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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not visit in laws?

74 replies

SophieBu · 18/05/2023 23:22

Just after I got pregnant my in laws moved away, we would go visit even up until I was 8.5 months. A week after I gave birth they came to visit us once and haven’t been down since in the year since my DC was born. When I was on maternity we visited every few weeks but they never came to us or offered even when it was suggested. They once visited the area but didn’t even tell us they were here.

I’m back at work now and don’t have the time to do a 5 hour round trip, they’re complete strangers to my child who is confused when I call them nanny/ grandad as my parents are so close to DC. It’s also expensive with the price of fuel and when we had financial troubles they refused to help (they can afford to) and said we should ask my parents (they can’t afford to and do so much for us) or SIL.

They’re retired so they have time but it feels like they can’t be bothered. It upsets me to think they don’t want to try with my DC and I want her to have a relationship with them but I don’t want to have to fuel that relationship. I have a full time job, a toddler and a house to run, why should I be the once to develop their relationship with my child. They have missed so much already and she has so much love from my very large family who make so much effort with her. AIBU to refuse to visit if they won’t?

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 18/05/2023 23:56

Of course YANBU. There is no point in foisting a relationship with them on your DC when they (the ILs) clearly don't want it. Their loss.

Murdoch1949 · 19/05/2023 01:32

What is your partner's viewpoint on this? They should be taking the lead on this, it's not your responsibility to maintain links. Some grandparents are just not bothered about their grandchildren, the relationship cannot be forced.

haloangel · 19/05/2023 04:05

YANBU and don't let anyone tell you otherwise

autienotnaughtym · 19/05/2023 04:40

Chat to your dh and come to a solution that works. It might be you invite them at Xmas and go visit in summer or similar.

Ivyiris · 19/05/2023 04:57

Yanbu as long as you have made it clear they can visit anytime. They need to put the effort in. They will be the ones who miss out

MiddleParking · 19/05/2023 05:08

Come on now. Your one year old is not ‘confused’ by you calling her grandparents nanny and grandad because of her relationship with your parents. And them not giving you money isn’t a reason to cut them off. You’re right though that you shouldn’t be the driver of your daughter’s relationship with them, that’s their son’s role, but you should be supportive (within reason) of whatever efforts he wants to make in that regard, for your daughter’s sake. If that’s zero, then that’s his problem.

SarahLucSc · 19/05/2023 05:13

I am in exactly the same boat. My ILs always want us (working) to go to them (retired). We do go about 4 times a year (is a 6 hour round trip). They NEVER visit us. Very frustrating.

TallerThanAverage · 19/05/2023 06:12

My in-laws lived nearer than yours so that made it easier and my parents are in the next street but in the time from DD being born in 1999 then DS in 2001 until my PIL died in 2018 I can count on one hand the number of times my in-laws came round. But we wanted our children to have a relationship with their grandparents and so we ensured they saw them. When they died, FIL in the March then MIL in August I said to DH that our DC & PIL were so lucky to have known each other and to have seen them grow up into young adults. I personally think that to visit every month wouldn’t be unreasonable based on the journey times. We took ours practically every week but like I said my PIL were closer.

handydandynotebook · 19/05/2023 06:33

Have you actually invited them to visit? Some people feel like they should wait until they are invited.

Totalwasteofpaper · 19/05/2023 06:45

Where is your husband in all this?

My DD is coming up for 18m and i have never taken her to the in laws. I was clear from the outset i wasnt travelling and my dh needed to facilitate the relationship.
That said my dd is not "confused" about their names... you are hamming that up a bit there.

Mil comes every 3-5months, never video calls and we just nod and smile when she bangs on about going to see her. Dh gives a "we'll see" if pushed.

I am busy - you arent. You do the legwork.

Original poster
SophieBu · 19/05/2023 07:16

MiddleParking · 19/05/2023 05:08

Come on now. Your one year old is not ‘confused’ by you calling her grandparents nanny and grandad because of her relationship with your parents. And them not giving you money isn’t a reason to cut them off. You’re right though that you shouldn’t be the driver of your daughter’s relationship with them, that’s their son’s role, but you should be supportive (within reason) of whatever efforts he wants to make in that regard, for your daughter’s sake. If that’s zero, then that’s his problem.

DC is very aware of who nanny and grandad are with my parents and can say nanny and grandad. When we have gone to visit and said it’s nanny and grandad DC looks around and calls out for nanny. Presumably my mum given that in laws are standing right in front of us.
it’s not so much about the money, but you’d think when your child and grandchild were about to lose their home you’d offer to lend some money. We literally needed to borrow it for 2 months until I had commission come through.

It’s more about the lack of effort, the other things just add to an already tense situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieBu · 19/05/2023 07:23

Murdoch1949 · 19/05/2023 01:32

What is your partner's viewpoint on this? They should be taking the lead on this, it's not your responsibility to maintain links. Some grandparents are just not bothered about their grandchildren, the relationship cannot be forced.

My partner feels his family don’t make much effort with him anyway. They do big family meals for siblings birthdays but nothing for his etc so he gets quite upset by the whole thing and tries to keep the peace by getting a visit from them on the diary.

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 19/05/2023 07:27

I would call them a different name to your parents or add their surname, your child will soon learn that grandma and grandpa are different to nanny and grandad or talk about nanny and grandad Smith.

BubziOwl · 19/05/2023 07:31

Don't understand why PP are scoffing at the idea of a 1yo being confused by calling two strangers the same name they call family members they see all the time. They're 1 ffs, they hardly understand the concept of grandparents do they 🤣 they just know that names relates to certain people. If they see one Nanny frequently and one rarely they're obviously going to heavily associate that name with the first and be confused to associate it with the latter

Hazelnuttella · 19/05/2023 07:34

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 19/05/2023 07:27

I would call them a different name to your parents or add their surname, your child will soon learn that grandma and grandpa are different to nanny and grandad or talk about nanny and grandad Smith.

Agree with this.

But no, I wouldn’t visit very often either. If they mention it your DH can say, oh we came to you last time, I thought you’d be coming to see us next.

Have you actually invited them though OP? Not everyone is comfortable inviting themselves.

Shinyandnew1 · 19/05/2023 07:36

DC is very aware of who nanny and grandad are with my parents and can say nanny and grandad. When we have gone to visit and said it’s nanny and grandad DC looks around and calls out for nanny

You call both sets of grandparents the same names? Yes, I can see why that is confusing…

Do your in laws ask you to come and see them?
Do you invite them to come to you?

whitebreadjamsandwich · 19/05/2023 07:37

Call them different bloody names....that's your LOs confusion. But yes, they don't sound great. What's your partners take on it?

Original poster
SophieBu · 19/05/2023 07:49

handydandynotebook · 19/05/2023 06:33

Have you actually invited them to visit? Some people feel like they should wait until they are invited.

we regularly invite them and give quite a range of dates. We have even offered to take time off if during the week is easier for them.

OP posts:
Notellinganyone · 19/05/2023 07:51

@TallerThanAverage - every month! Bloody hell, no chance I’d be doing that with work and a toddler. It’s a reciprocal thing and if In laws are fit and healthy they should do their bit.

Original poster
SophieBu · 19/05/2023 07:51

BubziOwl · 19/05/2023 07:31

Don't understand why PP are scoffing at the idea of a 1yo being confused by calling two strangers the same name they call family members they see all the time. They're 1 ffs, they hardly understand the concept of grandparents do they 🤣 they just know that names relates to certain people. If they see one Nanny frequently and one rarely they're obviously going to heavily associate that name with the first and be confused to associate it with the latter

Thank you!! If I ask where pepper pig is DC can point her out. If they understood the concept of a grandparent at that age it would be different but it’s more a name association thing.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 19/05/2023 07:54

SophieBu · 19/05/2023 07:51

Thank you!! If I ask where pepper pig is DC can point her out. If they understood the concept of a grandparent at that age it would be different but it’s more a name association thing.

Show quote history

So, call them nanny and grandad smith, and nanny and grandad Jones…

Original poster
SophieBu · 19/05/2023 07:58

Shinyandnew1 · 19/05/2023 07:36

DC is very aware of who nanny and grandad are with my parents and can say nanny and grandad. When we have gone to visit and said it’s nanny and grandad DC looks around and calls out for nanny

You call both sets of grandparents the same names? Yes, I can see why that is confusing…

Do your in laws ask you to come and see them?
Do you invite them to come to you?

I asked what they wanted to be called and everyone chose the same. They’re so absent though it probably wouldn’t matter what we call them. DC knows the lady in the local supermarket better.

They don’t ask, we regularly invite them and suggest several dates. They normally say they’re busy mowing the lawn or similar trivial things or tell us they will let us know and never come back to us.

OP posts:
PoseyFlump · 19/05/2023 08:03

Have they always been like this or just since you asked for financial help? It's not uncommon for siblings to be treated unfairly and maybe that was the way the family was before you came along. My grandparents were the same. My uncle was the golden child.

sonjadog · 19/05/2023 08:04

The obvious answer to the name thing is to call them something different. When they said both sets wanted to be called the same name, why didn't you tell them that wouldn't work and ask them to pick other names?

If they aren't interested in a relationship, you can't force it. But the name thing you can sort out quickly.

Original poster
SophieBu · 19/05/2023 08:04

Hazelnuttella · 19/05/2023 07:34

Agree with this.

But no, I wouldn’t visit very often either. If they mention it your DH can say, oh we came to you last time, I thought you’d be coming to see us next.

Have you actually invited them though OP? Not everyone is comfortable inviting themselves.

Show quote history

I did add something on the end to differentiate but it doesn’t make much difference with their absence. Thinking I shouldn’t have included that bit because it seems to have been focused on a lot.

We invite them regularly and either get a no or ‘we will let you know’ and then never hear back.

DC had an operation and I made a group chat with family saying please please can I have an extra pair of hands whilst DC recovers so I can get some rest at times or at least a shower (DH couldn’t get much time off) - everyone offered to pop round for a day even took annual leave and in less response was good luck.

OP posts: