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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off by this?!

77 replies

Hye000 · 18/05/2023 23:00

So… my partner’s mother introduced me to her builders the other day when I went round there to drop my youngest DC off as I was going to work. I have met them before but only in passing. Anyway, she introduced me as “this is my granddaughters mother”

I mean, wtf?! Me and her son have been together nearly 9 years!!! Would it have killed her to say “partner”, she could have even just said daughter in law… the builders wouldn’t have cared. I felt so embarrassed as even the builder was trying to work it out in his head I could tell. By the way, they have met my partner before as he has told me he has had conversations at length with one of them. It’s really just rubbed me up the wrong way and made me question how she really feels about me

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 18/05/2023 23:02

Is she very literal about everything? If she is about other stuff, it's just her, slightly pedantic explanation. If she isn't, I would find it a bit wtf.

CatherinedeBourgh · 18/05/2023 23:03

Seriously? I mean, being her granddaughter's mother is pretty important, isn't it? Is there a hierarchy of relationships that people need to refer to each other as now? Maybe she was worried that if she said daughter in law you'd correct her and embarrass her? Who cares?

I guess coming from a family which is not so much blended as whisked I'm pretty used to referring to people by their blood relationship to each other, so I wouldn't be bothered by this.

endofthelinefinally · 18/05/2023 23:06

If you aren't married to her son you aren't technically her DIL, so maybe she was trying to describe you accurately, albeit clumsily.

MrsDoylesDoily · 18/05/2023 23:06

I'm really surprised you've fussed over this.

You are her granddaughter's mother and considering her granddaughter was there at the time and her son was not, it made sense to use that term 🤷‍♀️

Also, you've just called her 'My partner's mother' and not 'My MIL'.

Ponoka7 · 18/05/2023 23:06

I know the builder I use and I talk about my DD's. He's met my GC. When I talk about my DD who has the children, I say "the one who's got my GC". I don't see the issue, or are you the only DIL, is your DP an only child?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/05/2023 23:08

I'd probably assume that she had been telling them all about her grand daughter...and then kind of followed the conversation on 'and this is her mum!'

sweeneytoddsrazor · 18/05/2023 23:11

Had he met your GD before, or has she been talking to the builder about her GD.

Spiderboy · 18/05/2023 23:15

I think it’s a weird way of phrasing it. Almost like she was trying to deliberately distance your position in the family. I wouldn’t overthink it at this point though

BaaBaaBambino · 18/05/2023 23:19

I don't think daughter in law or son's partner are somehow more prestigious than grand daughter's mother. My parents and in laws are besotted with the kids and I can totally imagine my mil calling her son my grand daughter's dad.

Also, she probably mentioned the grand daughter to the builder so in that context it makes sense how she referred to you.

Isittimeformynapyet · 18/05/2023 23:20

This reminds me of a restaurant review I read in which a man was complaining about the service when celebrating his "son-in-law's wife's birthday". I responded that must surely be his daughter and he replied "Yes it's my daughter, so what?" 🤔

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/05/2023 23:22

Unless she has form for undermining you I would assume she’s just being literal.

You aren’t technically her DIL, and arguably DGD’s mother is a more significant description than DS’s partner

Itsanotherhreatday · 18/05/2023 23:24

The builders know your daughter when she’s round - for all they know you could be ‘any’ of her sons girlfriends -

The builders would understand you being the girls mother - as they’ve met her.

I doubt it’s any reflection on how she sees you more how the relationship is easily described.

NoSquirrels · 18/05/2023 23:28

Genuine question, OP - why would being described as her DS’s DP be a better description than her GD’s mother?

AndTheSurveySays · 18/05/2023 23:32

YABU. It's sounds like you're a little sentisitve about not being married.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/05/2023 23:37

But that what you are in the most literal sense isn't it, YABU.

Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 06:54

Partners mother has multiple GC & the builders have seen my child (I have 3), because she takes her out of the house when they are there. She has only one son so only one DIL or son’s Girlfriend/Partner whatever.

yes she has form for being funny, we have had an extremely strained relationship in the past so I do take these things to heart as she has previously been extremely nasty towards me!
she had multiple grandchildren so they builder was confused and replied “oh so your daughter then?” As she has one son and one daughter and the daughter has children aswell” (my child was in a car seat inside the house, they were outside so my daughter wasn’t technically there at the time, I came to the house and she wasn’t inside so I went out the back to let her know we had arrived as I needed to get off for work).

Hope this gives a little more context.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 06:56

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/05/2023 23:08

I'd probably assume that she had been telling them all about her grand daughter...and then kind of followed the conversation on 'and this is her mum!'

she has 7 grandchildren so It seems more complicated for her to have introduced me that way

OP posts:
Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 06:59

MrsDoylesDoily · 18/05/2023 23:06

I'm really surprised you've fussed over this.

You are her granddaughter's mother and considering her granddaughter was there at the time and her son was not, it made sense to use that term 🤷‍♀️

Also, you've just called her 'My partner's mother' and not 'My MIL'.

The reason I described her as partners mother was for the purpose of explaining on her as if I wrote MIL but then said my partner who I’m not married to, someone would of nit picked and asked me if we were married. Builder isn’t going to ask “well are they married” or when did they get married. We have had a really tough time to get to a place where I am even comfortable in this woman’s presence. She made it quite clear when me and my partner got together that she didn’t approve and has done ALOT of things! Part of the reason we have been together so long and never married

OP posts:
Popsicle42 · 19/05/2023 07:01

My partner and I aren’t married and I do find some people, particularly the next generation up, don’t really know how to refer to us. I think they worry about causing offence by using the wrong label. I wonder whether you’re reading more into it because of what you perceive as a difficult relationship between you.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 19/05/2023 07:02

She can’t call your DIL because you’re not her DIL. You haven’t made that commitment.

You’re just her son’s girlfriend, and she was factually correct in that you are her granddaughters mother.

Sirzy · 19/05/2023 07:09

This seems like a prime example
of looking for something to be offended by!

Lysianthus · 19/05/2023 07:13

Why not say 'this is Hye'. I can't imagine it was anything other than a polite introduction, no expectation of a long conservation or of striking up a new friendship, so why on Earth did the builders need that detail? You are Hye. End of.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 19/05/2023 07:24

If you haven't gotten married because of her, I think couples therapy is in order.
No one would stop me from marrying my partner.

Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 09:58

Lysianthus · 19/05/2023 07:13

Why not say 'this is Hye'. I can't imagine it was anything other than a polite introduction, no expectation of a long conservation or of striking up a new friendship, so why on Earth did the builders need that detail? You are Hye. End of.

I think that’s why it irritated me and made me feel like she was being difficult as even the builder looked awkward and assumed I was her daughter. I’ve never seen anyone described like that, I could understand if me and her son weren’t together but I just found it weird. Maybe I am being a sensitive Sally but I can’t imagine introducing her down the school gates to the teachers or someone as “my daughters dads mother” or something equally confusing (as the builder doesn’t actually know my daughter, I have 3 daughters in fact!)

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 19/05/2023 10:01

MrsDoylesDoily · Yesterday 23:06
I'm really surprised you've fussed over this.

You are her granddaughter's mother and considering her granddaughter was there at the time and her son was not, it made sense to use that term 🤷‍♀️

Also, you've just called her 'My partner's mother' and not 'My MIL'.”

This. You’re not her DIL.