No friends, no partner. Is something wrong with me?

[Cuppa123]

I have lived all my life (50 years) in a quiet rural village. I have had two long relationships, the first resulted in lovely children, but it ended sadly, the second was going nowhere. I am sitting on my own on yet another Saturday night with not one person to talk to apart from my teenage children. Nowhere to go and feeling that there is really something wrong with me. I get on well with my colleagues from the two jobs I have, I am quiet but friendly, quite confident, I keep myself fit, but I have no one. I read advice on other similar posts about going out and joining clubs etc. I am a long standing member of two clubs (7 years in one club) and this has resulted in no friendships, just more people I know and like. I do like being on my own most of the time, but it is becoming increasingly harder to accept that this is it now and I am finding myself distressed at times. At work I hear people talking about going out with friends, holidays with partners etc and I am constantly jealous of others. If I take my children out for walks, I see families together. A neighbour asked me for a drink at our local bar (to get me out of the house he said) and I went, everyone who was there talked away to him, no one spoke to me - we live in the same estate, practically opposite each other. I am really starting to struggle with it now. I feel like crap when the weekend comes and it is getting worse. I tried online dating, but I just can't do it anymore. I'm sorry this is such a pity post, but I have no one to ask. What is wrong with me? What can I do?

Op maybe if you go next time people will get to know you in the area.. its hard when confidence low. I meet the same faces when out with my dog and its a bit of chat too.

OP - you mentioned that through clubs there are more people you know and like - surely that is what friends are? Clearly you have something in common and like spending leisure time the same way. Perhaps suggest a drink after the club. Ask people questions about themselves. Make sure you smile. It’s tough to make friends when you are older but it sounds like you are doing the right thing with clubs.

You aren’t missing anything. Last year I was out every weekend, spending money I didn’t have, getting wrinkles I didn’t need from alcohol I didn’t like.
You have children you can book a holiday with what about that?

Yes you really have to ask questions at clubs or pubs or parties:
Things I ask:
Have you come far?
How do you know X the host?
Doing anything this weekend?
Something hobby related
I dont ask about work or family unless they volunteer information.

Hi OP I had this when I moved across the country. I joined an app called meet up. It shows you every group in your area and they are general ones, hobby based etc. One I'm in does pub quizzes, cinema, walks, music. I've made so many friends this way and there's always someone new, someone doing something. Might be worth looking at.

I would love to book a holiday with them, we have enjoyed holidays in the past together, but I am supporting my eldest daughter in her first year of uni, so all my spare money goes to that.

You just have to be proactive and realise that what you see isn't always true.

In my new job I have already committed to a quiz night out and a walk including a night camping out. These people are new colleagues, relative strangers, but they like going out and doing stuff, so I got involved. They also drag ex collagues into these things, so my social circle then widens. I used to host big, themed food nights for colleagues.

I am meeting someone else I used to work with for food and drinks soon.

I am due a night out with a woman I met online through a game originally. In the next 2-3 years I will go to a different European country and meet another person I met online that way, too (money permitting).

I take my kids to the same places every weekend, so have made a few acquaintances in town - local salespeople I like talking to, and we can stand there and chat a good while.

When you look at me from the outside I have loads of friends. They're more acquaintances, not the kind of people I'd ring up at 3am in an emergency, but you see this and say you're jealous. Some may become friends, but I found that this tends to be far more fluent these days, less committed.

So go out there, talk to people, and enjoy the times you get involved.

Last month I got in touch with a friend I haven't seen for 20 years. She lived overseas and has only recently returned to the UK. We have made plans to meet.

I met someone through Twitter! and we got on so seeing an exhibition next week.

I am always making an effort. Yes sometimes I get tired of it. But friendship is v important to me, so I need to work at it.

I’d say I was good at making friends, but there have been times I’ve struggled - when I was a new mum for example, probably the loneliest time. I made a supreme effort and it did work eventually but they were more friendships of convenience I suppose for the time.
My last batch of friends was through work - I was lucky, we gelled - but again effort is put in by a few of us.
ive been in my current job for nearly 2 years and we’ve just got a date in to go out for dinner (7 of us), but it’s more hybrid etc.
Id say there’s luck involved, circumstance, effort, a bit of personality.
id always start w coffee invite - it’s pretty non-commital - go from there.
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I would say that you are not currently taking the right actions to make the friendships that you want OP.

If making new friendships is important to you then you need to prioritise doing the things that lead to friendship.

Going to the pub was taking action, but you need to take more action than this, try other social situations and of course you needed to speak to people at the pub. Put yourself out there, invite people to meet up with you, accept that not everyone will want to be your friend and be ok with that. There are also different levels of friends and it's good to have people at any of the levels from friendly acquaintance to bestie.

Friends make life better, be brave, put in the time and effort and you will have friends.

Following

I too think that you missed an opportunity at the pub OP. Did you try asking anyone questions about themselves, or what they were actually talking about? For example, if they were talking cars, you could have perhaps expressed an interest in the car they drive, then talked about your own car, perhaps things like, is that a good car to own, is it economical, how long have you had it, what did you drive before that, the list goes on? Or you could have said something like 'John hasn't introduced us, but I'm 'cuppa123', do you live locally? The conversation usually moves on from there, and really isn't that difficult as a rule. True, you'll get the odd person who looks at you as if you're barmy, but they're the ones that aren't worth bothering about, so just excuse yourself by saying something like, 'sorry, I really must nip to the loo, nice meeting you' and then off you go, when you reappear, just go back to John, and see who else speaks to him. I was taught at a young age, that showing an interest in other people, rather than constantly worrying about what they think of you, was the best way to make friends. Good luck OP, I'm sure if you just put yourself out there, and make the effort to introduce yourself to new people, or issue some invites to those you already know, that you'll eventually find some new friends to spend time with.

Hi what area are you in xx

In your first post you say there are lots of people you know and like. Well, they are your friends! I think you can’t expect an intense friendship necessarily at this point but people you know and people you like are friends. Try using the term more loosely and see how it feels!

I tHink villages will lack social options. Volunteer work is a possibility.

I am a similar age and I have found that most people my age seem quite settled so they are not looking for friends. In fact I have even been told outright by two people that they don't need any more friends. Even those who are willing to be friends already have a long established friendship group so I will always be a peripheral friend. I am really looking for someone to do things with. Im too old for the younger Ramblers group and the normal ramblers I was 20+ yrs younger than most of them and I can't do a grade 3 scramble. I have tried joining clubs related to my interests but no luck there as everyone seemed to be coupled up and I felt like I was viewed as a predatory lone female. The fact that I wasn't great at the sports added to this impression.

I'm now trying to join clubs for activities I'm not interested in as a last resort. Very small selection of clubs where I am.

Advice on here is always to join meetup but the meet ups here are MLM or computer programming meets and I know nothing about the latter and want nothing to do with the former. I'd really like to know where all the people suggesting meetup live because I would like to move there in a heartbeat.

Someone will be along soon to tell me I sound like hard work.

Good luck OP just keep plugging away at it. It isn't easy, I know.

@IsAnybody I hear you.
I would only have a very small number attend my funeral too and there would be nothing much of worth to say. Never married, no kids, no friends, boring and quiet personality. Good luck to whoever ends up putting together a speech for my funeral as there's nothing really significant to say.

The thing is, there would have been a time when he didn't know these people either - they were strangers to him. But he took steps to get to know them and develop a friendship over time.

That's what you need to do, it doesn't just happen, you have to be proactive about it. I know it's not easy, most people feel awkward speaking to people they don't know, but it only takes awhile for them to become more familiar and then it's not scary anymore.

Or if you already have work acquaintances can you be the one to organise a night out for dinner or to see a show, and invite others. You never know unless you try.

I’ve had periods like this. I’ve found the best way to make friends is to do something where an activity is the focus. So some sort of sport, book club, music, volunteering, even a support group. I appreciate you live in a rural village so there might not be a lot of options - you may have to travel a bit further afield for these things. Or alternatively you could start something. Post on the local FB page asking if anybody’s interested in getting together for walks, a rounders team, a game of tennis, starting a book club or whatever.

You have to be proactive and really put yourself out there. Butt into the conversation. Ask people for coffee/drinks/country walk. Open up to people and tell them you’ve been feeling a bit lost since your child went to uni, or are going stir-crazy in the evenings/at weekends etc.

Another thing I’ve found helpful - instead of saying ‘let me know if you fancy a drink some time’, be specific and ask ‘Do you fancy a drink next week?’.

There are a number of similar posts here and on relationships at the moment. I'm genuinely interested in wether this something we're seeing more of since covid, cost of living and living our lives online more.

I'm divorced, 2 kids in late primary, early secondary (out of the area we live) and I have them half the time. I'm new to this village so in a similar boat. I've joined sports clubs, walking groups and rock up to most community volunteering things. My expectations are low, I saw someone ask on here how long it takes to feel settled after a move and I think the consensus is 3-5 years. My expectations around the clubs are that I'm not likely to meet my best friend, but I now have more people to run into at the supermarket! I take a massive pleasure in that.

I had a boyfriend and we've just spilt, so I'm going into the winter feeling a little bit of dread at the lack of opportunity to get out as the nights get darker. But I'm trying new things all the time. I've paid subs for the running club that meets on the nights I can't make it, just to access the social element.

A lot of great advice here on this thread. Meetup, same for me that it's not busy for my little area, but look at the next city or town and commit to driving to things that interest you.

I'm also considering a post on the local Facebook literally saying I'm looking for women to meet and walk with and make some connections.

A woman who just moved to our town put a nice message on the local facebook page about this.

She then set up and linked a private group for women only to just make new friends or go to events with.

Last I heard, it was buzzing!

I think a lot of people are in a similar situation. You could try that, or maybe say a town on here that you'd like to meet new friends for a coffee. Good luck.

@Cuppa123 Hi, your message really resonated with me! About 3 years ago, when I lived in Cambridge, I had several good friends I used to socialise with, and we used to do a lot of things together. But I feel as if since the early 2000s, my circle of friends has been declining gradually, and then in 2007 my two best friends died, leaving me with only one- the cousin of one of my BFs. Then I lost my job, and Covid struck making it difficult to find a new one, & I very foolishly listened to my estate agent & moved to East Yorkshire (cheaper living), where I have been for nearly 3 years! During this time, I have made no friends at all, I'm not working, and my house still needs work, which I'm not motivated to do. I'm also really starting to despair, and recently I've joined a befriending group & aim to go to some coffee mornings. I'd really like to reverse this madness & return to Cambridge, but it's so expensive down there now... It used to be so effortless to make friends, but now no-one seems to want to know...

🧟‍♂️ 🧟‍♀️ zombie thread 😀

Still this year, so I'm saying not Zombie.... it's cat napping....

The thing is, it does just happen for a lot of people though or it is easy for them. It isn't always about effort, a lot of it is luck or circumstances.
Some of us have to go to huge efforts and it gets tiring after a while.