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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off by this?!

77 replies

Hye000 · 18/05/2023 23:00

So… my partner’s mother introduced me to her builders the other day when I went round there to drop my youngest DC off as I was going to work. I have met them before but only in passing. Anyway, she introduced me as “this is my granddaughters mother”

I mean, wtf?! Me and her son have been together nearly 9 years!!! Would it have killed her to say “partner”, she could have even just said daughter in law… the builders wouldn’t have cared. I felt so embarrassed as even the builder was trying to work it out in his head I could tell. By the way, they have met my partner before as he has told me he has had conversations at length with one of them. It’s really just rubbed me up the wrong way and made me question how she really feels about me

OP posts:
Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 10:02

I think if they hadn’t met her son (my partner, boyfriend.. whatever reference) and they had only met my one daughter and she was the ONLY grandchild, then it was make sense to them. But it just sounded overly and unnecessarily complicated.

not being married to him isn’t because we aren’t committed or any other reason that we just don’t have the finances to get married. We are committed in every other way (mortgaged home together, share finances, multiple children etc)

OP posts:
Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 10:03

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/05/2023 23:08

I'd probably assume that she had been telling them all about her grand daughter...and then kind of followed the conversation on 'and this is her mum!'

But she has 7 grandchildren between her son and daughter, 5 of them are girls so not like it would have narrowed it down.

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Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 10:05

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/05/2023 10:01

MrsDoylesDoily · Yesterday 23:06
I'm really surprised you've fussed over this.

You are her granddaughter's mother and considering her granddaughter was there at the time and her son was not, it made sense to use that term 🤷‍♀️

Also, you've just called her 'My partner's mother' and not 'My MIL'.”

This. You’re not her DIL.

I’m not bothered that she didn’t say DIL, I’m not but I’m her sons partner. They have met him before, multiple times and she only has one son so not confusing. Also, my daughter wasn’t there when she introduced us. She’s a baby and she was in the house and they were all out in the back garden. They won’t have seen the baby as when she has the baby she takes her out because of the mess and noise

OP posts:
GoodChat · 19/05/2023 10:07

She could easily have said to them "I'm going out today as I have my granddaughter" before you arrived. Then "this is my granddaughters mother" makes perfect logical sense.

SarahSmith2023 · 19/05/2023 10:08

SunnySaturdayMorning · 19/05/2023 07:02

She can’t call your DIL because you’re not her DIL. You haven’t made that commitment.

You’re just her son’s girlfriend, and she was factually correct in that you are her granddaughters mother.

Honestly, why are you always so horrible to people?

she's 'not just her sons girlfriend'

I really do wish you'd sort your attitude out.

SarahSmith2023 · 19/05/2023 10:10

@Hye000

it wasn't the best way to introduce you. But I'm sure you weren't surprised!

why do you let her babysit your children? I wouldn't, she'll be dripping all kinds of crap into the older ones ears.

VyeBrator · 19/05/2023 10:20

SarahSmith2023 · 19/05/2023 10:10

@Hye000

it wasn't the best way to introduce you. But I'm sure you weren't surprised!

why do you let her babysit your children? I wouldn't, she'll be dripping all kinds of crap into the older ones ears.

So often the case on MN though isn't it?

Can't stand the 'MIL', gives a completely one-sided story about how it's all the woman's fault, but very happy to accept the childcare.

Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 10:23

SarahSmith2023 · 19/05/2023 10:08

Honestly, why are you always so horrible to people?

she's 'not just her sons girlfriend'

I really do wish you'd sort your attitude out.

Show quote history

Thank you, I was starting to think “am I just being an arse?” But I know what this woman is like and she can be absolutely vile. We have only began speaking and entering each others homes again in the last 2-3years, before that she would drive past me and my kids in the street and blank us. My partner would take the kids to her house but she would never come to my home. I know I’m not over thinking it when even my partner was pissed off about it and normally he never see’s anything bad in her!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 10:26

VyeBrator · 19/05/2023 10:20

So often the case on MN though isn't it?

Can't stand the 'MIL', gives a completely one-sided story about how it's all the woman's fault, but very happy to accept the childcare.

Show quote history

Lol, this isn’t the case here so I hope you aren’t referring to my situation. I didn’t allow her to babysit my children until we were able to be civil again, I had massive fall outs with my partner over that because I said I wouldn’t allow my kids to be around someone that I don’t feel I can contact and ask how they are or take my kids round there and go in and settle them.

it’s not one size fits all with that comment of “dislikes mil but happy to take childcare” my situation is not the same

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Maddy70 · 19/05/2023 10:26

She has probably mentioned her granddaughter so told them you were her mum.

Unclench

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/05/2023 10:28

I can’t see why that’s a big deal - it’s accurate, plus who cares what the builders think?

Shes right that you’re not her DIL - maybe she wishes you were married? Partner is fine but I wouldn’t say it was more special to be “my son’s partner” than “by gdd’s mother”. It’s the same amount of effort to say too’

Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 10:29

SarahSmith2023 · 19/05/2023 10:10

@Hye000

it wasn't the best way to introduce you. But I'm sure you weren't surprised!

why do you let her babysit your children? I wouldn't, she'll be dripping all kinds of crap into the older ones ears.

My kids are rarely with her, we don’t even go round very often as my kids can see the difference in the way “SIL” kids are treated, they are the favourite and can do no wrong, my kids are always being commented and criticised. If I tell her one of my kids did something she will straight away make a comparison to the other GC like “oh yeah X did that the other day” just makes me roll my eyes in my head. I’ve learnt tolerate for my partners sake

OP posts:
fantasmasgoria1 · 19/05/2023 10:31

I would have called you daughter in law. I don't think you have to be married to be in laws. If you are in a long term committed relationship then you are in laws in my eyes. I would have word with her and ask her why she didn't at least call you her son's partner.

Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 10:35

fantasmasgoria1 · 19/05/2023 10:31

I would have called you daughter in law. I don't think you have to be married to be in laws. If you are in a long term committed relationship then you are in laws in my eyes. I would have word with her and ask her why she didn't at least call you her son's partner.

Thank you! I can appreciate if we had been together a year or two at a stretch but after 9 years and multiple children, does it really make much of a difference. We are as good as married and if she saw me as family I would think if i were in that situation I would refer to my sons gf of 9years as my DIL. I think my back was automatically up due to the previous history and when it was at its worst she told her son she would never accept me into her family so understandably I am reading into it as I know how she has felt about me previously and the way I was treated will always leave a bad taste in my mouth

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EmpressMoo · 19/05/2023 10:45

The builders have met your DD so it makes sense to introduce you as your DD's mum.

Unless there is a backstory, I wouldn't read anything into it.

My DS has a partner who has a DC from a previous relationship. If it is someone who knows my family, I would obviously just refer to them by name. If I am talking about them to a stranger in their absence, I would call them my DIL or DGS etc because that is how I consider them, even if it isn't legally or biologically correct, and it would be a bit weird to give a convoluted explanation to a stranger. On the very rare occasion that I am introducing them in person to someone who doesn't know my family well (like your builder), I am always a bit awkward about knowing what to call them because I don't actually know what they would prefer to be called. It's not like it's something you discuss! If the person had met my DS, I would describe "DIL" as DS's partner. If they had met my DGS but not my DS, I would probably describe "DIL" as my DGS's mother.

VyeBrator · 19/05/2023 10:54

Hye000 · 19/05/2023 10:26

Lol, this isn’t the case here so I hope you aren’t referring to my situation. I didn’t allow her to babysit my children until we were able to be civil again, I had massive fall outs with my partner over that because I said I wouldn’t allow my kids to be around someone that I don’t feel I can contact and ask how they are or take my kids round there and go in and settle them.

it’s not one size fits all with that comment of “dislikes mil but happy to take childcare” my situation is not the same

Show quote history

Lol, this isn’t the case here so I hope you aren’t referring to my situation. I didn’t allow her to babysit my children until we were able to be civil again

Well the cap certainly fits doesn't it?

You clearly can't stand each other and yet here she is, doing the childcare.

Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 10:58

EmpressMoo · 19/05/2023 10:45

The builders have met your DD so it makes sense to introduce you as your DD's mum.

Unless there is a backstory, I wouldn't read anything into it.

My DS has a partner who has a DC from a previous relationship. If it is someone who knows my family, I would obviously just refer to them by name. If I am talking about them to a stranger in their absence, I would call them my DIL or DGS etc because that is how I consider them, even if it isn't legally or biologically correct, and it would be a bit weird to give a convoluted explanation to a stranger. On the very rare occasion that I am introducing them in person to someone who doesn't know my family well (like your builder), I am always a bit awkward about knowing what to call them because I don't actually know what they would prefer to be called. It's not like it's something you discuss! If the person had met my DS, I would describe "DIL" as DS's partner. If they had met my DGS but not my DS, I would probably describe "DIL" as my DGS's mother.

The builder haven’t met my daughter though. That’s what I mean, they have met her son (my partner) many times as he goes there everyday so they would even know him by name so she could have even said (e.g) “this is Adam’s partner/gf Sarah”. The child wasn’t there at the time, we were outside and the baby was in the house in her car seat

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 19/05/2023 11:00

There’s obviously a huge back story. On face if it I don’t see it as offensive - this is ‘Katie’s’ mum or ‘Dave’s’ girlfriend are interchangeable with a quick intro to a builder.

Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 11:00

VyeBrator · 19/05/2023 10:54

Lol, this isn’t the case here so I hope you aren’t referring to my situation. I didn’t allow her to babysit my children until we were able to be civil again

Well the cap certainly fits doesn't it?

You clearly can't stand each other and yet here she is, doing the childcare.

Show quote history

Go troll another Thread please, you have no clue and just here to be an arse. See yourself out 👋

OP posts:
Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 11:03

Dixiechickonhols · 19/05/2023 11:00

There’s obviously a huge back story. On face if it I don’t see it as offensive - this is ‘Katie’s’ mum or ‘Dave’s’ girlfriend are interchangeable with a quick intro to a builder.

But the point I keep trying to make is that the builders don’t know any of my kids, they know my partner!! He sees them everyday and speaks to them loads, if she had said “it’s Katie’s mom” I would have assumed she had been speaking about the GC but even the builder got confused by her saying GC mom as he turned around and said “oh so your daughter then?!”

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Dixiechickonhols · 19/05/2023 11:05

I personally wouldn’t ever use MIL/DIL for unmarried even as quick shorthand as you aren’t ‘in law’.

Dixiechickonhols · 19/05/2023 11:09

Hye000 · 19/05/2023 11:03

But the point I keep trying to make is that the builders don’t know any of my kids, they know my partner!! He sees them everyday and speaks to them loads, if she had said “it’s Katie’s mom” I would have assumed she had been speaking about the GC but even the builder got confused by her saying GC mom as he turned around and said “oh so your daughter then?!”

Show quote history

Did she just clarify you were Dave’s gf/partner then?
Without a backstory I’d just assume grandchild she was minding was at forefront of her mind so that popped out first.

Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 11:09

Dixiechickonhols · 19/05/2023 11:05

I personally wouldn’t ever use MIL/DIL for unmarried even as quick shorthand as you aren’t ‘in law’.

And that’s fine, it’s personal preference. I wouldn’t be offended if she didn’t refer to me as DIL, more just embarrassed at the way this situation went down and that even the builder was struggling to work it out so it was obvious that she hadn’t just been talking about the baby like others have said. He even changed the subject as it was just really weirdly awkward at the time

OP posts:
VyeBrator · 19/05/2023 11:10

Hye000 · 19/05/2023 11:00

Go troll another Thread please, you have no clue and just here to be an arse. See yourself out 👋

Show quote history

So anyone who states facts you dislike is a troll? How does that work on a chat forum?

Every word you've typed about your partner's mum makes it clear you can't stand each other - yet here she is doing the childcare.

You even said upthread "My kids are rarely with her, we don’t even go round very often".

So it's mostly just when you need childcare, no?

Original poster
Hye000 · 19/05/2023 11:12

Dixiechickonhols · 19/05/2023 11:09

Did she just clarify you were Dave’s gf/partner then?
Without a backstory I’d just assume grandchild she was minding was at forefront of her mind so that popped out first.

Show quote history

Nope!!! The builder replied saying “oh so your daughter then? The one who makes cakes” And she said “no” she’s a nurse. Then he changed the subject and starting talking about how he managed to get a doctors appointment 🥴 it was so weird. She only has two children so it’s not like she has loads of ‘Son’s partners’

OP posts: