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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I rude/cheeky?

70 replies

PaintDiagram · 20/05/2023 23:39

DP is currently midway his busy period at work. This week he’s not finished work until 9/10pm, today he was out of the house by 7am, he won’t be home tonight until midnight (he’s had to do emergency cover), and next week work will be similar.

I’m also 6 months pregnant, exhausted (I’m trying to support DP) and my patience is running thin.

My mum came to visit yesterday/today and after some hinting she left this afternoon. She never seems to leave as she’s never just visited for the day, and quite often will stay a few days. She’s asked me to ‘give notice’ when I want her to leave as she needs to mentally prepare for the journey - she never leaves of her own accord and would easily stay four days before I started to be firm of how long she’s welcome for. She’ll also find excuses of why she should stay longer/why she can’t leave. She’s got good intentions but she’s hard company to be around at the best of times.

I called DP with the good news that she had left. Great, a day of no plans tomorrow, spending quality time together and recharging.

Mum calls, she’s left her bag here and needs to collect it tomorrow. I kindly ask her if she could make it a flying visit as we’re really not in the mood to entertain more than a cup of tea. Apparently since I’ve been pregnant I’ve been rude and it’s a bit cheeky for me to expect her to do a two hour round trip with ‘just a cup of tea’.

she did sound quite offended and now I’m feeling quite bad. I know this is a non issue but I’m quite hormonal and I know I’ve got absolutely no patience these days.

OP posts:

EllandRd · 21/05/2023 04:26

You really are rude to your poor mum, you are pregnant not dying, whst mmm it's you who is unreasonable and hard to be around.

EllandRd · 21/05/2023 04:29

hulahooper2 · 21/05/2023 01:21

That does sound rude , I wish I still had my mum and would love to spend time with het

Exactly this, and posters agreeing with her! It's an awful way to treat your mum, I would never treat my mum like that, you only have one, be kind.

OctaviaPole · 21/05/2023 04:34

OP don't feel guilty. I love my mum and get on well with her but we don't do extended visits. If every time your mum visits you're never sure when she'll leave that is a challenge. She's effectively imposing herself on you and deciding what you'll do. Does she expect you to properly treat her like a guest? What would happen if you just got on with your life? Or is she happy just to be at yours? I get wanting her to leave because guests are stressful even if they're family.

Ragwort · 21/05/2023 04:35

Suggest you meet her half way ? People are saying you are rude but equally your mum is being just as rude by overstaying her welcome. I have a very elderly, widowed mum but she is very conscious of not imposing herself on me ... almost to the extent where I am asking her to stay longer.
Why does your DM stay so long if she only lives an hour away? Is she very lonely?

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 21/05/2023 04:37

RedRobin100 · 21/05/2023 01:57

Tell her you’ll leave it out on the doorstep for her to collect..

Unbelievably nasty! Why would you do that to your mum ???

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/05/2023 04:38

You know some peoples Mums aren't saintly wonderful paragons of virtue, right?

Some peoples Mums are annoying; no personal boundaries; narcissists; abusive arseholes; theives; liars; racist.... all the things a human can be, applies to Mums just as much to everyone else. Producing a child does not make someone automatically wonderful!

My Mum was shit, when she died I was relieved.

I know other peoples Mums who are great, but they still wouldn't want them to turn up and then hang around for days!

OP I don't think its at all unreasonable that your Mum comes over, has a brew (half an hour!) and then goes home with her bag. Or that you drop it off instead. Not rude in the slightest, clear and to the point and perfectly acceptable.

Ragwort · 21/05/2023 04:53

If you meet half way you've each got a half hour's drive to get there ... meet somewhere for a quick coffee and you are then 'in control' of leaving to get back home. And be more assertive in future ... why not visit your mum in her home, or make it clear 'we'd love to see you on Sunday for lunch but it not convenient to stay overnight'.
I have an adult DS and wouldn't dream of imposing myself on him.

SargentSagittarius · 21/05/2023 05:02

hulahooper2 · 21/05/2023 01:21

That does sound rude , I wish I still had my mum and would love to spend time with het

There’s always one.

I’m sorry for your loss, and I too would love nothing more than to still have my Mum and spend time with her.

But what’s my late Mum, being lovely and easy to be around, got to do with the OP’s situation?

She has a Mum who descends for days on end, who doesn’t seem to appreciate her daughter’s needs and wishes, and who guilts and emotionally manipulates her.

I can see why she might treat the situation differently from those of us with lovely, easy, considerate - and yes, much missed - Mums.

Time4achangeagain · 21/05/2023 06:07

OP, your post made me feel sad that my future adult children (now small) might be desperate to get rid of me when I visit. I had a tricky mum too so I’m not judging. In what ways is she difficult? (so I can avoid it in future!). Is there a way you could make her stays more fun for you so you’re not waiting for her to leave?

IglesiasPiggl · 21/05/2023 06:36

I would meet her for a coffee half way. One hour round trip each, and you can leave as it suits you.

BrassTrim · 21/05/2023 06:44

I think it's rude. I'd never say that to my mum. I might say by the way we've got plans to go out at x so why don't you come at y. But only if I had actual plans.

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 21/05/2023 06:52

So much projection on this thread!

OP, some people just can help themselves, so don't worry about the guilt-trippers

autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 06:55

You are not unreasonable. She seems to have a sense of entitlement on your time. You don't owe her anything , spending time together should be by mutual agreement. You will definitely need better boundaries when baby comes. I'd do a mix of visits to her, meeting for a walk etc so you are in control of when you leave. And whe you invite her to yours include a leaving date/time. Be firm and explain you are busy. Also encourage her to see friends/do hobbies etc. For this occasion I'd drive over otherwise you are going to feel bad.

Willmafrockfit · 21/05/2023 06:58

it sounds rude to me, after a 2 hour journey, then back home.
good idea to drive the bag to her yourself

GoodChat · 21/05/2023 07:01

Tell her you've got plans tomorrow.

You have got plans. To chill. She doesn't need to know what the plans are.

PuppyMonkey · 21/05/2023 07:20

Leave the bag outside your front door so she can just pick it up and be on her way without disturbing you and your DP at all.

happinessischocolate · 21/05/2023 07:41

Willmafrockfit · 21/05/2023 06:58

it sounds rude to me, after a 2 hour journey, then back home.
good idea to drive the bag to her yourself

It's a 2hour round trip, so an hour each way.

I've done longer drives to get to work 😂😂

Willmafrockfit · 21/05/2023 07:53

oh an hour!
that is different.
but i still feel op was rude and unwelcoming

GracePalmer33 · 21/05/2023 07:59

Since you don't enjoy the current set up/dynamic you have with your mum about her coming for random amounts of unknown time.. why haven't you done anything to change it?! It's baffling to me that if it frustrates you, you haven't thought of a solution or tackled it? Have you tried and she just doesn't listen? That's frustrating if so but you're going to have to get firmer or communicate more clearly if you want this to change..

"Hi mum, do you fancy coming over next week - how about Monday to Wednesday afternoon- what do you think?"
"Ah no sorry mum, I have plans on Thursday so it'd have to be Wednesday"

"I really just need some time to myself /some time with DH this week but let's arrange a couple of days the week after.. how about XYZ"

"Oh wow mum this was unexpected.. Please let me know next time youre thinking of coming because then we can properly arrange it and I can prepare. We actually have a lot going on tomorrow so you'll need to be heading off mid morning, okay?"

Would a regular set day/days work for you? My mum comes every Friday lunchtime and that's just become our "day". We see each other outside that but I always know she's coming then. Maybe if she knew she was always going to see you on a certain day she might be less likely to want to overstay her welcome

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 21/05/2023 08:13

Willmafrockfit · 21/05/2023 07:53

oh an hour!
that is different.
but i still feel op was rude and unwelcoming

OP has plans .

She doesn't have the time and energy for another extended visit where her mum forgets to leave.

That's not rude and unwelcoming, that's having healthy boundaries in place.

countrygirl99 · 21/05/2023 08:16

I take it there are a lot of people who are quite happy for their mum to just turn up and stay for days with no plans of how long even if she only lives an hour away?

pictoosh · 21/05/2023 08:29

Be honest. You're never going to get anywhere with this unless you can be decent, honest and stand your ground. She will want to stay more when the baby arrives and she's already with you a lot...nip this in the bud.

Hi mum, I'm not available today because I want to spend some time with dh and catch up with other stuff. I can meet you with your bag. xxx

Stick to that approach. Be pleasant but don't apologise for having a life, interests or relationships outside of her that need attending to. You're not doing anything wrong.

Willmafrockfit · 21/05/2023 08:30

if she arrives and doesnt know how long for, you need to step up,
tell her,
stay til X day

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/05/2023 08:37

I wouldn’t mind my mum coming for an extended stay because she is easy company and not overbearing. I wouldn’t expect DH to feel quite so easy with his MIL.

if your mum needs to prepare, perhaps set the boundary up front that she’s not staying over, or staying for one night or whatever. I’m amazed an hour trip is anything over that a visit for the day unless you had evening plans.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 21/05/2023 08:38

countrygirl99 · 21/05/2023 08:16

I take it there are a lot of people who are quite happy for their mum to just turn up and stay for days with no plans of how long even if she only lives an hour away?

Half of MN spend their days hiding behind sofas and not answering the door without a prearranged appointment,confirmed in writing, in duplicate so I seriously doubt it.

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