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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Condescending colleague . Is she BU?

59 replies

Cocolocobaby · 19/05/2023 22:18

I am a qualified teacher of around 10
Years . My colleague is a TA of 7 years and has been doing teacher training over the past two years .

We work in an independent school and we share a class where we have a good 15 hours of cross over time . My college has worked in the school for 7 years and is seen As a leader . She has lots of experience and is good at what she does. I have been in my role a year . Have become part of the team and friendly with all expect with my co teacher . I have tried to be friendly but The only comments she makes are back handed . She will find any reason to ‘tell me off / put me down ‘.

I am quite laid back and I’m never ever rude to her but I’m starting to lose my patience with it and truthfully it upsets me . She isn’t like this with anyone else .

I would never ever pull rank and say - well as a qualified teacher. I never pull her up in her mistakes . I’d like to be friends. I am always friendly and polite to her but she acts like she is so above me . It almost pains her to look at me . I worry when she completes her training she will be even more insufferable.

I worry that if I complain to management they will dismiss my concerns as she only shows this side of her personality to me . Also ; she has worked their far longer than me . So why would they believe me ?
I feel I can’t give concrete examples of her rudeness but it’s clear she dislikes me . Maybe I’m being silly ….

Her comments …

‘ why aren’t all the windows open - it is essential there is an airflow !?’

It’s 12.02 - we will be late for lunch . I don’t tolerate lateness and it’s a poor example to the children .’

‘ Can you explain why you haven’t refilled the water cooler . Hydration is key to children’s development’.

‘ I expect you will sweep that mess up promptly?’

What’s sad is I know I go above and beyond . Come in on weekends , stay late and am good at my job. yet she only speaks at me to comment on the most silly things which will always be a put down . I don’t want to be drawn into misery . I hate confrontation .I don’t know how to solve this ? I am quite straight forward and don’t want this drama.
We are both early 30s .

I honestly am at my wits end . I am sat here on a Friday night seething ! I’m thinking the only option is leaving my role .

OP posts:
Original poster
Cocolocobaby · 19/05/2023 22:20

Excuse the grammar mistakes ! Rushing !!!!

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 19/05/2023 22:25

why aren’t all the windows open - it is essential there is an airflow !?’

It’s 12.02 - we will be late for lunch . I don’t tolerate lateness and it’s a poor example to the children .’

‘Can you explain why you haven’t refilled the water cooler . Hydration is key to children’s development’.

To be honest I understand all of of these.

I dont think that's condescending.

The sweeping the floor was a little ,yes. But the rest of those things are important to do and if youre not doing them, she needs to remind you.

Notimeforaname · 19/05/2023 22:27

I am quite straight forward and don’t want this drama.
We are both early 30s

Then be straightforward "I feel like you're being condescending when you tell me to do things I've forgotten".

Azandme · 19/05/2023 22:27

I'd ask her why she thought it was acceptable to speak to me like that. I'd also say, "When you're qualified you'll have all of the insert thing she doesn't do to deal with too!" tinkly laugh.

I do a lot of work with trainees and nqt - they're often so intent on proving themselves that they come across as arrogant and know it all. It mostly comes from fear and imposter syndrome.

I'd bet she sees that you are awesome and it makes her reflect on her own teaching ability and not in a positive way - so she tries to drag you down to make herself feel better.

That said I have known one TA trainee teacher who literally thought she knew more than every teacher in the school, including the head. Her nqt year sorted that out.

Azandme · 19/05/2023 22:31

Notimeforaname · 19/05/2023 22:25

why aren’t all the windows open - it is essential there is an airflow !?’

It’s 12.02 - we will be late for lunch . I don’t tolerate lateness and it’s a poor example to the children .’

‘Can you explain why you haven’t refilled the water cooler . Hydration is key to children’s development’.

To be honest I understand all of of these.

I dont think that's condescending.

The sweeping the floor was a little ,yes. But the rest of those things are important to do and if youre not doing them, she needs to remind you.

I think it's the "Can you explain why you haven't..." - she's not in a position to demand an explanation, the OP doesn't answer to her.

"Oh, the water cooler hasn't been filled, are you doing it, or shall I?" Totally different.

BrutusMcDogface · 19/05/2023 22:34

It is never ok to talk to a colleague like that! How rude!

honeylulu · 19/05/2023 22:38

(1) You'd better fill it up then hadn't you? (2) Well you're already 2 minutes late, you'll have to up your game won't you?
(3) You know where the broom is, crack on.
And so on.

drpet49 · 19/05/2023 22:38

Who does she think she is? I wouldn’t tolerate anymore of her behaviour OP. Time to absolutely pull rank.

ELCismyspiritnana · 19/05/2023 22:43

"<Colleague name> can YOU explain why you feel it acceptable to speak to me like I'm one of the children?" Or "yes you really should keep on top of that <colleague name> perhaps you could set a reminder on your phone" then sweep off casually to do something else.

And then make sure you micro manage her for the day "in case she needs some extra support" while she is training.

She thinks she's in charge and you need to correct that. It's your classroom and she is there to assist.

Stellaroses · 19/05/2023 22:45

Bizarre behaviour.
I would say “It’s not your job to police me or the way I run the classroom. I answer to management.”

Slightly confused though- if she’s been doing teacher training for 2 years then surely she’s a teacher? Not a TA. Not that she should be speaking to you like that anyway. Are you jobsharing with her?

Original poster
Cocolocobaby · 19/05/2023 22:45

Notimeforaname · 19/05/2023 22:25

why aren’t all the windows open - it is essential there is an airflow !?’

It’s 12.02 - we will be late for lunch . I don’t tolerate lateness and it’s a poor example to the children .’

‘Can you explain why you haven’t refilled the water cooler . Hydration is key to children’s development’.

To be honest I understand all of of these.

I dont think that's condescending.

The sweeping the floor was a little ,yes. But the rest of those things are important to do and if youre not doing them, she needs to remind you.

It’s just the way she speaks to me . Surely just say- I’ll open a few more windows , it’s at hot day .

Have you realized the water cooler is almost empty .

Her tone is rude and she knows that when your running after 30 small people these minor things are not game changers . She could help . Yet she chooses to critique . I find it sad as we could be a team.

I wouldn’t demand to know why the text books were not re stacked ? Or why the printer was out of paper . Or why the children were not starting mathematics when it was clearly 9.03am ! I could but I wouldn’t !!! I’m sorry but to me it’s all petty and I don’t want to play those games .

OP posts:
Blondewithredlips · 19/05/2023 22:49

drpet49 · 19/05/2023 22:38

Who does she think she is? I wouldn’t tolerate anymore of her behaviour OP. Time to absolutely pull rank.

This

Tellmeimcrazy · 19/05/2023 22:52

Actually if the OP is higher ranking the assistant should really be filling the water and sweeping up if the teacher is busy. She can also open a window and say "just going to open this for air flow I hope you dont mind". The woman is being a prick. It isn't necessary. The sweeping up thing is just being passive aggressive.

I'd never speak to anyone who technically outranked me like this - I wouldn't even say these things to an assistant!

OP have an honest meeting with her and tell her what you think.

Original poster
Cocolocobaby · 19/05/2023 22:52

Stellaroses · 19/05/2023 22:45

Bizarre behaviour.
I would say “It’s not your job to police me or the way I run the classroom. I answer to management.”

Slightly confused though- if she’s been doing teacher training for 2 years then surely she’s a teacher? Not a TA. Not that she should be speaking to you like that anyway. Are you jobsharing with her?

She has been doing a two year teacher training course and mshe will be qualified to teach EYFS ( no other years )

As we work in an independent school she is able to teach unqualified so we class share but she isn’t a qualified teacher .

To the children we are both teacher but technically management say I am the QTS and she is an advanced TA who is in training.

I know it annoys her I am paid as a qts.

OP posts:
OutOfMyPocket · 19/05/2023 22:55

I think you have to move or be more assertive by uaing some of the suggestions.

secular39 · 19/05/2023 22:55

With these people sometimes you just have to give it to them back and just don't sue them for a job reference. I was snappy back to my manager, I did not give a shit. Always putting me down and yet couldn't quote one ounce of research!

RememberNancyDrew · 19/05/2023 22:57

She's putting you on the defensive with every comment.

Notimeforaname · 19/05/2023 22:59

Her tone is rude and she knows that when your running after 30 small people these minor things are not game changers . She could help . Yet she chooses to critique . I find it sad as we could be a team.

Well...have you ever told her this? Because that's how you sort it out...

User12310 · 19/05/2023 23:00

It’s about the money and status for her. She’s insecure/resentful over that and will berate you over the tiny things because bringing you down makes her feel better than you when on paper she is the lesser one in the partnership.

I’d speak to her about her phrasing though. Bloody rude.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 19/05/2023 23:03

So, I’ve never been a teacher so this is based on my understanding that a TA is a teachers assistant. As in she is there to assist you, not order you around. She isn’t your friend, she’s your assistant. So here’s my advice for the approach you should be taking:

“why aren’t all the windows open - it is essential there is an airflow !?”
🤨 You only need two windows open to create an airflow. If I wanted more windows open in my classroom, I would have asked you to open them.

“It’s 12.02 - we will be late for lunch . I don’t tolerate lateness and it’s a poor example to the children.”
🥺 You might want to speak to someone about your anxiety

“Can you explain why you haven’t refilled the water cooler . Hydration is key to children’s development”
🧐 Because that is usually the TA’s task to see to, can you explain why you are asking me to do your job?

“I expect you will sweep that mess up promptly?”
😉 Could you go and fetch the broom and dust pan please?…..cheers now you can assist me by sweeping up the mess…thanks mate.

OhwhyOY · 19/05/2023 23:03

Can you say something like now we're X period of time into working together (e.g. one year) I think it would be good to sit down and have a chat about how it's all going and what we could do to make things as seamless as possible. You could give her a chance to raise any concerns or thoughts she has, and then you could say to her that sometimes you feel as if she's overly negative towards you (which you're sure she doesn't mean) but sometimes her word choice or tone makes it feel that way. Then give examples of both where she's upset you and how you'd prefer it to be worded, then see what she says. Hopefully if you try to make it a positive conversation and also give her a chance to raise any concerns she might have it will go reasonably smoothly.

diggitdiggit · 19/05/2023 23:03

I would tread carefully here. I completely agree she's out of order and she would drive me mad if I were in your shoes (as an aside, does she really structure her sentences like Mary Poppins? She sounded of a much older generation and I was surprised she was only in her 30s).

How 'in' is she with senior leaders? The last school I worked in I had exactly the same dynamic with someone who was a couple of grades lower and not qualified and spoke to me like shit.

I finally had it out with her and she went crying to the head instantly. It was frankly ridiculous but quite clear that she had arsekissed her way to a position with no actual standing on paper but had the ear of senior management so could do what she liked.

If the school you're in has the same culture I'd look to leave.

If you can get her back in her box without creating repercussions then I'd go with some of the suggestions on this thread.

Clementinesucks · 19/05/2023 23:05

You need to be more assertive. She sounds unpleasant.

Tothemoonandbackx · 19/05/2023 23:09

I have one of these at work, she's been here for 14 months, I've been here for 14 years!!! Same job, but I ended up crossing over to her shop on a temp basis to start with, which has now ended up being permanent. At first I just asked how they did things in this particular shop, as each one has there own way of doing things, and didn't want to upset the apple cart and didn't think I'd end up staying there anywany. But some of the things she says and does droves me nutty, watching over me as I manage the shop, calling other people to ask for advice even though I'm sat right next to her and have been there and done that. It's funny how when its all going tits up, and she gets upset, that I'm there to sort it all out. I never pull rank, but do let out that over the past 14 years, I've seen and heard it all before.

cansu · 19/05/2023 23:13

I think you need to pull her up every time by biting back or laughing at her crap

To most of her comments I would probably say
Are you OK you sounded quite rude and worked up? If you are stressed out you need to speak to someone perhaps. Big smile.