Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off by this?!

77 replies

Hye000 · 18/05/2023 23:00

So… my partner’s mother introduced me to her builders the other day when I went round there to drop my youngest DC off as I was going to work. I have met them before but only in passing. Anyway, she introduced me as “this is my granddaughters mother”

I mean, wtf?! Me and her son have been together nearly 9 years!!! Would it have killed her to say “partner”, she could have even just said daughter in law… the builders wouldn’t have cared. I felt so embarrassed as even the builder was trying to work it out in his head I could tell. By the way, they have met my partner before as he has told me he has had conversations at length with one of them. It’s really just rubbed me up the wrong way and made me question how she really feels about me

OP posts:
MrsDoylesDoily · 19/05/2023 11:13

Hye000 · 19/05/2023 11:09

And that’s fine, it’s personal preference. I wouldn’t be offended if she didn’t refer to me as DIL, more just embarrassed at the way this situation went down and that even the builder was struggling to work it out so it was obvious that she hadn’t just been talking about the baby like others have said. He even changed the subject as it was just really weirdly awkward at the time

Show quote history

I would imagine he changed the subject because he was there to work and wasn't interested in unimportant chitchat?

I really think you're overthinking the whole non event.

itsmylife7 · 19/05/2023 11:14

She doesn't like you, has ignored you and her own grandchildren, I'd say the way she introduced you is the least of your problems.

Don't let your children be second best to her.

My ex dil is always referred to as my dil as she's the mother of my Grandchildren.

She also calls me mil even though she wasn't married to my son.

Clipboard007 · 19/05/2023 11:15

Yes, as the grand daughter was there it was much easier to use her as the reference and connection. It is what I would have said. Can't see any malice at all.

Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 11:16

VyeBrator · 19/05/2023 11:10

So anyone who states facts you dislike is a troll? How does that work on a chat forum?

Every word you've typed about your partner's mum makes it clear you can't stand each other - yet here she is doing the childcare.

You even said upthread "My kids are rarely with her, we don’t even go round very often".

So it's mostly just when you need childcare, no?

Show quote history

Not at all, loads of people have said I was being too sensitive, not bothered. You only seem to pick out the parts you can use to give a nasty reply. I was giving that info as a back story… we’ve been together 9years, a lot can happen in 9 years and if you had bothered to read anything other than the bad parts you would see that we have got on well for the last 3years. I still don’t send my kids there overly often as me and my partner work a lot and when we have time off we spend it as a family rather than sitting round MIL house constantly, we can’t fall out if we aren’t in each others pockets constantly. It’s worked for the last 3years so I’m not going to change it and certainly not desperate for childcare, the reason she has my youngest now is to save an argument as she took offence when we said we got a childminder for her as she would be more reliable as MIL is always looking after SIL’s kids

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 19/05/2023 11:17

Obviously no love lost. It sounds like she doesn’t see you as family. I’d see her as little as possible.
I’d be tempted to spend the £175 to get married and send her Christmas cards etc from son and his wife but that’s not a good reason to legally marry!

flumpalamp · 19/05/2023 11:18

What if she had said 'this is my son's partner, she's not my DIL as they aren't married but she is the mother of my grandchild called X".

Would that really make you feel better?

Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 11:18

MrsDoylesDoily · 19/05/2023 11:13

I would imagine he changed the subject because he was there to work and wasn't interested in unimportant chitchat?

I really think you're overthinking the whole non event.

Show quote history

She was out there talking to him for a while as I came through the front of the house and stood in the hallways for a few minutes as I knew she must be home as the door was open and her car was there. He was working as they were talking, he was up on the roof and she was outside talking, I left the baby in the hallway and went to look for her

OP posts:
ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 19/05/2023 11:19

I can't see how 'this is my sons girlfriend' is better/more okay to you than 'this is my granddaughters mum' but there we are.

Aprilx · 19/05/2023 11:19

You are not her daughter in law, I don’t know why you keep referring to that as an option. I would never refer to anyone as an in-law unless there was a marriage.

That said I think it was a strange way of introducing you, did she not even give your name? I suppose if she said this is Hye, my granddaughters mother, it is not too bad, but Hye, my sons partner would have been better.

Dixiechickonhols · 19/05/2023 11:19

I’d use paid childcare then you aren’t beholden in any way.

EmpressMoo · 19/05/2023 11:21

Your second post starts with "the builders have seen my child", OP, but now you are saying that they haven't Hmm

If they have, it makes perfect sense to refer to you as your DD's mum. If they haven't, you can see why posters are confused...

It sounds like you have plenty of other issues with your MIL to be pissed off with though.

Clipboard007 · 19/05/2023 11:22

If you were at school, wouldn't it make sense to say this is my daughter's grandmother as your dd is the point of reference.

It is easy to take offence when there are other issues, I have done it myself. This issue itself isn't a problem but is indicative of your mistrust of her motives.

Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 11:22

itsmylife7 · 19/05/2023 11:14

She doesn't like you, has ignored you and her own grandchildren, I'd say the way she introduced you is the least of your problems.

Don't let your children be second best to her.

My ex dil is always referred to as my dil as she's the mother of my Grandchildren.

She also calls me mil even though she wasn't married to my son.

I appreciate this comment as I know I’m not going mad and trying to nit pick. I have tried to be civil with her for the sake of my relationship and my kids. We live extremely close together and partners family is very very close so it was so difficult when we didn’t speak and she lived just round the corner. I get the impression that she tolerates me now as she knows she has no choice. Whereas years ago, she seemed to have the upper hand and my partner felt as though he would be disowned or something if he stuck up for me. Now he is 100% committed and is more confident to speak up, she changed her tune when he made it clear he wanted to be with me no matter what it cost with regards to his relationship with his parents

OP posts:
Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 11:25

Dixiechickonhols · 19/05/2023 11:17

Obviously no love lost. It sounds like she doesn’t see you as family. I’d see her as little as possible.
I’d be tempted to spend the £175 to get married and send her Christmas cards etc from son and his wife but that’s not a good reason to legally marry!

I should seriously consider this.. 😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 11:27

EmpressMoo · 19/05/2023 11:21

Your second post starts with "the builders have seen my child", OP, but now you are saying that they haven't Hmm

If they have, it makes perfect sense to refer to you as your DD's mum. If they haven't, you can see why posters are confused...

It sounds like you have plenty of other issues with your MIL to be pissed off with though.

I can’t see where I said that??

OP posts:
Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 11:31

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 19/05/2023 11:19

I can't see how 'this is my sons girlfriend' is better/more okay to you than 'this is my granddaughters mum' but there we are.

Because they know her son, she has multiple grandchildren 7 infact so it does make more sense if she had of said “Adam’s gf” as they know him and there would have been no confusion at all

OP posts:
Ohfgsjon · 19/05/2023 11:33

Hye000 · 19/05/2023 10:03

But she has 7 grandchildren between her son and daughter, 5 of them are girls so not like it would have narrowed it down.

Show quote history

I imagine that the builder couldn't give less of a shit though.

Goldenbear · 19/05/2023 11:33

Popsicle42 · 19/05/2023 07:01

My partner and I aren’t married and I do find some people, particularly the next generation up, don’t really know how to refer to us. I think they worry about causing offence by using the wrong label. I wonder whether you’re reading more into it because of what you perceive as a difficult relationship between you.

I think it can be this, I know my Mum would never have referred to DH as Son-in-law before we were married but she is quite traditional.

IcakethereforeIam · 19/05/2023 11:43

Could have been worse, 'this is the bint my son's shacked up with'.

Sympathy though OP. I'm in a similar situation but I wouldn't like to be referred to as DIL (because I'm not) and I feel a little old for girlfriend, sadly 😔

threecupsofteaminimum · 19/05/2023 11:45

YABU, honestly, who gives a shit. It feels like you're trying to find problems.

EmpressMoo · 19/05/2023 11:48

It's the first line of your second post, OP:

"Partners mother has multiple GC & the builders have seen my child (I have 3)"

thecatsmeows · 19/05/2023 11:55

@Hye000 I'd been married to my ex husband for 10 years (together for 15 years) when my father in law introduced me to a friend of his as husband's 'girlfriend'. He was at our wedding. Really pissed me off.

YourFault · 19/05/2023 11:55

Who gives a shit, stop whinging and complaining.

Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 12:16

EmpressMoo · 19/05/2023 11:48

It's the first line of your second post, OP:

"Partners mother has multiple GC & the builders have seen my child (I have 3)"

would have meant to say haven’t but didn’t proof read. They haven’t met any of my 3 children but have met my partner multiple times

OP posts:
Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 12:16

YourFault · 19/05/2023 11:55

Who gives a shit, stop whinging and complaining.

You don’t give a shit, clearly so why are you here 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread