To feel so much resentment towards them?

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

Well, towards my own parents.

They are in their 60s, and my father took early retirement at 42. Mother has never worked.

They now live a wealthy and luxurious lifestyle (indulge their hobbies in winter and on their own yacht in summer)

They haven’t deserved their wealth btw, it was all inherited. They’ve had opportunities to build a business, to invest and to make their money work sensibly but have never done that.

Meanwhile my DH and I are raising a young family with zero support. It’s tough affording childcare and there have been times when I’ve had to stop my career because childcare was prohibitively expensive. They have no help at all (not talking financial here- meant with just occasional physical help)

They do not know when my DC birthdays are, don’t care about where they go to school and take zero interest in them.

I see so many incredible grandparents helping out my friends (even juggling work etc) and my own parents who are relatively young and fit and don’t work just can’t be arsed. AIBU?

Why would your grandmother be appalled? Did she disagree with enjoying life?

Perhaps. Then it’s a grin and bear it situation.

It sounds like they can afford to pay for any help they will need, rather than depending on OP.

You can enjoy life without being selfish. Most people can, boomers find it more difficult.

I actually sympathise. My parents live a life that is one long holiday. An elderly, childless relative planned to leave their home to me, my siblings and cousins. My parents managed to persuade them to leave it to them instead and let it 'trickle' down to us. Except it won't trickle anywhere near us because holidays.

I wouldn't even begrudge it but for the fact:

• my gm gave them free childcare for over a decade. I can literally count on one hand the times they have given us childcare.

• they retired in their fifties but like to ENDLESSLY complain about how rough they have it

-they prioritised yet another holiday over visiting us when I was seriously ill and just out of hospital. Ditto after birth of DC and indeed during every medical issue ever.

• they voted for Brexit and now have the cheek to complain they can only visit their French holiday home for so many weeks a year.

I am having a lot of therapy. I can recommend it!

I wouldn’t really bother with them OP- don’t do anything to help them! I don’t blame you for being resentful- and I say that as someone who has no grandparents help, but as least mine have the excuse they are dead.

Such a similar situation here. Mine also voted for Brexit and find it harder now to order some boat parts (oh the hardship)

They really upset my SIL and brother when she’d just given birth to their son as they could be arsed to get off the boat to visit.

I’m coming up to the point soon where I’ll be working longer than they did and will probably keep going for 25-30 years.

I agree op, it's hard.

But on here you'll just get shouted down

Just don't tell them about reverse mortgages!

Really sorry for your loss.

A dear friend of mine lost her mother 3 years ago. She often tells me her situation is better than mine because at least her mother truly bothered with her kids for the time she had. Her mother was her best friend.

I’d separate out their financial situation from their emotional relationship with you

What they decided to do with the money is their call

Are you expecting to inherit at some point?

@SunnyEgg No I’m not expecting to inherit.

I really don’t think they’ll be anything left with the way they spend it. Genuinely. One of them is a massive drinker and I expect that will cost them a lot in care fees later on.

I take your point but it’s hard to separate the emotional from the financial because it’s down to behaviour, isn’t it? Like our values just don’t align any more really.

OP, it sounds to me like they are not family oriented and, perhaps, only had children because it was expected, not because they personally wanted them? In my experience, people who really enjoyed parenthood look forward to being hands-on grandparents, whereas those who did not are not really interested in being involved. If that is the case, you are better off without any expectations.

I understand your hurt.
I would take comfort from the fact that your children will not miss what they have never had and they would not have benefited from any influence your parents might have had on them.
This is sad.
But you are a great role model for your kids... strong and independent with a good work ethic... dont let any bitterness detract from that.

My df was mostly absent from my childhood. When i had dc I encouraged a relationship between them and df. Even with his dw... All good so I thought... They came into big money.. He dumped me and the dc. It is hard to carry guilt you can't give your dc decent dgps. And the reinforcement that you aren't worth much to your dps stings.

Op
yanbu but mumsnet can be weird about this kind of thing
Honestly though, don’t let this consume you as it will cause such bitterness and this will be to your detriment.
my kids grandparents were the same- they didn’t provide any support emotionally, childcare wise or financially. They barely saw our children because i was sick of taking them and gps never reciprocating. They couldn’t have been less interested if they tried.
Sadly now they are the ones moaning they are lonely and that the grown up kids don’t bother with them. Mil even moaned that she had to pay someone to mow the lawn despite ‘having a son a stones throw away’
It all comes full circle.
My advice is to enjoy your kids and try to focus on what you do have instead of always hoping your parents step up- they won’t x

I don't blame you for resenting then at all. I would too! To have such an easy life and not want to share any of that with their children is selfish. And taking no interest in their grandchildren to the point that they don't remember their birthdays, that really sucks. I would put a great deal of distance between them and your family.

I read something once (own issues with parents), and to basically summarise - we can’t make people be who we want them to be. We either accept it or we don’t. I chose to not, and therefore my children have very little to do with their grandparents. Although to be fair, when you start your own family, you can’t do it with the hope that everyone else will step in to help you out. Sadly, selfishly, the world isn’t like that these days 😢.

Thank you so much for your kind words this evening. I really appreciate it.

Unfortunately I have the same with my mum, 7 holidays a year, complaining about living on a fixed income. I think she doesn't realise that the fixed income she has is the equivalent of two incomes as she is living off her savings and pension and my dads final salary pension.

She thinks anyone who complains about the cost of living crisis just can't budget

Unfortunately we can’t choose how our parents Will grandparent . My late Mum wasn’t hands on, childcare when needed etc but she showed her love in other ways so I had to accept the situation or have a fall out which I didn’t want to do.
I got to know many grandparents at pick ups who were there because they felt pressured in to doing so by their children and it had negatively impacted their retirement years. They weren’t happy but didn’t dare say anything because didn’t want to upset their children . It’s not always what it seems op

Not all people want to help with grandkids.It is not your right to expect it.You must have benefited from their affluence at some point.its not for you to say what they could be doing
Yes they could help financially but your parents are not obliged to take care of your kids
I know this is going to be unpopular but perhaps people need to think more about the consequences of procreating and the expectatioms they have of others when they do.Guess what ....older people want to.live their lives.

I’m sorry about your relationship with your parents. You clearly feel the hurt. Hopefully you can gain strength from your sibling and you can roll your eyes together.

But you can’t judge their life choices. They’re missing out on you, your lovely family and all that entails. That’s clearly their choice and you need to let it go.

In a way, you have everything and they have nothing. Reframe your viewpoint.

What opportunities did you have growing up OP? Did you receive a good education and opportunities to get a well paid job? If so yes you can be sad at their lack of interest but not resentful of their comforts and lifestyle

Yeah they sound dreadful and very selfish.

Particularly the fact that it's inherited wealth. They must be very stupid not to realise that they should be living off the income yield of the wealth whilst preserving the capital for future generations. They should also have used the opportunity to build a business, as you say, rather than retiring at 42 / never working ffs.

Stupid and selfish and self absorbed. Sorry OP