to just not "parent" tonight?

[ungratefulbrattykids]

single parent to two young teens - work full time. Both are in full on selfish ungrateful brat mode. Nothing is ever enough - they want more, better, different, quicker, whatever. They are mithering about dinner, if I mention homework or revision for their exams they'll bite my head off and their uniform is all over their respective floors. AIBU to just not tonight. Not pick it up so its nice and to hand for the morning, not run through all the options until they graciously pick (different) stuff for dinner, not go out and spend money I don't have on whatever bastard thing they insist they desperately want NOW, not remind them and help them with homework but leave them to it and let them bear any consequences. AIBU to let them pick at whatever they choose to make themelves and just basically leave them to it? Just once? My largely absent ex thinks I am terrible parent when I DO do all of it all of the time, so maybe I just won't? I'm even being hassled as I type this to get off MY computer so that they can use it for games and how long will I be and why I am using it and why am so selfish for using it just when they want to (they have their own but mine is quicker). And so on..... grrrrr.

You need to reframe this. You aren't "stopping parenting" you are simply "entering the phase of parenting which moves responsibilities onto your maturing children".

Just say to them "we leave for school at X time tomorrow whether you have what you need or not. I'm available for the next 30minutes to help sort uniforms or books etc but other than that, you need to make sure that by the time we leave in the morning you are sorted for the day ahead. We will be leaving regardless"

Stand firm.

Daisy I wouldn't get too confident. Mine were good at very young ages and keen to wipe...

And when I say help with uniform etc I mean literally standing or sitting in the living room available if they need help to put it in the laundry or find a specific book etc. Not you walking round doing it all.

I don't know if this will work for teens, but it has helped a lot with my 6yo. I create a to-do list and stick it to the wall and then he can't watch TV until everything is checked off. You could try that with the teens and just say "I'm not repeating myself, you know what you need to do, let me know when it's done". Maybe no phones/tablets/TV until everything is ticked off. It may or may not work, but at least they will know that you aren't going to be picking up their dirty clothes or hounding them for their homework and they then have responsibility for whether they do their required tasks or not.

I think you need to raise your expectations somewhat @Summerwhereareyou

YANBU.

You're actually doing them a disservice. They will grow up to be lazy, entitled adults. Like those husbands people complain about on here, who are incompetent at housework, or don't bother.

It will be good for them to learn that you won't always pick up after them, and that there are consequences if they don't get their acts together.

So yes, take the night off. Take more than the night off. Lay out your expectations from now on.

How do you expect them to cope as adults if you dont teach them how to cope now?

@arethereanyleftatall.. Not at all they are high just in otherwise areas.

They are wondeful girls who work extremely hard at school, are known for politeness and kindness. I'm not going to come down on them for leaving a jacket on the floor etc.

@Summerwhereareyou

It's disrespectful

I think you need to sit them down and tell them what you will and won't do anymore. List on the fridge and then don't 'rescue' them. Could be really generous eg I will do the washing but I will only wash things in the basket.
Could be I will cook but we will decide on a break plan for the next week every Thursday, you can both pick a favourite dinner.
Could be wash your own clothes, make your own lunches, if your stuff is on the floor it goes in the bin, I decide what's for dinner and you eat or you don't (but you have to actually follow through)

Those things aren't mutually exclusive

@Sapphire387 so untrue.

Dc come to things at different times. This is what raising children is.

Each child is different and will understand things at different times. What is this schedule some of you are insisting on, where has it come from.

We the parent should be gently helping them to do different things at different times when they a ready. Some people expect dc to simply know it all

Like moaning that 18 year olds can't value money when they have never seen the family budget or gone through any expenses over the years. 18 years old and bam
. They should just get it

@arethereanyleftatall

But leaving a polyester jacket on the floor has no impact on us 🤣, it doesn't crumple... It goes nothing.

People chose to get uptight about these things.
I have different priorities.

But... We are also a shoes on and house and my dc know lots about finance 😂

Totally reasonable to leave them to it tonight.

We have a weekly rota of who doing bins, hoovering, dishwasher, putting load washing on etc. So there's no moaning that they did it last time. We made rota together.

Food plan on wall - plan for a couple weeks usually - they are asked to choose couple meals each for the plan. If they don't like it tough.

Uniforms are sorted night before (with nagging), bags packed and lunches made

Thing is, I never really had to do chores at home. Mum always cooked, washed, cleaned. Occasionally asked us to hoover but that was it. I didn't grow up unable to do these things, when I was a student I worked it out, it's not hard, so I don't really buy the whole "they'll be useless adults" thing. I just feel disappointed that they seem to give very little thought to me and my time, energy, mood, needs etc. I thought and hoped I'd do a better a job of raising my kids to be kind, empathetic and caring but it seems not to be.

Errrr right. As you say, you wouldn't expect an 18 year old to just 'get it' if they've never experienced it.

This is why kids need to be given more responsibility earlier on than 18.

These are young teens. How long should their mother be giving over her computer to them, and letting them order their dinners like it's a restaurant? The answer is - she probably never should have. But certainly going forwards, allowing kids whatever they want leads to trouble.

Prostrating yourself before these entitled, barely functional teens is not parenting. They should be regularly cooking and cleaning up after their meal as well as laundry and maintaining their uniform if they care about wrinkles. When they tantrum to try to bully you in to doing stuff that should have done, video them. The only response needed for your ex is ‘k. You do it then.’-end of conversation.
Natural consequences: don’t bother doing homework? Accept the schools punishment. Throw uniform on the ground? If it’s in their room-fine, their choice to look a mess. Tantrumming and then late for school? They can explain why they’re late. 🤷‍♀️

@ungratefulbrattykids

There you go. And yet u you won't let them do nothing.
Do they have any assigned chores... Can you give them a list and ask them to choose two and do those weekly.

Do it without emotion when you have calmed down in a few days. Once you they are start to take on a job and someone else messes what they did they will gradually learn how hard you work. 😊

So you are seeing - it isn't really about leaving their mess on the floor as they'll learn that in the end anyway. It's about being kind to other people. Being kind to you.
It isn't kind to you to leave stuff on floor as it makes you unhappy.
It's about being respectful to the people you live with.

Give them a shock and just stop. If they are teenagers I assume they are old enough to cook their own food to an extent?

I'd tell them calmly, I've had enough of your attitudes, your lack of respect for me, you don't see all that I do for you so I'm officially on strike. And as hard as it is stick to this for as long as you can, the minute they realsie you aren't kidding and they have to feed themselves get their own clothes, the usual thing that they should be able to do by themselves anyway, then they will wake up a bit. It mate take a few days but sod it. Literally take care of your needs and let them go crazy for a few days and loose it, they'll soon wake up 😘

@arethereanyleftatall but if its their bedroom isn't that the it space?

Shouldn't they be allowed something space? That is their space their refuge and their learning space

@user1478639495

But they won't respect her they will just feel hard done by.

Every single young person feels hard done by, to be honest sometimes I don't think it would do them any harm, they don't know how good they have it in this case they need to learn to respect and sounds like short sharp lesson is the only way it may work. I don't know as I don't these ppl but from other experiences I've seen around me it seems to work rather well.

Leave their clothes on the floor. They can panic about it in the morning when you refuse to iron their shirts.
They won’t eat dinner ‘this isn’t a restaurant, there’s no menu options’.
They can wash up if they haven’t cooked. No devices after dinner and only revision and homework in the evenings until they change their attitude and pull their weight.