Should I drop out of this badly organised and overly expensive hen party?

[WorkingNonStopParent]

I (30f) have been invited on a Hen Party for a family friend. I have known her 6 years now and she came to my own hen party last year. We speak occasionally and I am godmother to her 2yo son. Her hubby to be is like a brother from another mother; we grew up together pretty much as our parents are besties.

Anyway, I have been invited on this Hen Do which is happening in July this year. Firstly, I only know the bride, one of her bridesmaids (hubby to be sister), my own sister and the brides future MIL. I do not know any of the other girls, and unfortunately first impressions from this WhatsApp group is they are a whiney, unorganised bunch. Actually pinning down what we wanted to do ended up with 2 people being kicked off the group as they didn't agree with the plan (wanted to go abroad although the rest of us cant afford it and they thought we were being unreasonable!). We settled with a party through an agency in the UK for £265 per person. For me, this too much but didn't want to let the bride down (she is a really lovely person) so accepted I would have to use a credit card to afford this. We were asked to pay a £50 deposit directly to the agency back in January. Its probably worth noting that I do not drink at all and detest nightclubs so wasn't planning to go to the one supposedly included anyway. Since then we heard nothing.......

Finally, a couple of weeks ago the (I presume?) MOH got in contact asking who had paid the deposit as only 6 had been received out of a group of 13. Turns out only me, my sister, future MIL, Sister FOM and 2 others had paid. No one else had. This is sending me big red flags already! The MOH (again I actually don't know if she is or not) then contacted saying that parking at the hotel wasn't included so this would be an extra £20 per night. This is when we suddenly thought oh god how much extra will we need to pay for?? This isn't local so there will be fuel to get there and to get to all the 'activities', food and drink costs and (if they actually pull their fingers out) there may be clothes/costumes needed. The bill is creeping up and I generally don't think I can afford it! On top of that, the group is SOOO unorganised! I've been to a couple of hen parties which were so organised to the final detail and the cost paid included everything. They don't seem to realise there are additional costs and the fact that the majority didn't even pay the deposit makes me think some will drop out leaving the burden of the cost to those of us who end up going?? I still don't know where we are staying nor if we need to bring anything etc. No one in the bridal party seems to have stepped up to take control. Its been radio silence. I'm not even sure if I want to spend a weekend with these people.

The final balance is due to 2 weeks and, again no one has commented on this nor that fact that 2/3 of the group never even paid the deposit!, I just cant decide what to do. Would I BTA if I pulled out now and cut my losses? I don't want to disappoint my friend but can I really afford to put myself in debt for a hen party that I will mostly not enjoy?? We also received an invitation today to a 'Wedding Shower' (whatever that is??) and expected to bring a gift; more expense! The irony is that it looks like more effort was made on that one invite than on this entire Hen Do..... What do I do? My head says run but I think I'd feel guilty ditching the bride...

YABU for complaining you don't know many people- that's partly what the hen is for, so you can meet some other guests ahead of the wedding. I met one of my best friends on a hen do!

YANBU for not being able to afford it, although it sounds like that was always the case and not down to poor organisation- presumably you knew there would be additional expenses like fuel on top?

You can pull out now if you can't afford it, but bear in mind that will increase costs for everyone else.

Such a shame that you now have to work / look after your elderly aunt / attend a family party that weekend.

Unfortunate coincidence with the dates. Nevertheless make it up to the bride by taking her out for a nice lunch and hearing all about the wedding planning.

You will get a lot of support on here though, as this is MN where asking anyone to spend more than 10p on a hen do is the height of unpleasantness.

Can you take charge in order to get it to suit you a bit better? If no one else is, I'd be tempted to not miss it but make it work for me and that would be taking the reins I guess. Maybe MOH or whoever is organising it is also struggling with the others not committing and might be grateful for you?

The final balance is due to 2 weeks and, again no one has commented on this nor that fact that 2/3 of the group never even paid the deposit

why don’t you comment, OP? And ask if there will be other costs added on, and what happens if those who haven’t paid deposits drop out?

take charge and help them organise a better value event.

Isn't a bridal shower the same as a hen do?

I think you are being dramatic.

Sounds like an absolute disaster. I’d definitely be asking questions if not totally pulling the plug on it.
if you do that now there will at least be time to potentially organise something cheaper and closer instead

Although she’s having a bridal shower - so how is that not the hen do? No way I’d be going to that. Bring a gift???? Lol. No

You need to communicate clearly.
Ask calm and clear questions.
Say what you can do and afford and say that if the costs aren't known you won't be able to commit, don't do this behind closed doors, let everyone see you being clear and calm.
All the bride of she's ok, sympathiser with her and whether she is also worried and whether a plan b needs to be done if plan a goes to pot.

You don't need to cut and run leaving bride high and dry, you can be a good friend to get in this difficult situation, make it clear your loyalty is to her but you have financial limits and you're probably not the only one.

What is a party organised through an agency for 265+ per person?! Does that include overnight stays? It seems v expensive.

I sort of agree with those saying be blunt / take control.

YANBU.

I hate these hen dos. They are just way over the top and end up costing a lot more. It will probs cost around £400 with everything added up and then more money in this “wedding shower “ which I never heard of before. Plus it’s going to be a lot of money especially if you don’t drink/detest nightclubs.

I would just say politely you can’t make it due to the cost. You don’t have to explain yourself. Not a good sign that only six people have paid so I would suspect people are likely to drop out. You would lose the £50 deposit but that’s nothing compared to how much the whole thing would cost.

Would tell the bride you can’t make it but I would offer to do something together like a brunch to make up for the hen do. If she’s a real friend she’ll understand. I would hate to think a friend was making themselves in debt just to attend a hen do which is essentially a party. What happened to just a brunch or get together instead of weekends away. I spent over £600 on my best friends hen do and will never ever spend that much again. The hen do itself was unremarkable, people just bitched and it was cliquey. Out of the 20 that went she only speaks to about six of them now. So to me it’s just not worth it spending all that money.

I wouldn't go. But then I wouldn't have agreed to go to one of these things in the first place.

I am old school. A meal and few drinks - maybe a pub crawl is a hen night all this bells and whistles and destination stuff is ridiculous.

😂

You could be the proactive one I guess, and start getting people enthused in the WhatsApp group?

I find it weird that you are worried that people will drop out and cost you more money, then go on to say you are thinking of doing exactly the same thing.

£300 -500 all in seems to be the standard cost for a hen weekend these days, maybe £200 if it's just one night with a hotel stay , so nothing stands out about the cost.

Could you just say something along the lines of 'Hi Hen do group chat, seeing as loads of people haven't paid the deposits and the balance is nearly due I'm assuming that the 'insert event' is off. Is there a plan B? Fancy Bar in local city do a nice afternoon tea/prosecco lunch/whatever for £X and anyone wanting to party into the night could stay on after?'. At least you might get a response?
Or even 'Is the wedding shower replacing the hen do?'.

The fact that only 6 have paid a deposit would tell me that this weekend isnt going ahead. Has it even been booked?
I wouldnt take on the task of arranging it myself, especially with a group of flakey people!.
Honestly id drop out and accept you wont get your deposit back .

Being a bride to be doesn't render a woman incapable of thought, conversation and decision making. Its not necessary for all the arrangements for her hen do to happen without her knowledge or input with no one daring to speak to her in case it's 'spoiled' and the MOH her elected representative on earth.
Tell the bride an edited version if what you've said here. Tell her you can't afford to risk your money on this but would like a meal/spa/whatever with her and your sister and anyone else who fancies that.

"Thanks for the shower invite. This sounds lovely and has come at a great time. I'll be attending this in place of the hen, I'm afraid. The costs have spiralled beyond what I can manage. Looking forward to seeing you all at the shower"

This!!

I love the way that OP called the other hens a whiney group then proceeds to whine through

Yeah and by pulling out now she's just doing what she's accusing the others of thinking of doing!

Speak up. Ask. Has everyone paid their deposits?
No? Right I'm out then as I cant afford to cover you all.

Then take hen out for a night on the town.

The very first question I would ask is " how is this still going ahead if only 6/13 have paid the deposit?"

Unfortunately I think people have been hit hard by the COL crisis, especially if your mortgage has increased. Go back and ask the MOH what's included in the cost and what the extras are ie food, drinks etc and suggest noone should pay the balance until they know whether it will go ahead. What I used to do was get the money first for a holiday, put it in a separate account and pay by credit card which I'd got the money to pay off.