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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just not "parent" tonight?

71 replies

ungratefulbrattykids · 17/05/2023 18:22

single parent to two young teens - work full time. Both are in full on selfish ungrateful brat mode. Nothing is ever enough - they want more, better, different, quicker, whatever. They are mithering about dinner, if I mention homework or revision for their exams they'll bite my head off and their uniform is all over their respective floors. AIBU to just not tonight. Not pick it up so its nice and to hand for the morning, not run through all the options until they graciously pick (different) stuff for dinner, not go out and spend money I don't have on whatever bastard thing they insist they desperately want NOW, not remind them and help them with homework but leave them to it and let them bear any consequences. AIBU to let them pick at whatever they choose to make themelves and just basically leave them to it? Just once? My largely absent ex thinks I am terrible parent when I DO do all of it all of the time, so maybe I just won't? I'm even being hassled as I type this to get off MY computer so that they can use it for games and how long will I be and why I am using it and why am so selfish for using it just when they want to (they have their own but mine is quicker). And so on..... grrrrr.

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 17/05/2023 18:24

Well YABU to do all those things in the first place. Why are you picking their clothes up for them or letting them choose what's for dinner if they don't have an opinion. If you're working full time then that's even more reason for them to be pulling their weight. Stop babying them!!

Tannedandfake · 17/05/2023 18:26

I feel your pain tbh.
But if I don’t sort it, who does🤷‍♀️

TwilightSkies · 17/05/2023 18:26

YANBU! Tell them to sort their own shit out and stop letting them talk to you like dirt. They need to learn some respect.

Soproudoflionesses · 17/05/2023 18:29

Fuxk em - take the night off and tell them why

ScatsThat · 17/05/2023 18:29

Yes, tell them to sort themselves out tonight. I'm sure they could manage beans on toast at the very least! Go for a long bath with a glass of wine and have an early night.

Draw up a meal rota and put each of them down to cook one night a week. If they can't already cook, it is a good time to learn.

By teenage they should be able to look after themselves and contribute to the household a bit (vacuum, cook, put a load of washing on etc.) These are life skills and they need to learn them at some point, so start today!

supersonicspeed · 17/05/2023 18:32

I'd say don't take tonight off, take a week off!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/05/2023 18:33

YANBU. Just do what you feel like this evening and tell them you are sick of it all and they can sort themselves out, and you won't be dealing with whinging tomorrow either.

My mother rarely lost it with us but the few times we pushed her too far did us no harm, and reminded us she is an actual person with a limited stock of tolerance.

Original poster
ungratefulbrattykids · 17/05/2023 18:33

Thank you..to those saying I shouldn't be doing it anyway...it's something that creeps up because when I'm trying to get us all out of the door with ever we need on time every day it ends up just being easier to do it myself. They were v young when ex fucked off so I just got used to getting shit done fast and effectively. To be honest, it's not actually picking up or cooking that I mind at all, it's the lack of acknowledgement or appreciation and the crappy attitude if they are asked to do anything..usual immediate response is "why can't sibling do it" "I did three weeks ago" etc. It's just so draining.

OP posts:
ManchesterGirl2 · 17/05/2023 18:34

Don't blame them for being selfish and disorganised, their brains are still developing. But yes, set better boundaries. Most of those things will have natural consequences (clothes, homework) so let them face those consequences and start to learn for themselves.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/05/2023 18:34

Wtf? Teenagers? Why do ANY of that in the first place?

minipie · 17/05/2023 18:35

Honestly I think I’m quite a mollycoddling parent but I don’t do half this stuff for my 10 and 8 yr olds.

Dinner is whatever I serve, no list of options.

Uniform - I will remind them to chuck dirty stuff at the laundry basket but that’s it, if their clean stuff is left crumpled on the floor I am not bothered.

Homework - yes I will remind them but would hope not to have to at teen stage… maybe optimistic!

Asking for computer - no way! They have their own and this one is MINE end of. How do they even know yours is faster, why did you let them try it out ever??

I do realise this is easy to say and I may eat my words when mine get to teen stage.

Daisydu · 17/05/2023 18:35

ungratefulbrattykids · 17/05/2023 18:22

single parent to two young teens - work full time. Both are in full on selfish ungrateful brat mode. Nothing is ever enough - they want more, better, different, quicker, whatever. They are mithering about dinner, if I mention homework or revision for their exams they'll bite my head off and their uniform is all over their respective floors. AIBU to just not tonight. Not pick it up so its nice and to hand for the morning, not run through all the options until they graciously pick (different) stuff for dinner, not go out and spend money I don't have on whatever bastard thing they insist they desperately want NOW, not remind them and help them with homework but leave them to it and let them bear any consequences. AIBU to let them pick at whatever they choose to make themelves and just basically leave them to it? Just once? My largely absent ex thinks I am terrible parent when I DO do all of it all of the time, so maybe I just won't? I'm even being hassled as I type this to get off MY computer so that they can use it for games and how long will I be and why I am using it and why am so selfish for using it just when they want to (they have their own but mine is quicker). And so on..... grrrrr.

My 2 year old picks up her own clothes and puts them in the wash basket. No excuse for teens to not be doing that at all!!

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 17/05/2023 18:36

I’d make their tea, they eat it or don’t.

Their uniform is their responsibility, if it’s on the floor they wear it regardless, crumbled or not - I wouldn’t iron it again… show them where the iron is.

Homework/revision first then they can have free time in the net with their own devices - WIFI will be turned off other wise.

There latest wants, they do chores around the house to earn their wants.

You’re allowing them to walk all over you, they need firm and strict boundaries, they will throw a tantrum however they will soon learn!

Ringmaster27 · 17/05/2023 18:37

Take the night off?
I be taking all the time off until they get their shit together!
They are old enough to understand that you are not merely a servant and a walking cash point 😑😑
Make their own food or go hungry.
Sort their own uniform, or go to school looking a scruff.
Pick up their own shit or live in a pig sty.
I bet they’ll soon get the picture. I know I did when my mum pulled the same tactic on me and my sister!

Original poster
ungratefulbrattykids · 17/05/2023 18:37

They are 12 and 13, so only just in that bracket. Neither are "easy" kids and quite highly strung. A missing item or homework will provoke a huge emotional crisis in the morning which I just don't have time for so I tend to "overhelp" to avoid it..short termism I know but hard to resist in the moment.

OP posts:
Summerwhereareyou · 17/05/2023 18:38

Op I'm sorry your going through this parenting is such a thankless task.

Re uniform I see lots of posts around the stress of uniform ironing shirts, staining the cuffs back to white, making dc change the moment they walk in the door.

I don't bother or hound my dc about any of it. I don't iron shirts or worry about a single thing. If its on the floor it will be back tomorow off it.

Choose your battles. Drop that rope and yes my dc always look decently turned out.

Re single mum again this is soooo hard and relentless. But.. It's also their life and reality. They don't understand your burden.

Ignore all tonight and gently

. Re introduce someone nicely asked rules next week one a well

arethereanyleftatall · 17/05/2023 18:39

ungratefulbrattykids · 17/05/2023 18:33

Thank you..to those saying I shouldn't be doing it anyway...it's something that creeps up because when I'm trying to get us all out of the door with ever we need on time every day it ends up just being easier to do it myself. They were v young when ex fucked off so I just got used to getting shit done fast and effectively. To be honest, it's not actually picking up or cooking that I mind at all, it's the lack of acknowledgement or appreciation and the crappy attitude if they are asked to do anything..usual immediate response is "why can't sibling do it" "I did three weeks ago" etc. It's just so draining.

I would say the entire reason for the lack of appreciation is precisely because you've been doing far too much stuff for them for far too long.

My girls are 12 and 14. Today they got home from school at 4.30, I got home at 6. Isn't it fucking obvious who is cooking dinner?!? Yes, I came home to a cooked dinner at 6. I would expect nothing less.

Kendaland · 17/05/2023 18:42

In the nicest way, you are enabling this attitude and they won’t thank you for coddling them like this in later life.

My own DM was like you, I grew up lacking self confidence, self esteem and independence and turned up at uni without a clue how to do anything myself and felt about 5.

Summerwhereareyou · 17/05/2023 18:42

@Daisydu

I'm glad for you but I find these comments so unhelpful. Dc come at things at different times.

DelurkingAJ · 17/05/2023 18:42

I sympathise, OP. DS1 is 10 and I feel so much guilt when he ‘fails’ and I could have done it for him. But it honestly does (my highly strung ASD conformist) no harm and often brings out his better side. Eg I left his packed lunch on the side yesterday before I went to work. I told him it was there. The childminder came, I left. He never put it in his bag, his school has no kitchen so they (bless them) found him bread and butter. He was hungry but unscathed and no upset (to my relief). And maybe now will check.

Daisydu · 17/05/2023 18:44

Summerwhereareyou · 17/05/2023 18:42

@Daisydu

I'm glad for you but I find these comments so unhelpful. Dc come at things at different times.

Seriously. A teen not putting washing in a bloody basket?? I mean come on it’s ridiculous. I was going to say my 4 year old even does it then I thought well actually my 2 year old does also!!

arethereanyleftatall · 17/05/2023 18:45

Summerwhereareyou · 17/05/2023 18:42

@Daisydu

I'm glad for you but I find these comments so unhelpful. Dc come at things at different times.

Oh come off it?!? A teenager who can't put their clothes in a basket?!?

Summerwhereareyou · 17/05/2023 18:46

One dc is incredible academically but not so good at practical stuff.
Over the years she's made good improvements and every summer we add to her reppritire eg washing load in and out etc, dishwasher..

I never nag her to do her room because I've never had to nag her doing homework.
She's off her own back started to revise for exams weeks away. That's my priority.

Because my dc are different no 2 has different awareness and skills set. I don't nag her either but she's much better at rooms.

You can decide not to nag or make peoples life misery over this stuff.

As said with all the nylon uniform etc my dc always looking good and I don't stress about any of this stuff.

MMMarmite · 17/05/2023 18:46

Sounds like you need to learn to ride out the morning emotional crises, otherwise the family is held to ransom by them. What would happen if you just stuck to a sympathetic "oh dear. That's a shame." rather than rush round and fix the problem?

I'd do the transition gradually, otherwise it will be chaos. Pick a thing that they ought to already be capable of, let them know that you trust them to do that thing now, and then stop being involved, nagging, or bailing out. Allow it to go wrong if necessary, they'll learn from that.

Then gradually add more things.

Summerwhereareyou · 17/05/2023 18:47

@arethereanyleftatall

Come off it, tidy teens??