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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex wants to bring new girlfriend to our child’s 5th birthday party

88 replies

SingleMamaG4 · 20/05/2023 08:01

I left my ex in 2020 and since then he’s been engaged to a woman (wedding was meant to be next month) but she left him. He’s now got a new girlfriend. It’s early days, about a month. The previous lady met our then 2 year old son and they got along great. I trusted her completely. Fast forward and I have planned my sons first proper party. His school friends are coming and some friends and family. Every month I would plan a bit more, buy some decorations and book the entertainment/venue. EP has said he would like to bring his new girlfriend to meet our son/me for the first time. I said I would think about it. He said he’s going to bring her regardless. I feel upset. He initially wasn’t coming at all due to him hating my family- but I said to put his feelings aside and be there for his son. I’ve planned it all.

OP posts:

MadeofElephantStone · 20/05/2023 08:45

After 1 month (does he not understand how confusing that replacing the fiance with a new gf so soon could be to 5yo child?)- no.

At son's birthday party - no.

For the cheek of demanding he is allowed to put his putting his selfish needs before his child on child's birthday - no.

Tell him to fuck off!

CruCru · 20/05/2023 08:46

If he does bring the girlfriend, how does he expect the introduction to play out? If she is just there and your son says hello and keeps playing then that is one thing. If he expects him to stop what he’s doing and “talk nicely” with his Dad’s new friend that is another.

drspouse · 20/05/2023 08:49

Knowing five year olds he will hopefully say "oh are you going to say you're getting married like with Amy? I liked Amy".

But anyway no. You don't get to decide to bring a +1 to an event someone else is hosting.

handydandynotebook · 20/05/2023 08:51

I would say to him that as hopefully his girlfriend is going to be a really important part of his life going forward that it's important to make the introduction as good as possible and perhaps it would be better for the 3 of them to all do something like bowling or a meal out (with or without you) before hand.

Bunnichick · 20/05/2023 08:51

No it's your child's party and shouldn't be affected by this. He can introduce another time if he has to.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 20/05/2023 08:53

He doesn’t get to just bring her to a party you’re throwing, but he does get to make the decision when she meets his son on his time with him.

Goldbar · 20/05/2023 09:05

I would send him a bill for half the party.

Only the hosts get to invite guests and if he's co-hosting with you, he can pay for half of it.

Londontoderby · 20/05/2023 09:09

I would tell him he shouldn’t bring her because it will make him look like an idiot. They’ve only been together a month and him bringing her to the sons party will make everyone think he doesn’t put his son first and is selfish. Who brings a one month girlfriend into their sons life!!
However is he wants to make himself look a fool, let him.

tara66 · 20/05/2023 09:14

If she is not invited then he should not bring her and if she comes she will be gate crashing a 5 year old's birthday party? What adult does that? Very bad form.

GoodLies · 20/05/2023 09:19

Why does the ex’s girlfriend even want to go? Maybe she doesn’t and feels obliged.

WheelsUp · 20/05/2023 09:27

I'm surprised by a lot of these answers- people on here normally say 6-12 months to meet a partner so that you know of this relationship
is likely to be long term but I guess the bar for dads is always low.

Your son shouldn't be meeting his dad's gf of one month but I'm assuming that now the invite has been issued, he will come with her anyway. I would only have invited him to the party if he'd paid half of the cost tbh. If he wants a party without your family there then he should organise a separate party with his family and gf attending.

ZoeCM · 20/05/2023 09:28

He's being ridiculous. The focus needs to be on his son, not him and his girlfriend! He shouldn't be introducing him to her after such a short time, anyway. This kid is going to have had a truckload of "stepmums" by the time he's ten if this is anything to go by.

LuvSmallDogs · 20/05/2023 09:29

GoodLies · 20/05/2023 09:19

Why does the ex’s girlfriend even want to go? Maybe she doesn’t and feels obliged.

There are some weird young women who get really into their new BF's kids, I've known a few. Idk if they just want to "prove themselves" to the BF, or if the BF has made the mum sound like a monster so they want to be the kid's "good mum" etc.

gogohmm · 20/05/2023 09:31

Let it go, your son will be having a great time so won't care. Sometimes we have to just let them make decisions

Wishitsnows · 20/05/2023 09:33

Has he put no effort in to planning the party for his son? Is he just going to show up as a guest? Sounds like a shit dad if so. Not the right time to introduce a gf of a few weeks and potentially ruin his sons party that you have put the time, effort and money into plan.

user1492757084 · 20/05/2023 09:38

You need to specify the meeting time - when your ex will introduce his friend. Is it best before the party or afterwards when he helps pack up?
Your ex should be expected to help. Tell him which area is best for him to be useful. What is he best to do? Cooking saugages, packing up the rubbish, running a party game etc.

I would treat the girlfriend as just his new friend and also have a family member ready to host the girlfriend - ie be welcoming, chat, keep her happy so ex is free to pay attention to his child without her having to be right by his side.
The girlfriend is likely to feel very uncomfortable and nervous.

It is generous of your to extend an invitation.
If your ex can not be polite to your family then he should not be there though if he can be nice it is best that he displays that skill - for the sake of your child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/05/2023 09:49

A month?! He’s being ridiculous. She doesn’t need to meet him yet. You never need to meet her if you don’t want to. He can and should arrange his own celebration for DS. Piggybacking off your hard work, expense and effort to do something so stupid suggests he’s a blithering idiot and I’d uninvite him. He’s already told you he plans to bring her even though you’ve asked him not to. She’s not a committed partner who’s been around a while, he’s basically expecting you to host him on a date.

TheKobayashiMaru · 20/05/2023 09:51

Tell him he either comes alone or not at all.

The party is about your son, not to meet some random woman that might not be on the scene for long.

Hellno45 · 20/05/2023 10:00

I'd tell him not to come. Your kid isn't his priority. He isn't putting your child's needs and wants above his own. Your child doesn't need or want to meet a random on his birthday. You can't control what he does on his time but you can control what he does on yours. Introducing a GF after a month isn't in the best interests of your child.

Deathbyfluffy · 20/05/2023 10:02

Tree543 · 20/05/2023 08:06

I wouldn't have invited your ex in the first place

That says more about you than them - if he’s heavily involved with his child he has a right to be a birthday celebration IMO

powerpufff · 20/05/2023 11:11

I would just kindly explain that it is your son's special day and not the right occasion - a mature person would understand

Jammydodger1981 · 20/05/2023 11:16

Deathbyfluffy · 20/05/2023 10:02

That says more about you than them - if he’s heavily involved with his child he has a right to be a birthday celebration IMO

Show quote history

Then he can throw his own or be involved in paying & planning.

Notimeforaname · 20/05/2023 11:33

It you really dont want her there, just say no. His birthday party is not the time to meet strangers.
But know that he will probably just turn it into "she is jealous of my new gf and stopping me seeing my child"

If you dont want any of that, then just let him bring her, your child will be too busy having fun and theyll look like a pair of fools sitting my themselves.

SoonToBeinSpotlight · 20/05/2023 12:21

Sorry, I'm going to disagree. You've got a bunch of people there. What's the problem with him bringing a girlfriend? Sounds ideal low pressure way for her to meet people and your son, without it getting much attention. And I can see it being easier for him- especially as you were the one to leave.

Your son is five - I doubt he'll care or notice either way - she'll just be one of many adult faces there.

Not sure what the issue is?

Yes, he's being bolshy by saying he'll bring her anyway.... but I think you are being a bit controlling to consider stopping him....

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/05/2023 12:22

No, this is very much not the occasion for it.

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