lack of thought - 60th birthday presents

[Geordiescot]

So my hubby got me really rubbish presents for my 60th birthday. He has always got rubbish presents but I thought/ hoped he might have made an effort for a big birthday. I said I would like him to get me something special that would mean something. I ended up with a crap candle, a man's jumper from George, a hoodie (George), a 60 th birthday card game and some other crap I can't even remember. When I spoke to him about it and expressed my disappointment he said "it's just not me". To be fair his other birthday/Christmas presents have also been crap and we've been together for 25 yrs. AIBU to be upset?

@DappledThings it was aimed at @Aslanplustwo presumably, as their post is unnecessary

If you have been together for 25 years unfortunately 24 years ago you should have said "Right for birthdays and Christmas we do wish lists. Here is mine....".
It's kinda not his fault if you haven't said anything for 25 years.
Lesson learned for next Christmas.
Anyway......Happy Birthday 💐

YANBU for being disappointed. But YAB a bit U to expect him to change after 25 years. If you’d told him you wanted a nice pendant or a trip to somewhere specific do you think he’d have done better with some guidelines? Perhaps he wouldn’t but just telling him to get something special might not have done the job.

Of course you want to feel like he cares and that you’re worthy of thought and effort on a special occasion, most people do! But you might have been overly optimistic given his past behaviour.

Not really relevant but do you think the two tops are actually ones he wants and he’ll end up using? That might indicate his motivation better.

Even if he is crap at choosing gifts surely he could have booked a nice weekend away or something. Yanbu.

By 40 we didn’t need “stuff” so gifts are memories. Theatre trips, weekends away, music concerts etc. a jumper is just a thing we’d buy if we needed a jumper.

I voted that you were unreasonable

Why, after all this time, did you expect him to come up with something marvellous when he hadn't before?

I was asked for a list from my family and they chose what they wanted to buy from that. Win-win

I like jewellery so I send dh links so he knows what I like.

I think it's hard to imagine how stressful buying gifts is for people who don't like it or aren't good at it. I come from a very gift giving family (the women: the men seem to get a free pass). It's awful. They put loads of thought and effort into every gift, they want to watch you open it and have a detailed explanation of where they got it and why it reminded them of you. They do this between each other and seem genuinely delighted both by giving and receiving. I hate it. Partly it's that I don't like stuff. I own very few nonpractical objects, and absolutely hate fawning over the details of some item. I have no idea what to get anyone, I hate the time and the pressure and the big massive fucking explanations. I feel guilty knowing that the things they spent ages choosing for me will end up in a charity shop. My family think that my attitude to presents is ungenerous and shows I don't care about them. I find this deeply unfair - I am just shit and knowing what they want. I got such a complex about it one Christmas that I couldn't enjoy any of the holidays. I now just buy something and make up a random hilariously elaborate reason. DP and I have never, in the 15 years we have been together, got each other an occasion present that we liked. We have luckily put a stop to the painful practice now.

Anyway - if DP said to me he wanted something special I would not know where to start. If given specifics, I am very willing to spend money and put in time - I just have absolutely no clue. He'd be setting me up to fail. This doesn't mean that I don't care, it's just not how my brain works.

This is what I wanted to say!
You have to give them at least a clue/ wish list to work from

Sorry but YABU. You know he's crap at buying presents and I don't think you gave him a clear direction of what you wanted...'something special' isn't very helpful. Not really the point but is 60 a particularly big birthday?

After, presumably, being together quite a long time and with a history of not being a good present giver why the hell did you not just give him a list of 5 things and tell him to pick one. You’d still get a surprise.
Why on earth did you think he was suddenly going to become good at choosing gifts?

I said I would like him to get me something special that would mean something

That’s a rubbish request, given your previous experience. 25 years and you haven’t learned that won’t work?

I think you’ve probably left it too late to raise his standards in this regard to be honest.

That's why me and dh don't buy each other birthday or Christmas presents. We mutually agree a joint thing we'll enjoy. Wine tasting, balloon trip, spa day etc no surprises no disappointments 😁

Harsh? Who? All of us?
Get a grip. Tell him what you want.

My ex was an absolute idiot.
Zero common sense.
So I started telling him what to get me and then I got the best gifts hahaha.
Exactly what I would’ve gotten myself.

I think you need to tell him a few ideas and then he can choose something out.

Happy birthday 💐

I'm sorry though, I'm with everyone else. I completely get that it's disappointing and upsetting - so protect yourself. Ask yourself what he's good at, and build presents out of that. Is he a film fan, good at packing, good at staying in touch with old friends, a decent cook, follows football... anything? In which case, ask him to book tickets to a movie in a city you want to visit, to take you away for a night, to invite friends over for a party, to make you dinner, book best seats for the football and dinner after... play to his strengths.

Setting your partner up to fail is pointless.

You are definitely being VERY unreasonable, OP

You have known your husband for 25 years and you know he's crap at present buying

But weirdly you expect him to suddenly become a brilliant present buyer

Ridiculous and very very unfair

Happy birthday OP!

For me, what hurts the most about rubbish gifts is the inability to have any imagination to try harder and the lack of emotional intelligence to realise that it's an issue. How hard is it to admit you are rubbish at gifts and ask for some ideas? Or to ask the recipient's friends/family what the recipient might want?

YANBU to be disappointed OP. But unfortunately I think you'll have to take this in hand as at this point your DH is unlikely to change.

No, I was trying to reply to one person but as this is my first ( and probably last) post wasn't sure how to do this.
Anyway thanks for the birthday wishes and some good advice - I will be sure to get a grip in future.

My husband is also awful at buying gifts, but very generous if I get round to asking for something. We have been married over 30 years. About 5 years in, I spent some time gently seething with resentment because lots of my antenatal group friends had been bought eternity rings by their husbands after the birth of their children, and I hadn’t. I mentioned this to DH, eventually.

“What’s an eternity ring?” he asked. “Of course you can have one if you want one.”

and that was all it needed. We got me one almost at once.

This was a real lesson to me. Now I know that if I ask for something specific with plenty of notice, he’ll get it, even if it involves some research and effort,once he’s clear what the parameters are. If I don’t ask for anything in particular, I may get nothing. In our case, the difference could literally be between a present costing 100s of pounds and nothing, with no difference in his feelings either way, simply in my communication and proactivity.

of course I would enjoy romantic gifts that were a total surprise, but that’s just not in his skill set. He has other strengths. If your DH is just bad at gift giving rather than mean or unloving, I think you can also solve this!

Sorry but I agree with everyone else, if he's been poor (in your eyes) at buying gifts for 25 years why do you expect him to change? My DH and I long ago agreed to not buy each other gifts, it's just so stressful trying to find exactly the 'right' thing. And how do you know that your DH really likes the gifts you choose for him? I have a friend who says 'I am really good at choosing lovely gifts' ... she really isn't but of course everyone just thanks her politely.
It was my birthday last week, my DH didn't buy me anything but we were away on holiday, having a lovely time, I can buy anything I want (within reason) from our joint bank account. He is kind, generous, never begrudges me anything ... that to me is far more important than a wrapped gift. What is your marriage like otherwise?

And the fact that you get huffy if other posters don't agree with your point of view suggests that perhaps your own DH finds you 'demanding' as well?

I don't understand the lack of communication around birthdays.

What was stopping you from saying that you would like X,Y,Z and for you to provide a list of suggestions of things to buy or things to do ?

OP, it doesn't sound like he is a "present person." I'm not, either, to be honest. I do no-gift pacts with most people because I have no idea what to get people and am not crazy about getting gifts either. If he isn't good at choosing gifts, well, he just isn't. It's not going to change.

How about suggesting that on each other's birthdays, you take turns taking the other spouse out to a nice restaurant? Most people have got enough clutter already, in my experience.