Page 3 | Was I rude/cheeky?

PaintDiagram · 2023-05-20T22:39:01+00:00

DP is currently midway his busy period at work. This week he’s not finished work until 9/10pm, today he was out of the house by 7am, he won’t be home tonight until midnight (he’s had to do emergency cover), and next week work will be similar. I’m also 6 months pregnant, exhausted (I’m trying to support DP) and my patience is running thin. My mum came to visit yesterday/today and after some hinting she left this afternoon. She never seems to leave as she’s never just visited for the day, and quite often will stay a few days. She’s asked me to ‘give notice’ when I want her to leave as she needs to mentally prepare for the journey - she never leaves of her own accord and would easily stay four days before I started to be firm of how long she’s welcome for. She’ll also find excuses of why she should stay longer/why she can’t leave. She’s got good intentions but she’s hard company to be around at the best of times. I called DP with the good news that she had left. Great, a day of no plans tomorrow, spending quality time together and recharging. Mum calls, she’s left her bag here and needs to collect it tomorrow. I kindly ask her if she could make it a flying visit as we’re really not in the mood to entertain more than a cup of tea. Apparently since I’ve been pregnant I’ve been rude and it’s a bit cheeky for me to expect her to do a two hour round trip with ‘just a cup of tea’. she did sound quite offended and now I’m feeling quite bad. I know this is a non issue but I’m quite hormonal and I know I’ve got absolutely no patience these days.

pictoosh · 21/05/2023 08:42

Can I ask...do you want her to stay for days? Does your husband like having her there for that time?
If not, what would you consider an acceptable length of visit?

Quite frankly, with her being an hour away I would consider an overnight to be generous hosting.

HadEnough2023 · 21/05/2023 08:42

My dp live 4 hours away and they do fly by visits for the day sometimes!
I'd meet halfway or drop to hers. You need to set some boundaries before the baby is born otherwise she'll always be there by the sounds of it.

pictoosh · 21/05/2023 08:43

I agree that now is the time to establish boundaries, whatever those might be.

ImustLearn2Cook · 21/05/2023 08:44

“I kindly ask her if she could make it a flying visit as we’re really not in the mood to entertain more than a cup of tea.”

If you really did say that you’re not in the mood to entertain more than a cup of tea then I can see why that could be a bit jarring.

Much kinder and more polite to say that you have made plans so can only have enough time for a quick cup of tea.

TedMullins · 21/05/2023 08:52

not rude at all. It’s not rude to want time to yourself and not want to see anyone. I don’t know why some people can’t accept that and would rather someone lied about having plans? normalise telling people you just can’t be arsed!

Babsexxx · 21/05/2023 10:21

This comment is everything people love to assume mothers are all holy….. really no mention of how rude it is that the mother is out staying her welcome or using tactics .

BodegaSushi · 21/05/2023 10:53

Haywirecity · 21/05/2023 00:38

Not Evri! 😱 She'd never see it again. She'd be on the phone constantly asking you where it was!

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😂 I know that’s their reputation but I use them all the time and have never had an issue. I’ve sent all my vinted stuff with them, and I got my clothing that I left at my friend’s. I even get a gold chunk of my Amazon deliveries sent through them, I much prefer them to Royal Mail!

BodegaSushi · 21/05/2023 10:57

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/05/2023 04:38

You know some peoples Mums aren't saintly wonderful paragons of virtue, right?

Some peoples Mums are annoying; no personal boundaries; narcissists; abusive arseholes; theives; liars; racist.... all the things a human can be, applies to Mums just as much to everyone else. Producing a child does not make someone automatically wonderful!

My Mum was shit, when she died I was relieved.

I know other peoples Mums who are great, but they still wouldn't want them to turn up and then hang around for days!

OP I don't think its at all unreasonable that your Mum comes over, has a brew (half an hour!) and then goes home with her bag. Or that you drop it off instead. Not rude in the slightest, clear and to the point and perfectly acceptable.

Exactly this. Healthy boundaries are ok, it's not like OP never sees her. But a lot of mumsnetters like to be doormats and martyrs.

BodegaSushi · 21/05/2023 10:58

That being said I do think OP is being a bit of a martyr as well, still insisting she do all that driving when there are other options.

ImustLearn2Cook · 21/05/2023 11:33

TedMullins · 21/05/2023 08:52

not rude at all. It’s not rude to want time to yourself and not want to see anyone. I don’t know why some people can’t accept that and would rather someone lied about having plans? normalise telling people you just can’t be arsed!

It really wouldn’t be a lie that she had plans. Planning to spend some time alone or with your partner or planning on staying home and not socialising is just as valuable or important as plans to go out and do something.

mrstea301 · 21/05/2023 13:46

hulahooper2 · 21/05/2023 01:21

That does sound rude , I wish I still had my mum and would love to spend time with het

Sorry, but this comment really frustrates me - not everyone has the same type of relationship with their mother. It's not necessarily bad, but not everyone is best friends with their mums and that's ok. I feel like this type of comment is quite judgmental and sanctimonious.

pictoosh · 21/05/2023 13:56

I agree. You DO have plans, plans to enjoy your dh and home. Plans to unwind.

phoenixrosehere · 21/05/2023 14:25

Willmafrockfit · 21/05/2023 06:58

it sounds rude to me, after a 2 hour journey, then back home.
good idea to drive the bag to her yourself

She should have remembered her bag then.

It’s not OP’s responsibility to return something her mother left. Her mother is an adult and it is on her to remember to take her things before she leaves someone’s home.

Nice of OP to return it but it takes away from OP’s day to have to do so.

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/05/2023 14:37

countrygirl99 · 21/05/2023 08:16

I take it there are a lot of people who are quite happy for their mum to just turn up and stay for days with no plans of how long even if she only lives an hour away?

Oh they'll be the same people as per a previous thread, who are happy to stretch meals planned for 2 adults and 2 kids into meals suitable for 4 adults and 2 kids, with zero warning. Must own magic food cupboards and fridges, and never have a single plan they can't incorporate someone else into or change to fit someone else without notice.

As someone else mentioned, given half of MN doesn't answer the door if they aren't 100% sure they know who is on the other side, and that they have an appointment... I don't understand how this is possible really.

Blackbirdsinthgarden · 21/05/2023 14:59

I don’t think you’re rude at all. You need time by yourself/with your partner. You must both be exhausted, with your pregnancy and his long hours.

On another note - why does she need her whole bag? Is it her purse/wallet with bank/credit cards that she needs? Bus pass if she has one? (Although she drives, so that shouldn’t really apply). Just send the whole bag special delivery or better still just her bank card or credit card, special signed for delivery. If you send it tomorrow it will be with her Tuesday at the latest. Surely she doesn’t need the whole bag, just the contents. I think it’s just an excuse to come and stay again so you need to set some boundaries before the baby arrives.

These comments may be irrelevant, of course, as you may have decided to deliver the bag today.

LookItsMeAgain · 21/05/2023 19:33

@PaintDiagram - did you return your mum's handbag?

Godlovesall26 · 21/05/2023 19:39

Sorry too late for now, but next time I’ve had them shipped with dpd or similar. I had two 20k suitcases shipped from a closer Western European country when I moved, with Brexit taxes (they’re freaking not insignificant!) I think it was around 100 each. Obviously that’s expensive (no choice as tendinitis involved), but I’d think for 2hours inside the uK for a simple bag for 1-2 days would be much, much less ?

Godlovesall26 · 21/05/2023 19:44

Godlovesall26 · 21/05/2023 19:39

Sorry too late for now, but next time I’ve had them shipped with dpd or similar. I had two 20k suitcases shipped from a closer Western European country when I moved, with Brexit taxes (they’re freaking not insignificant!) I think it was around 100 each. Obviously that’s expensive (no choice as tendinitis involved), but I’d think for 2hours inside the uK for a simple bag for 1-2 days would be much, much less ?

Sorry that was meant to say I would have had them shipped. You pay more for priority ie quicker, I’d imagine for you that could be same day (me 2-3 days). She can pay of course. I mean of course unless you’re in financial hardship, I’m just taking a wild guess that given my prices (it was door to door as well, because it was entirely because of the arm tendinitis, it’s cheaper in a pick up point, the classic ones), yours would be very low. I couldn’t say if there have been price increases, but the idea is basically it depends on distance, weight and taxes. Obviously I used an international company but very sure the English one was dpd.

Godlovesall26 · 21/05/2023 19:47

Blackbirdsinthgarden · 21/05/2023 14:59

I don’t think you’re rude at all. You need time by yourself/with your partner. You must both be exhausted, with your pregnancy and his long hours.

On another note - why does she need her whole bag? Is it her purse/wallet with bank/credit cards that she needs? Bus pass if she has one? (Although she drives, so that shouldn’t really apply). Just send the whole bag special delivery or better still just her bank card or credit card, special signed for delivery. If you send it tomorrow it will be with her Tuesday at the latest. Surely she doesn’t need the whole bag, just the contents. I think it’s just an excuse to come and stay again so you need to set some boundaries before the baby arrives.

These comments may be irrelevant, of course, as you may have decided to deliver the bag today.

Sorry didn’t see your post, very good point about just the contents, I needed those strong suitcases for my type of shipping (basically, calculating, it turned out cheaper to send my own appliances, etc, rather than re buying, and it was for a student visa so already skint!)

Godlovesall26 · 21/05/2023 19:48

Godlovesall26 · 21/05/2023 19:47

Sorry didn’t see your post, very good point about just the contents, I needed those strong suitcases for my type of shipping (basically, calculating, it turned out cheaper to send my own appliances, etc, rather than re buying, and it was for a student visa so already skint!)

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Iirc correctly those suitcases alone weighed decently!
Hope this gives you a little hope for a similar scenario in the future OP