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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not visit in laws?

74 replies

SophieBu · 18/05/2023 23:22

Just after I got pregnant my in laws moved away, we would go visit even up until I was 8.5 months. A week after I gave birth they came to visit us once and haven’t been down since in the year since my DC was born. When I was on maternity we visited every few weeks but they never came to us or offered even when it was suggested. They once visited the area but didn’t even tell us they were here.

I’m back at work now and don’t have the time to do a 5 hour round trip, they’re complete strangers to my child who is confused when I call them nanny/ grandad as my parents are so close to DC. It’s also expensive with the price of fuel and when we had financial troubles they refused to help (they can afford to) and said we should ask my parents (they can’t afford to and do so much for us) or SIL.

They’re retired so they have time but it feels like they can’t be bothered. It upsets me to think they don’t want to try with my DC and I want her to have a relationship with them but I don’t want to have to fuel that relationship. I have a full time job, a toddler and a house to run, why should I be the once to develop their relationship with my child. They have missed so much already and she has so much love from my very large family who make so much effort with her. AIBU to refuse to visit if they won’t?

OP posts:
MeridianB · 20/05/2023 06:24

It’s truly horrible, but I don’t think you’re going to change them. For whatever reason, they have decided not to spend their time with their son and his family.

If you step back now, refocus the energy away from them and on helping DH come to terms with their appalling behaviour, it may take the pressure out of the situation. Going very low contact with them will reset expectations and give you, DH and DS more time for the people who do care. 🌷

Pottedpalm · 20/05/2023 06:53

SophieBu · 19/05/2023 07:16

DC is very aware of who nanny and grandad are with my parents and can say nanny and grandad. When we have gone to visit and said it’s nanny and grandad DC looks around and calls out for nanny. Presumably my mum given that in laws are standing right in front of us.
it’s not so much about the money, but you’d think when your child and grandchild were about to lose their home you’d offer to lend some money. We literally needed to borrow it for 2 months until I had commission come through.

It’s more about the lack of effort, the other things just add to an already tense situation.

Show quote history

That’s because they are not Nanny and Grandad. They are two different people. Give them different names, or let them
choose. That is what most families do.

mainsfed · 20/05/2023 07:03

I would just stop contacting them. No drama but just stop facilitating them by doing things like letting your parents book a holiday near them so DP can see them.

These people deserve zero consideration, the fact that they play favourites with their dc and organise birthday dinners for their other children but not your DP speaks volumes.

Leave the door open if they want to visit, but don’t validate them by visiting them.

mainsfed · 20/05/2023 07:05

Pottedpalm · 20/05/2023 06:53

That’s because they are not Nanny and Grandad. They are two different people. Give them different names, or let them
choose. That is what most families do.

Show quote history

Did you actually read OP’s posts? She did let PIL choose. And weird you’re preaching to OP on what families do, she has done nothing wrong.

Original poster
SophieBu · 20/05/2023 07:11

Greenable · 19/05/2023 13:38

Would it be possible to build up a relationship with video calling? Lots of people are close who rarely see each other in the flesh.

People can have many reasons for not wanting to travel that they don’t want to talk about, such as bladder, bowels, anxiety, finances etc…

As an adult your child will be used to dealing with people through screens. Technology could be a solution here.

Ive offered that before and MIL doesn’t seem to be too keen on the idea.
The frustrating part is we are all on a tracking app and they do travel, will often be very close to us but never want to see us. I’m then very stubborn and think well f* you then, we won’t be seeing you until you make the effort.

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieBu · 20/05/2023 07:12

mainsfed · 20/05/2023 07:03

I would just stop contacting them. No drama but just stop facilitating them by doing things like letting your parents book a holiday near them so DP can see them.

These people deserve zero consideration, the fact that they play favourites with their dc and organise birthday dinners for their other children but not your DP speaks volumes.

Leave the door open if they want to visit, but don’t validate them by visiting them.

This is basically what I want to do, I just worry I’m over reacting but it seems like most people agree that it’s not unreasonable to force a relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieBu · 20/05/2023 07:16

Pottedpalm · 20/05/2023 06:53

That’s because they are not Nanny and Grandad. They are two different people. Give them different names, or let them
choose. That is what most families do.

Show quote history

I will but that’s not really the issue.

I just don’t have time/ energy/ any motivation to facilitate their relationship with DC. I don’t want to drive to see them when they won’t do the same (with no legit excuse) which will ultimately mean they will not have a relationship with DC. I don’t think it should be my responsibility with a full time job and a 1 year old, it was more the question of other people agreed with this.

OP posts:
Greenable · 20/05/2023 07:18

SophieBu · 20/05/2023 07:11

Ive offered that before and MIL doesn’t seem to be too keen on the idea.
The frustrating part is we are all on a tracking app and they do travel, will often be very close to us but never want to see us. I’m then very stubborn and think well f* you then, we won’t be seeing you until you make the effort.

Show quote history

I’m sorry to hear they’re like that. That puts a different spin on it.

Pottedpalm · 20/05/2023 07:51

mainsfed · 20/05/2023 07:05

Did you actually read OP’s posts? She did let PIL choose. And weird you’re preaching to OP on what families do, she has done nothing wrong.

Show quote history

Yes, they chose the same. So.. a discussion ensues.. ‘It will be confusing for small DC.. can we think again?’
If all else fails have Granny Pat and Granny Jo. It’s what families do.
No preaching, so calm down.

Ladybug14 · 20/05/2023 08:28

You can't call both grandmothers 'nanny' and grandfathers 'grandad'. Thars crazy

At the very least it needs to be Nanny Rosie and Nanny Jean (or whatever)

And you can show your child photos and explain who is who

However if your PIL don't want to visit you and you don't have time to visit them, then your child isn't going to have a relationship with them

I'd try and visit a couple of times a year for a long weekend, if possible

Otherwise Zoom/Teams/Skype every few weeks

IamSlave · 20/05/2023 08:54

I never understood the sw situations. The partners says they don't make an effort with him and get upset... They are the same with the grandchildren.. But you and only you seem to be trying to male this into a relationship.

Many women do this.

Drop the rope and don't force what isn't there!

IamSlave · 20/05/2023 08:55

@Ladybug14.. Why? It's not ops responsibility or issue.

IamSlave · 20/05/2023 08:56

@SophieBu yes I agree!

It's not and never was anything to do with you. Leave it and don't feel guilty

Ladybug14 · 20/05/2023 13:38

IamSlave · 20/05/2023 08:55

@Ladybug14.. Why? It's not ops responsibility or issue.

Agreed. Although might it be nice for the child to know Grannie Rosie and Grannie Jean?

MeridianB · 20/05/2023 17:26

Ladybug14 · 20/05/2023 13:38

Agreed. Although might it be nice for the child to know Grannie Rosie and Grannie Jean?

Show quote history

It might. But as the effort is all one way, they presumably can’t be bothered!

Stoptheworldiwanttogetoff · 21/05/2023 09:25

I have a similar issue with my in-laws only they live about 10 minutes away. It’s been 6 weeks since they last saw my DC and that was at a family gathering. They make no effort although they do with other grandkids which does annoy me a bit. I used to visit frequently but realised that it is never reciprocated and it is a lot more hassle for me to take 2 kids to their not child friendly house than for them to pop round to mine. I just stopped bothering and left it to them to decide whether they want a relationship with my DC or not. It seems not!

If I were you I definitely would not be making that sort of trip to see people who clearly don’t give a toss about the relationship. If they were to get off their backsides and visit you then I’d be more inclined to take the time to go see them but no way should it all be 1 way from your side, especially with how much more difficult it is travelling with a toddler and with work.

Anderson2018 · 21/05/2023 09:34

Your not being unreasonable to not go and visit but your being unreasonable to expect your kid to recognise them as grandparents so young when they live so far away, and your being unreasonable to expect them to help you out with money. They can decide what relationship they have and if they are not the kind of people that believe in hand outs then it’s not for you to get upset about it’s not your parents. If your husband says they’ve never made much effort with him what are you expecting from them? My husbands mum lives in London and we live in Scotland, she’s in her 70’s and has plenty money but I would never even think of asking her if we were in financial trouble which we have been before, not her problem. She doesn’t make much of an effort with family and her grandkids which I don’t lose sleep over. It is what it is, no point in getting upset over something that you can’t change. Concentrate on what’s going on in your own house and stop worrying about what you can’t change

Original poster
SophieBu · 22/05/2023 14:58

IamSlave · 20/05/2023 08:54

I never understood the sw situations. The partners says they don't make an effort with him and get upset... They are the same with the grandchildren.. But you and only you seem to be trying to male this into a relationship.

Many women do this.

Drop the rope and don't force what isn't there!

I get a lot of passive aggressive comments from PiLs and SiLs which is why I came to mumsnet to see if other people agreed whether I was being unreasonable not to facilitate a relationship with no effort in return. I wanted to understand if other women are in this situation and whether it is my responsibility to take DC there.

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieBu · 22/05/2023 15:05

Pottedpalm · 20/05/2023 07:51

Yes, they chose the same. So.. a discussion ensues.. ‘It will be confusing for small DC.. can we think again?’
If all else fails have Granny Pat and Granny Jo. It’s what families do.
No preaching, so calm down.

Show quote history

The point of the confusion was to show them being strangers, I do differentiate when I talk about them but the names aren’t really the issue.
I wanted to know if other mums felt I should be making the effort with nothing in return or if they agreed that I shouldn’t have to facilitate that relationship on top of a very busy work load.

OP posts:
Hazelnuttella · 23/05/2023 09:27

SophieBu · 22/05/2023 14:58

I get a lot of passive aggressive comments from PiLs and SiLs which is why I came to mumsnet to see if other people agreed whether I was being unreasonable not to facilitate a relationship with no effort in return. I wanted to understand if other women are in this situation and whether it is my responsibility to take DC there.

Show quote history

No, it’s your DH’s responsibility to manage the relationship with his family. Also, birthday/ Christmas presents/ cards. Anything related to your family.

Yes a lot of women will expect that you pick up the wife work, because that’s what’s happened historically. But that’s not a good reason to do it!

Original poster
SophieBu · 30/05/2023 17:05

PoseyFlump · 19/05/2023 08:03

Have they always been like this or just since you asked for financial help? It's not uncommon for siblings to be treated unfairly and maybe that was the way the family was before you came along. My grandparents were the same. My uncle was the golden child.

Always like this. I think it was like this before, I’m just fed up of the sister comments about us not visiting!

OP posts:
PoseyFlump · 30/05/2023 17:52

And there's no mobility issues either? Like needing to use a downstairs bathroom when yours is upstairs etc? The distance does make travelling costs expensive in this day and age but it's not something you can easily say without it sounding like you begrudge it. The sister should know better to be honest. Some families are old fashioned, expecting the kids to do all the running after them.

Linkstolondon · 30/05/2023 17:59

It’s not up to your in laws to bail you out from financial problems. They don’t sound particularly invested in having a relationship with you or your child which is a shame, but it’s their loss. Personally I would stop trekking over to see them

bussteward · 30/05/2023 18:40

I don’t think your DC is missing out by not having a relationship with then: they don’t sound nice: Some DC have lots of extended family, some don’t; plenty only have o r set of grandparents. If I were you I’d concentrate on the grandparents who give a shit, and strategically mute any conversations with passagg in-laws who think you should do all the running.

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