No friends, no partner. Is something wrong with me?

[Cuppa123]

I have lived all my life (50 years) in a quiet rural village. I have had two long relationships, the first resulted in lovely children, but it ended sadly, the second was going nowhere. I am sitting on my own on yet another Saturday night with not one person to talk to apart from my teenage children. Nowhere to go and feeling that there is really something wrong with me. I get on well with my colleagues from the two jobs I have, I am quiet but friendly, quite confident, I keep myself fit, but I have no one. I read advice on other similar posts about going out and joining clubs etc. I am a long standing member of two clubs (7 years in one club) and this has resulted in no friendships, just more people I know and like. I do like being on my own most of the time, but it is becoming increasingly harder to accept that this is it now and I am finding myself distressed at times. At work I hear people talking about going out with friends, holidays with partners etc and I am constantly jealous of others. If I take my children out for walks, I see families together. A neighbour asked me for a drink at our local bar (to get me out of the house he said) and I went, everyone who was there talked away to him, no one spoke to me - we live in the same estate, practically opposite each other. I am really starting to struggle with it now. I feel like crap when the weekend comes and it is getting worse. I tried online dating, but I just can't do it anymore. I'm sorry this is such a pity post, but I have no one to ask. What is wrong with me? What can I do?

Pretty sure there is nothing wrong with you. It's very hard to make friends these days. Most people prefer social media.

That said, what would happen if you asked a colleague at work to join you for an outing or a trip? At the bar did you make an effort to talk to anyone? Apologies if you have done or did that already.

Hi op its hard. I joined a walking thing but no friends from that I even did a message for a coffee nobody free. I thought can I be assed with all this. Maybe some people have good friends around them. Im not into book clubs or choir things lol

It’s hard OP. I do have some lovely friends but it is harder as you get older to make new ones, especially when your children are older so you can’t exactly plan play dates and more!

how about messaging a few from the club and arrange drinks and nibbles at your house one evening? And then arranging coffee with one for the following week, then another one and so on, see what happens?

A neighbour asked me for a drink at our local bar (to get me out of the house he said) and I went, everyone who was there talked away to him, no one spoke to me

Might they say - ''Had a chat with malcom in the bar last saturday. He was with cuppa. She didn't speak ...''

You say you get on with your colleagues and hear them chatting about outings. Do you ever invite them out or try to organise something with a group?

Why didn't you join in with the conversation with your neighbour at the pub? Or introduce yourself to other people in the group and make conversation?

Ask your neighbour to the pub - be proactive! Arrange some social things with people from your clubs outside of your normal activities.

Definitely hard to make friends when DC grow up.I am a member of a group. Someone in the group has been trying to get people to meet for ages. Everyone's v eager but they always flake out last minute. It's a post pandemic and CoL thing as well. Everyone is flakey.

Impossible to answer just from a brief snapshot of course.
I know that when I want friends (like if I've moved to a new area for instance, I make myself very open to others and if people seem friendly and interested in talking I'll keep those channels open, if things seem warm I'll suggest a coffee and basically just keep many threads open and pro actively try to take it on another step if things seem promising.
I get loads of trails that go cold, some that tick along in a modest way and once in a while someone comes along who is also interested in friendship and I get on with and they become someone I can suggest cinema, or pub too and it might develop on from there.

In a nutshell, I don't wait for friendships to happen. You just push gently on doors until one opens.
Often the reasons a for doesn't open is because that person has a full life, it you don't quite gel well enough, but if I was in the bar with your neighbour I would talk to others not see who talked to me.

I don't know if you've done this, I know you said you've joined clubs, but are you actively showing people interest or hoping someone will do that to you?

He knew them all, he knows everyone in the area. I didn't know them, so I really couldn't join in. All the others in the clubs seem to be in partnerships and/or have well established friendship groups. I have got to the stage were I have lost the confidence to ask others to do anything.

Yeah, but couldn’t you talk about yourself/ some place you’ve been.

This is exactly what I do. I have moved around a lot so I have had no choice but to be pro active. I ask everyone for coffee or the cinema or a talk. Some work out. Some don't.

I do have a DH and DC, but I need other friends outside family.

The thing is - and i'm going to be brutally honest because having a thread of 10 or 20 replies saying ''oh yes poor you it's hard'' and then ending isn't really going to help - you ask if it's you ... yes i think it is.

There's nothing 'wrong' with you, but you're throwing lots of negative vibes at this. If you're going to change things you are going to have to be proactive. Talk to the people you don't know! Then you'll know them. The neighbour knows everyone because he's talked to them. Ask your neighbour if you can go out again. Be honest and say you'd love to be introduced to some new folk.

Pick a person or two at work and ask if they'd like to meet you out for a meal or an activity you know they like.

You'll have to be prepared to take some knocks. The world isn't going to come to you.

Good luck with it, and do do it!

It sounds like you need to relax a bit and focus on things that you enjoy and make you happy for the time being? I am only a stranger on the Internet but it comes across as you feel too self conscious at present.

You really have to make the effort with people though.

I’m early 40’s and moved alone to an area where I knew no one, a few months before the first lockdown, so it was tough.

I was out last night with a friend, saw friends today, will see different friends during the day tomorrow……… I’ve put lots of effort in, made myself talk to people, ask people to do stuff.
Doesn’t always work and you don’t want to be friends with everyone you meet and vice versa, but it can be done!

I have no kids.

I think people who are coupled up and have friends don't really get it to be honest. It is really hard to meet people these days and with the cost of living, people can't or dont want to socialise and spend as much as they once did. I'm sure there is nothing wrong with you !

Of course you can join in to the conversation! So now find your neighbor and tell him you had a great time at the pub and ask him if he wants to go with you.

then as he’s chatting with everyone join in the conversation…. I hate to sound like captain obvious, but it really is that simple.

Have you investigated joining some group holidays ? This would also give you something to look forward to or a sport group ?

Is there a pub quiz night that you can join or suggest to go with your neighbour ?

I follow some groups on Facebook for ideas & I love to see their ideas for different things like; wild camping, camper vans, interailing, festivals, crafts, up cycling

I have also done some volunteering & raised money for various charities

My friend said to me, try a few things & if you don't like it, try something else

I think the key is that you have to get out of your personal comfort zone & this has worked for me

Obviously this depends on your budget & what you are willing to try

Is there a local friendship Facebook group in your area? There's one in my area and full of posts from people who want to make friends and get out more.

You could have joined in. You could have asked them questions about themselves, you could have been interested and engaged them.

You can't always sit in silence and complain people don't come to you, you need to make the effort.

If you follow that to the logical conclusion, you are definitely never ever going to make new friends. It was an ideal opportunity and you blew it that time, but perhaps you can suggest the next thing.

I honestly can’t believe you didn’t speak because you didn’t know anybody. I am on holiday at the moment and we did an excursion yesterday with twelve others, by the end of it I had had a little chat and found something about out about everybody.

Maybe it's where you Iive - being in a quiet village. I agree with others - repeating the pub visit with neighbour - then you become a 'regular' if you go often. And yes, pub quiz nights are good idea. Church? Usually lots going on socially with those.

What happened during the Coronation were there any local events in your area ?

What are next events ? Summer fete, Halloween, Christmas, can you help out in your local area & meet new people ?

Have you tried the app Meet-up?

It's literally full of groups of varying interests and ages for people that actively want to make new friends

It worked for me!

I was on a mission to find some new friends recently and I read some books and listened to podcasts advising about how to make friends.

Basically you need to take the initiative. Ask someone for coffee. And keep on asking different people. Some will say no, some may say yes but not end up being friendship material for you, but if you keep asking different people you will find friends. And asking people takes some bravery but the more you do it the easier it gets.

You could start with asking people from work or the groups you being to.

Join new groups. Volunteer. Go back to the pub with your neighbour, but you need to initiate conversations.

It sounds like your confidence is perhaps low at the moment but you can definitely do this OP.

I made two new friends last autumn and my life is the better for it. Be brave and go for it, and then just keep going for it!
Friendship is an investment, it does take time and effort. Living in a village can make it harder to "find your tribe" than living in a city so casting your net wider might be good.

Could you go again, if he is willing to bring you along? I think every first time is difficult and you might have expectations that are too high. Plus perhaps nerves that made you hold back. Dust yourself off and try again....
You have teenage children, and they speak to you, I mean that is a job well done!
You were in two long term relationships, good for you! Many people have not.
Friendships got caught in the back.
Maybe now is the time to learn that part of life, and not be to hard on yourself. Laugh it off with your neighbour, a little self-mockery goes a long way. Good luck!

OP. You are aren't alone. I feel utterly shit about myself on a daily basis. I'm in a professional job mainly WFH. I do pop in the office and my colleagues really take to me. Never short of compliments. BUT I do not have a single female friend and the reality hits me every morning when I wake up. I do have a DP and we have an 18 and 22 yr old, yet I am bloody lonely. My birthday is coming up and I feel dread. I'm 40 and genuinely worry if I die my funeral would even be pathetic, I'd be surprised if 5 people came.