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Original poster

Should I drop out of this badly organised and overly expensive hen party?

77 replies

WorkingNonStopParent · 18/05/2023 16:21

I (30f) have been invited on a Hen Party for a family friend. I have known her 6 years now and she came to my own hen party last year. We speak occasionally and I am godmother to her 2yo son. Her hubby to be is like a brother from another mother; we grew up together pretty much as our parents are besties.

Anyway, I have been invited on this Hen Do which is happening in July this year. Firstly, I only know the bride, one of her bridesmaids (hubby to be sister), my own sister and the brides future MIL. I do not know any of the other girls, and unfortunately first impressions from this WhatsApp group is they are a whiney, unorganised bunch. Actually pinning down what we wanted to do ended up with 2 people being kicked off the group as they didn't agree with the plan (wanted to go abroad although the rest of us cant afford it and they thought we were being unreasonable!). We settled with a party through an agency in the UK for £265 per person. For me, this too much but didn't want to let the bride down (she is a really lovely person) so accepted I would have to use a credit card to afford this. We were asked to pay a £50 deposit directly to the agency back in January. Its probably worth noting that I do not drink at all and detest nightclubs so wasn't planning to go to the one supposedly included anyway. Since then we heard nothing.......

Finally, a couple of weeks ago the (I presume?) MOH got in contact asking who had paid the deposit as only 6 had been received out of a group of 13. Turns out only me, my sister, future MIL, Sister FOM and 2 others had paid. No one else had. This is sending me big red flags already! The MOH (again I actually don't know if she is or not) then contacted saying that parking at the hotel wasn't included so this would be an extra £20 per night. This is when we suddenly thought oh god how much extra will we need to pay for?? This isn't local so there will be fuel to get there and to get to all the 'activities', food and drink costs and (if they actually pull their fingers out) there may be clothes/costumes needed. The bill is creeping up and I generally don't think I can afford it! On top of that, the group is SOOO unorganised! I've been to a couple of hen parties which were so organised to the final detail and the cost paid included everything. They don't seem to realise there are additional costs and the fact that the majority didn't even pay the deposit makes me think some will drop out leaving the burden of the cost to those of us who end up going?? I still don't know where we are staying nor if we need to bring anything etc. No one in the bridal party seems to have stepped up to take control. Its been radio silence. I'm not even sure if I want to spend a weekend with these people.

The final balance is due to 2 weeks and, again no one has commented on this nor that fact that 2/3 of the group never even paid the deposit!, I just cant decide what to do. Would I BTA if I pulled out now and cut my losses? I don't want to disappoint my friend but can I really afford to put myself in debt for a hen party that I will mostly not enjoy?? We also received an invitation today to a 'Wedding Shower' (whatever that is??) and expected to bring a gift; more expense! The irony is that it looks like more effort was made on that one invite than on this entire Hen Do..... What do I do? My head says run but I think I'd feel guilty ditching the bride...

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 18/05/2023 18:18

If only a few people have paid the deposit, how come the whole thing is still available?

I agree with the posters saying you need to be blunt and/or take charge.

Say straight up either to the group as a whole or the MoH that you’re a bit concerned about the lack of communication. That you can’t afford to pay more than already agreed and you’d like to know what who is going, what the itinerary is and what other costs might be expected. And ask what happens to costs if it ends up being fewer people than originally planned. You don’t have to make it Blakey. You can empathize with being busy and having a lot on with the shower as well, etc. but try and push for more engagement.

I would be a little concerned that it’s only the people you know that have paid the deposit and wonder if the other friends are planning on doing something different, so maybe have a chat with them and see if they know the other women at all and can find out what the feeling in that group is. I wonder if it’s them that have pushed the shower idea to the forefront because they aren’t that keen on the hen and are planning on going to that and dropping out of the hen…

Dubaibutwhy · 18/05/2023 18:20

You need to ask 3 questions

  1. Is the hen still going ahead?
  2. Will we expected to cover for people who have pulled out?
  3. Are there any extra costs ?
Peach0123 · 18/05/2023 18:26

That's a real shame and difficult situation.
Really though I would message the group and explain that due to the mounting costs, now a wedding shower on the cards along with gifts and wedding day you cannot afford it. Plus the wedding shower is more suited to you anyway. If the bride knows you well enough, she won't expect you to attend a hen do you would hate.

Following that I wouldn't be surprised if others in the group agree, nearly £300 is a lot for a hen do. Sound like people have already mentioned this before aswell. Maybe MoH has an idea in her head of how she want this to go for the bride but is disorganised due to the fact she knows (maybe via convos outwith the group chat) that there will be push back.

Channellingsophistication · 18/05/2023 18:33

If me, I would politely decline on the basis of cost and take her out separately for lunch/drinks instead.

GalileoHumpkins · 18/05/2023 18:34

Her hubby to be is like a brother from another mother; we grew up together pretty much as our parents are besties

I had to stop reading here, sorry.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 18/05/2023 18:39

Lovemylaminator · 18/05/2023 16:40

You could be the proactive one I guess, and start getting people enthused in the WhatsApp group?

I find it weird that you are worried that people will drop out and cost you more money, then go on to say you are thinking of doing exactly the same thing.

£300 -500 all in seems to be the standard cost for a hen weekend these days, maybe £200 if it's just one night with a hotel stay , so nothing stands out about the cost.

I am so pleased that I’m relatively older (51) and that most people I know are married. When I was in my late 20s I recall a close friend getting married and some suggested an Ibiza break but we thought this would be too expensive and we settled on a spa break in London with her.

Another woman I know who was Australian and got married in Australia and then in London (white wedding then Hindu wedding) I can’t even recall her hen night but it was in London. Someone else I know I’m sure all we had was a night out somewhere and her wedding was a holiday b&b cottages with walking in St David’s. I suppose I could pay that money but I honestly don’t know how people afford all this.

Wedding shower is a way to get more gifts for the bride which she probably doesn’t want/need.

I’d do as others have said and try to do a WhatsApp to gather payments. This should be really down to chief bridesmaid though, not you.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 18/05/2023 18:41

Just message saying unfortunately you can no longer make it, you hope they have a nice time and will see them at the wedding.

Then leave the WhatsApp group immediately.

Hellenabe · 18/05/2023 18:53

Hi, i would take control and list the situation and see what plans are in place as an alternative. Id make it clear that i dont want to go above a certain point.

ChrisPPancake · 18/05/2023 19:20

Who were the deposits paid to? If direct to the party company and they've had less than half are you sure the event hasn't been cancelled anyway??

AutumnCrow · 18/05/2023 19:20

Hellenabe · 18/05/2023 18:53

Hi, i would take control and list the situation and see what plans are in place as an alternative. Id make it clear that i dont want to go above a certain point.

That's very #kind but she may as well throw a £grand at it.

ManchesterGirl2 · 18/05/2023 19:23

It sounds a weird kind of event, and I can see why you're not keen. But equally, a lot of the extra costs you point out in your post aren't news, it's stuff you could have known back at the start. Less trust in strangers and more research next time!

If you can't afford it you can't afford it, better to drop out now.

RampantIvy · 18/05/2023 19:38

greennotepad · 18/05/2023 16:25

You will get a lot of support on here though, as this is MN where asking anyone to spend more than 10p on a hen do is the height of unpleasantness.

IMO paying £265 for a hen do is way OTT.

@WorkingNonStopParent I would drop out now. Maybe suggest a meal out or something local to home as an alternative as it sounds like this hen do is too expensive for most people.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 18/05/2023 19:48

Cookerhood · 18/05/2023 16:32

Isn't a bridal shower the same as a hen do?

Noooooooooooooooo.

Hen do is a wild evening out where everyone carries a penis balloon, wears a sash, gets pissed and throws up. And maybe gets into a fight.

Bridal shower is sedate afternoon at brides mum's house, pretty frocks, tea and cakes and you bring 'lady gifts' for the bride, like a cake baking set, matching hand towels for the guest bathroom, that sort of thing.

Doncha know!? 😳

AlexandriasWindmill · 18/05/2023 19:50

Tbh if it's badly organised you could have stepped up and helped organise it or encouraged one of the people you know to step up (groom's SIL; future MIL). And you should have said it was too expensive at the beginning. Drop out if you want but don't blame it on other people. You're part of the group. You're just as much to blame for it being expensive and badly organised as anyone else is.

Speedweed · 18/05/2023 20:00

Don't go. Get that excuse ready now - something that means your financial situation has changed drastically (magnanimously say you don't need the deposit back, to smooth ruffled feathers). Tell the bride first privately to get her onside (Tell her you'll take her out for a celebratory lunch as others have said), then send the group the message.

If you go just to be kind, you won't come back with less than 500 quid spent on your card, having had a miserable time. And even then someone will have the cheek to send you another bill "as we thought it would be nice to buy the bride a celebratory souvenir photo album of the weekend, silver ankle bracelet and bottle of champagne, so that's £85 from each of us, if you could transfer that as well. See you at the wedding!"

Crikeyalmighty · 18/05/2023 20:14

I really don't understand why people organise these £350 kind of do's just for one night plus activities. It ends up excluding often very good friends who simply cannot afford it or people feel forced to go and spend money they haven't got.

You can have a great day in most of uk in your nearest city with drinks, open ended brunches, spa stuff, dancing, great meal (whatever mix you want) complete with mini bus and driver to and fro for everyone for less than half!

SlightlyJaded · 18/05/2023 20:20

Take the opportunity of the car park text to respond with clear questions.

"Thanks for the update re: parking. Can we please know if there are likely to be any more hidden costs as this is already very expensive and I won't be able to afford any more 'extras'?

Maybe along the lines of:

Additionally, I understand that only six of us have paid the deposit and I must admit to being a bit worried that people are going to drop out and a smaller number of us will end up with an even bigger bill?

Might it be worth re-grouping and looking at something a little less extravagant? I don't want to let Bride down at all, but i'm sure she would prefer ALL of us to be part her Hen than see people drop out because of creeping costs? I'm really happy to try and put some suggestions together, but don't want to tread on toes. What does everyone think?"

SlightlyJaded · 18/05/2023 20:21

Ooops my 'maybe along the lines of' should have been at the top of the paragraph

strawberryFforever · 19/05/2023 18:41

Hen dos are always like this

Why is an agency involved?
So complicated

strawberryFforever · 19/05/2023 18:45

Wedding shower?

What the actual fuck is that?

What are you supposed to buy? You can't
Do that plus a hen. One or the other

Bridefuckingzilla

DetectiveDouche · 19/05/2023 18:51

Good grief- abort abort 😐

Life is too short to throw money you can’t afford away on events you don’t want to go to. These hen event farces are the spawn of the devil and I have offended close friends before by declining them but if they proper friends they get over it and understand that not everyone can afford it. And if they don’t.. well, they aren’t the friends you thought they were. In the case of hen events it’s usually not even the actual friends controlling (or failing to control!) it all and some random bunch of people who you either don’t know or hardly know. Even more reason to abort.

floofsMum · 19/05/2023 20:08

I would say that somethings come up and you cannot attend the Hen do but are very much looking forward to the bridal shower. Sounds more fun anyway and has possibly been set up as a hen alternative.

azlazee1 · 19/05/2023 20:29

I would skip the hen party and go to the wedding shower. The gift you bring can cost what you can afford and there wouldn't be any other charges. ( at least no charges that I'm aware of)

TheShade · 19/05/2023 21:10

I think you’re assuming a lot here - that you’d be liable to cover the costs of no-shows, that the remainder of the party haven’t paid their deposits (they could have sorted directly with the MOH)

I would message the MOH(or whoever seems in charge) and ask her directly about your concerns.

CheersForThatEh · 19/05/2023 21:19

You need to message MOH and say you wont pay a penny more until all the deposits are paid and/or you have a final total.

I just dont understand how hen dis have become such "events". Go on holiday with friends, fine. Do something special with your besties, fine. But why the fuck people feel the need to organise (or, in their case, disorganise) an "event" with a load of random people from their lives is beyond me. Noone surely wants to spend a fortune to hang out and make small talk with virtual strangers doing forced fun. That's not a dig at the bride, she would probably be mortified. It just smacks of the MOH wanting to make this an "event" when a piss up in a brewery would be cheaper, less stress and more fun.