 00:06

Courier it to her via Evri or something. I forgot something at a friend's a couple hours drive away and send her a prepaid label all via the app. She could print the label in store.

Not Evri! 😱 She'd never see it again. She'd be on the phone constantly asking you where it was!

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 21/05/2023 00:44

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 21/05/2023 00:05

Two hours I wouldn't do for a cup of tea. I would for a visit of a few hours. It's not a drive that needs an overnight stay. Can you post her the bag, or can she pick it up next time she comes?

Oh wait, I just noticed it's a two hour round trip, not two hours each way. My mistake. That's definitely easy for a quick visit. I'd probably have told her that after not being home much you and DH finally have a day together to spend time, so she's welcome for a quick cup of tea for this one day, but it's your day with DH. Or just that you have plans with DH so she can stop by quickly at x time before you head out. White lie but a bit gentler.

hulahooper2 · 21/05/2023 01:21

That does sound rude , I wish I still had my mum and would love to spend time with het

LadyJ2023 · 21/05/2023 01:24

Sounds rude to me but then again have a great relationship with my mum love nothing more than a visit and chat or stay overs

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 21/05/2023 01:52

I don't think you sounded rude at all. You've had her over for a few days already and want some time with your partner, completely understandable. I'm super close with my Mum but even I'd be saying the same thing in this situation. Plus being pregnant does try your patience more.

RedRobin100 · 21/05/2023 01:57

Tell her you’ll leave it out on the doorstep for her to collect..

Thack · 21/05/2023 02:26

Pp has hit the nail on the head, you need boundaries before baby arrives. She doesn't see your need for space and once her 'right' to see DGC kicks in, or she claims she's helping you by being there, she'll get even more offended when you tell her to go.

Set a leave date/time whenever she first arrives. It's your home, you are not obligated to host indefinitely.

Kitkatcatflap · 21/05/2023 03:03

Imagine your mother reading what you have written about her. I called my DP with the good news that she had left ..... Rude and disloyal.

blahblahblah1654 · 21/05/2023 03:47

My mum lives 2 hours away. She visited this week, arrived by 10 and left 4 the same day! She doesn't need to be hanging around for days! She probably left her bag there on purpose. Does she have other hobbies, friends etc? You were perfectly polite and direct and not rude at all.