To feel so much resentment towards them?

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

Well, towards my own parents.

They are in their 60s, and my father took early retirement at 42. Mother has never worked.

They now live a wealthy and luxurious lifestyle (indulge their hobbies in winter and on their own yacht in summer)

They haven’t deserved their wealth btw, it was all inherited. They’ve had opportunities to build a business, to invest and to make their money work sensibly but have never done that.

Meanwhile my DH and I are raising a young family with zero support. It’s tough affording childcare and there have been times when I’ve had to stop my career because childcare was prohibitively expensive. They have no help at all (not talking financial here- meant with just occasional physical help)

They do not know when my DC birthdays are, don’t care about where they go to school and take zero interest in them.

I see so many incredible grandparents helping out my friends (even juggling work etc) and my own parents who are relatively young and fit and don’t work just can’t be arsed. AIBU?

I can see why you feel that way. It doesn’t sound like you have much of a relationship with them, is that your decision or theirs?

It’s mine to be honest. I’ve lost a lot of respect for them. They’ve become very detached from reality.

It would be good to get on better terms with them, but I can’t see it happening.

How sad that they’re not even interested in their grandchildren. They sound rather shallow.

This. And them being in a situation to help their child and not bothering to do so. Horrible

Cut them off?

What specifically would you want from them?
Financial help?
Support with child care?
Or just more interest?

Not all grandparents feel the urge to ‘parent’ as they see it. They did their bit and if things were easier for them they will not fathom what you are going through.

Sorry this is your reality - what happens if you tell them what your reality is? Do they ignore or change the subject
Have you asked a direct question to help you with the situation?
If your mum
did not work then your working mum mode will not make sense to her

Sounds like a stately homes situation. I stumbled on an ongoing thread about it not so long ago. You can probably find it by searching.

Parents don't owe you money or childcare but I can see how bloody annoying it would be to know that they haven't had to work for their lifestyle and have made foolish choices that don't give you the same luxury.

Yes, I used to find it so sad.

I had fairly bad PND with my first and my DH had to work away within 24 hours of giving birth. It was hard.

However, I’ve turned it into a positive. If my own DC need me when the time comes, I’ll really be there for them. I don’t ever want them to feel like I do. Also, I’m incredibly independent.

But I still feel resentment and I can’t help it.

I actually think it would be fine to resent them for the lack of financial help. I know that's not the done thing on MN but given its all inherited wealth, not earned, and they have so much to be able to retire at 42 and live a life of luxury, they are selfish for not sharing. Any decent parent should want to help their children out where they can.

Unless I was going to financially benefit, I’d never speak to them again. And even then, they leave it to the cats home…I might even just cut my losses right now.

Sadly not all parents are interested in child care or seeing grandchildren. My mum never helps with my children ever but has my brother's kids every week. I try to not let it get to me.

@Scienceadvisory I can totally see your point.

I would much prefer some support (emotional, practical), rather than money. Although , yes, some money would be nice too!

I think what annoys me the most about the money is that they fritter it away so much. They could have done brilliant things, but they are so self-centred.

.@CadburyDream that must be so hard. At least my parents treat me and my siblings the same- crap.

It’s mine to be honest. I’ve lost a lot of respect for them. They’ve become very detached from reality.

So who detached first then? You before you had kids? You can hardly resent them for their good fortune and distance yourself from them and then want them back when it suits that their non working status means they could help with childcare?

I can understand you being disappointed with their lack of interest in their grandchildren and not being available for practical or emotional help. However, YABVU to be "annoyed" about what they do with their money. Whether they worked for it or inherited it, it is THEIR money to do what they please with. It is not up to you to police them and what they do with it - they can use it to light the fire if they want to. What gives you the right to judge whether or not they are self-centred? There are plenty of wealthy people who could, but don't, help out their parents - I've yet to see any judgement on them, it's always children judging parents.

Because when they reach the later stages in life, they will expect her to help/be there for them. Especially if she is the only female sibling.

Life is transactional. Especially with people like her parents. Just because they don’t need her now, doesn’t mean they won’t ever. They need to chip in now, if they ever want anything in return.

I feel your pain

my FIL was an absent parent and although he’s in the picture he shows absolutely no interest in his 4 grandchildren but his sister will make out he’s a fantastic grandad until I tell her how can he be when he doesn’t make any effort to see his grandchildren?

it does upset my husband but he understands that how his father is so doesn’t really have much to do with him

No, it didn’t really happen that way. They didn’t help me when I was really low after my first child. I was quite unwell and needed support. They were uninterested and pulled away from me.

I’m hurt at their lack of support, so it’s me that detached from them now. It’s sort of self-preservation to protect myself.

I'm sorry your parents weren't there when you needed them. I know it's tough.

Not every parent wants to be a grandparent and they don't get any say in the matter. You can't force a relationship.

To the PP, not every parent expects their DC to care for them in their old age either.

However, YABVU to be "annoyed" about what they do with their money. Whether they worked for it or inherited it, it is THEIR money to do what they please with. It is not up to you to police them and what they do with it - they can use it to light the fire if they want to. What gives you the right to judge whether or not they are self-centred?

I disagree with this too. My grandmother was sensible, frugal and kind. She invested, was careful and is ultimately the reason that they can spend so much. They have a responsibility to do the right thing.

They also behave as if they earnt it themselves. They didn’t. My father was a part time truck driver. My grandmother would be appalled at their behaviour; I just know it. (BTW, she also provided a LOT of childcare when we were younger)

There should be a sticky post for anyone thinking about having kids, that no one else signed up to having that kid.
If you insist on having a kid, you can’t first demand freebies - and then be upset when other’s don’t jump to fill thise demands.
And the on top of it call them self-centered!
Crazy!
If tou expect other’s to deal with you kid - ask their permission before popping kids out.

YABU. It may not feel fair but in the end, your gran chose to leave her money to them rather than her dgcs.

Setting up a business isn't for everyone. I can understand them not wanting to. And they don't have to act as grandparents if they don't want to.

I'm sorry they weren't great parents, I know how you feel, but they are entitled to live their lives as they wish.

You could use that exact same argument to junge OP's parents' behaviour though? They chose to have her or "pop her out" as you so eloquently put it, and then distanced themselves from her and offered her no support when she was suffering with PND. Expecting support from your parents when you are struggling with your mental health is not "demanding freebies" fgs.

She can't, she might lose what she views as her inheritance.

Well, they might fritter all the money away then need the state to pay for their care homes when they're 95 but on the other hand, one could have serious health issues, one could have a bad fall, one could fall for someone else and leave, anything could happen to spoil their fun - just count your own blessings and leave them to get on with it.