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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I drop out of this badly organised and overly expensive hen party?

77 replies

WorkingNonStopParent · 18/05/2023 16:21

I (30f) have been invited on a Hen Party for a family friend. I have known her 6 years now and she came to my own hen party last year. We speak occasionally and I am godmother to her 2yo son. Her hubby to be is like a brother from another mother; we grew up together pretty much as our parents are besties.

Anyway, I have been invited on this Hen Do which is happening in July this year. Firstly, I only know the bride, one of her bridesmaids (hubby to be sister), my own sister and the brides future MIL. I do not know any of the other girls, and unfortunately first impressions from this WhatsApp group is they are a whiney, unorganised bunch. Actually pinning down what we wanted to do ended up with 2 people being kicked off the group as they didn't agree with the plan (wanted to go abroad although the rest of us cant afford it and they thought we were being unreasonable!). We settled with a party through an agency in the UK for £265 per person. For me, this too much but didn't want to let the bride down (she is a really lovely person) so accepted I would have to use a credit card to afford this. We were asked to pay a £50 deposit directly to the agency back in January. Its probably worth noting that I do not drink at all and detest nightclubs so wasn't planning to go to the one supposedly included anyway. Since then we heard nothing.......

Finally, a couple of weeks ago the (I presume?) MOH got in contact asking who had paid the deposit as only 6 had been received out of a group of 13. Turns out only me, my sister, future MIL, Sister FOM and 2 others had paid. No one else had. This is sending me big red flags already! The MOH (again I actually don't know if she is or not) then contacted saying that parking at the hotel wasn't included so this would be an extra £20 per night. This is when we suddenly thought oh god how much extra will we need to pay for?? This isn't local so there will be fuel to get there and to get to all the 'activities', food and drink costs and (if they actually pull their fingers out) there may be clothes/costumes needed. The bill is creeping up and I generally don't think I can afford it! On top of that, the group is SOOO unorganised! I've been to a couple of hen parties which were so organised to the final detail and the cost paid included everything. They don't seem to realise there are additional costs and the fact that the majority didn't even pay the deposit makes me think some will drop out leaving the burden of the cost to those of us who end up going?? I still don't know where we are staying nor if we need to bring anything etc. No one in the bridal party seems to have stepped up to take control. Its been radio silence. I'm not even sure if I want to spend a weekend with these people.

The final balance is due to 2 weeks and, again no one has commented on this nor that fact that 2/3 of the group never even paid the deposit!, I just cant decide what to do. Would I BTA if I pulled out now and cut my losses? I don't want to disappoint my friend but can I really afford to put myself in debt for a hen party that I will mostly not enjoy?? We also received an invitation today to a 'Wedding Shower' (whatever that is??) and expected to bring a gift; more expense! The irony is that it looks like more effort was made on that one invite than on this entire Hen Do..... What do I do? My head says run but I think I'd feel guilty ditching the bride...

OP posts:
fajitaaa · 18/05/2023 16:48

The final balance is due to 2 weeks and, again no one has commented on this nor that fact that 2/3 of the group never even paid the deposit! you haven't though. Speak up!

TheShellBeach · 18/05/2023 16:49

greennotepad · 18/05/2023 16:25

You will get a lot of support on here though, as this is MN where asking anyone to spend more than 10p on a hen do is the height of unpleasantness.

Indeed, you will soon learn that a Hen Do is the height of chavviness and ought to be avoided.

saveforthat · 18/05/2023 16:53

greennotepad · 18/05/2023 16:25

You will get a lot of support on here though, as this is MN where asking anyone to spend more than 10p on a hen do is the height of unpleasantness.

Do you not think £200 plus pp before you add on extra costs is an awful lot for a hen night? I do. When did hen nights become so extravagant, what happened to going down the local pub/greek restaurant.

Sugargliderwombat · 18/05/2023 16:54

If you really really like her I'd take the lead a bit. Say what you've said here - hey all I'm a bit worried about deposit, is wveryone still planning on coming ? Do we have final cost for extra bits props / costumes? Ask and get the ball rolling.

cannaecookrisotto · 18/05/2023 16:54

My only concern would be if I paid and quite a few of the others didn't, so the options at that point may end up being pay more to cover the costs of the non payers or lose money already paid.

Tbh, I wouldn't have committed to this in the first place as it's really not my thing, but find out a bit more info before paying the final balance.

Tandora · 18/05/2023 16:55

Wait, so you are worried that people will drop out, leaving you with extra pay, so your solution is to do that to others first?

Catlord · 18/05/2023 16:57

Well... if it's a good friend and you'd already figured out you could just about manage the costs then I'd probably make a good attempt to politely firm up plans and final costs before dropping out. Perhaps privately message the MOH as it sounds like she's dropped the ball somewhat and it might be more diplomatic to check what's happening directly, is the event still on if only half have paid or is it now a shower instead rather than bring the whole group in. If yes, you could ask if anyone wants to car share and split parking/ petrol.

Sissynova · 18/05/2023 16:59

Tandora · 18/05/2023 16:55

Wait, so you are worried that people will drop out, leaving you with extra pay, so your solution is to do that to others first?

Drop them before they can drop you it seems!

LakeTiticaca · 18/05/2023 17:00

Who remembers the good old days when a hen/stag party was a local night out, pub crawl, strippogram, nightclub,
Groom To Be possibly handcuffed to a lamp post.
Someone holding bride to beds hair back while she bars in the toilet.
Back to your own bed about 4am, a few quid light
Jobs a good'un 🤣🤣

LakeTiticaca · 18/05/2023 17:01

*While she barfs in the toilet

DisappearingGirl · 18/05/2023 17:02

I think you're not wrong to be a bit concerned! I think I would be asking, before the final balance is due, how many people are going, and if it is fewer than originally planned (eg 6 rather than 13) then will the cost per person still be £265? Also I'd want to know what costs are included in the £265 and what aren't? I would just ask these things politely on the group chat - they are fair questions and I'm sure others will be wondering the same!

Crikeyisthatthetime · 18/05/2023 17:02

OP you have had plenty of time to use your words. Don't leave it any longer, do one of:

  1. Take control yourself and see if it is salvageable; or
2. Pull out now, and explain clearly but sorrowfully that you can no longer afford to go. Since you can't really afford it, I reckon it should be option 2.
greennotepad · 18/05/2023 17:03

saveforthat · 18/05/2023 16:53

Do you not think £200 plus pp before you add on extra costs is an awful lot for a hen night? I do. When did hen nights become so extravagant, what happened to going down the local pub/greek restaurant.

Show quote history

For me personally, I think that sounds about right- I've been to about 10 hen dos in the last 5 years and they all average roughly that. For other people that will seem cheap, and for the OP it's clearly too expensive (although she should have said as much from the off).

peachicecream · 18/05/2023 17:04

What on earth is a 'wedding shower'? Don't people just bring wedding gifts to the wedding?

It sounds like a mess OP. In your situation, if it was a close friend I would step up and take charge of organising because no one else is going to and I would want my friend to have a good hen do.

If not a particularly close friend/ if I didn't care that much, I would just clearly state my budget and that I need to know the plan and final cost by X date, otherwise I will not be able to commit and may have to pull out.

Be clear that you will not go over your stated budget and don't pay a deposit until there is a clear, finalised plan. Give ample warning and be polite, but stick to your guns.

Shodan · 18/05/2023 17:29

I've just googled 'wedding shower' and it appears to be an event that 'celebrates the bridal couple'.(I thought this was the wedding??) Gifts are given, apparently.

So now you're expected to fork out for an expensive hen do, then give a gift at this wedding shower, then attend the wedding (with, presumably, yet another gift).

I'd be backing out of both pre-parties and just go to the wedding I think. There's got to be a limit, surely, on what people can expect others to pay to celebrate their union.

But you should text the others and say that the costs have spiralled too much already, and you think there'll still be other costs on top of that, so very sorry, can't afford to go. You could always suggest a more reasonable hen do- a meal out or something. It may well be that those who haven't paid yet are just waiting for someone to suggest it.

Hairpinleg · 18/05/2023 17:32

If it's too expensive for you then don't go. Just make a polite excuse.

AutumnCrow · 18/05/2023 17:35

I'd bin it off and consider it £50 well lost.

HatchetJob · 18/05/2023 17:41

Many years ago I was going to a hen do for a very good friend organised by her sister.
She sent the cost for everything, I could afford it, I then bought expensive non refundable train tickets. I was travelling a significant distance compared to everyone else.
She then emailed me she had forgotten it didn’t include food and drink and was more money. Then another saying I needed to stay in a room on my own as no one knew me, and another massive cost. And money for another activity.
I pulled out and she went mad (I think it forced everyone’s cost up). I just said it was too much I only agreed on the first costing.
Got to the wedding and everyone I knew had also dropped out (before mobile phones and group chats). Hen do was her sister and her sisters mates. Ridiculous.

Americano75 · 18/05/2023 17:42

Fandabedodgy · 18/05/2023 16:39

I wouldn't go. But then I wouldn't have agreed to go to one of these things in the first place.

I am old school. A meal and few drinks - maybe a pub crawl is a hen night all this bells and whistles and destination stuff is ridiculous.

Oh my God, this.

Batalax · 18/05/2023 17:50

You may find that saying “I’m assuming this isn’t going ahead if only a few of us have paid a deposit” may set the ball rolling. In which case you can express dissatisfaction at losing £50 and then can then quite understandably be reluctant to pay more.

And a wedding shower is awful! Surely that’s a hen do.

Chickychoccyegg · 18/05/2023 17:50

It's completely normal to know only a few people on the hen night, so don't worry about that.
I wouldn't be handing over another penny until I got confirmation of full cost, including any additional extras, and a plan of what's happening.
From there I would decide if I was going or not, if its not organised properly , are you in a position where you could offer to help with organising?
I wouldn't feel bad at all for backing out, though personally I'd have said at the time £265 is far too expensive for what it is.

AllTheAll · 18/05/2023 17:59

Wedding shower is typically all women but now couples showers are a thing. Used to be aunts, sisters, older relatives, friends, etc., in a quite female setting and lingerie was an appropriate gift. It was a way to include others/olders not suited for the hen-do (which was the bachelorette party)- a more exclusive group.

Wedding showers have morphed to being larger, more inclusive, and now people buy off the registry for those too. Typically a friend throws the shower (never family members as that is seen as grabby) and you bring a gift in exchange for lovely food and drinks.

BaiesRosesAmbre · 18/05/2023 18:05

greennotepad · 18/05/2023 16:25

You will get a lot of support on here though, as this is MN where asking anyone to spend more than 10p on a hen do is the height of unpleasantness.

😂😂😂

BaiesRosesAmbre · 18/05/2023 18:08

also, I haven’t read the entire post OP, but if you like her then go. If you can’t afford it, then drop out!

despite what lots of MN think, hen parties are really fun. Good chance to let your hair down a bit and meet new people in aid of someone who is important in your life!

silverfullmoon · 18/05/2023 18:13

you will get a lot of support on here though, as this is MN where asking anyone to spend more than 10p on a hen do is the height of unpleasantness

Its not 10p though is it? its £265 plus £20 parking, plus potentially extra costs if people pull out and there may be extra expenses on top of that OP said they havent mentioned. Plus the "wedding shower" where theyve asked for gifts. Thats easily getting on for £350 plus and thats not even including costs to attend the wedding. Living costs are at an all time high right now- its ludicrous to be expecting people to be spending that much or to be jumping for joy at spending that much for someone else's wedding.