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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

lack of thought - 60th birthday presents

54 replies

Geordiescot · 20/05/2023 20:51

So my hubby got me really rubbish presents for my 60th birthday. He has always got rubbish presents but I thought/ hoped he might have made an effort for a big birthday. I said I would like him to get me something special that would mean something. I ended up with a crap candle, a man's jumper from George, a hoodie (George), a 60 th birthday card game and some other crap I can't even remember. When I spoke to him about it and expressed my disappointment he said "it's just not me". To be fair his other birthday/Christmas presents have also been crap and we've been together for 25 yrs. AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Aspargustips · 20/05/2023 20:55

Why not tell him something specific or a list of ideas if you wanted something and he’s shit at gift giving?

some people just aren’t good at present buying 🤷‍♀️

ChangedForEmbarrassingQuestions · 20/05/2023 20:57

Some people are just not present-type people. I’m not, I have literally no idea what to get people, so I don’t. I’ll wish them a fabulous birthday if I see them and I remember, otherwise it’s just not something I’m aware of. I also don’t expect anything for my birthday/Christmas, and I just feel it’s less pressure that way.

Is he loving to you? Does he make cups of tea/tell you interesting things/hug you/show his love and affection in other ways? Are you happy in the relationship apart from this?

MayBeeJuneSoon · 20/05/2023 21:00

You set him up to fail and are the master of your own disappointment here...

silverspoonsz · 20/05/2023 21:02

What kind of presents do you give him?

Somanycats · 20/05/2023 21:03

You are unreasonable in that you knew it would be crap, and it was. For my 60th, I wanted a holiday. I said 'Lets go on this cruise for my birthday ' We did. I wanted dinner out with family. I said 'book the suchaplace for 15 and invite the usuals' He did. I told him the Lego, puzzles and perfume I wanted. He got them. I talked loudly about my birthday to DS and at work. No one forgot!

WhereMyRosemaryGoes · 20/05/2023 21:03

I do understand your disappointment, OP.
I think this is one of those situations where you need to think realistically about what you can change and what you can't. My husband is also crap at presents. Many years ago, I made some rules:

  • You are not to buy my birthday present from a supermarket, a petrol station, or a computer shop.
  • You absolutely HAVE to wrap presents and not present them in the carrier bag they came in.
  • Birthday presents should be on the day. Not early or late.
I suppose he cheerfully sticks to the rules because while he doesn't care about presents, he does care about me.

It's not foolproof, but it helps to have some explicit guidance.

WhereMyRosemaryGoes · 20/05/2023 21:04

PS - happy birthday OP!

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 20/05/2023 21:04

So you've been together 25 years and your husband has always been crap at buying presents (from your point of view). For your 60th you instruct him to get you something "special" and (shocker!) you're disappointed that he hasn't magically turned into someone who can select the perfect gift?

Yes, YABU. You know his history, if it means that much to you then tell him exactly what you want. It's not like he didn't make any effort, he's just crap at choosing gifts that you actually want. Silly thing to get upset over, especially since there's such a simple solution!

marshmallowmatcha · 20/05/2023 21:05

Why is he giving you a man's jumper from asda? There's nothing wrong with it if you are in fact a man but I don't think you are. Hand him a divorce at christmas.

Sissynova · 20/05/2023 21:06

So he has always done shit presents for 25 years and you randomly expected this to be different? Then yeah YABU.
Why would he suddenly make an effort at 60? Why not 50? 40?

I have no idea why people carry bitterness like this for so long in a relationship. If it’s important to you, you should have sat him down 24 years ago and pointed out the effort you make for his birthday, what sort of things you would appreciate for yours.
At that point you’ve laid it out, he can either make an effort because it’s important to you or you can decide whether or not he’s making enough of an effort for you.

Oysterbabe · 20/05/2023 21:06

I'm sure he tried. Some people find choosing presents really hard. It stresses me right out, I do my best and DH still never seems particularly pleased with his presents.
Tell him what you want.

GoodChat · 20/05/2023 21:08

marshmallowmatcha · 20/05/2023 21:05

Why is he giving you a man's jumper from asda? There's nothing wrong with it if you are in fact a man but I don't think you are. Hand him a divorce at christmas.

Why do you jump straight to divorce?
She might often wear men's jumpers. They're a nicer fit and comfier most of the time.

Wishawisha · 20/05/2023 21:09

Aspargustips · 20/05/2023 20:55

Why not tell him something specific or a list of ideas if you wanted something and he’s shit at gift giving?

some people just aren’t good at present buying 🤷‍♀️

Yes this. I always try and have a frank conversation with DH ahead of either of our birthdays or Christmas about what we want / expect.

I’m not a big one for presents myself and I’m not great at ideas for other people. Very occasionally I’ve wanted something substantial and we’ve always discussed it in detail… I’m not really a surprise person either.

I’d be really upset if my DH wanted a fuss for his birthday but didn’t help me out in telling me what kind of thing he wanted (or better yet, exactly what he wants) and was then disappointed.

I know it’s not how everyone works. Some people think discussing presents beforehand kind of ruins it but we’re all wired differently. I don’t really understand the idea of wanting something and hoping that someone else picks up on your hints.

marshmallowmatcha · 20/05/2023 21:10

GoodChat · 20/05/2023 21:08

Why do you jump straight to divorce?
She might often wear men's jumpers. They're a nicer fit and comfier most of the time.

Show quote history

Clearly not or she wouldn't be pissed off.

I say divorce because life is too short for this rubbish.

BungleandGeorge · 20/05/2023 21:14

Surely everyone knows a candle and a couple of jumpers from asda are hardy an indulgence worthy of a 60th birthday.

AllAboutBread · 20/05/2023 21:18

If it's always been shit, why would it change now? He clearly needs more direction with this kind of thing.

BungleandGeorge · 20/05/2023 21:20

Wishawisha · 20/05/2023 21:09

Yes this. I always try and have a frank conversation with DH ahead of either of our birthdays or Christmas about what we want / expect.

I’m not a big one for presents myself and I’m not great at ideas for other people. Very occasionally I’ve wanted something substantial and we’ve always discussed it in detail… I’m not really a surprise person either.

I’d be really upset if my DH wanted a fuss for his birthday but didn’t help me out in telling me what kind of thing he wanted (or better yet, exactly what he wants) and was then disappointed.

I know it’s not how everyone works. Some people think discussing presents beforehand kind of ruins it but we’re all wired differently. I don’t really understand the idea of wanting something and hoping that someone else picks up on your hints.

Show quote history

I think the issue is that some people want to see that the gift has had some sort of thought or effort put in. It’s not about getting ‘stuff’ but about feeling that the person who should know you best has invested some effort in thinking of a present. Now sometimes people are then picky and ungrateful but I don’t think that’s the case here as a couple of mens supermarket jumpers sounds pretty rubbish.

Aslanplustwo · 20/05/2023 21:32

Ffs - you turned 60, your DH has always been a rubbish gift buyer, and you continue to moan. Are you really not capable of buying something for yourself and calling it your birthday gift, or telling/showing your DH a selection of things you would like? When I turned 60 my DM, who has mild dementia, forgot my birthday (I couldn't visit her on the day, she would probably have remembered if I had), my DF and my ex-DH gave me money as usual. That was it. My parents are no longer with us, so future birthdays will involve my ex-DH giving me money and a possible gift from a friend. However, I'm perfectly okay with that - because I am not a child!!! Maybe it's time you grew up.

workemails · 20/05/2023 21:36

He has always got rubbish presents but I thought/ hoped he might have made an effort for a big birthday.

I think there is a difference between being rubbish at gifts and putting effort in. I have a close friend who takes lots of time and effort to choose my birthday gifts and no expense is spared...but they're never quite me. She likes to buy me lovely jewellery themed to my life (my dog breed, my favourite flower design or a hobby i partake in) but I do not wear jewellery (excluding engagement/wedding band). She also has a penchant for buying me beautiful silk scarves from top end stores, always in my favourite colours and patterns. I hate scarves. She is buying me things that she would love to receive but I have never, in 15+ years of friendship, used anything she has given me unfortunately.

Maybe your husband just isn't into gift giving. Maybe in future give him a list of 20 items, ranging in price and ask him to surprise you from it. Or give a vague list like "candle. scarf. chocolates" and see what he comes back with (this is obviously the risky option though).

DappledThings · 20/05/2023 21:36

I'm shit at present buying too. Knowing it was for a big birthday would make it even more stressful and less likely I'd succeed.

For my mum's 70th I got her a necklace and a collage i had printed of 70 photos of her throughout her life. I think she liked them but she's excellent at showing gratitude even if it isn't what she wants.

Some people just aren't good at buying presents and there was zero chance he was going to suddenly discover a talent for it in time for your 60th.

Original poster
Geordiescot · 20/05/2023 21:44

Ouch! Are you this harsh in real life?

OP posts:
Original poster
Geordiescot · 20/05/2023 21:44

Ouch! Are you this harsh in real life?

OP posts:
DappledThings · 20/05/2023 21:49

Geordiescot · 20/05/2023 21:44

Ouch! Are you this harsh in real life?

Was that to everyone who has replied or anyone specific?

Lcb123 · 20/05/2023 21:49

I don’t think you are being unreasonable but I don’t know why you’d expect any different. You should have given him specific suggestions. DH and I rarely get each other surprise gifts

JaceLancs · 20/05/2023 21:52

Sometimes you just have to take charge
it’s my 60th next year and I have already informed DC and DP that I expect a holiday - out of U.K. and for 4-7 nights
where etc is up to them
I have done my bit for their special birthdays - now it’s my time

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