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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not visit in laws?

74 replies

SophieBu · 18/05/2023 23:22

Just after I got pregnant my in laws moved away, we would go visit even up until I was 8.5 months. A week after I gave birth they came to visit us once and haven’t been down since in the year since my DC was born. When I was on maternity we visited every few weeks but they never came to us or offered even when it was suggested. They once visited the area but didn’t even tell us they were here.

I’m back at work now and don’t have the time to do a 5 hour round trip, they’re complete strangers to my child who is confused when I call them nanny/ grandad as my parents are so close to DC. It’s also expensive with the price of fuel and when we had financial troubles they refused to help (they can afford to) and said we should ask my parents (they can’t afford to and do so much for us) or SIL.

They’re retired so they have time but it feels like they can’t be bothered. It upsets me to think they don’t want to try with my DC and I want her to have a relationship with them but I don’t want to have to fuel that relationship. I have a full time job, a toddler and a house to run, why should I be the once to develop their relationship with my child. They have missed so much already and she has so much love from my very large family who make so much effort with her. AIBU to refuse to visit if they won’t?

OP posts:
Odile13 · 19/05/2023 08:04

Well yes, it doesn’t seem fair you have to keep doing the long trip. If they can’t find time to come, I understand why you aren’t keen to go. It should be a reciprocal relationship. How often does your partner want to go and see them?

Re: the grandparent names, I would start calling the two sets of grandparents different names. I thought most people did this to avoid confusion with little ones - we did it from day 1.

underneaththeash · 19/05/2023 08:05

There's clearly an issue OP, I'd ask them what it is and then decide if you're going to bother with them at all. Eg if they don't like coming to you because it's too cramped, the bed's uncomfy, you only give them vegan food. Is a lot different to they don't like you!

But yes, they need different names Nanny Claire and Nanny Emma for example.

Original poster
SophieBu · 19/05/2023 08:06

sonjadog · 19/05/2023 08:04

The obvious answer to the name thing is to call them something different. When they said both sets wanted to be called the same name, why didn't you tell them that wouldn't work and ask them to pick other names?

If they aren't interested in a relationship, you can't force it. But the name thing you can sort out quickly.

The name thing isn’t a big deal tbh. I can change that and at the moment they’re strangers anyway.

it is more the issue of them not making an effort to see DC and not having the energy myself to be the driving force behind a relationship. I don’t want her to miss out but it’s a bit much with work etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieBu · 19/05/2023 09:32

Murdoch1949 · 19/05/2023 01:32

What is your partner's viewpoint on this? They should be taking the lead on this, it's not your responsibility to maintain links. Some grandparents are just not bothered about their grandchildren, the relationship cannot be forced.

He gets upset about it. He understands where I’m coming from, wishes his family would make more of an effort but is a bit defeat by constantly trying and getting nothing back.

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieBu · 19/05/2023 09:39

Odile13 · 19/05/2023 08:04

Well yes, it doesn’t seem fair you have to keep doing the long trip. If they can’t find time to come, I understand why you aren’t keen to go. It should be a reciprocal relationship. How often does your partner want to go and see them?

Re: the grandparent names, I would start calling the two sets of grandparents different names. I thought most people did this to avoid confusion with little ones - we did it from day 1.

The names will be changed, it was more an explanation of them being a stranger to DC.

He doesn’t care how often but I think when he sees how close my family are he would want something similar, we just need more effort from them but their expectation is I pack everything up and come to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieBu · 19/05/2023 09:41

Totalwasteofpaper · 19/05/2023 06:45

Where is your husband in all this?

My DD is coming up for 18m and i have never taken her to the in laws. I was clear from the outset i wasnt travelling and my dh needed to facilitate the relationship.
That said my dd is not "confused" about their names... you are hamming that up a bit there.

Mil comes every 3-5months, never video calls and we just nod and smile when she bangs on about going to see her. Dh gives a "we'll see" if pushed.

I am busy - you arent. You do the legwork.

He wants more effort from them.

I wish I could go back and have taken your stance to begin with! It probably would have meant less frustration on my part.

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 19/05/2023 09:55

Not up to you to facilitate a relationship with his parents. If he wants to he can take the kid while you stay home.
Id invite them and if they choose not to come that’s up to them. They sound like they aren’t arsed. You can’t make them be arsed about your child

notteallyme · 19/05/2023 10:14

Yanbu. It's very nice for kids to have a lovely relationship with grandparents but they don't seem to want it. I would simply stop. It's causing you and DH frustration and pain. Let DH facilitate whatever relationship he can or wants. Might be reaching here but any chance they moved away when you were pregnant so they couldn't be called on to help?!

Your family sounds great, do they know how you feel about them? Concentrate on that relationship. Are they inclusive of DH? If it ever came to it mine would rather keep DH than me I think!

FarmGirl78 · 19/05/2023 10:53

SarahLucSc · 19/05/2023 05:13

I am in exactly the same boat. My ILs always want us (working) to go to them (retired). We do go about 4 times a year (is a 6 hour round trip). They NEVER visit us. Very frustrating.

For both you and the OP, I'm wondering, do you actually invite them to visit you in your home? I don't think I'd just expect people to invite themselves.....that seems a bit rude to me and I'd feel uncomfortable just inviting myself somewhere....but I'm fully aware that might just be me!

cherryolive · 19/05/2023 11:50

My own mum hasn't so much as taken my kids to the park in nearly 10 years, my DH family so involved and welcoming. I feel for your DH, its embarrassing to have such a lack of effort from your own family, and I know I used to feel resentful. I've accepted it all now and just feel really grateful to have supportive, helpful in-laws. It's shitty but you can't force it it they're unwilling. I say this with love - fuck 'em

Original poster
SophieBu · 19/05/2023 11:51

notteallyme · 19/05/2023 10:14

Yanbu. It's very nice for kids to have a lovely relationship with grandparents but they don't seem to want it. I would simply stop. It's causing you and DH frustration and pain. Let DH facilitate whatever relationship he can or wants. Might be reaching here but any chance they moved away when you were pregnant so they couldn't be called on to help?!

Your family sounds great, do they know how you feel about them? Concentrate on that relationship. Are they inclusive of DH? If it ever came to it mine would rather keep DH than me I think!

That potentially was part of it, they’re not fans of anyone popping in and definitely don’t like babysitting.

My family love DH. They planned a family weekend away for august bank holiday last year and DH mentioned he was hoping to see his mum so they paid for everyone to stay near in laws so we could have our big family trip and he could see parents! Him and my dad go to football together etc so I imagine they would pick him over me too 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieBu · 19/05/2023 11:53

FarmGirl78 · 19/05/2023 10:53

For both you and the OP, I'm wondering, do you actually invite them to visit you in your home? I don't think I'd just expect people to invite themselves.....that seems a bit rude to me and I'd feel uncomfortable just inviting myself somewhere....but I'm fully aware that might just be me!

Show quote history

I do specifically invite them and suggest different dates. Unfortunately it seems they just don’t want to do the journey even if they’re in the area they won’t even let us know.

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieBu · 19/05/2023 11:55

cherryolive · 19/05/2023 11:50

My own mum hasn't so much as taken my kids to the park in nearly 10 years, my DH family so involved and welcoming. I feel for your DH, its embarrassing to have such a lack of effort from your own family, and I know I used to feel resentful. I've accepted it all now and just feel really grateful to have supportive, helpful in-laws. It's shitty but you can't force it it they're unwilling. I say this with love - fuck 'em

It’s so frustrating! I guess we are lucky that our DC have at least one set that of grandparents in their life.

OP posts:
strawberryFforever · 19/05/2023 11:55

Yeah, do go but just limit visits to once a year. Tag on to a holiday

Neodymium · 19/05/2023 12:02

My mil doesn’t visit or want us to visit. My kids call her grandma name as my grandma (the kids great grandma) lives close by and we see her often. We see mil once a year at Xmas. She isn’t interested in my kids at all. I took ds to visit her when he was a newborn. 2.5 hour drive there. We had morning tea. Then it was apparent that she had other plans and we needed to leave. I didn’t want to put ds back in the car again so soon to drive home so I stayed until it got so uncomfortable that I left and went to a coffee shop to hang out for abit. Last visit I ever made.

morekidsthanhands · 19/05/2023 12:08

If I were you I would say something like 'it's your turn to come to us next - when are you free?' When you next speak. Then after a while when the inevitable 'we haven't seen dc for ages bla bla' comments come up I would say 'oh its definitely your turn to come to us - when are you coming?' And repeat until the message is made clear.

I have grandparents that have always been like this and expect everyone to come to them. Luckily they are close by and they are getting on a bit now so I'll let them off haha.

Winter2020 · 19/05/2023 13:02

I would be careful not to spend all your spare time/energy and money visiting the Grandparents that can't be bothered to the detriment of the ones that can.

Pearfacebananapoop · 19/05/2023 13:24

I do understand totally that they should
Put effort in and visit and no need for you to put yourself out. The only thing that makes me slightly cautious is my own experience with one set of grandparents. My Nan would have lived to have seen us more but my grandad was a misery, she didn't drive and he controlled what they did. So my Nan did miss out on things with us even though my parents tried to facilitate her as much as possible.

Greenable · 19/05/2023 13:38

Would it be possible to build up a relationship with video calling? Lots of people are close who rarely see each other in the flesh.

People can have many reasons for not wanting to travel that they don’t want to talk about, such as bladder, bowels, anxiety, finances etc…

As an adult your child will be used to dealing with people through screens. Technology could be a solution here.

ExpatInSlavikLand · 19/05/2023 14:15

SophieBu · 19/05/2023 07:23

My partner feels his family don’t make much effort with him anyway. They do big family meals for siblings birthdays but nothing for his etc so he gets quite upset by the whole thing and tries to keep the peace by getting a visit from them on the diary.

Show quote history

Ahh. This is unfortunately your answer, right here: they do nothing for your husband (while they do do things for his siblings), so it looks like his child, in turn, just isn't that important to them.

Your poor husband.

I'd stop bothering, if I were you, there's just no point flogging the proverbial dead horse.

Concentrate on helping to cultivate your child's relationship with your parents, OP, they clearly love being his grandparents.

Booklover40 · 19/05/2023 14:17

If you’re dp isn’t bothered why should you be? It’s a non issue IMO.

TallerThanAverage · 19/05/2023 20:46

Notellinganyone · 19/05/2023 07:51

@TallerThanAverage - every month! Bloody hell, no chance I’d be doing that with work and a toddler. It’s a reciprocal thing and if In laws are fit and healthy they should do their bit.

I suppose the question that the OP needs to ask themselves is that if the roles were reversed and her parents weren’t visiting would she be prepared to make that trip? We’ll never know. It does seem to be the case that PIL are wrong whatever they do. If they visited to the same extent as the OPs family that would probably be wrong because as working parents they would then be complaining that they don’t have enough family time for the OP, DH and DD as her PIL visits would encroach on it.

MiddleParking · 19/05/2023 21:05

If they’re actively declining invitations then you’re absolutely not out of order to not make any more effort than that. It’s a shame but it’s their loss.

crew2022 · 20/05/2023 05:55

I think I would stop trying so hard. Accept they may not be too bothered about developing a relationship with your child. Invite them occasionally if it suits you but I'd stop going there.
Either they will change and make more effort or they won't and your dd won't have a relationship with them but has a lovely relationship with her other GP.
You can't force it, and you're the one who is getting upset by it so stop

frenchiemummy92 · 20/05/2023 06:02

YANBU.

My partners father & step mum have not seen my children in four years. Missed their birthdays last year, not even a text. Not hopefully for this year either. Never ring or text to see how they are. We stopped bothering when it became clear they weren't bothered.

Seems it's only our children they don't contact or bother with as they bother with other grandchildren. I will not have them walking in and out their lives. Luckily my children never ask as it's been so long.

They are the ones missing out at the end of the day.